Disclaimer: I don't own it all though I really want to own Jacob Black or most any member of the wolf pack.
A/N: I'm really nervous about this chapter, the large section of this chapter in italics is a memory and it is lemony. I'm nervous because I've never written anything resembling citrus and as such I struggled with that portion of the chapter, a lot. I hope I did it justice.
Ch. 10
When It All Come Out
My hope that Juliana just had a disgruntled tummy yesterday was dashed not long after the clock struck twelve. I woke to the shrill cry of my baby girl. I jumped up and rushed to the play pen, glad for at least tonight, I had decided to sleep on the couch and that there was at least a floor between the babies and Charlie. I picked her up quickly and rushed to the kitchen, hoping she hadn't awakened her sister.
I bounced her up and down trying to shush her to calm her cries while I frantically began warming a bottle, about fifteen seconds in I gave up the wait for the bottle, sat at the kitchen table and began to breast feed her. She latched on immediately and drank hungrily finally quieted and unable to wake her sister. She was still sniffling and I wiped the tears that lay on her tiny delicate cheeks. When I thought that she had drunk her fill I pulled her off and threw the burp cloth that was still on the table over my shoulder and set her there to burp. Just like yesterday about the time she burped she spit up most of what she drank onto the burp cloth on my shoulder. I was again thankful I had the where with all to move my hair away from her. I threw the dirtied cloth on the last pile of clothes I had to wash and then went back to the kitchen.
I tried to push the hot licks of fear that bubbled up in me as I filled a cleaned bottle with tepid water and gave it to her. I placed my hand on her forehead to see if she was running a fever but she felt as she always did. I couldn't figure out why she was spitting up entire bottles of milk and then be fine after a bottle of water. I was fighting a panic I hadn't felt for a very long time, pushing the memories I didn't want to remember. I clutched my daughter closer, breathed in her scent and prayed that this didn't mean anything.
Not long after she finished the bottle she fell asleep. I knew I should put her back in the play pen to sleep but I worried that the moment she was down the fear I was fighting with her in my arms was going to be exasperated with her out of them. So I selfishly kept her clutched tightly to my chest and moved to recline in Charlie's chair. I pulled the throw that was resting on the back of the chair down and over me and my daughter and after much rocking back and forth finally fell back asleep.
My sleep hadn't lasted long and before I knew it, Charlotte was whining in the play pen while Juliana awoke and began whining in my arms. I marched to the kitchen to refill the bottle of water and noticed I had been asleep for two hours. I went to the fridge and pulled the bottle out that I had attempted to warm earlier and warmed it for Charlotte. Once warm I put Juliana in a carrier and then moved to do the same for Charlotte. I sat in between both carriers and gave each girl a bottle. When they were finished I pulled Charlotte out to burp first and then for a diaper change. I placed her back in the play pen where she quickly fell back asleep. I pulled another burp cloth out of the diaper bag and began to burp Juliana.
I heard it before I sensed it any other way. Her belly began to rumble and gurgle and before long it leaked up the back of her diaper like it had yesterday. I quickly stripped her in my arms and pulled the pajamas off before they were dirtied more and waited for her to finish. It seemed like déjà vu as I cleaned her up and gave her another bath, redressed her and placed her back in the carrier till I could clean up the mess. Once everything was cleaned I picked her up, settled back into the recliner, covered up and attempted to fall back asleep with my baby in my arms.
The rest of the night was a more normal night with the girls, they woke twice more and thankfully Juliana had kept down both bottles and her diapers had been normal. The panic was put back to the depths of my mind and slept fitfully on the couch, unable to get the kind of sleep I had had the previous two nights.
Charlie showering pulled me out of sleep and I got up so that I could pump. I had exhausted the bottles I had filled and if I was bringing the girls to Billy's then they were going to need them. Ah the thought of that little red house brought up emotions I wasn't sentient enough at the moment to quell. I needed four more hours of sleep or two cups of dark coffee. Seeing as I could get neither I let them roll through me. I missed that house and the memories that resided there.
That place was my refuge when nothing else was. A safe haven where the man I love, unwearyingly put back together. It became my second home a place where I could see my past, present and future clearer than I had ever seen eternity with the Cullen's. It was a place where I had been included in on the tribe's greatest secrets. The days where I spent at rapt attention listening to Billy tell me all of the Quileute legends, and committing them to memory. It was the place where I learned you can love again; you can love your best friend. The place where I, with the man I loved, created the only things I considered true perfection on this earth, who were happily sleeping in the other room. Now it was the one place I was dreading more than any other. With Jacob blatantly avoiding me, I wondered how the drop off was going to go, was he going to continue using Rachel, Billy and the pack as his cover. Was this how we were going to raise our children with others as a buffer for hand offs? I knew he was in pain, I wouldn't nor couldn't deny that, but I would hope he could place that as a secondary concern behind the raising of his daughters with me.
It stung fiercely that he didn't want to see me because I couldn't fix anything if he refused to see me. I couldn't make right the errors made. I couldn't show him I was trustworthy and worthy of the forgiveness I so desperately wanted. We couldn't parent effectively if we never even saw one another.
Knowing I would have to drop my girls off at his house where he may be while I was being overrun by a storm of emotions did nothing to help me convince myself that actually dropping my girls off was a good idea. Especially in the state Juliana could be in. I was being the cliché new mother and I didn't want to let her out of my sight for anyone even her inexperienced father and aunt, not that I had much more experience. I knew I was going to have give him alone time with them but it just seemed too soon. In the whirlwind of emotions and unease I finished pumping and began looking at what I could make for breakfast.
After making breakfast and eating it before Charlie descended the stairs I made my way to the laundry room to finish the last load and fold what was dry. I wasn't in the mood to have any conversation knowing he'd bring up the girls going down to La Push or about Juliana's fussiness last night. I was in avoidance mode and my previous experience as zombie Bella made it possible to make sure I didn't have to speak to him at least through the morning, even if I felt a little guilty because of how understanding and helpful he's been.
He left for work with a kiss to my head and a goodbye thrown over his shoulder as he marched quietly through the front door. I turned to see a small package sitting on the kitchen table. I walked closer to it weary of its contents, as if Charlie would leave a ticking bomb waiting for me on the table. The closer I got I noticed a note on the top of the box. I picked up the note and the cover of the box gave me a shock, I didn't think Charlie would get me something like this, I mean I know he had one for work but he hated it. I never had one before; there had been no need when I moved here with my school, work and fun radius all within a twenty minute radius. So why did he now see the need for me to have one and why on earth did he think I had the ability to run such a contraption? The note read:
Bells,
Here is something that may help you on your runs back and forth to the res. With all the running I don't want you to get stranded with those precious babies in the back seat and have no way to get in contact with anyone and be stuck hoping someone pulls over to help you. Don't worry about the cost, I've got it covered. I don't want to hear any complaining about how you don't want it or that it's too expensive. You need it and any cost is worth it to make me worry less. So suck it up and enjoy it.
Your Dad
Putting the note down I opened the box that held a shiny new cell phone. I flipped the cover and tried to figure out how to turn it on. There was no power button like on my computer. I started pressing buttons and finally found one that worked. I felt appropriately embarrassed I was a teenager in the twenty-first century and I didn't know how to use a damn cell phone, I was going to have to ask one of the pack for help and I don't know when I'd hear the end of it. Sighing I put the phone back in the box and walked to the fridge pulling out two bottles to warm, the girls should be getting up soon and would be hungry as it had been a while since their last bottle.
Checking the girls they were still asleep and I had no intention of waking them after the night I had, I'd let them sleep another hour before I woke them. I decided to put away the laundry I had folded already away. I left two outfits for each baby on the dryer and then marched upstairs to my bedroom where I began putting away my clothes. I cleaned out a dresser drawer to put some of the babies' clothes in. After the clothes were put away I sat on my bed and surveyed the room. It was a mess and a heavy reminder of my happy distant past. If I was going to move the play pen up here for the babies to sleep in until the crib got here I was going to have to do some arranging and while I couldn't do it now, I'd do it when the babies were in La Push. That way I'd have something to do to distract me from the empty house and thoughts of Jacob.
I hadn't wasted much of the hour so I went back downstairs to pack the diaper bag for the day. I had exhausted the diapers I had brought with me so I opened the pack I bought yesterday and stuffed several days worth in the bottom of the diaper bag along with a new package of wipes. I put two of the outfits I had left on the dryer in the diaper bag and a few burping cloths as well.
Walking to the play pen I noticed that the girls were awake but happily just looking at the little toys on the side of the play pen that would be used once they started moving around more. For now the shiny and colorful little bobbles just kept their rapt attention for hours on end, something I was silently thankful for. I grabbed the bottles from the kitchen placed them by the carriers that were still sitting near the couch from last night and went back to put the girls in the carriers. I again fed both perched on the floor between the carriers at the same time.
Juliana had drank her bottle at about the same pace as Charlotte so the tiny worry I had that she'd put in a repeat performance was quelled and I decided to burp her first. Once they were both burped I changed their diapers and dressed them in the second outfits I had left on the dryer earlier.
I still had a few hours until I had to leave to go to Billy's so I the blanket I had used last night off the recliner and laid it flush on the floor. Pulling the girls out I laid them on the blanket far apart from on another that I could lay between them. I hadn't had time in the last few weeks to just play with my girls. I took a few of the toys I had bought on the shopping excursion out. I noticed as I played with my daughters they were starting to smile. Their lips would tweak and I could just make out the ghost of their fathers brilliant smile now it looked more like his impish grin. My heart clenched at the idea of their father missing such an amazing thing as their first smiles.
With a groan I laid my head down on the blanket, why, oh why, couldn't I be a rational woman? Why couldn't I react to things how normal people reacted to things, maybe then I wouldn't have left because I was scared? I would have stayed and then right now Jacob and I could be laid on the floor together playing with our daughters as they smiled for the first times. We could take the nightly feedings and diaper changes. He would calm the fears I kept ignoring right now. But I knew if I was normal I wouldn't have reacted well to having a vampire for a crush, and then I wouldn't have found out about, or reacted well to finding out my best friend and future love was a werewolf. My innate ability to be good with the weird made it impossible to react sanely to stressful situations that could change my life. Now at least I could never use running as an option in anything. It was something I could never do again.
With the thought of Jacob missing anymore of their lives I decided I could go down early. I got up and pulled four bottles out for the day. Having just eaten they should be good till a little after lunch time and then just before I picked them up, and if not they could supplement with water. I knew I was going to have to give them a schedule to follow and a few pointers if Juliana got sick again. I retrieved a piece of paper and pencil and wrote down everything I thought they would need for the day and put it in the diaper bag along with the bottles. I put the girls in their carriers with their pacifiers and secured them snuggly.
I walked out of the house and secured the front door, not knowing when I'd return thinking I could go see Emily and talk to her without the pack around. I knew nothing was sacred within the pack but between me and Emily at least I could talk about my fears and feelings without it getting back to Jacob. I could use her as a sounding board to sort through the mess that had become my life. If you'd told me the day I moved back to Forks that within two plus years I'd be a mother with no real discernable path in life. I would have burst out laughing at the thought of first being a mother and second the fact that I wasn't in school getting a degree even though even then I had no clue what I wanted to do for a career. Being with the Cullen's had just caused me to not think about it and then their abandonment had sent my life in a tailspin where I didn't have the ability to think about the future in long stretches of time.
The closer and closer I got to La Push and the Black's abode the more apprehensive I became. What if he was there? Would he hide? Would he answer the door and talk to me. Would he turn his back on me? A memory of the time when he had been kept from me by Sam filled my mind. Though this time it was his own choice and he wasn't doing to protect me, it was to hurt me in the only way he knew how, his absence. He was punishing me by keeping himself away from me, much like he felt punished when I was gone. Though I knew I deserved any punishment he gave me, even two days absence had begun to wither a considerable hole on my heart. I felt acute pain from his decision to keep himself away from me.
I pulled into the drive of my second home and parked near the house. I took in the unchanged abode in front of me and then my eyes went back to the garage behind the house and my heart seized. There standing before me was the one place I didn't want to see right now. With my inability to push emotions and memories aside, seeing that building brought up a deluge of both.
I remembered the first time I had entered that cherished building. Dragging along the dilapidated motorcycles to Jacob in an effort to fix them but in true essence, fix me. Or the countless days after where I watched him with rapt attention as he lovingly put them back together. The day that most stuck out to me burned me in more ways than one.
I drove down to the res. to see Jacob. I had last seen him three days previous, when he had gotten all of our friends together on first beach. Today though I was in desperate need of my sun, I needed his light and joy and warmth to seep through all of me and take away the darkness. It was a Saturday so Charlie and Billy had left early to go fishing, Jacob most likely got up with them to help his dad. And being it was Saturday it was Jacob's day off meaning I could spend the whole day alone with his warmth and goodness with no distractions from school, work or pack.
I pulled into the drive way and drove closer to the garage where I knew he'd be. The Rabbit had needed work and he hadn't the time to do it. I knew he'd take his day off to do that work. I walked with trepidation I felt in my toes, I was uneasy in mind, thought and emotions swirling through me that I couldn't share with anyone. I was waiting for the consistency of Jake to quell the raging emotions.
Before I could reach the door of the garage it opened before me, Jake pulling me into one of his signature bear hugs. I placed my head in the crook of his neck and breathed in his scent. In his arms the world was righted and all evils evaporated. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and I squeezed him right back.
"Hey Bells." He said happily.
"Hey Jake." I sighed happily, he was already having an effect of me.
Instead of setting me down he walked into the garage, shutting the door behind him, and went to the couch he had placed in there in May to give me a more comfortable place to sit when watching him work.
Sitting down he kept me in his lap while I straddled his lab, I had to pull my legs from behind them to fold them around his. I still hadn't released my arms from the death hold they held on his shoulders.
"What's going on Bells? You okay?" The smile not leaving his voice.
"I missed you." I mumbled into his neck.
"It's been three days."
"I know it's been too long, I missed your warmth."
He chuckled. "Ah I see I'm just your space heater, is that all I am to you?"He says with mirth heavy in his voice.
"No, you're so much more than my space heater, you're my sun, and you make me feel all toasty inside."
"Let me warm you up then." He leaned back as I lifted my head. He captured my lips and secured his hands on my hips. Our lips moved and melded together in a dance I loved more and more every day. I don't think I would ever tire of kissing Jake.
I moved my hands that were clutched together at the base of his neck up into his shortly cropped hair. I ran my fingers through the hair and began slightly tugging on the strands eliciting a small moan from Jacob. He pulled me closer with the hands that were still planted on my hips. We were fused from our head to our hips.
His hand began ghosting up and down my sides, bringing forth delightful tingles that flowed through my entire body. His hand would rise until the just rubbed the edges of my breasts and then descend till they reached where my backside swelled out and begin their path again. The only thing it made me think was; more, more, moremoremore.
He moved his left hand from my side into my hair as he cupped the side of my face as he began to deepen the kiss by enticing my mouth to open with his tongue. I gladly obliged. He began to move his other hand down to the edge of my shirt and then under where he moved his fingers in a slow tortuous massage of my lower back.
When the need to breathe grew more than the need to continue kissing he used his hold on my hair as a way to tip my head back and then moved his lips down my jaw to my ear where he wrapped his lips around and nipped gently and then embarked on the path down my neck with open mouth kisses. I moved my hand from his hair to trace the sinews of his upper back.
He reached my collar bone where his open mouth kisses were now nips and suckles. Without much conscious thought my hips began rocking on him in order to alleviate the need that was beginning to grow within me causing Jake to groan in response. He paused his kisses in order to look me in the eye where the question was obvious; 'Is this okay', without words I nodded my consent and he slowly removed my t-shirt.
He immediately pulled me closer and began trailing kisses and nips down my chest to where I really wanted him. I began running my nails up and down his back and over his arms. He shivered in response. His hands left my hair and back and began to inch closer to my breasts. I moved my hands to my back and unhooked my bra, letting him know I wanted to go further. As my bra loosened he pulled it from me and threw it in the direction of my shirt.
We were both breathing heavily and as he began kneading and pinching me I began mewling in pleasure, as his lips descended on my chest I could no longer contain my moans of approval. We were rocking together the pleasure growing between us; I could feel his desire for me grow beneath me and I'm sure he could smell mine for him.
He turned me over and laid me down on the couch and he hovered over me never stopping the attention he paid to my chest. I moved my hand in between us and grasped his desire and then popped the button on his cut offs and carefully slid the zipper down. This caused him to stop the torture he was paying to me and lay his head on my chest and groan. I pulled him up to me so I could kiss him again. There was no preamble and we were devouring each other and it still wasn't enough for me, he began to focus his attention on my neck and collarbone.
"Jake, I want you." I breathlessly said while running the tips of my fingers down his chest to explore his wonderful abs. I was raking my nails up and down his amazing muscles feeling every amazing groove and bulge beneath my fingers.
"God Bells" Jake growled out in response and attacked my mouth and tongue with renewed vigor.
I moved my arms around his lower back and pulled him closer aligning our centers both of us groaning in response. His right hand slid down my body extracting shivers in response as kneaded my hip before moving to my center where he undid the button and zipper on my jeans and then slid his hand down them to cup my center. My hips rose and I cried out, "Jake" breathlessly.
He sat back on his heels between my parted legs and began pulling my jeans off, my shoes having come off earlier without my notice. "So beautiful," he says as he looks at my nearly nude form with reverence. Once my jeans were off he began kissing, nipping and sucking his way up my body at a painfully slow pace, paying special attention to my inner thighs, my hips and the underside of my breasts driving me mad with pleasure.
"Jake, please I need you." He stopped and looked at me then. Looking if what I was telling him was said in the moment of pleasure or something I wanted. Sure we had been in this position before but we'd never been where I was asking him to go. We had mutually pleasured on another with our hands and mouths but had never preformed the ultimate expression of our love and today I was sure I needed him in that way.
"Please Jake; I'm sure, so sure." I said as I brought my feet up to help my hands remove what was left of his clothes. I then brought my hands up to cup his face where I kissed him sweetly letting him know I really was sure. He responded in kind then began exploring my body with his warm calloused hands.
With the removal of the last piece of clothing between us, we had entered into uncharted territory and my nerves increased. My breathing labored with both desire and trepidation.
Jacob began kissing and massaging his way down my body increasing my pleasure and need for fulfillment. He reached my aching center and brought me that fulfillment while devouring my flesh like a starving man. All coherent thought was driven from my mind as he finally brought me to my release. As I came down from the ultimate high he re-climbed my body.
I wanted to return the favor, so I reached my hand down between us when he pulled my hand up stopping me. "As much as I want you to do that honey, I won't be able to keep going if you do." He said and then kissed me brought his hands down to my behind to position me differently and then stopped.
My eyes met his and he looked lovingly at me. "Are you sure Bells?" though his lips asked his eyes hoped I don't say no.
"Positive Jake, make love to me."
He kissed me and slowly entered me. "I love you Bells," he said as he reached my barrier. I was uncomfortable being stretched but not in pain. Jacob stopped at my barrier and slowly pulled part way out and then returned breaking my virginity and his along with it. White hot pain shot through me and I whimpered in response causing Jake to freeze and look at me with fear in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry Bella, what do you want me to do, do you want me to pull out?" He asked pain and panic thick in his voice.
"No, just…just don't move for a bit." I said gritting my teeth praying the pain would go away because I didn't want him to leave me. Though it hurt, I felt complete with him there, filled to the brim with love. I knew it was going to hurt, it was common knowledge that the first time hurt but this, this was not what I was expecting and I didn't want it to ruin our time together.
He froze in me and rained my face and neck and any other part of me he could reach without moving his lower half with kisses and whispers of his love and his apologies for the pain I was in. I waited an inarticulate amount of time till the pain seemed to lessen. I moved my hips to see if I was correct and though the pain had lessened extremely it was still there. I told him to try moving and he did. Now I felt both pain and pleasure and with each movement he made the pleasure increased. I also felt so much love for the man above me, more than I thought possible.
We moved together. Meeting and pulling apart; noises emanating from each of us as we brought one another closer to completion. I knew Jake was getting close by the sounds he was making, sounds I had heard before. His movements losing their rhythm and he began moving a little more frantically inside of me. An extreme look of concentration flitted across his face as his eyes met mine. I could tell he was trying to hold out for me but I knew I couldn't find my release this time. The pain in the beginning had ensured that. As much as I wanted to get my release I was okay with it not happening, though this experience wasn't what I thought it was going to be, the love I felt for him and the way he made me feel made it more special then I had ever imagined.
When I really thought about it, most people wouldn't find it special that they lost their virginity on the couch in a rickety garage at their boyfriend's house, but for me, for us, this garage was the beginning of us, the beginning of Jake and Bells. I couldn't think of a better place for us to begin this new phase of our relationship.
Jake couldn't hold on for me and he found his release within me, the look on his face as he came to completion will forever be burned in me and the feeling of that completion within me made me feel so special, so loved I began to tear up.
He saw me crying and with his release coming before me he thought he had done something wrong or hurt me.
"Bells, honey, I'm sorry…I didn't know, did I hurt you? Oh God…shit. I'm sorry, you just felt so good and I couldn't hold on. Bells talk to me, please tell me what's wrong." He spluttered as I cried, even this was adorable to me. How could he think that what he had just shared wasn't anything short of amazing?
"Jake, you didn't do anything wrong and you didn't hurt me. You were so amazing and I have never felt so loved." Kissing him to show him I meant it.
We spent the next hour just cuddled up on that couch doing nothing but kissing and caressing slowly basking in our love. I spent the rest of my day watching him work on the Rabbit. He kept throwing me shy happy glances from over the engine causing me to blush uncontrollably.
I was pulled out of the most blissfully happy yet painful memory by the product of that morning in the garage. One of my girls was cooing from the backseat. I smiled and climbed out of the car on shaky legs. That memory had taken a lot of me and left me emotionally and physically weak. So much had changed since that day, I had fallen more in love with him and then destroyed it by acting rashly.
I grabbed the carriers and the diaper bag and walked to the front door. I was now faced with a dilemma, do I just walk in like I used to or do I knock. I decided knocking was the best idea, that way Jacob would have a warning if he didn't smell me coming, then he could hide from me if he so chose. I waited for the door to be answered. Nearly a minute later Billy answered the door with a big smile on his face.
"Hey Bella, dropping the girls off for the day?" The joy in his voice at the prospect of spending the day with his granddaughters made me ignore the fact that I was doing this for Jacob though he didn't even have the balls to call me on the phone to ask right now.
"Yeah, I know I'm early but I figure you wouldn't mind an hour more with them. Do you want me to put them in the living room Billy?" I asked still on the porch.
"Sounds good to me." He rolled backwards to make room for me to enter. I walked to the living room, pulled the throw from the back of the couch and laid it out on the floor. I pulled the girls out of their carriers and set them on the blanket. Since I didn't feel like packing the play pen the blanket would work for the day. They weren't rolling around yet so no one had to worry about them rolling across the room.
I placed a pacifier in their mouths and set some of their toys near them. I stood and looked at Billy and my brilliant plan to have them on the floor seemed suddenly stupid. My eyes left him and looked down the hall to Jacob's room. Knowing he could be close but possibly refusing to come out made my heart physically ache and made my lungs struggle for air.
I turned back to Billy. "Um is it ok I left them on the floor or should I put them back in the carriers so their easier for you to get them if they begin to cry or what not?"
"No, where they are is fine, Rachel should be here soon to help." He supplied his eyes where mine had just been. Now I knew without a doubt he was in his room. Before I could react or respond Rachel came through the front door.
"Hey Bella, you're here early. How are my nieces this morning?" She seemed happy, the tension from last night, a distant memory for her.
"Their good I guess. I just feed them so they should be good on that front for several hours. I left you enough bottles for this afternoon's feedings as well as just before dinner. If they get hungry in between just give them a bottle of water. Right now Juliana is acting a bit off. When you feed her, if she drinks her bottle faster than Charlotte, be aware that she will spit it up when you burp her and she will have a really messy diaper not long after. If she does spit up, don't give her more milk but give her a bottle of water instead because she will have an empty stomach. I gave you an extra set of clothes and burping cloths so if she makes a mess you have something to change her into. You may have to bathe her if she makes too much of a mess." I sighed, I was really uncomfortable with leaving Juliana right now but Jacob needed this experience even if I didn't like it.
"I have an approximate schedule of when they should be fed and when they should take naps. They may not follow this but try to keep them on it as best you can. If you have any questions I should be at Charlie's. He did get me a cell but I don't know the number and I have no clue on how to find it. Any questions?" I know Jake could hear me, but if he had questions he was shit out of luck with getting an answer, because he was being a baby. Nope I'm not bitter at all.
"If I have any questions I'll give you a call." She said sitting down near the girls. The silence that followed was uncomfortable and I wanted to get out of here but the idea of leaving my babies made me freeze. I waited for what I didn't know till being uncomfortable outweighed anything else.
"Well, I'm going to go; I'll be back at about seven." I made my way to my girls, gave them a kiss on their delicate heads and walked out the front door where I stopped walking and sighed. If I hadn't stopped I wouldn't have heard it but I did and regretted it instantly; before I could make my way to the car something inside got my attention.
"There are my pups, aren't you two beautiful today." The unmistakable voice of Jacob came through the front door. I fought a sob until I was inside my car. I let a few tears fall and then I steeled myself and drove back to Charlie's.
I clambered into Charlie's trying to be numb but failing miserably. I hated this, this separation from him not only physically but emotionally. I felt like there was a grand canyon of emotional baggage to get through before we could even begin to live with one another. If I wasn't hurting him with the truth then he was hurting me any way he could. My soul ached for the man I made love to, the friend I told everything to and the wolf that made me feel safe and protected. Right now I was walking on egg shells with no end in sight.
I decided that I needed to stay busy to get my mind of everything. I finished the laundry I had left and then put the remainder of the clean items away. I decided I would feed whatever wolf was close by, as thanks for protecting me. I made Philly cheese steaks for them and then went outside the back door and yelled for someone to come. Three minutes later Collin came in the back door.
"Hey I thought you'd be hungry so I made you some lunch." I said as I pointed to the pile of sandwiches on the kitchen table. He got a gleam in his eye and then dived at the table to begin to devour his food. He ate quietly, not that he could speak with a mouth full of food. I ate my sandwich and then began to lightly clean the kitchen from its lunch mess. Once Collin was done he put the plate he used in the sink. I turned to him.
"Thanks B, food was great as always. I really missed you." He said, hugged me and then ran out the back door. I stood shocked for a few moments and then resumed cleaning.
I marched upstairs to take the shower I was unable to take this morning. I scrubbed my hair thoroughly and then gladly shaved since I didn't have a time limit. I made my way back to my room and realized I was going to have to do some rearranging to fit the play pen up here. I couldn't spend another night downstairs. The couch and recliner just weren't comfortable enough.
I spent the rest of the afternoon moving furniture, putting things away and then bringing the play pen upstairs. It was a tight fit but it would work until Embry and Seth brought the crib back. I couldn't wait to get a good night's sleep in my bed with my babies close by. Though the distance to the fridge would be a downside and might possibly wake Charlie I could live with that when I was snuggled warmly in my bed at night.
I made my way downstairs where I got started on dinner for me and Charlie. I still had two hours before I had to leave to go get the girls and I didn't want to be late. Even though I had distracted myself all day I couldn't ignore the worry that was ever present in my thoughts. Juliana being sick just made that worry so much worse. I decided that my enchiladas would be a good meal for me and Charlie so I got to work getting them ready. Once they were in I set the table just as he walked in the front door. He hung up his gun and made his way into the kitchen.
"Hey Bells, how was your day without the girls?"
"Good I kept busy so I didn't have to dwell too much on their absence but I can't wait until I can have them under the same roof as me." The unease I was in leaked into my voice.
"Well you'll have them back soon and everything will be okay." Charlie tried to reassure me.
We ate chatting idly about each other's days. Charlie was pleased that I rearranged my room so that someone didn't have to sleep downstairs. I told him of my worries about them waking him.
"Bella I lived through the times you woke up nightly and sometimes more screaming from nightmares and when you were a baby, I think I can live through this too." I winced at the reminder of my nights of screaming; knowing I was still having nightmares that scared me awake, just now I no longer woke screaming. I think it was a subconscious effort to make sure I didn't wake my children because of the nightmares, and then I'd get even less sleep than I already did.
The time finally came for me to head to La Push and I didn't leave even a minute late. I drove at a decent speed excited to see my girls. I pulled into the Black's drive and walked to the front door and knocked. To my surprise Paul answered the door with a scowl in place.
I pushed passed him, I didn't have the time nor the attention to care what crawled up his butt and died. He had always been colder to me than the others, even after imprinting on Rachel and her becoming one of my closest friends. He and I had a relationship of silent distance. I stayed away from him, he stayed away from me and when one annoyed the other we'd bit our tongues.
When I entered the living room panic set in when I didn't see the babies or their carriers. I looked around frantically for them, not finding any trace but the used bottles sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch.
"You know it'd serve you right if he ran with them for a while right?"I heard Paul spew from behind me. If I thought I was panicking before I didn't know what panicking was.
"What are you talking about?" Trying in vain to keep my voice level.
"I mean it would serve you right if Jacob took the girls with him and went away somewhere where you couldn't find him and make you worry like he did when you were gone, when you put us all through the pain that was in his head." Paul said as he proudly sat on the couch, hands behind his head with a smug smile on his face. He knew he was getting to me and right now I didn't care, I just wanted to know where my babies were.
I don't know if it was the fact that today I didn't have any control of my emotions or if the panic made me not think clearly but what emitted from my mouth for the next several minutes made me want to retract my word vomit.
"You think he was the only one in pain, do you think I didn't suffer every day that I was away?" I asked him in a bitter voice.
"You suffer? You don't know how to suffer properly; when you suffer you make everyone else suffer along with you."
"Just because I wasn't here, just because I was the one who decided to leave doesn't mean that every day that I was gone, that they weren't some of the worst days of my life, because they were."
"You mean worse than your; 'I miss my leech so much I'm going to go jump off this cliff' days, yeah right."
"You don't know anything you pompous no good excuse for a dog." I bit out.
"Well you are a right bitch who doesn't deserve any of us to welcome you back with open arms after the shit you put Jacob, and everyone else through."
"You're right I don't deserve to be forgiven so easily, but don't for one fucking second think that what I've been through the past seven months has been shits and giggles on my end."
"What was it so hard to have a perfect little normal life while you were away." He replied sarcastically.
"Normal? What part about being nineteen and pregnant with twins of a seventeen year old werewolf is normal. What part of me having to run away because I was so fucking terrified that Jake would imprint and leave me alone that I ran over a day away so that when he did I wasn't around to see it."
"Imprinting, all this bull shit is about imprinting, are you fucking serious?"
"You have no right to judge me when it comes to imprinting, you have no clue what it is like not to be able to believe that the person you love will be there for you forever, no clue what it is like to fear that they will be ripped from you by a complete stranger. No clue what it is like to belong to someone but know without a doubt they don't belong to you. I am Jake's without doubt but it's painfully obvious he's not mine. You got your imprint, you don't ever have to worry that she'd leave you for any of the reasons I left. And she will never have to worry about you leaving her, about you falling in love with someone else. It's all hunky dory for you. Yeah you've seen it in Jake's head but you have no clue what it is like to fear something day in and day out that you know with absolute certainty will happen one day and when it does it will destroy the world you hold dear. So can your judgmental bull shit."
"Then for fucks sake why the hell did you sleep with him?"
"Because we were in love numb nuts."
"Oh I can see how much you loved him, leaving him alone to go out of his mind; you have no clue the kind of pain he was in while you were gone, no clue." He growled back.
"Your right I don't have any clue, except what he told me the other day, but you have no clue the kind of pain I went through while I was away either."
"What it was like to spend every day away from him knowing I was hurting him but to scared to come back; to physically ache for him, his arms, his smile, his warmth. I ached for him every day and every night. I didn't go one minute without thinking about him."
"Do you think it was easy being pregnant and being completely alone? Because it wasn't. All I wanted was him the first time I felt the babies kick, all I needed was him. When I first heard their heart beats every part of me cried in pain that he wasn't there, that I couldn't share it with him, with anyone. I was all alone in everything. I worked full time plus plenty of overtime to avoid being completely alone. I was in physical and emotional pain every fucking day I was away. I haven't had one single night of nightmare free sleep since the day I left. I have jumped awake in tears nearly every night. Nightmares of him being killed, of him imprinting, and of hundreds of other horrible images that will never leave me."
"I cried for hours the first time I saw my girls on the ultrasound, because I wanted with every molecule in me for him to be there to share it with me but I believed that I was doing what was best for everyone but me. Because I will never believe that Jacob's not best for me. Though I agree with the god's of imprinting, I'm not good enough for him, but that doesn't mean I wasn't torn up and destroyed to be away from him."
"You have no clue how absolutely terrifying it is to go into labor by yourself. The panic that grips every part of you and doesn't let go until you hold your child in your arms. You have no clue what it was like for me be by myself that day, when all I wanted was him. No clue what it was like to push the life I created with him out of my body and crave that he was there with me to comfort me, to calm my fears and tell me everything was going to be okay."
"You have no clue what it was like to finally have your child finally come into the world only to have your body dumped into the fathoms of the ocean when she didn't cry, or whimper, or make any sound letting me know she was ok. I was in the middle of active labor and I quit pushing, quit breathing and moving just waiting for my little girl to move, to breathe, and to cry. I needed her to do something because if she didn't I was going to go with her. For four minutes I didn't do anything, couldn't do anything. The doctors yelling at me, telling me I needed to push to get Charlotte out but I couldn't. I was terrified that if I pushed her out she'd be like her sister and as bad as it was, I couldn't comprehend losing both of them. I knew I was the reason Juliana wasn't breathing, I was the reason that she was dying. If I hadn't waited so long to go to the hospital, if I had found out sooner I was expecting, if I had done something different she would be crying her lungs out right now. I was frantic with terror. I prayed endlessly that she would suck in any air, just last a minute longer, and when another minute I would pray for another minute. Those four minutes were the longest of my life. Finally after four minutes and tons of work by the doctors did they get her breathing, did they keep her living. I was able to focus and deliver Charlotte two minutes after her sister's first breath and I prayed that she'd be fine."
"You don't know pain until you have to watch your child on a ventilator, breathing for them; you don't know torment until you hear the doctor tell you that because she was born with underdeveloped lungs and went so long without oxygen that she is at risk for a variable of problems down the line, several of which could kill her. You have no clue what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night waking up to the crib, checking to see if she is still breathing or to find out if you're going to find your daughter dead and lifeless in her crib. I fear whenever she sneezes or coughs. I am constantly afraid of losing her and then losing Jake forever in the process because we both know he won't survive the death of his child. How do you think he would have handled being in the delivery room when they were working to save her? He wouldn't and we both know it."
"So not only do I have to worry about coming into the room and finding my child dead I have to worry about a selfish egomaniacal bitch of a vampire that wants to kill me but maybe my children too."
"So get off your high horse and quit judging me because yes, leaving Jake left him in pain but it left me in pain too, and I've had to handle some things you couldn't even envision." I finally quit my rant, drained and I realized I was kneeling on the floor panting. Paul's eyes were as large as saucers and he just stared at me.
"Bella?" A pained whisper came from me. I jumped not expecting it. There in the entrance to the hallway was Rachel with tears running down her face. At first I couldn't figure out why she was crying. The realization that came sent ice through my veins. I just yelled my biggest secret to Paul, a wolf, who the next time he phased would let it all out, Jacob would find out. Something I did not want.
"Bella," She said again. I turned to her not knowing what to expect.
"Is that why when you're about to freak out or go through something difficult you cling to her? I've seen you do it more than once now, and is that why you're so freaked about her being sick right now?" I nodded.
"It helps to hold her close, to know she's really here and okay and yes it's why I worried right now because it could be something every baby gets or it's just something she's susceptible to because of her birth." My voice thick with unshed tears. I turn to Paul. Before I can say anything the front door slams.
"What the hell is going on here, I get a call from Rachel saying you and Bella are getting into a fight. Really Paul you haven't learned not to control your anger and Bella isn't breaking your hand twice in a fight with a wolf enough." Sam chastises.
"Thank god you're here Sam, I need you to do me a favor." I rush out.
"Are you two going to explain yourselves?"
"Will you do me the favor?"
"What is it?"
"I need you to Alpha order Paul not to tell anyone what he's heard nor to think about it when phased." I reply. Sam's eyes bug out.
"What, what the hell did you tell him that he can't think about it."
"Do it Sam, order me please, this isn't something you want in the pack mind." Paul says quietly.
Sam and Rachel gaped at him and I wanted to hug him. If I could keep this out of the pack mind then Jacob couldn't hate me for nearly killing his daughter. Sam remained quiet for a while just studying Paul.
"Paul I order you to not talk to anyone nor to even think about while phased, anything Bella mentioned this afternoon." Sam's Alpha timbre reverberating in the air. I blew out a relived sigh.
"You promise you won't mention anything either Rachel, please."
"Bella, he needs to know…"
"No he doesn't, he'll hate me; you promise you won't say anything."
"Fine, he won't get one word of anything, but if you ever get too overwhelmed with this you come to me okay." Rachel finally agreed.
I nodded. "Now where are my girls I want to go home."
"I just gave them a bath and redressed them, they're ready to go." She turned and walked down the hall.
"Will someone tell me what the hell is going on here, what the hell are you three going on about?" Sam asked annoyed.
"I'm sorry Sam but I can't tell you because you can't keep this from your thoughts and I don't want him to know."
"Bella and I just came to an understanding after lots of yelling. We're good now, Sam promise." Paul supplied.
Rachel walked back in the room with both carriers and diaper bag. I collected the dirty bottles and took the diaper bag from her. She set the carriers down and then hugged me. I was wishing she could just forget what she heard but I knew that wouldn't happen.
"Bella are you sure you're okay?" Sam asked worriedly.
"I'm fine, I just want to get home and get the girls to bed." I picked up the carriers and diaper bag and walked out the door calling goodbye over my shoulder.
I was glad when I made it home. I had pumped before I left so I knew I had enough milk for the night and tomorrow morning. I climbed the stairs with the carriers set the girls in the play pen and went to the bathroom to change for bed.
I slept fitfully I had shut the window before I went to bed so that the girls didn't get chilled the only problem was that I was burning hot and wanted desperately to have the window open. My dreams were of their usual horrible variety and along with waking up to feed and change the girls my sleep had serious awake portions in it. Thankfully I slept in longer than normal, figuring Charlie could defend for himself for breakfast.
With everything that had happened the last week, and it wasn't even over, I was hoping my life would slow down some. Considering Renee hadn't arrived yet, I knew that wasn't looking very likely.
A/N 2: So I'm really nervous about this chapter. Not only with the citrus but with her rant at Paul. Thank you everyone for giving me such great response with this story. It really does amaze me the number of people who read this each week. Thank you to everyone who reads, alerts, favorites and reviews this story. It means bunches to me. Please let me know what you think of this super long chapter, double the average size.
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