Chapter Ten
Spencer entered her apartment with a million feelings running through her and all of them were bad. She was angry, upset, sad, embarrassed, and frustrated. Not to mention she felt bad that she pretty much stole a cab from some girl. Spencer could only imagine the reaction that stranger had when she pulled her out of the way so she can get into the waiting taxi herself. She also couldn't get the image of Ashley running out of the restaurant looking for her as the taxi driver drove away.
The night did not go the way Spencer expected. She had no idea why she snapped at Ashley the way she did. She just wanted a perfect night with the girl of her dreams. Instead, her past kept coming back to remind her how not so perfect her high school life was.
It's not like Ashley knew how bad it was for me because I refuse to tell her. But she doesn't need to know that about me. Why does she keep bringing it up? What does she expect from me? To admit I was the girl she saw every Friday? What would that give her?
Spencer groaned in frustration as she made her way to her bedroom. She threw herself face first onto pillows and squeezed them around her head. She hadn't felt this shitty since high school. One incident seem to creep in her mind as Spencer thought about the events of the night.
She had stomped into the courtyard with tears falling down her face. They had a substitute for English class that day, and of course he had asked her to read a stanza out loud from the poem they were studying. She stuttered her whole way through and the teacher didn't know exactly whether to ask her to stop or let her finish. Of course he chose the latter, and Spencer stuttered through the entire thing while listening to not so discrete snickers from her class.
When she was done, Spencer bit her lip so hard from trying not to cry that she tasted blood. The teacher asked someone else to read the next stanza and of course he chose one of the biggest assholes. The asshole started to read the poem with a stutter just to mock Spencer. He earned laughs from the class but fortunately the substitute had the brains to stop him. Spencer looked down the remainder of the class trying her hardest not to cry. She felt like she was going to explode from the hurt and embarrassment.
She almost considered not going to the courtyard because she didn't want Ashley seeing her in this state. But seeing her would make her day a little better even if were just a second. Spencer was pulling violently at the grass blades when Ashley arrived. The tears had stopped but there were still remnants on her face. She could feel Ashley watching her from her spot by the oak tree so Spencer avoided her gaze the entire time.
"I know that they never mow this area, but I think ripping out the grass would make it all uneven."
Spencer looked up briefly and saw Ashley smiling at her. Just smiling. It wasn't a sympathetic smile or a pity smile, it was just a smile. The same smile Ashley has been giving her since the first time she sat down in this courtyard.
Spencer managed a weak smile in return. "I-I don't like lo-long grass."
"Yeah, me neither. They itch," she said scrunching up her face. Spencer laughed while still absently picking at the grass. "You should keeping going though, this courtyard is pretty big and there's a lot of grass."
Spencer suddenly felt a thousand times better. The fact that Ashley never even brought up the elephant in the room just made her fall that much in love with her.
"Ugh, I'm such an idiot," Spencer told her room as the memory faded. She honestly didn't mean to snap at Ashley, but she kept four years of constant teasing and being ignored all bottled up and it just happened to come out that night. It also hurt when Ashley said that Spencer didn't know her, because she always felt like she did. She didn't mean it, you just attacked her, and of course she was going to get defensive. Spencer, you're an idiot. She probably thinks you're one too. How can I face her again?
Spencer stayed in her apartment the entire weekend ignoring calls from everybody. Her parents, Casey and Sally, and especially Ashley. She actually turned off her cell phone at one point because she couldn't stand to see Ashley's name popping up on her screen. Spencer was a mess as she lay in her bed still in her pajamas. She had been kicking herself the entire weekend trying to figure out a way to avoid Ashley. Which proved to be extremely difficult considering Ashley worked with Sally and that she and Casey were suppose to be filming the EPK. They were actually scheduled to film another segment today but Spencer was too busy freaking out.
Spencer's landline started to ring and she furrowed her brow in confusion. No one called her on that line except the landlord and all the utility companies. She let it go to the answering machine and then heard Casey's voice filling her living room.
"Spencer Carlin, you fucking turn on your cell phone. I'm so worried about you. What happened? Sally told me Ashley called all upset about what happened on your date. She kept apologizing and asking us to talk to you. What happened? Spencer, pick up your phone or I'm coming over."
The line went dead and Spencer sighed. She had no doubt in her mind that Casey was going to be there in about ten minutes. She was surprised she didn't come over sooner when she wasn't picking up her phone. Spencer really didn't want to relive the whole night with Casey but she knew she had to.
Ashley called Sally all upset? Great, I made her feel bad. None of this is her fault, it's all my stupid insecurities.
Sure enough, Casey came over and Spencer told her everything that happened.
"And I just don't know what to say to her, you know?" Spencer looked at her friend with the saddest look in her eyes. "I don't want her to know how bad it was for me back then, I want her to know how good she made me feel back then, how good she makes me feel now."
Casey looked at Spencer sympathetically. "Then tell her," she said tucking strand of hair behind Spencer's ear. "Tell her how you feel."
Spencer looked down at her hands. "But what if I scared her away already?"
Casey picked up her discarded cell phone and waved it in front of Spencer's face. "She called you like 800 times, I don't think you scared her away. She probably thinks she scared you away."
"You're right," she sighed. "But I don't think I can face her just yet, I think I need some time."
"Alright," Casey said understanding. "I can go film the EPK by myself."
"No, you don't have to do that," Spencer said feeling guilty she's leaving Casey with all the work. "We can reschedule this segment."
"Don't worry about it. I'll film today and you can man the studio. I'll drop off the footage so you can start editing it, okay?"
Spencer conceded with a tired smile. "Okay."
Spencer tried her hardest not to get distracted by her thoughts while she was working. She knew it was going to be hard considering she was going to be editing footage of Ashley but she tried to keep her mind at the task at hand. Casey had dropped off the footage a few hours ago and offered to stay and help but Spencer sent her home. It was after hours now so she was alone in the studio and could work without any interruptions.
She looked through the video files on her computer trying to figure out what to edit first. There were segments with just Ashley, segments with just Sally, segments with them both, and random shots that she was going to intermix with the EPK.
Spencer clicked on one of the most recent clips of Ashley that Casey filmed that day. The video started playing on her editing software. Ashley's pretty face came into view and Spencer unconsciously smiled. She noticed that Casey had chosen to film this particular clip outside. Ashley was sitting cross-legged on a patch of grass and the sun was shining brightly illuminating the natural highlights in her hair.
"So, what are your songs about?" Casey asked from behind the camera.
Ashley looked a little somber in the clip as she answered. "Oh you know the usual, love, lost, friendship, life." She gave a little smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Some of your love songs are really heartfelt and powerful, are they from experience?"
"Funnily enough, no." Ashley grinned but she was looking pass the camera at (what Spencer was assuming) Casey's surprised face. "I know, Sally tells me all her love songs are about you," she teased. "But no, I've never been a real serious relationship."
Really?
"Then where do you get your inspiration from for those songs?"
Ashley looked down at her knees when she answered. "I wrote most of my songs in high school because that's where my muse was."
"Your muse?"
"Yeah." She looked up and squinted at the camera. "In Greek mythology there are nine muses and one of them happened to attend my high school," Ashley said jokingly.
"Oh really? Which one?"
"The muse of song lyric. Her name was Euterpe."
Spencer's heart stopped when she heard this. Euterpe? That's what Ashley called me.
"So Euterpe was in your class?" Casey continued their little jest in the video clip and Spencer hung on to every word.
Ashley had this far away look as she spoke, her focus no longer on the camera. "Yeah, she inspired me every week. Whenever she was around, lyrics and music just flowed right out of me." Ashley seemed to snap out whatever daze she was in and looked at the camera. "I'm sorry, I must sound completely crazy right now."
Spencer heard Casey laugh and the camera shook a little. "No, you're good. This is good for now, I still need to film some of Sally and you together."
"Oh, that's cool." Then the clip went to black.
Spencer just stared blankly at her computer screen trying to digest all that she heard.
I was her muse? She was still staring when she heard a knock from behind her. Can't people read the sign? I knew I should have locked the door. "I'm sorry, but studio hours are over."
"I know, but I was hoping you'd make an exception." Spencer wheeled her chair around so fast that she was surprised she didn't get whiplash. Ashley was standing there looking very uncertain with a bouquet of daisies in her hand.
Yeah, I can make an exception.
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