Therapy IX: Almost is Still Too Close; Stressors and Triggers.

A/N: Warning for possible triggers. Maura will be discussing her dream, even if it does seem brief.
I still don't own them. College still sucks. You still get updates because I don't sleep.

In honor of Doctor Amy Chapman, I feel it is only fair we do a guess who for her, as well! So, here are some hints: she starred in a prior role on a popular, long running crime show as a lawyer, and the ADA she played was mentioned in The Moment; she has beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair, and at one point was brunette; she does a lot of work for One Kid One World; and last but not least, I chose her because she's a fellow Texan, like Angie, and I feel her personality suited Maura well. Who is Amy Chapman based off of? I'll be waiting to see who gets it! :D

Maura sat in her chair in Amy's office, looking at the stack of papers she had printed off. She thumbed through them, suddenly thinking that this was a bit too much. Why did she think this was a good idea? Why didn't she just tell Amy to her face what was going on? Why did she type it out into twenty five pages at two in the morning? She sighed to herself as she looked up and met Amy's gaze where the blonde haired woman had been staring at her with a calm yet piercing blue gaze for the past five minutes.

"Maura? Do you think you can do this?"

Maura chewed on her lip, looking at the papers again. "I think I have to."

Amy looked at the stack of papers, motioning towards them. "What is that?"

"Everything," Maura answered her honestly. "It's everything that I couldn't get off of my mind last night. That I can't get off my mind ever."

"Do you want to start going through it?"

Maura nodded, "Yes. I do."

"Where do you want to start? Remember, we have tons of time, and if needed, I can arrange for there to be more."

"The dream," Maura told her quietly. "I want to start there."

Amy nodded slowly, knowing that Maura probably wanted to get the hardest things out of the way first. "Go ahead."

Maura flipped into the stack of paper until she found the right page, around page seven, and began to read, her voice soft, barely audible.

"I can feel him all over me. He's everywhere all at once. His hands run over my body, and I feel my skin crawl. It feels as if there is ice stabbing through my skin and entering my system, and I want to scream, but I refuse to. I refuse to let him hear me scream, for him to hear my fear." Maura paused, clearing her throat slightly, her grip on the paper growing tighter. "I feel his breath on my skin. I feel him pushing my skirt up, and I feel ashamed and angry. For letting myself get into this position, and for not being able to get out of it, respectively. I struggle to get away, and he forces me down. I know I don't have enough time. I can hear him telling me it'll be okay as he prepares himself. I feel sick. My brain screams for me to get up and get out of here, but I can't. It's when he hits me, he strikes me and I feel my rage bubble up and I react with my own violence. Afterwards, I try to break free. If I weren't terrified I would know every chemical reaction going through my body, causing me to react. I know it's because my adrenaline has kicked in and led to my fight or flight instinct, which is a psychological and physiological response that dates back to prehistoric times. But in that moment, I can't tell you any of that, because I can't focus. All I can hear is my brain screaming at me to run. And what angers me more is that I got away because a man lost his life. A man died, so I could keep mine. And I feel that should bother me, but I'm alive and well and it doesn't, because I'm safe, even if I am scarred."

Maura finished reading and looked up, waiting to see Amy's reaction. The psychologist was jotting down notes, and when she finished she looked up at Maura, concern in her features.

"Maura, you should not feel guilty for anything that happened. You are alive today because you fought and got free. The fact that someone came along and did a very evil deed does not mean that it's your fault."

"I lived because the man who tried to rape me died."

"You lived because what goes around comes around," Amy told her quietly. "The world works in very strange ways, Maura. But you cannot blame yourself for what happened that night. You didn't know any of that was going to happen. It is not your fault. You feel like a victim, and as a person who craves control, that bothers you, but that is common. You are not at fault, Maura. You did nothing wrong."

Maura stared at the floor, listening to Amy's words. Trying to believe them. The more the woman told her it wasn't her fault, the more she wanted to believe it, but the less she could.

"Did you know I tried to make Jane leave with him?"

"I didn't."

"Well, I did," Maura told the woman watching her intently. "I thought it would be good for her."

"That doesn't mean you deserved this, Maura."

"What if it would have been her?" Maura asked quietly.

"Maura, we will never know the answer to that question. But it wasn't her. And you came out of this okay. He didn't rape you, correct?"

"No. But almost is close enough."

"That's very true. But you were spared something that most women would not have been. This is not your fault. You need to believe that."

"I wish I could."

"Maura, something had to trigger this dream. You haven't been having them for about a month, correct?" Maura nodded. "So what stressor led to this?"

Maura thought for a moment before asking, "Could it be anything at all?"

"It could, but it would most likely be something pertaining to the incident itself. An incident with a person directly involved or.." Amy's voice trailed off as she watched Maura blush. She softened her tone as she asked, "What happened with Jane?"

"We had a huge another argument a few days ago," Maura told her. "I gave her the key to her apartment back and we basically haven't spoken at all unless it is work related."

"What happened?"

"We just…blew up at each other. She was an ass. I was an ass. It just... it wasn't pretty."

"How did that work out?"

"Before I called you last night, I called Jane out of reflex. She's always who I go to when something is wrong."

"Did she answer?"

"I hung up before she could."

"Did she call back?"

"She called her mom and asked Angela to check on me since she knew I wouldn't want her there."

"And?"

"And Angela did," Maura stated, confused.

"No, did you want her there?"

"In that moment, that was honestly all I wanted," Maura whispered, almost ashamed at herself for wanting someone who she should have hated at that moment, and even now.

"Do you think Jane would have wanted to be there?"

"She came to my house."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Maura told her softly, smiling sadly. "She apologized. For everything. She wants to try and fix things."

Amy took Maura in and could see the woman before her was torn.

"Maura, I realize that you are hurt because of what Jane did to you, and your reaction is justified in every way. But, has separating yourself from her hurt you, or helped you?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"It's hurt me worse than most things have in my life."

"Jane came to your house, willingly, after you called her, knowing that there was a chance, a strong chance, that you wouldn't see her. In Jane''s own way, I think she's trying."

"We met for coffee this morning."

"Did it go smoothly?"

"It did."

"Did you talk?"

"We did," Maura told her before recounting the morning's events.

Maura sat at the table, waiting on Jane. She stirred the coffee in front of her slowly, lost in thought. She hoped she and Jane could fix things. She really did. She missed Jane, and even though she hated the thought of Jane marrying Casey, if that happened, Maura needed to be able to live with Jane in her life, so this was where she was going to start. She was so lost in thought she didn't notice Jane approach the table and sit down across from her, a cup of coffee between her hands.

"Good morning," she greeted softly.

Maura looked up at Jane, startled at first, and then smiled softly, almost nervously.

"Good morning."

"Did you get any sleep?"

"No," Maura told her truthfully.

"Me neither," Jane answered, looking at the cup in front of her. "Maura, I meant what I said last night," Jane continued softly. "I really am sorry. I can never take back what I said to you. Ever. But I can try every day to make it up to you. I was…a bitch. A cold, heartless bitch. And I shouldn't have treated you that way." Jane hesitated before adding softly, "And I meant what I said when I told you that you were right."

"About?"

"I can't say that I feel nothing," Jane told her softly. "Because that would be a lie. And I am so tired of lying."

Maura took Jane in, observing how the brunette fidgeted in her seat. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that," Jane sighed. "I mean that.. Maura, I've been seeing a psychologist for around two months or so now," Jane confessed. "I've been seeing him to try and figure things out. Settle some demons, find some peace, and figure myself out."

"Is it working?"

"A little too well," Jane said, laughing half-heartedly. "But he told me during one of my appointments, after I had disclosed some things to him, that until Casey comes home, I am to reevaluate what I picture my wedding day being."

"Oh," Maura murmured, confused.

"He told me to picture who each person was. And," Jane paused, looking up at Maura weakly, "I can't picture my groom anymore."

Maura stared at Jane, shocked. "You..what?"

"I can't picture who I'm marrying anymore," Jane confirmed, spinning the coffee in front of her between her hands. "When I started doing this, I could picture it perfectly. You as my maid of honor, Ma and Pa there, Casey waiting for me at the end of the aisle, but for the last few weeks, I just.. I can't anymore."

"Why the last few weeks?"

"Because for weeks now we have been basically each other's worst enemy, and that means that you haven't been in my life. I've been treating you like shit because I want to be mad at you. I want to be so angry with you over what you've said. But I can't be."

"Why?"

"Because you're right," Jane told her friend truthfully. "When Casey waltzed back into my life, when he proposed to me, I jumped on it, not taking into consideration the fact that he comes and goes as he pleases, expecting me to just be here when he gets back. Part of me hates the person I become when he's around. I thought it was just because I loved him. But, how can I love someone I never see anymore?" Jane asked softly, more to herself than the good doctor in front of her. "You were right about everything, and I wanted to hate you for it, but I couldn't and I can't."

Maura brushed her thumb over the lid of the coffee cup in her hands, suddenly very interested in the cardboard material. "So where do we go from here?"

"If you're willing to," Jane began, now messing with the scar in the palm of her hand. "I would like to try to get back to us. I know," Jane started, holding her hand up, "That as long as I maintain my engagement and stay with Casey, it won't be exactly the same. And I understand that. But I want us to at least try to be friends again, Maura. I want to work out together and eat lunch together and irritate the hell out of you while you do an autopsy and drag you around with me to interrogate people even though there is no reason for you to be there," Jane told Maura, smiling softly. "I want to fix this."

Maura considered Jane's words. She looked at Jane, and she could see the sincerity in dark eyes. She could see the hurt and the pleading and the honesty and she wanted to go through with this, but first she needed to hear Jane say something.

"Under one condition."

"Anything."

"I need to know why you won't put faith in me and trust me," Maura told her.

"I do trust you," Jane argued.

"No, you don't. Not like you used to and definitely not in the way I'm talking about."

Jane fidgeted in her chair, suddenly realizing what Maura meant. "You want to know why I never told you how I felt about you. Even if it was just…the tiniest of feelings."

Maura nodded. "Yes, I do."

Jane sighed, running her fingers through wild, unruly hair. "Because I don't trust myself." Jane told her. "I don't trust myself to make this decision whole heartedly, because I still feel so torn. I will always love Casey in some way," she said, smiling sadly, "But while I'm with Casey, I still lo-"Jane cut herself off, blushing as she finished with, "feel something for you."

"Don't you think that's potentially problematic for a marriage?"

"I do. Which is why," Jane chewed on her lip, "Which is why I plan on talking to Casey when he gets back. I need to talk to him. To tell him what's going on. Because it isn't fair to either of you."

Maura looked Jane over, still skeptical.

"Jane, what brought on this sudden change?"

"It isn't sudden," Jane told her quietly. "I have wanted to do this since you left me sitting in your office three days ago after chewing my ass out and making me see that I was, am, being a dick."

"Why didn't you say something before last night?"

"Because you needed time. So did I."

Maura sighed, shaking her head slightly. "Jane, do you think we can fix this?"

"I do."

"Why?"

Jane looked into her eyes. "Because I refuse to just let this end like this," she said firmly. "I refuse to be a complete asshole and push you out of my life because I can't handle my shit. I refuse to keep hurting you and trying to pretend I don't care."

Maura saw the truth in Jane's eyes and despite the part of her screaming not to listen, she smiled softly and said, "Okay. But," she said, pointing her finger at Jane. "This is your last chance. There are no more after this."

Jane nodded, "I know. And I hope I don't need another one."

Amy listened to Maura finish retelling the story and sat there, watching the other blonde.

"Do you think she means it?"

Maura shrugged slightly. "She seemed to."

"So that's it?"

"No, that isn't 'it,'" Maura told her. "If I want to fix things, I have to put some faith in her at some point."

"And if she doesn't put any in you?"

"Then that's it. I'm done."

"Do you think she understands that?"

"I guess we'll see."

"Maura, this sudden change bothers me."

"You know," Maura told Amy, twiddling her thumbs. "At one point, it would have bothered me, too."

"What changed?"

"I realized that sometimes, you have to trust people, regardless of their prior record."

"And that stands with Jane?"

"Yes."

"And if she hurts you again?"

"Then I guess cold, seething Maura comes back. Look, I'm still going to try and help myself. I've been on a few dates actually, in the last couple weeks. But Jane, she's always going to be someone I want in my life."

"Do you think she wants you in hers?"

"From what I've learned about Jane, she wouldn't have some to me if she didn't."

"I hope this works out," Amy told her, concerned.

"Yeah," Maura murmured, "me too."

A/N: The road to Rizzles recovery has begun. Which means, yes, we are getting close to Rizzles. Close enough I can taste it. I don't think there will be too much more of this one, guys. But, you know, once there's a Rizzles ending, there would always be a sequel…. But it isn't time for that yet. Not quiiiiite yet.