Chapter 10 Eulogy

Memory rushes in, then washes you away

I am losing you to the sea

I'll break from the weight of my mind,

but your ghost I will gladly bear

and with all your grief in my arms I will labor by singing light

I'll keep my lanterns lit

I'll keep my lanterns lit

If you had a single fall,

You just could not last forever could you?

You just could not last for me

Lanterns Lit—Son Lux

Bruce had traveled Yggdrasil enough to know that Loki wasn't returning from this death, but when Steve asked for help in carrying Loki's body back to Asgard, he offered his services, knowing that Steve was hoping that Loki would somehow come back to them. (To Steve, but Bruce didn't say it.)

So they made a litter from the remnants of the wrecked ships and carried the god between them over the Bitfrost and back to Asgard, and they laid him to rest in the Hall of Waiting, and Steve stood vigil.

Some of the gods awoke, and some never did, and a massive funeral was held for Odin when Heimdall announced the All-father had passed into a sleep from which he would never wake. They set his body in a boat, his wife beside him, and packed with all the worldly goods they would need to see them through the afterlife, and once it had been loosed from its moors, Balder had shot a flaming arrow into the air, and when it landed it true, the ship had erupted in a brilliant glow. They had watched the burning vessel float down the river in the night, and when it was gone, they'd returned to The Hall of Asgard and feasted.

But still Steve waited at Loki's side, until the day Balder rested a heavy hand on the captain's shoulder. Bruce was there to see Steve look up, and all the veracity was gone from his startling blue eyes, and Bruce knew Steve knew what Balder had come for. And of all the things Bruce had witnessed in his life, he was sure he'd never seen such sorrow and despair, and he knew his captain had broken.

Balder helped Steve build the funeral pyre, and the whole team joined in, adding sticks and logs from the dying forest of Yggdrasil to help light the pyre. They all said something about the god, about his bravery in his last battle, about his difficulties in life, but all Steve said was,

"He was my friend, and I miss him."

The captain lit the pyre, and the wood took only incrementally, until the whole thing was afire and Loki burned.

Silver tears streamed down Steve's face, and his shoulders shook in silent sobs. He remained long after the fire had burned, and the team did not leave his side. When the embers had cooled, the captain grabbed Loki's charred skull. Looking at the Avengers hollowly, he marched across the newly green fields, silver under the full moon and to the forest of Yggdrasil.

Wordlessly, the team gathered the rest of the burned skeleton and followed the footsteps of their captain. And when they'd arrived at the foot of the World Tree, their captain had already dug a hole with only his hands, and they placed the bones within it, Loki's skull resting on the top.

"I've got the rest handled," Steve told them.

"Are you sure?" Clint said, but Natasha grabbed his wrist and shook her head.

The team left the forest, a string of lanterns against the dark, leaving Steve alone with the last remnants of Loki.

0o0o0o0o0o

Long after his friends had left for Asgard, Steve remained by Loki's side. He hoped that the god—his best friend—would return to him the way Steve had once done.

But the trilling of the night insects gave way to the warbling of the earliest birds, and when first light pierced through the boughs of Yggdrasil, shining bright on Loki's skull, Steve knew his friend would not be returning to him.

His eyes blurred by tears, he began scooping the dirt onto Loki's bones. His heart shattered when the first handful fell over Loki's skull. It stared back at him with soulless eyes, and Steve had to stop. Sobs wracked his body, and he sunk onto his knees beside the grave and wept.

"I'm sorry," he said, when the sun was at its zenith and he made himself begin scooping fresh dirt onto the skeleton once more. "I couldn't bring you back."

"I'm sorry," he said, when the last of the bones had been covered. "You were my best friend, and I thought you'd betrayed me."

"I'm sorry," he said when the grave was a mound and stones piled on top and his hands were scraped raw. "Because you are not beside me, and I don't know what to do without you."

And when the spring sun had finished it's bright arc across the sky and settled in the West, he returned to Asgard. Carrying the crown he'd been awarded, he placed it on Balder's brow.

"You carry it better than I ever did," he told Odin's eldest, and he turned to go.

"Wait—" Balder began, and Steve turned to regard the god with empty eyes. "Thank you. For everything."

"I don't deserve your thanks," Steve said. "If not for me, your family would be alive."

"No, Captain Steve Rogers, if not for you, we'd be trapped until the day we died. My brother knew this, and his death and your sacrifice set us free."

Steve nodded before turning to find his team, and he couldn't help but think none of it was worth it.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Steve told Thor, upon his awakening and his loud demands, what had happened during his sickness.

When the thunder god learned of the death of his parents and his brother, he'd grown silent. Great tears rolled from his face, and Steve cried with him.

But there was nothing cathartic in their sorrow, and when they slept that evening, they both did so with the knowledge that dreams were their only escape from reality. And if they'd slept longer than their team expected, caught in the happy trails of what-if's and once-had-beens, none had found it necessary to wake them.

In the morning, Steve prepared breakfast. If the eggs were rubbery and the bacon overcooked, nobody mentioned it.

0o0o0o0o0o

When Hel had grown well, she did something she'd never done before. Several weeks after Loki's funeral, when the grief was fresh in the captain's heart, she made the trip to Midgard and found Steve in Bennington, Vermont. A barely touched chai sat before him, and Hel pulled it towards her as she settled down. Steve looked at her with dull eyes; any surprised he may have held had died with Loki.

"You never showed," he said, relinquishing his mug willingly. She knew it was too sweet by half for the human, but that he'd ordered it anyway to remind himself of his bonded. She pushed forward the white porcelain mug of Early Gray she'd ordered, and he cupped his hands around it.

"No," she said. "I never did."

"Why?" He asked.

"A war is coming," she said. "You can't lose sight of it. But my dead will never be part of it."

"Why?" He pressed, but there was none of the passion she'd come to expect of the human, and her heart was sadder for it.

"Because you were right, Steve Rogers, about everything," she said. Before he could ask any questions, she pushed something across the table to him.

"You need this more than I do," she said, relinquishing the bone she'd held for so long.

Steve took it, and the bone dissolved into his hand, and his eyes grew distant as he relieved the memory he'd forgotten. And when he was done, his eyes were wet and he heaved a shuddering breath, and Hel wondered if she'd done him ill.

"Please," he whispered, "just leave me alone."

She nodded and stood. There was nothing in the world she could offer to relieve his sorrow, and she'd been erroneous to assume a bright memory from when he was five would soothe his wounds.

Before she turned to go, she settled a hand over his. The dull blue eyes that met hers were not the bright blue she'd become familiar with after a hundred thousand times of living his single day of happiness, and she couldn't help but think she was at fault. If she'd sent her dead to fight on his side, they may have won.

But she didn't think it would have made a difference, and she didn't think that telling Steve that Loki had died well and in honor would soothe the pain of his death, so she said nothing at all.

Ignoring the hand Steve cast across his eyes to hide his sorrow, she returned to her realm of the dead, where everyone was despairing, and she'd never known anything different.

END

A/N: I had a planned installment to finish up the series, but after debating with my wondrous and awesome editor, Val, I've decided not to do it. The story ends well here, and the last arc was something of a happy ending. BUT-this story has always struggled for readers and there's a lot of heartache involved spending this much time on something and having it so vastly underread. I may go back and reedit the last arc (it's written, but needs major work) one of these days, but I'm applying for PA school and busy with several jobs besides, and I have things to work on besides this story. My heart just isn't in it anymore.

For those of you who stayed around-thanks for all your love and comments. They meant the world to me.