AN: Ok, people, it took me too long to update this, due to some problems. But now I'm here and I hope you'll like this!
--
It had always bothered him-images of women in bikinis and some half naked men that Eiri had been keeping in his phone and as a desktop background. It had always been making questions in his head-had he been good looking enough for the writer or the writer had had some secret desires .Sure he had never had such great abs and all, and he couldn't have been compared to any of those women. And he had been jealous of those images.
Shuichi was recalling Eiri's promises that he'd delete them. But he had never wanted to delete them in front of the singer. So Shuichi had known that Eiri had never even thought about deleting them.
So he had decided to do the same. Yet it had never bothered Eiri. He had been all in that 'whatever' phase.
Shuichi could still feel that taste in his mouth, so bitter like gall. It was burning him like acid, the fact that Eiri might had been imagining those people while he had been sleeping with him, kissing him, touching him…
That was the smallest problem of all and the biggest was alcoholism.
He was recalling all of that while observing himself in the bathroom mirror, almost ready for their final encounter. Maybe it had never been true love. It had always been something unrequited.
Shuichi had always been somewhat old-fashioned, always believed that he'd be one and only to somebody and vice versa. Too bad the times had changed.
He sighed heavily, looking at his own reflection, at those sad eyes, bags under them. He looked pathetic and he couldn't help it.
Closing the door behind, once when he managed to look away from that pathetic sight, he grabbed Hiro's car keys and exited the apartment.
--
As he was driving, he was trying to remember as much reasons as he could, why he should leave Eiri to rot in past for good.
One of the reasons was that every time Shuichi had phoned him, or even when Eiri had phoned Shuichi, Eiri would have hung up very fast, with those words :"Yeah, yeah, bye." just like that, every time Shuichi had wanted to tell him something nice or to ask to be told something as a gesture of love. Even if it had been just one short phone call, containing:"I won't be home, dunno when I'm gonna come back, baka", when Eiri would have been on some trip around Japan to promote his newest book, or:"I'll leave recording for today immediately, Yuki! I will be there to make you lunch" the sentence Shuichi had been saying for years, Shuichi had wanted something nice to be added. No matter how short and stupid the conversation had been, he had always wanted something to be told out of love. And that simply had never happened, because Eiri would have cut him off after thirty seconds.
No matter how much he had been trying to please his lover, it remained unrequited.
"One sided love" Shuichi whispered, "I must stop this."
He parked the car in front of the one of the most sophisticated restaurants in town.
He was wearing black suit and black shirt, with first two buttons unbuttoned.
His pink hair wasn't messy anymore, and at the first sight, you couldn't say that he was a famous rock star. He was looking more like somebody untouchable, distant.
Although he was a guy, he was having many questions in his head, many reasons to think about, and many tears to cry. For that was what he was- philosophical man, the man of moral, the man of ethics.
He was such a rarity among the men. And Yuki had won a jackpot. Too shame he didn't have balls to keep it.
--
Before he entered, he was trying to collect his courage once more, to set the unbreakable walls, to forget his fear and that tormenting pain in his stomach.
He sighed and one of the staff opened the door before him.
The restaurant was something amazing, with beautiful white walls full of beautiful paintings, sandalwood tables and chairs and beautifully decorated ceiling. The restaurant had the beautiful view of the lake, which was brightly sparkling under the moonlight.
It was the favorite restaurant of Yuki Eiri. They had never gotten out together there, and it was inevitable to think that Yuki had considered that Shuichi hadn't been worthy of going there with the novelist.
Another bitter memory that made Shuichi sigh for the thousandth time that evening.
It was eight o'clock sharp and he was there in time.
The waiter politely directed him to the table where the writer was waiting.
The entire sight seemed so intoxicating, and Shuichi found that he couldn't walk any further, or even breathe. Because he still loved the writer so much that he could do nothing else but to stare at him in awe.
The waiter coughed and Shuichi gave him the tip, weakly smiling.
He hated those formalities. He has always been afraid of giving too much or too little money to the staff at hotels and restaurants. He was all hyper, but he was one sophisticated man, now when he was famous and all. He had to keep the reputation.
This time, it turned out to be good; he gave enough money to the young man next to him.
The waiter smiled and thanked.
Then Shuichi clenched his fists and approached Yuki's table. The writer looked like his spirit was somewhere else, miles away.
"Ehm…" Shuichi coughed as he sat opposite the blonde beauty.
Eiri was all in black, and he looked a bit like a groom.
'We should go straight to the altar' thought Shuichi, and he laughed at that mentally. Such an irony with multiple levels.
Firs of all, he didn't know if the Japanese law was even allowing that kind of marriages.
The second irony was he was there to tell Eiri to stay away from him, to give to both of them chance to forget. They would hardly reach the altar at that point. And it was so bitter in his mouth while he was thinking about that. Because deep inside he wanted to be with Eiri. That was something he wanted the most. Yuki had always been the singer's obsession.
But he had to move on in order to keep his sanity.
Eiri looked at him with those golden narrow eyes, nodding his greeting.
Shuichi nodded back.
"I see, you already ordered." he said and the tone of his voice was something that surprised the writer very much.
The tone of Shuichi's voice was so formal. And the singer's face looked so distant and cold.
"It's lobster in special sauce. You should order it yourself. It's really tasty."
Too many words to be told in five seconds.
That indicated to nervousness. Shuichi raised an eyebrow in surprise, but he said nothing about that.
"I'll have just wine." he retorted coldly. God knew how hard was to pretend cold when his entire being wanted to jump into Eiri's arms and kiss him endlessly.
--
Eiri ate in silence and Shuichi decided to follow his example. He was taking small sips of his expensive wine, a few decades old.
Nether of them had courage to say a thing and their speeches were quite different.
It looked like reversed roles because Yuki wanted to say something like: "Please come back to me, I'll do whatever you want. I'm so lost without you." Well, not literary. If Eiri told something like that, it would probably kill him.
And Shuichi would say something like this: "Leave me alone for good, you nuisance." Once again, not literary. Because he could never be so rude.
They were staring at each other, unable to say a thing.
The only thing Shuichi could hear was his own heart, which was near to explode from anxiety.
"Look, Shuichi…" Eiri finally collected courage to speak.
The pink haired man was looking at him with his full attention, seeming completely hypnotized.
Eiri knew for the fact that everything he was doing, he was doing for love.
There were good memories as well, no matter their number was much lower than the number of the good ones.
For example, there was the moment when he had been at one party without Shuichi, and one pretty ugly guy was hitting on him. And yes, he had been in the mood to cheat on the singer, but when he had remembered those loving eyes and the feeling of love within himself, he gave up on it. Why ruining something that had always been perfect?
He had had the boyfriend to wait for him at home and he had had the boyfriend to wait for when he comes back from the tour.
So he had just excused himself politely to the man, telling openly that he had had the boyfriend and he had openly said that he loved him more than anything in the world. Just to let the guy know that he would have never cheated on somebody so perfect. He had described his feelings for Shuichi as adoration.
The guy had understood, but still, he wanted a shot. And Eiri had been so generous. He had given him his cell phone number, but he had never answered the guy's calls. Eventually, he had changed his number. The problem had been solved, and he hadn't found himself exaggerating when telling that he had adored the pink haired man.
That was a year ago. And he was still remembering.
"I have always been keeping my zipper closed." he said all of a sudden. It was something that neither him nor Shuichi expected. Those were not some big words that would go into history or something.
It was just the simplest way to say: "I've been faithful to you since always." Yet this was something original. This was something good. To say something like that in a sophisticated place like this. And he didn't care people around him were curiously looking at their table.
He swallowed and continued.
"I mean opened only for you." he corrected himself.
Shuichi slightly smiled.
"For one popular and talented novelist, you could have thought of something better to say."
Eiri didn't pay attention to that remark. He didn't care. The world around him stopped existing from the moment Shuichi sat at the table.
"What do you want me to say? It was my fault, I admit."
Shuichi sighed.
"I really don't know what to expect from you anymore. I guess we told each other all we had to tell."
It was the saddest fact. But Eiri wanted him back.
"All I'm asking is another chance."
"There had been too many of them. Do you remember that time you punched me?"
There was the moment of awkward silence.
How could he forget?
"I was drunk." he said in the end.
"All of our problems are based on your alcoholism." Shuichi said seriously.
"I know. But I want to change this time."
"You've been telling me that since the beginning. But the things had never changed." Shuichi's eyes were full of tears, yet he looked so graceful at that moment, ready to finish his mission successfully.
His dignity didn't matter anymore. All he could tell to himself was: "What dignity? Do I have that?"
It didn't matter. He had lost everything.
"Just listen to me…"
"I can't" Shuichi bowed his head, "Because we both know very well that the things will never change. I've been waiting for you to open up, to stop screwing up everything. I've been waiting for you from your trips. I've been there to help you get through your hangovers; I've been waiting for you to respect me, to realize that I can't take that much pressure anymore. But you never cared." Shuichi looked at him. It was not something original to be said, but it hurt like hell.
"Shu…" and the entire world was crashing before his terrified amber eyes. The words of denial were getting to his ears and he could have sworn that he's gonna get def. For every his bullshit turned into his greatest punishment.
"All I've been doing is to wait for you…endlessly, hopelessly…" Shuichi cut him off, "And all of that for nothing." he was trying to sound calm, but his voice was shaking and his lips curved. He was about to cry. But no, he wouldn't allow himself that luxury. No, not this time.
He stood up gracefully, looking at his former lover. "Don't contact me anymore and don't come to me." he whispered and turned to leave.
The blonde's eyes were still staring at the spot where his Shuichi just had been standing, unable to comprehend what has just happened.
And then, something hit him hard.
'Denied' was all he could think at the moment.
--
TBC…