Chapter 9

The circle of onlookers stared in shocked horror. Spock finally finished his mental surgery, withdrew quickly and stood up. Kirk's body jerked a few times, then remained still. Spock stared impassively at Jim's face, his own completely unreadable. McCoy checked Kirk's pulse and said, "He's alive." Spock turned and walked away, retreating into a corner, where he sat on the floor, and put his face in his hands.

McCoy looked up, his face haggard. "I need a nurse. I can't watch them both at once. Anybody feel like sitting up for a while?"

Uhura volunteered. "I'll watch Spock for you, Doctor."

"Thank you. Don't try to talk to him. Just let me know if he stops breathing. And don't get any closer than you have to. I have no idea what he might do."

McCoy sat down next to Jim and waited for him to regain consciousness. About five minutes later, Kirk groaned, turned over, and curled into a ball.

"Jim, do you want to talk about it?"

"No, but I'd better."

"How do you feel?"

"Got anything for a headache?" with a trace of a smile in his voice.

"No, and you know it. You should have thought of that earlier."

"Wouldn't have made any difference. And you know it." Sobering, "That's not really what you want to know, anyway. I feel like a lost and lonely little boy. I feel absolutely devastated, in the pit of despair. The grief of loss is overwhelming. And I expected all this. But there's something else." He turned to stare at McCoy. "I hate Spock, and he planted that seed of hatred himself."

"Why on earth would he do that?"

Kirk sat up. "Because he calculated that simply removing my connections to him would not be enough to destroy my trust in him. Even the violent way in which he did it wouldn't do the trick. Incidentally, Spock can't be brutal, even when he's trying. His work was excellent, as always, efficient, thorough, and clean. Not at all a Klingon-type, slash and burn job. Anyway, he knew all that would not be enough, because he was merely doing what I told him to do. That was not breaking trust. No, what he did was masterfully done. And he was right about Edith, too. By comparison, the first attempt was amateurish.

"To begin with, he didn't tell me what he was going to do. Second, the seed he chose to plant was hatred for himself - not just distrust, but active hatred. Then, there's the timing. He waits until I've almost passed out from the pain of all the cutting; then he drops this little seed and goes on cutting. I almost missed it, but not quite, and he knows that I know what he did. So, he deceived me, attacked unexpectedly when my defenses were non-existent, and forced on me that which I loathe. The combination produced the effect he planned: I now distrust him, and I do hate him for doing this to me."

"You realize you've been analyzing the whole thing as if you were Spock?"

"That's just a residual effect of his presence in my mind. It's happened before."

"I thought you said he severed all your connections to him. Sounds to me like he created a bunch of new ones in the process."

"In which case, the whole thing was a smokescreen! I'm so mad, I could kill him!"

"That's exactly what he wants you to do - get mad enough to kill him!"

"Bones, I'm scared of the hate. I could so easily feed it, and let it mushroom. It would consume and destroy me, to say nothing of how many others I'd take with me. I don't want to go anywhere near him, but I must."

"Why?"

"Because I have to. The reason we did this is to show the being watching us what I will do in the face of betrayal."

"And what will you do?"

"I don't know, but there's only one way to find out."

"Dear God, help us!"

Kirk looked at him oddly, because it sounded more like a prayer than a curse, but he said nothing more, got up and walked over to Spock. Spock rose from the floor and stood impassively, saying nothing. They gazed into each other's eyes for long moments. Spock saw the hatred in Jim's eyes. He also saw him struggle against it. Not against feeling it, or even letting it show in his face, but against expressing it violently. Jim saw Spock's Vulcan mask of calm, and wanted fiercely to punch his fist right through the mask. The effort to control himself left him visibly shaking. The frozen silence continued. Finally, Kirk spoke, quietly but intensely.

"Why!? Why hate, Spock? Why?"

Spock said nothing.

"You expect me to conquer this!? You risked everything on a gamble that I could do it - Well, you're wrong! I can't. I'm not a Vulcan. It's taking everything I have just to keep from attacking you. And it's not getting any easier the longer I stand here."

Spock still said nothing.

"Spock, say something! This would be easier if you would talk to me."

As soon as Spock opened his mouth, Kirk realized how wrong he was. Spock's words immediately made it a hundred times harder.

"May I offer you the dagger, Captain?"

Kirk watched in fascinated horror as Spock extended the dagger to him in an open hand. As he stared at the dagger, his hatred for Spock intensified. He was infuriated that Spock could so calmly suggest he kill him, after all they had been through together. He was equally incensed that he very much wanted to pick up the dagger and drive it through Spock's heart. (That is, if he could remember where that was.) He was appalled that he could think such thoughts, and appalled that Spock put them there. And he was absolutely furious that Spock knew what he was feeling, and was doing this to him on purpose. He wrenched his eyes away from the dagger and back to Spock's face.

"No! I ... will ... not!"

"You hate me. Why do you not kill me?"

"You can make me hate you, but you cannot make me kill you. You can even make me want to kill you, but you cannot make me do it. I refuse."

Immediately, they and the rest of the crew were transported to the holodeck. Kirk looked around briefly, then turned to Spock.

He spoke quietly. "Why am I not surprised." It was not a question.

Kirk had recognized the last of the bear scenes, where he must save Spock's life, at the risk of his own. Without another word to Spock, Kirk turned to the rest of the crew.

"Apologies, everyone. On your feet. Everybody recognize this one?" Various affirmations. "Places, then."

McCoy wasn't satisfied. "Jim! What about Spock!?"

Kirk replied coldly. "What about him?"

"Don't tell me you're going to pretend nothing's wrong!"

"No, I'm not. But what's wrong is between me and Spock, not the rest of you. Besides, the whole point of this exercise is for the watcher to find out whether I will save Spock's life, or let him die."

"And will you?"

"Why don't you ask Spock? He's got this whole thing planned."

Kirk strode off into the trees, apparently to check on the position of Scotty and Uhura. In reality, he couldn't stand to listen to McCoy, or Spock either. He knew he had precious few minutes to get himself under control. So he paced back and forth under the trees close to the clearing, and everybody left him alone.

McCoy talked quietly to Spock, who just stood, waiting for the bear.

"Well, Spock, do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"The Captain is justifiably angry at being manipulated into a situation he cannot control." Spock was keeping himself rigidly unemotional, but McCoy wasn't fooled.

"I see. And will he save your life?"

"Doctor, you know the answer to that question as well as I."

"Which means, you don't know, but you're going to risk it anyway."

"The term 'risk' implies the ability to choose. Having made the one choice, I no longer have choices to make. Therefore, in the present situation, the concept of risk is irrelevant."

"You have no choice?!"

"It has been demonstrated that we cannot alter the programming of any scene. I think it extremely unlikely that that state of affairs has changed. And now, if you will excuse me, the bear approaches."

McCoy took refuge in the trees on the edge of the clearing, while Spock began circling. Kirk was nowhere in sight, until Spock tripped and fell. Kirk then ran from the edge of the clearing and threw Spock to safety, just as he had so many times before. Sulu and Chekov took out the bear, and they were back in their quarters.

Kirk spoke to each crew member individually, encouraging them to eat something. He himself could not possibly eat; there was too much turmoil in his soul. He came to Spock last. Much to his annoyance, the hatred was no easier to control, but he was determined to be civil.

Breathing slowly, he tried to ease the tension in his jaw, but merely managed to move it to his fists. "I apologize for handling you more roughly than was necessary."

"No apology is needed, Captain. I am uninjured."

"Spock, do you really expect him to let us out of here, or was that another lie?"

Spock paused before answering. "No Captain, that was not a lie."

"But it wasn't the whole truth, either. And you're still not going to tell me what's going on." Spock said nothing. "Spock, what made you think I could conquer this hate?" Another deep, slow breath did little to counter the growing fury.

"Captain, you are controlling it."

"Yes, but for how long? I've already lasted longer than I would've thought possible. But it's exhausting. What happens when I can't fight it anymore?" Spock did not reply. "Spock, there's one question I need an answer to. Assuming we manage to survive this, when it's all over, can you undo what you have done to me?"

"Extremely unlikely. On the order of probability approaching the impossible. To do so would require a mind meld. It is very unlikely that you will be inclined to permit such a thing. However, even if you decide to risk it, it is even more unlikely that I will be in such a condition as to be able to perform the task. It is uncertain whether even a trained Vulcan healer could restore you to wholeness. Once unleashed, hatred takes on a life of its own."

"Are you telling me you did this knowing there was no way out?!"

"Is that not the nature of betrayal?"

Suddenly, Kirk was again overwhelmed with anger and hate. Spock silently watched Kirk fight it into submission. It took several minutes. Kirk realized he could not continue this conversation. He was too exhausted.

"I'm not giving up. There has to be a solution! But right now, I'm too tired. So, wake me in four hours."

Without waiting for a reply, Kirk strode to his bed and lay down. He had no idea if the watcher would let him sleep, or if he would be able to, but he was determined to rest if at all possible. Unfortunately, turning off his mind was not nearly as easy as requiring his body to lie down.

McCoy had overheard Jim's conversation with Spock. "So, are you going to wake him, or are you still looking for ways to prove you can't be trusted?" Spock did not reply. "I wouldn't have believed you capable of torturing Jim like this. You keep pushing him and he's going to break." Still no reply. "Spock, he'll kill you!"

"I would rather die by the hand of James Kirk than other present alternatives."

"Lord, help us! You really are crazy."

"I am in full possession of my mental faculties."

McCoy snorted and moved away. Scotty stopped him on his way to bed.

"Doctor, I know ye're tired, but could ye take jest a moment to clue in the rest o' us aboot what's goin' on?

"I'm sorry, Scotty. There's just not been time. And it's pretty grim." He sighed. "But you've a right to know. Pass this on to the others when you can." He outlined the situation as clearly as he could. Understandably, Scotty was shocked and appalled.

"Lord, have mercy! How is the Captain goin' ta get out o' this one?!"

"I have no idea, but I'm not above praying for a miracle."

"A good idea, Doctor, and thanks fer takin' time ta tell me o' it."

As McCoy turned away, Kirk approached from behind. "Bones, can I talk to you?"

"Jim! I thought you were sleeping."

"I can't sleep. But I remembered something you said earlier."

"Well, it looks like I won't be sleeping for a while yet either. Goodnight, Scotty."

They sat on the floor in front of Kirk's bed.

"Bones, I know you're tired."

"It's okay. I probably couldn't sleep either. What did you want to ask me about?"

"It's really two things. First, I need your medical opinion. Is there any chance Spock is being controlled by the watcher?"

"If you're hoping to excuse his actions that way, I'm afraid it won't work. As far as I can tell, he knows exactly what he's doing and is under no outside influence."

"That's what I thought. I just hoped maybe you had seen something I missed. Okay then, he's doing this on purpose, and he can't tell me why. The question is: What does he want me to do?"

"He wants you to kill him! He intends to keep pushing until you do."

"Maybe, but I don't think so."

"He said he'd rather die by your hand than his other alternatives."

"But the Spock I know would kill himself before he'd let me do it. And you know as well as I do that I can't kill him unless he lets me. But I agree that he intends to keep pushing. I just don't want to find out what's going to happen."

"Jim, do you realize there's no hate in your voice when you talk about Spock?"

"That's because he's not in front of me, and I'm thinking, not feeling. Don't be fooled - it's still there, lurking in the wings, ready to take over my behavior if I give it half a chance. Which reminds me of the other thing I wanted to ask you about: You said something earlier about having a way to get rid of emotional baggage. What were you talking about, and do you think it would work with this?"

McCoy's reply was slow. "Yes... I'm certain it would work; I'm just not certain you would be willing to do it."

"Bones, you are looking at a desperate man. If I don't find some way to deal with this, it's going to destroy me. When I break under the strain - and it's only a question of when, not if - I can only hope that I will manage to kill myself before I kill Spock. And I can't be certain Spock will prevent either outcome. Bones, do you have any idea what it feels like to want to kill your best friend?" He wiped a hand over his face in an attempt to get some control. "No, of course you don't, and I hope you never have to find out. Anyway, I would be willing to do almost anything."

"Jim, can you describe for me what triggers the hate?"

"Well, I told you it was there as soon as I woke up, but it seems to intensify every time I have to face the fact that Spock is doing this to me on purpose. I feel manipulated and that makes me mad. It hurts so bad, I can hardly stand it, and Spock knows how I feel, and he's doing whatever he can to make it worse. So, I hate him because I hate him, and I get into this downward spiral, and the only way out is to force myself to stop thinking and feeling anything until I get it under control."

"Can you imagine being in that place where he's making it worse, and just accepting what he's doing to you without having to fight it? Can you imagine forgiving him while he's doing it, so that you don't even remember how he's hurt you? Can you imagine loving him so much that there's no room for any hate in your soul?"

"I can imagine it, but I can't do it."

"If you could though, would you want to?"

"Absolutely."

"Mind you, I didn't say there'd be any less pain in your soul - might even be more."

"Doesn't matter. Victory over the hate is worth whatever the cost in personal pain."

McCoy stared at him to make sure he meant it before continuing. "There's a couple of other things, though. Are you willing to be thought a fool? And I don't mean just doing something foolish. I mean, being held in contempt by others for a lifetime. What if Sulu thinks you a fool? Or Uhura? What if Spock thinks you're a fool? Are you willing to be an outcast to those closest to you?"

Kirk was silent a moment. "I think I understand what you're getting at. You're saying the solution is so ridiculous, that people will laugh in derision. In fact, that's why you don't want to tell me. You're afraid I'll laugh at you. Bones, I won't laugh, I promise you. This is too serious. And if you have to ask whether I care more about what people think of me than about getting free of this hate, then you don't understand how desperate I am."

"Okay, I understand. However, there's one other thing, and this is the biggy. Are you willing to give up control over your life? The thing about this situation that makes you the most angry is that you are unable to control it. Yet, in order to get free of the hate, you have to be willing to give up control, not only over this situation, but every situation for the rest of your life. Every aspect of your life must be subject to the dictates of someone else. Are you desperate enough to give up control of your life?"

"I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at. Are you saying that if I can just accept Spock's control of this situation, that I won't hate him anymore?"

"No. This isn't about Spock, it's about you. And the person to whom you must give control isn't Spock."

"Now I'm sure I don't get it. You mean, I'm to be some kind of puppet on a string?"

"No. You always have a free choice. It's something like when you joined Starfleet. You did that of your own free will, but once you joined, you were subject to the dictates of the person in authority over you. Only this allegiance is on a whole different level than Starfleet, and mostly there's no conflict between the two. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to be willing to acknowledge that someone else knows better than you do what is best for you, and be willing to do it his way even when you don't understand it."

"Okay, and if I'm willing to do that, you have a way out of this hate?"

"Are you willing?"

"Not until I have a clearer idea who this person is and what he stands for."

"That's fair. The person I'm talking about knew a great deal about hate. He was hated by many people, because of who he was, what he stood for, and what he said to them. He said this about hate: Love your enemies; do good to those that hate you. Don't return evil for evil, but return evil with good."

"That's if somebody hates you; what do you do if you hate someone else?"

"The answer I've been taught is that the source of all hate is a deep, deep hurt. Someone has hurt you badly; in this case, we know who. I get the impression you even think you know why, but that doesn't get rid of it. That medical report I was talking about before all this began has changed my perspective on life, and the answer to such questions as this. The person I'm talking about has the power to cast out hate, fear, and any other sin you can think of." McCoy paused, and took a deep breath. "Have you ever heard of a man named Jesus?"

"Of course. I was raised in a little country church. Are you telling me you believe that Jesus has the power to get rid of this hate?"

"Yes, I do. I was raised in the church, too. All I remember hearing about was hell, sin, and if you lived right, hope for eternal life. When I was a teenager, I got tired of it. It didn't seem to have anything to do with real life, and they were all a bunch of hypocrites anyway. But about a month ago, I came across a medical report I couldn't ignore. It was a well-documented study of a series of miraculous healings. It upset me so much, I called the guy who wrote the report, and he gave me a lot of additional data that proved overwhelmingly that God is still in the miracle-working business. So, I started studying the Scriptures for myself, to see what they really said. I've become convinced that Jesus Christ is Who He says He is, that He did what the Bible says He did, and that His power is available now, for anyone who asks for it. So, the night before we got that priority one call, I gave my life to the Lord. Then, I asked Him what He wanted me to do first, and He said, "Talk to Jim Kirk." I confess I didn't want to, because as you guessed, I figured you'd laugh at me. Maybe if I'd told you about it that night, it would have saved you some grief today."

"I don't think so, Bones. I think your timing is perfect. I doubt I would have listened then. I wasn't desperate, like I am now. So, if you think Jesus can get rid of the hate, I have nothing to lose by trying. What do I have to do?"

"I want to make sure you understand that Jesus is not Someone you can use to get you out of a bind, and then ignore the rest of the time."

"Yes, I understand that. If this works, I'm sold for life. I recognize my life will never be the same again. But if it doesn't work, I'm not going to have much more life to worry about, so I've nothing to lose."

"Tell me a little about your experience with church."

"Probably much like yours. Bible preaching; went to the altar when I was seven; attended Sunday School until I was twelve. Then, Mom quit making me go, and I lost interest. I suppose locked in memory somewhere is a fair amount of biblical teaching. I certainly recognized Scripture, when I heard you quoting it."

"Did you give your life to the Lord when you went to the altar?"

"Well, I remember a lot of people confessing sin that night, in order to get saved. Trouble was, the same people did it again the next year. Only I didn't; I figured once was enough. I don't recall that they talked about giving your life to the Lord. Likely that was assumed, but I don't recall people's lives being changed much."

"The two things I missed all these years were, one, that salvation is free for the asking - nobody earns it by living a good life. And two, that there is power available for right-now living, not just eternal life after you die."

"I'm asking you again, what do I have to do?"

"As far as I can tell from the Scripture, you just ask. He does the rest. We don't need a church, or a preacher; you just talk to Him - right now, if you're sure you want to do this."

"I'm sure. What do I say?"

"You tell Him that you believe He died and rose from the dead to give you life. Tell Him you want Him to be Lord in your life from now on. Tell Him anything you want to say."

"What if I don't know if I believe it? I'll believe it if He takes away the hate."

"From what I've read, in most cases, He requires the belief before you get the miracle. It's like the belief is the key that unlocks the door to His kingdom. You can't enjoy the benefits of the Kingdom, until you decide to believe the Kingdom is real. You choose whether or not to believe."

"If I believe it, and it turns out to be a lie, then I'm a fool."

"Right, and even if it's true, those who don't believe will think you a fool."

"At this point, I don't care if the whole galaxy thinks I'm a fool. If I don't get rid of this hate, I'm going to end up killing myself, and all of you too. So I'm in. I choose to believe."

"Tell it to Jesus."

"Jesus, I choose to believe You're real, that what the Bible says about You is true, that You died and rose from the dead for me. Right now, I'm asking You to be Lord in my life from this point on, for the rest of my life."