Live to Regret – Chapter 10
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A/N: First of all, I'm not sure where this smut came from – it's been a few months since I've written any and this is my first Lee/Kara smut. I hope you like it!
Secondly, thanks for all the great feedback and encouragement. I'm so glad everyone is digging this story. The ending has greatly evolved from what I had initially intended, so it's really gratifying to know it still works – especially for these two crazy pilots!
I have an epilogue I could post after this, but it might be superfluous now. That being said, I'll probably tweak it and post it in some form or another soon.
Enjoy – and please keep commenting! This is my longest BSG fic to date – over 100 pages! – and I need to know if you want to read anymore of my Kara/Lee stories. I've got some in the hopper!
TamSibling
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When Lee finally makes it to the room he takes a moment to breathe deep before entering. He hadn't passed Kara on the way, so he knows she's still in there. He's already said a handful of prayers that that's a good sign.
Stealing himself for whatever vitriol Kara might throw at him, Lee opens the door and carefully shuts it behind him, before daring to raise his eyes and find her.
He's seen Kara in various states of distress throughout their friendship: Zak's death, the end of the worlds, her knee injury, Caprica, the discovery of Ally. But at this moment, Lee's not sure what he's seeing. She's not sobbing as she had in Life Station that night, and she's not raving like she has so many times before. Instead, she's simply sitting, crying quietly and being still.
It's the absence of movement that bothers him the most.
Lee takes another step closer and then stops, wiping suddenly sweaty palms on his pant legs. He can do this – he loves her, end of story. The rest of it will work out. Its naïve, but he still believes it.
"I didn't mean to upset you." His voice sounds rough in the silence of the room and he clears his throat before he continues. "I'm sorry."
She sniffles, wiping the back of her hand across her face. "Did you just apologize to me, Apollo?" He can hear the tease in her voice, but it's not convincing. "That's a first."
"I can be taught." He teases back, risking another step closer. He aches to hold her, feels that he can fill the hollowness he sees in her eyes if she'll just let him in. Let him into her heart – why does it have to be so hard?
Sitting gingerly on the bed beside her, he doesn't miss how she shimmies away from him, making sure to keep at least six inches of space between them. Clasping his hands in his lap, he stares at nothing and wishes he knew what else to say.
"I am sorry."
He's not even sure she's heard him, but after an interminably long silence, the sound of her heavy sigh permeates the room. "I just don't understand why you can't drop this."
"Really, Kara?" Lee knows his voice has hardened just the tiniest bit, but he doesn't care. He doesn't understand her most of the time, so this is justifiable payback. "You really don't understand why I want to know about Caprica?"
"Is this about Sam?"
Of course, she'd throw her one-week frak in his face. Sighing, Lee scrubs his face hard with his hands and counts to ten so he doesn't say something else to send her running. "No, Kara, this is not about Sam."
"Good."
"But if it was," Lee continues, his tone full of warning. "There wouldn't be a damn thing you could do about it. It is okay for me to be jealous."
"You? Jealous? Over little old me?" Kara turns to face him, her eyes glistening with a bit of their old spark, but Lee finds it grating. She's teasing his emotions, trying to penalize him for loving her. He's done feeling bad about that.
"Kara, don't be coy. It doesn't become you."
"Frak you."
"That does seem to be the popular opinion." Lee sighs heavily again and then rises, pacing away from her. "Kara, we have to move past this. I don't want the Cylons to be the reason we can't be together."
There; he said it.
"They're not the reason, Lee." Her eyes are flashing again, this time with anger. Rising, she stands before him. "You're the reason. You can't just accept that bad things happen, bad things happen to me and there's not a damn thing you can do about it."
"I can't fix it, but maybe I can help you through it." Lee is pleading with her, his eyes searching hers for the missing link – the link between the logical side of Kara's brain and the emotional. "Admitting what happened won't make you weak, you know that."
"Me not telling you doesn't mean I don't trust you. You know that."
Lee wishes he believed her. Kara has entrusted her life to him numerous times, both in the cockpit and on the battlefield. But never once has Lee thought Kara's trusted him with her heart.
And to Lee that's the only way he'll ever know she's truly committed to what they have.
"No, Kara, I don't." He sighs once more and then turns, unable to stomach the look of anger and disappointment that flashes across her face before it's replaced with sadness. "I actually don't know that."
There is silence again, deafening quiet and Lee struggles not to break it first. It's time for her to come clean. It's time for Kara to admit some things.
"So typical." She's still angry, he can hear it in her voice, but he refuses to be baited and simply waits. He doesn't wait long.
"The minute someone doesn't rise up to your standards, you dismiss them." Kara sighs heavily and Lee hears what sounds like a stifled sob. As he turns back to regard her, he sees the way she's pressed her hand to her mouth and knows she's close to losing it. He forces his body to stay still. "It's never enough, Lee."
The pure sound of defeat in her tone causes him to move towards her, his feet crossing the small distance to her side in seconds. He reaches for her, more hurt than he can rightly convey when she pulls away, anger and betrayal welling in her eyes. "I'm never enough."
"That's not true, Kara." Lee reaches for her again and cups her cheeks in his hands, refusing to let her pull away this time. "You are more than enough for me. More than I ever thought I'd have."
"Then why can't you let this go?" Kara's begging him, and Lee swallows hard. She doesn't beg, not ever. "Please, Lee, for me. Let this go."
He sighs again, his forehead resting against hers. She doesn't back away this time and Lee takes another step closer so their bodies are touching from shoulder to knee.
"That's low, Kara." It's not an accusation, just a defeated admission of the truth.
She swallows hard. "Please, Lee. I can't go through it again. If I tell you what happened, it'll be real and I'll never be able to forget it."
He presses a kiss to her temple as he feels her body tremble. With a heavy heart he knows he's lost this battle. He wishes so much of their relationship couldn't be defined by wins and losses. But Kara is a born fighter and Lee is a conditioned one. They have been fighting their own personal wars for so long that it's a wonder either of them ever find a moment's peace. Especially with each other.
"I'm not trying to hurt you, Kara." His lips whisper against her forehead and he feels an indefinable swell of relief when her arms wrap around his torso. Burying her face into his neck, she exhales heavily and holds him tighter. "And don't ever think you're not good enough." He waits a beat and then swallows his pride, courage, ego and half a dozen other things he's fairly certain he'll never miss. Not if Kara feels the same. "I love you."
She inhales sharply, but instead of pulling away as Lee had feared, her grip on him tightens. "I love you," she breathes against his neck and his body tingles from the warmth. In the next moment he's shivering again as her hot mouth turns to suck at the skin of his neck, her tongue running lightly over a bit of stubble there.
Lee tightens his arms around her and moves one of his hands into her hair as the other travels down her back and cups her bottom. She moans low in her throat as the movement brings their hips into intimate contact and Lee begins to trail his own line of kisses down her cheek until his tongue flicks out to tempt the corner of her mouth.
Kara's eyes are still closed as she turns her face to meet his, lips parting slightly as his mouth descends over hers. She moans again and this time shifts her body until there is not an inch of space between them. She's worked her arms around his neck and her fingers trail through his hair as her tongue tentatively reaches out for his. Lee meets it eagerly, wishing he could consume all of Kara Thrace. There has to be a way to keep her here like this, warm and whole and loving.
Lee dismisses the thought as he pulls away for a moment to catch his breath. Meeting her eyes, he sees love there and warmth, but also determination and some of that Starbuck fierceness that first attracted him to her. He loves all of Kara, even the hard, daring, risk-taking pilot and the confrontational bitch. He'll take the whole package – there is no other way to be with her and Lee needs to be with her.
"Kara, I-"
He can't finish the statement because she's kissing him again and Lee's brain is no longer dictating his actions. His body has taken over, running on pure instinct and need. As Kara's hand descends along his back, he tenses slightly as she finds the waistband of his pants and slips her cool fingers along the heated skin of his backside. Squeezing tight, she uses the moment of his surprise to once again possess his mouth with her tongue.
Lee is lost.
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Kara had known it would feel like this – uncontrollable and controlled, wild and calm. The minute she and Lee shared their first kiss, she had known their coming together would be a ridiculous combination of passion and love.
But even knowing hadn't prepared Kara for all she's feeling.
It's a wonder her body hasn't exploded from his sheer presence. His warm, muscled arms are so tight about her waist that she feels as though she'll never fall. His hands are calloused, but sure as they trace along her ribcage before pushing up and under her shirt to cup her breasts. His fingers are gentle, but demanding as they find first one nipple and then the other and tease them both until her only response is to whimper for more.
Kara isn't sure who moves towards the bed first, but before long she is lying back and watching him undress. His blue, blue eyes, darkened now with desire and love, never leave her hazel ones as he slowly unbuttons his shirt and lets it drop to the floor. He reaches for his pants, and removes them just as slowly, causing Kara to squirm with anticipation. As his straining erection is revealed, still within the confines of his boxers, Kara can't stay still. He sucks in sharply as she cups him, grinning wide when he finally releases a low, feral groan that hits her right between her legs.
She's already throbbing with want when he leans over her. Hands resting on either side of her head, his eyes hold hers as he drops his hips against her, smiling softly as she rolls her hips to meet his and cries out with delight at the delicious pressure that continues to build. She wants this so badly, more than she can remember ever wanting anything.
Afraid he'll disappear, afraid something else will shatter this moment for them, ruin their night, Kara reaches for him, gripping his strong arms tightly as she raises her mouth to find his. While her kiss is desperate, his is reassuring and she relaxes into it as Lee continues to make promises with his mouth that she prays he will keep – through tonight and beyond.
Kara's body is primed and she arches again as one of his hands wanders down her chest, caressing her breast through the fabric of her shirt. With one hand, Lee works at the buttons and gets them free, his eyes sparking with something akin to hunger as he exposes her skin.
She continues to touch him, her hands running through his hair and down his back, fingers trailing over his collarbone and down to his abs as he lowers his head to her stomach and traces slow, lazy patterns with his tongue on her skin. Kara closes her eyes as the sensation sends another pulse to her core and tries to keep herself from falling over the edge too soon.
Pausing in his ministrations to push her pants down, Kara helps him get them off, returning the favor by relieving Lee of his underwear. He is bare to her now and Kara drinks her fill. She knows he's a God among men – call signs are given for a reason – but it's almost ridiculous how pretty he is. She reaches for him, encircling his erection slowly, pulling steadily until his eyes roll into the back of his head.
At moments like this, Kara very much enjoys being a girl.
Lee's hand closes over hers and with Herculean strength, he pulls her hand away, entwining their fingers as he presses his body back into hers and effectively pins her to the mattress. He nibbles at her throat, biting slightly at her neck, before laving his tongue over the area to remove the sting. Kara bites her lip, doing her best to stay still, but finding it impossible as his mouth trails up to her earlobe and his teeth again start to nibble.
She moves her hand down and around his back, pushing at his hips with all her might. He fights her for a moment, but soon the awkward position works against him and he falls, his hard cock rubbing expertly over her covered folds. Kara wants Lee to frak her right this frakkin' minute.
"Lee …" She's panting and she can barely recognize her own voice. Her lips press against his temple and down to his cheek, her tongue tracing as far as it can down his neck, catching beads of sweat as it goes. "Please," she breathes into his ear, twisting beneath him and rubbing against him.
He pulls back after a moment and rises himself on his elbows. Kara shivers slightly as his distance causing a draft of air to pass between them and it forces her eyes open. She bites her lip again at the look that greets her. His blue eyes are still full of desire and love, but the tenderness she sees is breathtaking. She's seen Lee look at Ally like this before, when his daughter is sleeping and he thinks no one is watching. In that moment, Kara feels like the most important woman in the universe and she wonders how she could have gotten so lucky for Lee to choose her.
As if reading her mind, his hands cup her cheeks again, fingers idly pushing a few damp strands of hair off her face. Lowering his mouth to hers, he hovers for a moment, their breath mingling as their heart beats synch to one another. "I love you," he breathes again before capturing her mouth in a kiss.
Kara simply kisses him back for all she's worth, arms wrapped around his shoulders, legs wrapping around his hips. She keeps kissing him.
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Lee has to come up for air and when he does, he's greeted with Kara's flushed face. She's beautiful, Gods, how could any man resist her? Wondering how he himself managed for so long, Lee shakes the regret and melancholy away. Tonight is about their future – together.
Wanting to be as close to her as possible, Lee reluctantly pulls back and smiles softly at Kara before trailing his warm hands down her skin. She mewls softly as his hands run over her breasts, each nipple getting a bit of extra attention, before his fingers finally hook into the waistband of her panties. He wastes no time taking them off, discarding them over his shoulder with a smirk and a wink and causing Kara to giggle. His heart melts all over again.
As his eyes regard her body, he allows them to take in every inch of her – perfect calves that meet one perfect and one scarred knee. Lee caresses the injured knee gently, taking time to press his lips to the bruises there. He then follows the line of her body up her thighs, to her hips that she's always secretly loathed while he's secretly coveted. Kara had mentioned once her hips were too big and 'no amount of frakkin' running' would ever shrink them. Lee was always silently relieved she had never found an exercise to diminish such a wonderful gift.
Her stomach is a wonderland, soft, but tight and Lee trails his fingers over it slowly. She shivers in anticipation and Lee meets her eyes with another smirk. He wonders how long she'll let him get away with this casual inspection before she demands more. Lee decides he's going to milk her current submission for all its worth.
And in the next second his heart stops, his hands freeze, his blood runs cold. Forcing his hand to stay steady, he trails his fingers to her left hip, tracing the outline of first one scar and then the next. He feels Kara still beneath him and he doesn't dare look into her eyes.
Reverently, he leans forward and touches his lips to the higher scar, the bullet wound. He knows all about this one – it's the one she reported, the one Helo will talk about. Not like its southern sister, the one Kara won't acknowledge, the one Helo claims never to have noticed.
It's uglier than the small, round scar, longer and redder and not as well healed. Whoever stitched the wound had no idea how to minimize scarring. His lips hover over it and he sees the goose bumps rise around it as his breath warms it. He presses his mouth to it gently, but stops immediately as he feels a slight tug in his hair.
Glancing up to Kara, he meets her tortured gaze and immediately moves forward, covering her body with his. I'll protect you. That's what he wants to tell her, but knows she would never stand for it. He can only show her, in word and action.
Once his face is inches from hers, he catches the small shake of her head as she trails her fingers down his cheeks. Gently, she lowers his mouth to hers and kisses him, sweet and sensual and Lee sighs into her mouth as their bodies finally join.
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It's impossible to know how long they have lain together, wrapped tightly in each other's arms, still basking in the closeness of one another. Lee's hand gently runs down her arm and Kara wriggles to get closer to him, making sure her ear is resting right over his heart.
Her fingers make lazy circles on his chest and she delights in the feel of his skin, how warm he is. The sweat has cooled on their bodies and she shivers despite the heat Lee is providing. With a soft kiss to her forehead, he shifts slightly and gropes for the blanket they have hastily discarded to the floor. In a moment, he's flinging it over both of them, wrapping Kara back into a cocoon of warmth she'll be loath to leave.
Her body is still tingling from his touch, and the gentle run of his fingers on her skin grounds her. As they'd both fallen over the edge together, he'd whispered 'I love you' into her ear once more. Kara had returned the words, meaning every single one in a way she never has before. Even with Zak – what she feels for Lee, what she sees reflected in his eyes is overwhelming.
But good.
Kara tunes into the sound of his heart, the steady thump-thump. She continues to listen, knowing he hasn't fallen asleep because his breathing is too quick. She hears that as well, the steady in and out, the even rise and fall of his chest that matches her own.
They are alive and whole and together and Kara thanks the Gods …
… before she begins to speak.
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Lee is so glad Kara's a cuddler. He'd really hoped she would be and the few times they've shared a bunk, she's been more than willing to lie on top of him. But he's never been certain it wasn't a direct result of a lack of space.
But here, on Cloud Nine, in this more than big-enough-bed, Kara has stayed safely tucked into his side since they'd made love. And he's already vowed to do everything in his power to keep her there.
He adjusts the blanket over them, pressing another kiss to Kara's temple as she sighs softly against his skin. She splays her hand over his chest and he feels each point of contact, each finger tip, each finger all along to her palm. The warmth of her hand on his skin radiates through him and he pulls the arm he has around her shoulders just a bit tighter.
He feels the need to say something, to solidify this new step in their relationship. He doesn't want Kara to disappear again, not from his bed, not from his life, not at all. But Lee doesn't have a clue what to say and so he decides, for the first time, to stay silent. He hopes the right words will come to him. He hopes Kara will listen when they do.
"The first time I woke up, Simon was there."
Lee thinks for a second he's imagined it. But the small vibration he feels through his chest as Kara takes a deep breath and then continues lets him know that she really is talking. Silently grateful he kept his mouth shut, he listens intently, not moving.
"He told me he was a doctor, that I was in an abandoned hospital. I believed him." She pauses and Lee keeps up the steady rhythm of his hand trailing up and down her arm, maintains his breathing and prays he won't inadvertently do something to make her stop.
"He said I'd been shot and that Sam and the others had brought me in. He said Sam was dead.
"He kept knocking me out. Every time I woke up, he'd be by my side in minutes, pushing more drugs into my I.V. I was tired – and sore. Frak, it hurt like a bitch."
Kara's voice has not risen from her initial hushed tone the entire time. Lee wills his heart to beat softer so he can hear clearly.
"One day, he went on and on about how valuable I was because I had a fully working reproductive system." She snorts with derision and Lee doesn't mistake the shudder that runs through her body. "I told him to frakkin' drop it. I'm a Viper pilot, Gods dammmit, not some incubator." She clears her throat. "But he knew – he knew about my mother. Tried to tell me that just because she was an abusive bitch, didn't necessarily mean I was."
She stops again and the silence is long. Lee almost presses her to continue half a dozen times, but she's come this far with no encouragement. Granted, she won't look at him or even acknowledge he's in the room, but he's not going to frak this up. This is what he'd wanted after all.
"I got angry. I yelled. The next time I woke up I was strapped to the bed."
She noticeably trembles once more and Lee takes a risk. With barely a turn of his head, he presses his lips to her forehead, holding them there for a long minute until he feels her body release some of its tension. Resting his cheek against her hair, he waits again and she keeps going.
"After that, I just wanted to get the frak out of there. I tried to stay awake, but he just kept drugging me. I woke up a while later and there was another scar." One of her hands trails down Lee's torso, tracing the area of his hip where her scar is. "I didn't want to know what they'd done. Said it was internal bleeding, but I knew that was a lie.
"I finally managed to get him close enough, finally managed to get some of the morpha out of my system. I stabbed him, in the neck." Her voice is devoid of any emotion and Lee closes his eyes against the pain he knows she's hiding. "A broken piece of glass right through the jugular. Those frakkers can certainly bleed."
Kara takes a deep breath, burrowing a bit closer into his side in the process. "I ran into one of the Six models when I was trying to get out and I ducked into this room."
She swallows hard several times. Lee can feel it against his chest. He can only imagine what she'll admit next.
"I didn't know what I was seeing at first. There was a lot of equipment and medical beds … and women. Human women.
"They were hooked up to these machines, tubes sticking out of them like some monster. Sue-Shawn, one of the resistance members, she was in there. I wanted to get her out, but she told me not to do it. She …" Her voice falters and Lee is stunned when she rolls her face into his neck, breathing heavily. He squeezes her closer and uses every bit of will power he can conjure to stay quiet.
"She wanted to die, Lee. She knew what they were doing. The Cylons were trying to impregnate her, all of them, with hybrids. They were raping them, using tubes and machines to fertilize them. Using their wombs like some demented oven."
Kara swallows again and lets out a shuddering sigh that rocks her body. Lee moves his other arm around her, pressing her close to his chest as she shakes violently. She isn't crying, but it's obvious the stress of reliving her experience has taken its toll. Lee curses his damn curiosity; she was right, he should have left well enough alone.
More quiet descends on the room as Kara holds onto him for dear life and he embraces her right back. He doesn't know if there's more, doesn't care actually. He just wants her to forget, wants Kara to be all right.
He's beginning to wonder if that's even possible.
Kissing her forehead again, he realizes she's not calming down. He has to do something.
"It's okay, Kara." His voice is barely more than a whisper, but the way she clings to him lets him know he's been heard. "It's okay, you're safe. You got out in time."
She shakes her head before she can speak and Lee's heart stops in his chest. He refuses to ask what she means, refuses to even entertain the notion, but then the image of her, bleeding from her lower body, on the floor of the shower springs to mind and he can't dismiss her next claim.
"No, I didn't." Kara breathes in and out, trying to regain control, but it's useless and she eventually gives up. Pulling back slightly to meet his eyes, she closes her own almost immediately knowing that she can't stand to see the disgust that will flash through his when she finally admits the truth. "When you found me that day in the showers, I was having a miscarriage."
Dropping her forehead to his shoulder she breathes out, her entire body going rigid as she says, "I miscarried a Cylon Hybrid, Lee."
The anger and sadness Lee feels in that moment are incomprehensible. He wants to rage against every Cylon, skin job and Centurion alike. Kill each one, with his bare hands if possible, but if not, from the cockpit of his Viper will do just nicely. He feels the need to sprint from the room to the hangar deck, jump into his ship and start avenging Kara right this frakkin' minute.
But the protectiveness and love he feels for Kara keeps him rooted to the spot. His anger, his need for vengeance pales in comparison to what he feels for her. She is crying now, quiet tears once more and Lee almost wishes she would sob. He could whisper stupid things to her then, words meant to be comforting, but more than likely condescending as he tries to assure her everything will be all right, when there's no way that can be true. Now, in this silence of the room tainted with the heaviness of her confession, there are no words that can fill the quiet.
Before he can gather his thoughts enough to do something, she's pulling away and it takes a second for his arms to reaffirm their hold. "Let go, Lee." Her voice is hard to hear, but he can tell by the way she pushes at his shoulders she's trying to be free.
He's not going to let her go. Not now; she'll take his release as proof that he doesn't love her now that she's admitted this dark secret.
He's not letting go.
"No." He holds fast, wrapping her up tightly in his arms, pulling her into his chest. "I love you."
"I could have given birth to a half-breed." Her voice is pained and cracking and Lee rubs his cheek against hers, trying to get as close as possible. "The only child I'll ever have died months ago and I never even knew her."
She's releasing so many emotions, so many old hurts that Lee's not surprised as she jumps between experiences. He simply continues to hold her, biting back the empty words of encouragement he feels welling in his throat. Kara has completed his life in a fundamental way. He will not offer her platitudes in return.
"I love you."
It is the only thing he can think to say and so he just keeps repeating it, even as Kara continues to list off reasons he shouldn't. "I'll never have your child, Lee. Never give you a son … Ally will never have a sibling … The Cylons just keep winning …"
"I love you."
"I'm not good enough for you, Lee. You should be with someone else. Be with someone who isn't a complete screw-up."
"Hey." He pulls back slightly to meet her gaze, and wipes gently at her wet cheeks. Her hazel eyes are swirling like a storm and Lee cups her face in his hands, refusing to blink for a second. "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. That's not changing. Not ever, Kara."
He kisses her, warm, soft, inviting and it takes a second, but she does return the gesture. Lee buries his hands in her hair as her mouth opens beneath his and he slides his tongue along hers. Kissing her is always a thrill and he feels a rush of desire course over his skin. It sparks again as she moves her hands around to press into his back, caressing his shoulders as he tangles his legs with hers and rolls her over onto her back.
"I love you," he repeats between kisses, moving from her mouth to her cheeks to her eyelids up to her forehead and then back down again. He's more than ready to make love to her again, but Lee won't take another step until he knows Kara's with him. Until he's sure she's convinced that he loves her – all of her. "I love you."
She sighs once as his lips circle her pulse point on her neck, sucking softly at the already marked skin. The sound is soft, not exasperated, not defeated and Lee reluctantly pulls back so he can meet her eyes once again. They are clearer than before, bright brown and shining. As he studies her, she studies him, running her fingers along his jaw and over his nose, tracing each feature.
As her hands move along his shoulders and then settle over his heart, she blinks once and then finally looks at him. Lee sees it in that moment, sees the realization dawn and he fights back the urge to whoop like a school boy.
"I know."
She says it so simply, so easily that Lee can't believe it was ever different between them. In this moment, he can only remember loving Kara and he knows he will only remember loving her for the rest of his life.
She is the only woman he'll ever need to love.
"I love you," she tells him and then kisses him again and Lee knows she really, truly does.
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