~*~*~*~*~*Jack's POV*~*~*~*~*~
"Rose!" I shouted, even though she had clearly already left the boat, and I couldn't see any sign of her below. "Rose! What are you doing?"
~*~*~*~*~*Rose's POV*~*~*~*~*~
I ran past everyone, pushing them all out of my way. Idk what all these bitches are doing here on the second deck, just chilling all calmly, but it was pissing me off.
"Take that!" I yelled, pushing someone who was doing meditative breathing exercises. "And that!" I said, running through a yoga class and knocking over some people in the downward dog position.
~*~*~*~*~*Jack's POV*~*~*~*~*~
"ROSE!" I leaned over the edge and peered at the nothingness below. I definitely didn't see her. "No!"
"Stop her!" Cal yelled.
I sighed, then turned to Cal. "I think she left. Gah. Idk where she'd have gone. Do I stay here? Do I try to guess and meet her? I just dk."
"What do you mean?" Cal sputtered. "It's a ship. There are only so many places she could be."
I didn't want to argue with him since he was still holding what appeared to be a noose. "I-ite. Um, I'mma go meet her, I think. Um, thanks for screwing me over earlier, I guess. No hard feelings, boss." I broke into a run when I saw Cal start trying to lasso me with the noose.
"Excuse me, pardon me," I said as I ran past everyone, sticking my hands in each of their pockets as I passed them by.
As I ran, I tried to figure out where our secret meetup place could be. Maybe the clock? Except the clock isn't there anymore because I stole it. Damn my sticky fingers.
~*~*~*~*~*Rose's POV*~*~*~*~*~
"And fuck you," I said, hitting someone in the chest with my arm as I ran. God damn it, where am I going?
~*~*~*~*~*Jack's POV*~*~*~*~*~
Shit, my pockets were really loaded up. My pants were almost falling down. I need to take inventory. My fingers were itching to touch all the potential money I might have scored.
You know what, Rose will understand if I'm a little late.
I stopped just inside the revolving doors and began emptying my pockets to see my loot.
~*~*~*~*~*Rose's POV*~*~*~*~*~
Oh gah. Nothing's looking familiar. I'm so bad at navigation. Maybe I should ask for directions.
"MR. ANDREWS!" I screamed, still running at full blast.
~*~*~*~*Jack's POV*~*~*~*~*~
Oh my gah! I got two dollars, some kind of stuffed animal, an ear of corn from Colonel Sanders, a yo-yo, a flask, three ciggies, and a comb! I added the two dollars to my fat wad of cash-now I have $42.21 oh my gah oh my gah-and sat back to look at all my goods. I'd spread them out on the floor so I could best evaluate them. What a day.
What was I doing here again?
Oh yeah, Rose!
I stood up and put everything in my pockets-except the corn. I would need a snack for the journey.
~*~*~*~*~*Rose's POV*~*~*~*~*~
"MR. ANDREWS!"
On my third run around the perimeter of whatever room I was in, I spotted a man leaning against a pole, wearing a sandwich board that said "GET TO A LIFEBOAT" on one side and "OR EVEN FLOATING DEBRIS, LIKE A DOOR. A DOOR CAN EASILY HOLD TWO PEOPLE" on the other.
"Mr. Andrews!" I shouted, running to him.
"You're still here?" he sighed. "Don't you remember what I told you during the tour, which was only twelve hurrs ago? Or what I told you an hurr ago? Or what my sandwich board is telling you right now? You have to get to a lifeboat right away!"
"Oh, I did!" I beamed, hoping he'd be proud. "I was in a lifeboat and everything! But then my knees were so dry, and I just… couldn't."
Mr. Andrews shook his head and sighed.
"So whatcha doin'?" I asked.
He looked down at the bright red thing he held in his hands. "I'm blowing up these water wings for EJ. He's still learning how to swim."
"That's nice of you."
Mr. Andrews blew into the water wing he was holding, inflating it a little more. He blew a few breaths into it, and then I guess he started to feel uncomfortable. "What is it?"
"How do I get to the clock? The giant one? I can't find it now that Jack's stolen it."
He put the cap in the water wing to seal the air in. "Behind you, Rose."
"Really? Like right behind?" I turned around, and there it was! The staircase, and at the top of it was the giant gaping hole where the clock used to be! Wires were still sticking out of it and everything. Oh, memories. "Thanks, Mr. Andrews!" I called over my shoulder, breaking into another run.
~*~*~*~*~*Jack's POV*~*~*~*~*~
I smacked my lips and threw the corn cob over my shoulder. Then I thought better of it and put the cob back in my pocket. I'd eaten all the corn off of it, but maybe I could gnaw on it later to make my mouth feel like I was eating something. I did that all the time back in Chippewa Falls.
That done, I rubbed my buttery hands together and set off on my search for Rose. I started down the staircase and oh my gah! She was about to run up the staircase! It was fate!
"Rose!" I shouted, pulling her into a hug.
"sodfijdoifj!" she said. She kind of whimpered it like a sad dog. I hoped Lightoller wouldn't hear it and come running.
"You're so stupid!" I said, kissing her. "You're such an idiot!" I said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "You're a fucking moron!" I said, caressing thine cheek. "You're so stupid, you went to a Clippers game to get a haircut! You're so stupid that you got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's! You're so stupid that you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company!"
Rose frowned. "Why are you being mean to me?"
"No, see, I'm kissing you as I say it, so it doesn't count."
"Oh…"
"Anyway, I have a few more. You're so stupid, you study for drug tests! You're so stupid, you went to the orthodontist to get a bluetooth! You're so stupid, your IQ test results come out negative!" I finished, tenderly kissing her on the forehead. "Why'd you do that, WHY?"
"Are we done abusing me?"
"Of course, you little idiot." I smiled and booped her on the nose. "So why'd you make that stupid jump, huh?"
"You jump, I jump, right?"
"Riiiiiight… I just thought it was more like, you jump onto the lifeboat, I jump onto a plank of wood or something and meet up with you later."
"Oh. I did not interpret it as such."
"Well… it's koo," I said. "I can share my plank of wood… like, if it were a door or some such, I guess I'd give it to you. I'm not sure whether two people can fit on a door at once. I feel like they can't. And no one's correcting me, so..."
"Sounds G to me! Gah, Jack, I couldn't go. I just couldn't. Put your hands on me, Jack."
I boinged to attention at once and put my hand on her boobs. I knew what this meant.
"No. On my knees."
"Oh. Like..." I tried to force Rose onto her knees. It sounded like she wanted to give me a blow job and I wasn't about to complain.
"No. Put your hands on my knees."
"Oh? I-ite." I bent down and put my buttery hands on her knees, and she almost came. The knees are a pleasure spot! Who knew!
~*~*~*~*~*Cal's POV*~*~*~*~*~
I leaned over the railing and watched for several minutes as Jack massaged his greasy hands onto the knees of my ex-fiancee.
This is absurd!
"Come," Spicey said.
"Bitch what? Only I say 'come'! Only I!"
Spicey tried for a different approach and pulled at my shoulder. But I wasn't having it. I clung to the railing and watched the pornographic knee-groping scene unfold before me.
Then Spicey grabbed me by the ankle, making me fall and bump my head on the railing. Oh no! My wig! Frantically I tried to readjust my wig to a natural position while Spicey dragged me away on the ground.
If only there were a way I could get at them from a distance. Aha! Spicey's shiny gun!
In one smooth move-a cobra-fast move, as JCam might call it-I pulled back Spicey's jacket and pulled his shiny gun from its holster. Everyone who passed by us suddenly stopped and shielded their eyes. Then, pretending I was in an action movie, I ran along the railing and swerved around a pole, gun a-blazing.
Jack looked up from his knee-massaging just then. "Come on!" he shouted, pulling Rose along. "Move, Rose!"
I fired a shot and it hit the wooden baby cherub thing at the foot of the center railing. Like, there's the banister going down the staircase, right? And then the pole thing at the end of the banister, and then the big round action on top of the pole thing? Apparently it's a baby cherub. Well, whatev. Fuck cherubs.
"Come on!" Jack shouted, leading Rose out of the room. I scurried down the stairs to follow them. But then, as luck would have it, after I landed on the last step and took a step forward to follow them, what should my foot land on but the goddamn cherub thing.
As a result, I slid all along the floor and landed hard on my back, wig all askew.
So. AGAIN. Fuck cherubs.
"You just made my list!" I told it, shooting at it a few times with the gun. Then Officer Lightoller came in.
"Are we having a shooting session?" he asked. "A gang bang, not to be confused with the group sex act? Who's the enemy? A golden retriever? Beagle? A Cocker Spaniel? Labradoodle? Some kind of mutt?"
I set my withering stare upon the indistinguishable wooden cherub pieces.
"I see," Lightoller said. He raised his gun and shot the cherub pieces to smithereens. I gave him a respectful nod, and then he walked out of the room. Then, just to really stick it to the cherub, I stomped all over the cherub dust. And then I peed on it. Because, like… I haven't peed all this time? No one has? Like, I know the ship is sinking, but… people still need to use the bathroom.
Anyway. My enemy vanquished and my bladder emptied, I returned to my hunt for Jack and Rose. It was on.
So then, gun and hand, I ran down another flight of stairs. I wondered what their position was, since I had stopped to pee and shoot things, so I took a peeksie over the railing. Oh! They weren't that far ahead! "I'M CATCHING UP!" I yelled, shooting my gun off three times into the water below. I could have aimed for them, I was a decent shot, but I was just being dramatic at this point.
So then I ran down another flight of stairs and took another peeksie. Rose was looking up at me and sticking her tongue out, while Jack was standing next to her wiggling his hands next to his ears and saying, "Na na na na na na! You can't catch me!" in an obnoxious child-like voice.
"Arrhmheeh!" I groaned in frustration, then kept running. There was a poor person in my way, who had stopped and stared just like One Republic, so I pistol whipped him out of my way.
"Ow!" he said.
"GET OUTTA MY WAY, YOU FILTH!" Then I pistol whipped him again, just to really send a message. Then, to make sure Jack and Rose knew I was still gaining on them, I shot off another round into the water below.
"If you're trying to kill them, why don't you just aim for them?" the poor person asked.
"BITCH?" I screamed, adjusting my wig before pistol whipping him a third time. "GET IT?"
"Got it." He nodded, cupping his cheek where the imprint of my pistol was.
~*~*~*~*Jack's POV~*~*~*~
Rose and I ran down the last flight of stairs, the dining room, and I knew we had no choice but to run into the water to get away from Cal. I eagerly jumped into the water (if I made a cannon ball, no one had to know) and yelled for Rose to jump in. I looked back, after surfacing, and she was standing on the staircase glaring at me.
"Come on! He's gaining on us!"
"The water? Really, Jack?" Rose sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Isn't there a more practical place we could go? Why don't we go back up one flight of stairs, where it's dry, and disappear into the night there? Did we really have to go all the way to the bottom?"
"THIS IS WHY YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN!" I yelled, treading water.
"Pardon me?" Rose gasped. "You're being very rude."
"Rose-"
"This is not a suitable conversation! You don't know me, I don't know you and we are not having this conversation at all!"
"GET IN THE FUCKING WATER!" I screamed, grabbing onto her arm and pulling her into the water with me. "WE HAVE TO KEEP MOVING!" So then I literally dragged her along behind me as she bitched about the water being so cold. "COME ON."
~*~*~*Cal's POV~*~*~*
"WAIT FOR ME!" I hollered, running down the last flight of stairs. They were both trying to awkwardly run through water; Rose was chastising Jack about something and Jack was calling her a rich bitch. So, I did the only reasonable thing someone in my situation could do. I fired off another bullet.
Then I slid around the last corner, almost losing my balance on some residual cherub dust that was left on my shoes, and shot my remaining bullets while making a really strange grunting sound. "Errgm Ahhfffd MERRDDDHHH!" I grunted, firing away. Suddenly there was no more bullets coming out and instead it was just clicking.
My eyes widened, bringing the pistol to my face to examine it, then tried to shoot it again. Still it only made the clicking sound. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THIS THING? I brought it back up to my face and glared at it hard, "MERRHRHMM," I grunted at it. "My fi-my fffi-MY FIANCEE!" I screamed, trying three more times to shoot but this stupid gun wasn't working!
Then I heard a bunch of creaking sounds, which sounded kinda like rrrrrrrrrraafff tick tick tick grrrrrrrr errrerrrrrmmm and my curisoity peaked. What what what? So I turned around and realized that we were in water! WHOA. In the midst of my shooting spree I had somehow ended up waist deep in water! "It's like… a thousand knives, stabbing me all over!" I exclaimed, then looked around and realized nobody heard me.
What to dew…
So I whipped out my megaphone and screamed into it, "IT'S LIKE A THOUSAND KNIVES STABBING ME ALL OVER!"
Jack's head poked around a column at the other end of the ship. "TOLD YA!" Then he threw something at me. I quickly ducked, because I have reflexes like a cat, and Jack giggled as he and Rose scurried away. I looked behind me at the object that was now floating in the water.
Was that… yes, it was a peeled orange.
That poverty-ridden bastard.
"I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR TIME TOGETHER!" I screamed into the megaphone. Suddenly, I felt my Galaxy S4 vibrate in my pocket. I removed the phone and unlocked it, opening the text message that just came in from Rose and grinning afterwards. I pinned my gun between my arm and my side, then quickly tapped out my replies.
Rose: NICE ONE!
Me: I know. That's why I said it.
Btw… my gun stopped working? Idk what's wrong with it… it won't shoot anymore.
Don't think that I've given up
Because I haven't
Bihtc
Bitch*
Rose: lol k
Ugh. She knows I hate when she responds like that.
I slipped my back into my pocket and was just about to begin reapplying my wig glue, when Lovejoy came around the corner. Then a thought suddenly boinged into my brain. The heart of the ocean. Oh my gah… did I… CAL, NO! I wanted to cry, but instead I began cackling.
"What could possibly be funny?" Lovejoy grumbled.
"I put the diamond… in the coat. The diamond. The heart of the ocean. I took it out of the safe, out of the box, and put it into my coat pocket." I cackled manically, looking at Lovejoy and watching him attempt to do the sum in his head. I rolled my eyes when he just stood there silently, summing.
"I PUT THE COAT ON HER!" I screamed, throwing my head back and cackling some more, waving my broken gun around. "I saw Rose and she was wearing a blanket, so I took the blanket off of her and gave her my coat because I'm a gentleman and she looked poor! And now look where that's left me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE DIAMOND. COAT. HER."
~*~*~*~*Jack's POV~*~*~*~*
So then Rose and I ran past a bunch of dishes. We were clearly in the crew only part of the ship, but because Mr. Andrews didn't make those signs bigger, we didn't realize it until we were passing all the cutlery and whatnot. No turning back now.
~*~*~*~Mr. Andrews' POV~*~*~*~
I was standing on a cardboard box giving a sermon about lifeboat safety, my sandwich board still hanging around my neck, when suddenly I felt like someone was (once again) questioning me.
"I… It wasn't my fault…" I whispered. I wanted those signs to be huge.
~*~*~*~*Jack's POV~*~*~*~
"Ugh," Rose sighed behind me. "Some of this china has never even been used before! That is a big deal to me. What a waste. I'll remember this for 84 years."
"SHH!" I hushed, dragging her down a flight of stairs. Once we got to the bottom of the stairs, I hushed her again and pointed at the stairs, then I held my hand up in a fist, tapped on the end, and made a whistling sound with my mouth.
If she was from the streets, she would know that meant Let's wait and see if he's still following us. But she wasn't from the streets, so instead she asked very loudly, "WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU." While pointing at her ears and laughing.
I blinked at her. "You're literally the worst survivor in the history of surviving. You wouldn't last a day in Nazi Germany."
"I don't understand," Rose said. "Nazi Germany doesn't happen for another 30 years or so."
"Oh," I giggled. "My damn time traveling."
Meanwhile, while we were waiting to see if Cal was still following us, we suddenly heard this really annoying screaming! It sounded like a child. Could that be… that couldn't be Cora, could it? BUT SHE'S MY BEST GIRL. I hopped down the rest of the stairs and poked my head around the corner. "Oh, thank god, it's just some random kid." I breathed a sigh of relief, glad that Cora was potentially still safe.
I looked back at Rose, who was giving me a dirty look.
"...What?" I asked, scared to know the answer.
"I'm your best girl."
"Right," I lied, "of course you are."
Meanwhile, the kid was still screaming at the top of his lungs. We'll call him Seb. "MOMMMMMA! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA! MOMMA!" Man, he was really annoying. Couldn't he function on his own?
I looked back at him and gestured with my hands. "Shoo! Shoo!" I looked back at Rose. "I can't even hear myself think."
"We can't just leave him," she said, in a bitchy tone.
"Oh, so you're fine with me hanging out with that Momma's boy over there, but you're not fine with me talking to Cora?"
"You mean Cunty?"
"Cora."
"Cunty."
"Her name is Cora."
"She's a cunt and I will refer to her as such," Rose huffed.
"MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!" Seb kept screaming.
"Ugh," I groaned. "Alright. Let's go get this whiney little guy." So then Rose and I leaped into action and I scooped the filthy kid up in my arms. "Hey buddy," I said, "where's that Momma of yours you're crying for?"
"She-" he sobbed. "She was in the kitchen last time I saw her!"
"Ha, where a woman belongs!" I laughed, bringing the kid's hand up to high five me.
Then I heard the faint sound of a megaphone and Cal's voice call out, "WINNING!"
I chuckled, oh Cal.
Anyway, then Rose and I went to scurry off towards the kitchen to find Mrs. Lefebvre, but we realized that water was about to break through the doors! Oh no! So then we spun around in a circle twice before deciding to go the other way. But then we noticed water was breaking through on that side, too! Oh shit!
Then, after we had spun two more times and decided to head towards option #3, this crazy man came out of nowhere and started yelling at me in, according to the script, Czech. Well... this should be interesting. "Prague! Ivana Trump! Kolaches!" he yelled at me, in Czech, as he grabbed Seb from my arms.
"Ummmm do you know this guy?" I asked Seb.
He shrugged.
Then, the angry Czech man pushed me and then grabbed a suitcase that was laying on the ground.
"Hey!" I yelled. "I was planning on taking that, you bastard!"
He yelled something back at me in Czech, but considering I was not fluent and knew nothing, and I mean nothing, about the Republic of Czech, I couldn't tell you what he said. But I'm sure it was mean.
My jaw dropped at his meanness. Then he went to open one of the doors that had water bursting out around all the edges! "Hey, you idiot! Don't do that! That's the wrong way, come back!" Rose and I both yelled in unison as we chased after him.
"MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!" Seb screamed.
"YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG FUCKING WAY, YOU DUMB CZECH BITCH!"
Then, just as he was realizing the error of his ways, suddenly the door broke! OH MY GOD. "RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" I yelled at Rose (Czech and Seb weren't my problem). Rose and I ran as fast as we could down the Option #3 hallway as the water rushed all around us and tried to knock us over.
"ARRGFVGFHHHH" I screamed, making the ugliest face possible.
Rose was panting next to me, making an even uglier face than I was.
We would both laugh about these faces later on.
But now now. Not this night. Not like this.
We thought we were being sly, but the water caught up with us and rushed under our feet, making us slide down the corridor.
Whee! It was like a water slide!
Except instead of sliding gracefully into a pool of water, we crashed up against a gate, which kind of killed the mood.
"Unhh!" Rose grunted when she crashed into the gate.
"GRAWWWWRR," I roared, like a dinosaur. Then I grunted some more and got behind Rose, wondering if it might be a good time to line us up and insert. But the water was getting in the way, so I got over it and continued on my merry way, grabbing onto the wall to keep from falling over.
"This way!" I said. I made sure to make a lot of weird grunty noises as I dragged myself through the water. "Uggghghgghgh! Come on! Give me your hand!" I pulled Rose over to the staircase I'd dragged myself to, and then, with one big burst of energy from my calcium-deprived bones, I put my hands on her bum and pushed her out of the water and towards the stairs with all of my might. "GGUHGGUHGUGUGGHGHHHH!" I grunted.
"Bitch? You don't have to act like I'm so heavy. I'm just big-boned from all the calcium I get."
"Must be a lot of calcium," I said testily, rubbing my sore arms.
"And the water adds ten pounds."
"Must be a lot of water."
"You fucking think?" she snapped, gesturing at the water that was threatening to drown us. Ohhhhhh, riiiiiiiiiiiiight. I had to focus.
So then we climbed the stairs to another gate. We pushed and pulled and grunted and groaned, but the gate didn't budge. Damn it! Why did I waste my one burst of energy on pushing her up?
"Oh, God!" Rose said.
"HELP!"
We both kept struggling to open the gate. Every few seconds we'd stop to make sure the water was still pooling at our ankles (it was) before resuming our struggle activity.
Then we heard footsteps! We were saved!
"HELP!" we shouted again. A steward emerged, scurrying through the halls and about to go up the set of stairs on the other side of the gate.
"Wait, sir!" I shouted. "Sir, open the gate, please!" See how polite I was being, using "sir" and everything?
"Help! Please!" Rose chimed in.
"But my show starts in one minute," the steward said. "My name is Eric, by the way, if referring to me by name makes things easier for you. But listen, Friends is about to come on any second, and the last episode was Ross and Emily's wedding, and then we find out that Chandler and Monica slept together AND that Rachel still loves Ross AND that Ross said Rachel's name at the altar. Whaaaaaaaat? So… I'm so sorry, but… this is a can't miss."
"Please, sir! Please help us!" we said in unison.
Eric turned to go back up the stairs, but then he paused. "Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ite," he said, running back the stairs toward us. He pulled out a ring of keys and started putting it into the lock.
"Hurry up, bitch," Rose said, furiously tugging on the gate.
"Could you stop shaking the gate like that, please? It makes it kind of difficult to put the key in."
"COME ON!" I shouted, thumping at the gate with my fists.
"COME ON!" Rose yelled, kicking the gate.
"I-please stop. You're making it really hard for me to-"
"GO! GO!"
"Please!"
"Come on!"
"Hurry!"
"I really don't respond well to being yelled at," Eric said, struggling to fit the key in with a shaking hand.
By this point we had constructed a battering ram and were preparing to slam it into the gate.
"Look," Eric said, "you can't have it both ways. Either let me unlock the gate or try to bust through it yourself by sheer force, but you can't do both at once."
"SHUT UP AND DO IT!" I screamed. We ran the ram against the gate, but still it didn't budge. Good thing our trusty pal Eric was trying to unlock it at the same time!
Suddenly a light near Eric flickered off and released a shower of sparks.
"Oh gah!" Eric said, ducking to avoid the sparks. Then-completely through his own fault and not because we were rattling the gates with a battering ram-Eric dropped the keys.
"Oh gah…my b… oh noooooooo… Ohhhhhhhhhhhh… Well, I guess I'll go watch Friends now."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" we shouted.
"No," Eric murr'd. "I'm a good person. You can see it in my eyes. And I was trying to help you, but you dicks just yelled at me the entire time and made it impossible for me to help. So fuck you. Now I've missed the Friends intro, so now I don't know what happened right after Ross said Rachel's name and I don't know what kinds of new scenes they put in the credits. I'm just gonna have to tune in five minutes late and try and piece everything together. So thanks a lot for ruining my evening." With that, Eric ran up the stairs, leaving us behind.
"Please!" Rose continued shouting, even though he was clearly gone. She continued pushing and pulling the gate, but I had an idea!
I sucked in a breath of air and dove underwater. I snaked my skinny impoverished hand under the gate and felt around for the keys. At first all I could feel was Rose's heels stomping around, but finally my greedy hands closed around the ring of keys.
Then I burst above the surface like a dolphin (GOD I LOVE DOLPHINS). By now the water had risen to our chests. It was like a thousand knives-well, you get the gist.
"I got it! Which one is it, Rose?"
"Um… how would I know which key it is? Do I look like a minion to you?"
I shrugged. "Idk. I don't know anything about keys because I'm fucking homeless. I don't have or use keys. I live under a bridge like a troll."
"Wyelllllllllllllllllllllll," Rose sighed, glancing at the keys. "The sharp one! Try the sharp one!"
"Bitch? What does that even mean?"
"The key that's sharp, obviously!"
"But what's…" I sighed. She was still looking at me like an idiot for not knowing what sharp keys are, so I held out my arm and dragged each key down my wrist. Most of them didn't do anything, but one of them drew blood. That must be the sharp one! I felt around for the lock with my hand.
"Hurry, Jack!"
I had found the lock and was trying to put the key in, but Rose kept shaking the gate. What an annoying thing to do! Can't she see that I'm trying to insert a key?
"HURRY, JACK! HURRY UP! WE'RE ABOUT TO DROWN!"
This is really distracting! I don't appreciate being yelled at while I do this difficult task.
"HURRY, JACK!" she said, the water nearly up to her mouth.
"IT'S FUCKING STUCK CALM YOUR SHIT." I tried moving my wrist around at various angles to get the key to go in, but it wouldn't budge.
"JACK! HURRY! ADFOJSDFOSDJFIOFI!" she yelled, standing on her toes to avoid water rushing into her mouth.
Then the key turned into the lock!
"HURRY, JACK!"
"Oh my god, I got it. Jesus." I opened the gate and Rose all fuglily and dramatically bobbed through the gate, holding onto the ceiling pipes for support as she made her way through. Then she paused, waiting for me to catch up.
"JACK! JACK! COME ON!"
Maybe if my bones weren't so tired…
But I swam over to her like a good lad and we ran up the stairs.
~*~*~*~*~*Murdoch's POV*~*~*~*~*~
I hate my life.
So after I'd unloaded all the normal lifeboats on my side, it was time to slum to the collapsible. Which is on the goddamn roof of the officers' quarters. With no way to get it down. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Is it shit on Murdoch day?
~*~*~*~*~*Mr. Andrews' POV*~*~*~*~
While putting some glow-in-the-dark stickers on EJ's water wings (the benefits were twofold: one, he could more easily be seen in the dark, and two, I know he likes them), I felt a shudder. Was someone questioning me?
It better not be about collapsible lifeboats A and B.
I had proposed to store them on the boat deck with the other lifeboats so that they would be easy access. But it would thought, by some, that it would make the deck look too cluttered. When it seemed the only place for them was the roof of the officers' quarters, I had proposed for them to have davits so that the officers could lower them. But it was thought, by some, that davits would make the lifeboats look ugly.
I sighed and placed another sticker on EJ's water wing. The collapsibles would just have to make another page in my book, I Told You So: Volume 53.
~*~*~*~*~*Murdoch's POV*~*~*~*~*~
So I had my crew line up some oars underneath the lifeboat so that maybe we could slide the collapsible lifeboat down from the roof. Which I already know is a recipe for disaster, but… I didn't have a choice.
"Hold it!" I directed. "Hold it!" Everyone struggled to hold their grip on the lifeboat as they tried to guide it down the oar slide.
Except… lifeboats are incredibly heavy. So it just kind of broke some oars and fell and part of the side splintered a little. Great. Something else for me to fix.
You know what, I'm calling a time out. I'm taking my fifteen.
I walked over to the ladder leading down to my quarters, where I'd left a turkey sandwich for myself. I was going to sit on my bed, have my turkey sandwich, maybe catch a few minutes of tonight's Friends episode. I was dying to know what the ramifications of Monica and Chandler's one-night stand would be.
But… oh. Water was gushing all over the base of the ladder. My quarters had flooded.
My sandwich :(
I took a moment to process, and then I steeled myself and declared my fifteen minutes over. Back to work. God knows these idiots can't survive without me.
"Get these davits cranked in!" I ordered. "And get the falls hooked up!" I pointed to the falls and then the place where the falls needed to be hooked up, just so everyone understood what I was asking.
But I knew that no matter how much I explain it, they'd do a terrible job, so I know I'm going to have to redo everyone's work either way. Incompetent bastards.
~*~*~*~*Cal's POV~*~*~*~
So then I parted ways with Lovejoy.
I sent him off on a journey to retrieve the diamond. I lied to him and told him that he could have it if he were able to catch up with Jack && Rose. But, this scene was deemed unimportant and therefore we are not going to talk about it.
So then I ran back up all the stairs (I was quite fit) and decided it was me time.
Caledon time.
It was 2am Cal time.
Cal ti.
And because it was Cal ti, I knew I had to save myself. If Rose wanted to drown with that poverty-ridden filth, then… that was her prerogative. Good luck ever having a nice meal ever again. Or socks. Or being warm at night. I've heard cardboard boxes don't do shit to block out the cold.
So once I finally made it back up top, I burst through one of the side doors and stumbled out onto the deck. Unfortunately at this time, the border control had lost the game and all of Jack's people were everywhere! As I stumbled out of the door, one of those smelly people ran right into me! So then I spun in a circle, trying not to pass out of from the smell, and decided to head down to the back end of the ship.
But there was a herd of poverty coming right at me!
Oh gah!
It reminded me of that scene from the Lion King. But I was better than Mufasa and therefore I would survive this herd.
So I spun around again (and then once more because it's fun) before running in the direction of one of the last available lifeboats. If this was the direction the rats were going, it was good enough for me!
This time I was referring to the poverty as rats.
Anyway, with my wig flapping in the wind, I sprinted towards the lifeboats but… I stopped shortly when I realized how many poor people were trying to get on this lifeboat. Maybe I should go check the other side? I wasn't quite sure how long I'd be in this lifeboat, and my tolerance level for poverty would only allow me to spend about 45 minutes consecutively with any given filth.
What tew dew.
I wondered if maybe I was just being blocked by the poor, while they still boarded rich bitches like myself, so I jumped up onto this contraption to try to get a better peeksie. Ugg, how did these filthy people get to be so tall? They had to be calcium-deprived!
I heard an annoying noise and I tried to ignore it, but after about seven minutes of this screeching/sobbing sound I finally gave into my curiosity and looked down.
And what did my eyes land on?
A fugly poverty child.
"Oh god," I gagged, looking away and breathing through my mouth.
Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up, I told myself over and over again, focusing on my breathing. Okay… okay yes, I'm fine. Beginning to breathe through my nose again, I tried to tune out this filthy child's cries but gah. They were so loud. I switched back over to mouth breathing before looking back down at her. "Can you cut that out?"
"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," she wailed.
I gave her a look of disgust. "Stop that."
"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."
I rolled my eyes and removed one of the twenties from my pocket. I crushed it up into a ball before throwing it at her, knowing that that would shut her up.
It did.
~*~*~*~Rose's POV~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, Jack and I were running up stairs.
Again.
My thighs were going to be rock hard by the time we were done. This is the most I've worked out since… well, ever. Rich people are naturally skinny. Anyway, so we were running up these tiny stairwells and I'm pretty sure we were back in the crew section. If only the signs were more obvious…
~*~*~*~*Mr. Andrews' POV~*~*~*~
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," I sang, fitting the water wings onto EJ's arms. I smiled at him, gently grabbing his other arm to fit the next. "You make me happppppppy when skies are grey!"
He giggled.
"You'll never know dear, how much I looooooooooooooove you." I booped his nose. "So please don't take my sunshine away! There you go, buddy," I said, patting his shoulders once the water wings were secured. "Are they too tight?"
EJ smiled. "Nope!"
Suddenly I felt a chill go up my spine. Could that be… DAMMIT! I held up my pointer finger to EJ, signaling for him to give me a moment, before I crossed the room and opened up one of the windows.
I didn't need a megaphone, because I was a megaphone.
"I WANTED RETINA SCANS!" I screamed out the window, knowing that whoever was questioning me would hear. "IT WASN'T MY FUCKING FAULT!"
~*~*~*~*Rose's POV~*~*~*~
I paused halfway up one of the stairs cases, listening for a second before looking behind me at Jack. "Did you hear something?"
"KEEP GOING UP!" he yelled, pushing my butt to try and get me moving again.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said. "Where's the fire?"
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION WE'RE IN?!" Jack screamed.
"Don't patronize me, Jack."
~*~*~*~*Murdoch's POV~*~*~*~*
For fuck's sake.
I had briefed everyone on the boarding process; I told them all to have their tickets and passports out to streamline the process and that we would begin boarding shortly.
What about that wasn't clear?
But did they listen?
NO.
NOBODY EVER FUCKING LISTENS TO ME.
So instead of calmly lining up to prepare to board the lifeboat, everyone was crowding around me and screaming things at me! A few of them were trying to butt in front of other people and get into the boat now! THE BOAT WASN'T FUCKING READY YET. The minions hadn't put Sky Mall in everyone's seat back yet!
"STAY BACK!" I yelled. "STAY BACK! It's not time to board yet! We're working as fast as we can, but you have to stay back until I give you further instructions!" I yelled, but they weren't listening.
That's it.
I'm done.
This day was the worst.
I just can't take it anymore.
So I did the only thing I could do: I whipped out my pistol and started pointing it at people.
"THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES. I'M DONE. MURDOCH IS DONE. I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH YOU LOT ANYMORE!" I screamed, pointing my pistol at everybody all at once. I had gun skillz.
Suddenly, the one with big Irish hands stepped to the front of the line as if he were some sort of team leader. Didn't he know this was my ship now? I'm the only one keeping things in order! I'm the only one thinking rationally!
"WOULDJA GIVE US A CHANCE YOU LIVE, YOU LIMEY BASTARD?!" the Irish one yelled.
"I am giving you a chance to live, you fucking idiot!" I exclaimed, pointing my gun at him. "You are all fucking it up! I have a process! If you guys would just listen to me, we could all safely get off this damn ship!"
"Oh," Tommy said. "Okay. I'm sorry, I think I misunderstood. Don't worry! I'm a team player! I like to lead by example. I like to empower my people. You do your thing, boo, I'll just patiently wait here, okay?" he asked.
Finally. Someone with a brain.
"Thank you," I said sincerely.
Then Cal, of all people, popped through to the front of the crowd. Ugg, I definitely did not have the patience to deal with him right now. He blinked at me wildly, his wig half on and half off his head, before he swooped in and got all up in my space.
"I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL!" he screamed.
His breath stank.
"A deal?" I exclaimed, reaching into my pocket and grabbing the wad of twenties he had slipped in there earlier. "FUCK your deal. FUCK your money. I'd rather be his whore"-I gestured at Tommy-"than your wife!" Then I threw the money at Cal and it rained down around everyone. All the poor people started fighting over it, elbowing each other out of the way as they shoved twenties in all of their pockets.
"THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" one of them screamed from the bottom of the dog pile.
"I fuckin' hate dogs," Lightoller mumbled from his spot nearby.
Cal stood in the middle of the raining money and kept giving me this stupid look.
Calm as ever, because I was just so done, I said, "Your money can't save you any more than it can save me."
"I… I don't know what that means. My money can save us. Both of us."
"I'm done," I sighed. "Y'all are worthless and I'm sick of being responsible for your safety. NOW GET BACK!" I exclaimed, pushing him with the barrel of my gun until he was back in position. I took a few steps back, pointing my gun at different people and hating everything in the world. At least there was one reasonable person in that whole group: the Irish one who I had just had a sensible conversation with.
Then, because apparently people didn't understand how done I was, one of the poor people climbed this rope type deal and tried to jump over everyone and swing into a lifeboat! Who the fuck did he think he was? Rule number one was NO BUTTING. I went over that with everybody! WHY DOES NOBODY EVER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME?!
So… I shot him.
Because seriously, he deserved to fucking die.
And now that I have a death count, maybe these fucking fools will take me seriously.
But then something happened that I hadn't expected! The sensible guy, Tommy, he suddenly lunged at me! What the fuck? Why would he do that? Was he trying to take my gun? Did he lull me into a false sense of security by his kind words? Why was he trying to attack me?!
So… I shot that bitch too.
It wasn't until the gun had gone off that I realized… ohhhhhh… someone pushed him.
Well… that makes a bit more sense.
Le sigh. What have I done?
Gahhhhhhhhhhhh that man didn't deserve to die.
Damn my trigger-happy finger.
I watched as an Olive Garden waiter started panicking and exclaiming things loudly in Italian. "Oh my god! Chef Boyardee! Super Smash Brothers! Rainbow road!" He was crouching over Tommy and, according to the script, watching the life flow out all over the decks. That was a disgusting way to put it.
Idk if I could live with that knowledge.
I took a few steps back, watching as the waiter tried to do CPR. I'm… not sure he knows what he's doing. Did they teach waiters first aid at Olive Garden? I thought they were just all about the breadsticks. Hmm. Then the waiter looked up at me, frantic as ever, and yelled, "BASTARDO!"
I raised my eyebrow at him. "I'm sorry, I don't speak Italian…"
Well, I'm pretty sure the team leader was dead. That's a shame. Also, I killed that other man… but, well, he deserved it. I thought about my options.
1. I could apologize for killing the team leader and hope everyone finds me sincere and then we could get back to business.
2. I could shoot the Olive Garden waiter, since he was the only one who appeared to be upset by his team leader's death.
3. I could run away from my problems and go jump onto one of the boats on the other side.
4. I could kill myself.
I thought about it for a long while and realized that… no, I don't want to live in this world anymore.
Everyone is stupid.
Nobody listens.
I was most likely going to die anyway. At least I could be in control of it.
So, accepting my fate, I stepped backwards up to the edge of the ship. I looked around at this horrible world one last time, making awkward eye contact with Cal, who was still blinking rapidly at me. He was blinking so hard his eyelash wigs were askew. Then I made eye contact with one of the other officers; I don't remember his name, but he worked under me. So I saluted him, because it felt like the right thing to do.
It was also a pretty badass way to go out.
So then I raised my gun to my head and just before I pulled the trigger, one of the guys from the band that plays during dinner services suddenly popped through the crowd and got right in my face. "WEREN'T YOU FUCKING LISTENING?" he screamed at me. I was so shocked and appalled by this, I lowered my gun slightly.
"What? Who are you? Don't you see I'm busy?"
"Oh, sorry," he said, extending his hand towards me. "I'm Joel Madden. I do see that you're busy, but I had to stop you! DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE SONG WE JUST PLAYED?!" he screamed.
"Um… no. I was too busy killing people."
"THE SONG IS ABOUT HOLDING ON WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE LETTING GO. It's about suicide! Didn't you watch the music video?"
"What?" I asked. "Piss off! I don't have time for this!"
"BUT WE ALL BLEED THE SAME WAY AS YOU DOOOOOO!" he suddenly started singing, directly in my face. Directly. His spit was hitting my face. He was about an inch away from me, screaming into a microphone that he had pulled out of thin air. (He was a magician on the side.) "AND WE ALL HAVE THE SAME THINGS TO GO THROUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Then suddenly his band appeared in the background and the drums kicked in and the music was gasming. It was… pleasant, but not worth living for. It was pretty decent music to die to though, I must say. It was fitting.
So then I pushed him out of my face, took another step back til I was on the very edge of the decks, and then killed myself.
~*~*~*~*~*Cal's POV*~*~*~*~*~
Committing suicide in public. How uncouth. But you know what, he kind of deserved it for backing out of a business arrangement. He threw all my twenties to the winds! What if I wanted to tip a waiter or get a candy bar out of a vending machine? What would I use then? Twenties are the only small change I have!
I guess I'll have to move on to my fifties. But people seem to get pist about making change when I give them a 50 in exchange for a bottle of water or some such. You just can't win.
Especially not now, when I couldn't get onto any of these stupid boats. Women and children only… what crap. Damn my manliness.
Unless…
What if I became a woman.
I nodded in approval at my plan and ran off, looking for something to make me womanly. I found the blanket (ugg) I'd rescued Rose from and ripped it in two. I stuffed one half down my shirt for breastage, and then I wrapped the other half around my head like a shawl type deal. This could work.
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
In the midst of arranging my bosom, I heard that awful child wailing again. God damn it. I tried to ignore her and focus on becoming a woman, but it just… wasn't working. My jaw is too chiseled and masculine for this to be believeable. If I can't be a woman, then…
AHA!
I took the blanket out of my shirt and used it to pick up the child (the blanket may already have fleas and disease, but I didn't want to catch whatever this fugly piece of poverty was carrying as well).
"I have a child!" I shouted, holding her up by an ankle as I made my way toward the lifeboat. "I HAVE A CHILD!"
Officer Wilde was intrigued. That's right, bitch. Fall for it. I bet you would have fallen for me if I were a woman. "Clear a path, here!" he shouted.
"Please, I have a child! Please… I'm all she has in the world. That and AIDS, probably."
Officer Wilde squinted at me suspiciously. I saw him eye my fancy suit and then look over at the garbage she was wearing. I was going to have to sell this more. "These are Rags © by Versace. They're all the rage in designer children's wear. Don't you know anything? Are you doubting that I want the best for my precious little… snuggle...chair?" I tried to boop her on the nose, but it was hard to find where that was because she was still upside down at this point. I ended up poking her in the eye, which made her wail harder. Oops.
Wilde sighed. "Okay? Go on, I guess…?"
Ha ha! Victory! I slung the bitch over my shoulder and walked over to the lifeboat.
"Here, give her to me," an impoverished woman in the lifeboat offered. Oh gah. So there wasn't a first-class section after all…?
I happily handed the child over and sat down in the lifeboat. "Give it-I mean her-give her here." She handed me the child thing, who was still wailing on and on. Like… bitch, I saved your life? You're fucking welcome?
"There, there," I said, patting her tears dry with a 50-dollar bill. She kept wailing, so I opened a Sky Mall and idly flipped through it while she did her thing.