Eli
"But daddy I don't want to be in the Christmas pageant!"
"Little E, mommy wants you to be in it… It could be fun."
"Well I want to play a cow."
"A cow? You're an angel."
"That's a girl role… I want to be a wise man."
"You're an angel."
"I want to be a piggy!"
"You're already one without the play little E."
"Hey!"
"Dude come on… I'll….take you out for ice-cream if you go to this rehearsal and behave, and then if you do well in the pageant there may be a little vacation in order before school starts back."
"To where?"
"Where does Mickey Mouse live?"
"Disney world? Oh boy! Is mommy coming?"
"We will see."
Little E has turned into a little piggy. That boy is picking up weight. He's chubby, but not really fat. I haven't had to buy him any new clothes, that's a plus right? I guess that is my fault, I let him eat whatever he wants. I don't know how to regulate his diet like Clare used to. I guess it's also wrong to use Disney world as an incentive for Little E considering the fact that we were going regardless. It will be good for me to see my mom again, and she would finally get to meet little E. I still haven't decided if I'm going to ask Clare to go or not. Things have gotten better. I'm not that mad at her anymore thanks to therapy and the lessening gossip but… I still have my moments. I put little E's angel costume on and he looked more like… Well let's just say he's not the type of angel you'd want to be at your bedside. Talk about angry.
We arrived at the church where Clare was standing in the back with Eliza and Darcy. Little E hugged them all before going up and joining the practice. I guess I'm chatting with the ladies for right now.
"He looks so mad, what'd you do to him Eli?"
"Clare are you implying that I anger little E?"
"Just asking."
"He doesn't want to be an angel."
"I knew he'd hate that part but doesn't his little chubby butt look adorable in that angel costume?"
"If you say so."
"You bribed him didn't you?"
"How'd you know?"
"I don't know, a little birdie told me."
Little E didn't have many lines but there were lots of little songs to sing. He didn't seem to have a problem with those; he knew them mostly because around Christmas time he usually hears Clare singing it around the house.
After the rehearsal Little E practically ripped off the costume and handed it to Clare with a scowl on his face. She took it and tried to conceal her laugh. Eliza pulled him into a hug and he gave in, letting her kiss on his cheeks.
"Aunt Eliza, are you excited about going to Disney World with me and Daddy?"
"Yeah I am Little E, how'd you find out we were going? We weren't telling you until Christmas morning…"
"That may have been the bribe…"
"Party pooper."
"Disney world?"
"Clare didn't Eli tell you?"
"No he didn't."
"I was getting to it guys… Clare, we are going to Disney world."
"You had to deliberate on inviting me didn't you?"
"I didn't know if you would want to go…"
"Well I want to go… if it's not too much trouble for you."
"It's not."
Well that went horrible. I should have told Little E to keep things a secret. Now I feel really bad… Clare looked hurt and she probably feels left out. I decided that we needed to talk so I invited her out with me for little E's reward ice-cream at Crazy Cream; it's like chucky cheese for ice-cream. I gave him some money to get tokens and he played while Clare and I talked over a banana split.
"It's okay if you don't want me to go. I understand."
"Clare it's not that okay… Okay it sort of was that. I hadn't decided if I was asking you or not."
"Well I'll just stay. Wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable."
"Look, we have an extra spot anyway since Tommy is going to Aspen. Over the next few weeks let's… hang out. Like we done when we first met. If we are going to get back on track we have to start talking in therapy and outside of therapy."
"Okay."
"Are you sad?"
"Just a little."
"Please don't be."
"I can't help it…"
"Clare you don't think I miss you being home?"
"Who knows? Maybe you have someone else."
"I don't okay! God, I miss you… I miss us but we have to do this right so that we can be stronger. Don't cry…"
"I can't help it."
Clare
I tried to compose myself. At any moment little E could come waltzing over to see my crying. He's smarter than a lot of other kids his age and he will know Eli and me bickering. I want to go home… Not to Darcy and Peter's house… the house that used to be mine when I was still a child but my home. The one Eli bought and fixed up for us.
At night when Darcy and Peter are out, or in their room being their own little family I just sit in front of the tree and think about how little E tops our tree with a living dead doll instead of a star. I miss that… But I have nobody to blame but me…
I even miss Eli's Christmas pranks like… him dressing up like the Grinch, body paint and all… to chase me and little E around while we screamed in terror. Yeah that is a crazy memory but it's my memory. I could still kick myself in the face for throwing it all away. I think its people like me who hang themselves on tinsel or swallow Christmas tree balls made of glass… you won't have to think about past memories that you're not able to recreate if you're dead.
Little E ran over like I predicted. He had tickets wrapped around his body. He looked so excited. His eyes were my eyes and everything else was Eli. He sat in Eli's lap and started drinking water from a crazy straw. Now is the perfect time for me to ask little E what he wants for Christmas. Probably a life size living dead doll.
"Baby, what do you want mommy to get you for Christmas?"
"I thought you would never ask mommy! I want you to come home with me and daddy and to go to Disney world with me, daddy, Aunt Eliza, Grampy, Uncle Tommy, Uncle Fitz, Kelly, Uncle Adam and Fiona! And I decided I want a little brother and…. A puppy!"
"Oh goodness, that is certainly a… um tall order."
Eli shot me a worried look and then he texted me… "I'll get my dad to watch little E, we…we really need to talk tonight. For real and in private."
"Okay."
Eliza
"Separate rooms?"
"Yes Fitz, I have morals and standards."
"Since when…"
"Ha ha…"
"I know I know…we aren't dating so we can't stay in the same room."
"Exactly."
"Well, then accept my offer to take you on a date and them we will be dating."
"No…"
"Tease."
"Bully."
"I haven't had sex in forever."
"Well then I suggest you rub one out."
"You know you want it too."
"Actually I don't… But I could use some cereal with pickles on the side…yum."
"Fatty."
"Bully."
"I miss you… Why were you hanging out with Wesley?"
"What?"
"The other day."
"Oh, he's a friend of mine. Geez..."
"I don't like that."
"Well that's just too darn bad."
"You're driving me up a wall woman."
"Like I said, it won't be easy."
"You didn't lie."
Eli
"Dad thanks again for this."
"No problem. Me and him are going to chill out, have a few root beers."
"Typical."
"Go talk to Clare. She's been looking depressed lately…"
"Who isn't?"
"Eli…"
"Fine dad fine…:
When I got to the apartment Clare was sitting in her car crying and she popped a pill. I knocked on her window and she jumped. She got out of the car and put the pill bottle back in her purse.
"Pills?"
"Just nerve pills."
"Oh, why were you sitting in the car? You could have just gone on up. You still have a key."
"Well I didn't want to intrude."
"Clare just come on."
We went into the apartment and we sat at the kitchen table. The light above our heads made it feel like an interrogation room. She was looking down at her hands… I decided to start this chat…
"Clare look at me."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"You sound angry."
"Just look at me."
"I'm scared."
"Edwards please look up…"
She wouldn't so I walked around the other side of the table. I grabbed her arms and shook her a little. Forcing her to look at me. She cried out and then looked right in my eyes. Tears were still streaming from her eyes.
"Clare, god I love you."
"I don't deserve it!"
"Why not! Clare why don't you?"
"Because Eli, I messed everything up."
"Yeah you did but… We can fix this Clare, we can fix us but I need to know that I can trust you! I need you to know that you can trust me to talk to me when you're feeling under too much pressure or like you want to do something wild and crazy and stupid. Can I trust you?"
She was too busy sobbing to answer so I shook her again and then she finally just screamed out…
"Yessss!"
"Yesss?"
"Yes."
I dropped to my knees, bringing her out of the chair and onto the floor with me. We embraced each other crying for what seemed like hours. Then when it felt like my knees might bust open I took a deep breath and got off the floor. I pulled Clare up too.
"I wanna come home…"
"We'll move your stuff back tomorrow after therapy."
"Thank you."
"I think it would be better though… if I sleep in Little E's room for the time being… until we get to that point again."
"Okay…"
Clare was still crying and trembling a tiny bit. We hugged again and I kissed her on the cheek. We had some coffee to calm her nerves and then she went back to Darcy's to start packing her things. My father called and told me little E was staying the night with him and that he'd take him to school. As for me, I went to bed.
Adam
Dinner with the twins. Declan and Fiona were a blast to hang out with. Of course, Fiona is always fun to be with in my eyes. She's my… one and only. At least I hope so because it would suck if she wasn't. The bubbly and bud brownies were in heavy rotation and so was the laughter. Fiona went to the restroom and things sobered up for a bit.
"So, Adam… Eliza Goldsworthy. She still with that loser?"
"What loser?"
"Mark Fitzgerald."
"Oh, yeah…they are having a baby."
"She's wasting her life."
"Dude, what made you think of her?"
"I was just…going through some old pictures. We used to hang out you know, before I graduated and then we lost contact mostly, expect for seeing her at a few of Fiona's mixers."
"Oh… Well, she and Fitz aren't officially together…. They broke up because he used to totally beat her up and say mean things to her and she got fed up…she's probably just being nice to him now because he got shot and almost died."
"Wow, I've been gone a while what happened? Drunken bar fight?"
"No….Owen…"
"Man hey it's okay… I can get the scoop later. Now tell me, you think she'll go for me?"
"Um… maybe?"
"Give me her number and we will see."
"She's going to have my head on a platter."
I gave Declan the number and his smiled was as wide as a jack o lantern's… Even though Owen is dead now, and I know there's no chance he will ever be able to hurt me again hearing his name makes me go into a dark place. Like merely hearing about him takes me to the most concentrated depths of my own personal hell.
Fiona emerged from the bathroom and she looked chipper. I snapped out of my sudden bought of depression and we finished off the brownies and the champagne. Then it was like somebody turned off all our light switches because we went to sleep.
Eliza
"Please stay the night? Kelly misses you when you are gone."
"Well then I'll take Kelly with me."
"But, she misses me too."
"Fitz, I'm not staying the night. Those big brown eyes won't work."
"Please? I bought you underwear."
"Well… it is late. And you are begging…. Only because Kelly needs me."
"Yes!"
"But I'm taking the bed… you're sleeping on the couch."
"Why can't you take the couch?"
"Because I'm six and a half months pregnant that's why."
"Well I got shot."
"The doctors said you are fine now."
"Fine…take the bed."
"If you promise not to try and touch me you can….sleep in the bed."
"Knew I'd wear you down."
"Don't get used to it."
When Fitz was going to get Kelly dressed for bedtime I got a text… "Hi Eliza, this is Declan, remember me? I was thinking it's been forever since we've hung out. Tomorrow at the Straight Ahead Café?" I texted back "yes"… it's good to have friends right?
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