A Bit of a Dog's Breakfast

Disclaimer: I could do with the money, but make none from writing this.

"Snobby cow," Sirius grumbled as he shoved through the crowd of younger students waiting outside the Potions classroom. "Sallope!"

James jumped up from the bench where he had been waiting for his friend. "How'd you get on?"

"She told me to go away and grow up," Sirius griped. "After I saw her in the grounds the other day hugging and kissing that oversized oaf, Hagrid, I thought she might be up for something with a good looking bloke. I fancied a bit of French action, but she wasn't interested."

"I told you she was a bitch, didn't I?"

"You were right, Prongs," Black agreed. "She said I should go and enjoy the friends I have, whilst I have them. As if a popular guy like me could lose friends. The stupid, French tart has no idea what she's talking about."

"Forget it, Sirius. Let's go into Hogsmeade tomorrow and find you a willing wench. Someone you can love and leave without a care in the world, like you usually do, Lothario."

"That's another thing; she said I'd have to face up to my responsibilities eventually. Pfft. What is she on?"

The pair failed to notice Snape where he skulked in a nearby alcove, eavesdropping on their conversation. He had been doing much the same when he saw Mademoiselle Bien-Aimée and Rubeus Hagrid outside the groundskeeper's hut several days prior, just as Sirius described.

When Hagrid came for her in the classroom, Snape was too slow-witted to follow them straight away. Running to catch up, he spotted them entering the Forbidden Forest close to Hagrid's cabin, but was unable to trail them. Instead, he concealed himself in the overgrown garden and waited.

His joints were stiff, and he was cold by the time he heard someone approach. In the gloaming he could not easily discern faces, but it was obvious from the lumbering, heavy-footed gait, Hagrid was heading home. Behind Hagrid was a smaller, more nimble, feminine figure, and between them was the unmistakeable silhouette of the headmaster. The trio were deep in conversation. Intrigued, Severus crept closer as they stopped outside the cabin's door.

"I'm right sorry, Perfessor Dumbledore, sir. He was jus' bein' playful."

"Maybe so, my dear Hagrid, but Aragog is a full grown Acromantula now."

"He was only nippin' the unicorn, sir."

"His bite is extremely poisonous."

Hagrid hung his head. Hands clasped behind his back, he rubbed the toe of his enormous boot back and forth in the dirt.

"The unicorn'll be okay, won't 'e?"

"Thanks only to Charmaine's expertise."

"Aye. She's brilliant, is our lass."

Dumbledore rested a hand briefly on the large man's arm. "I have students to attend to. You're job is to look after the magical animals in our forest, Hagrid. Please take better care of them."

With that, he strode towards the castle, leaving Hagrid and Charmaine on the doorstep of the hut.

A loud, wet sniff was followed by a thunderous trumpet of nose blowing.

"Aragog never would have meant to hurt the unicorn."

"I know, Hagrid," agreed the witch, patting the giant's hand which did not hold the grubby handkerchief. Climbing up onto the porch brought her to the right height to put her arms around his thick neck for a fierce hug. She placed a soft kiss on his forehead before releasing him, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the house. "Come on, you great lummox, we have things to do."

Severus watched as they entered Hagrid's hut. Certain they would be gone for some time, he eased himself out of his hiding spot, catching a fleeting glimpse of a figure in the twilight shadows some distance beyond the hut as it scurried away towards the school.

As quietly as he could, he tiptoed to the door of the cabin, wincing when the old boards creaked a little under his weight. He bent to peer through the keyhole.

"Ow!"

With a resounding thwack, his nose smacked hard against the wooden door as a heavy hand descended on the back of his neck.

"Gotcha!"

Hagrid lifted Snape off his feet by the collar of his robes, shoved open the cabin door and thrust him inside, where the boy staggered and fell sprawling on the dusty floor.
"I caught this one snoopin' outside," said Hagrid, looming over the prostrate body, his fists on his hips, beard jutting and bristling. Snape glared up from the floor, but refused to cower.

"Ḉa suffit. Play nice, boys! Monsieur Snape, I will have to take points from Slytherin. Ten points for being out of bounds, five for spying and ten for getting caught." Charmaine laughed.

Nudging the half-giant aside with her hip, she held out a hand to haul Severus to his feet. "Hagrid, this young man is Severus Snape. He'll make a brilliant spy one day."

Hagrid raised a shaggy eyebrow inquiringly. "This greasy, wee git? Ye're sure?"

"Sure. Trust me."

Hagrid's lips pursed, and his beard wriggled before his face cracked into a broad smile. He cuffed Severus playfully, nearly knocking the slender boy off his feet. "Get away! This wee, beige jobby?"

Snape scowled darkly.

"Severus has a lot to learn, but in time he will be one of the best," assured Charmaine.

Hagrid shook his head. "I dunno how ye know half this stuff, Miss Charmaine."

"Insider knowledge, mon ami. I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you, and that would mean no more tea and rock cakes." She grinned.

"Well then, I'll go and make tea, whilst the two of ye make yerselves comfy."

As Hagrid stomped around in his kitchen, Charmaine grabbed Severus, hissing conspiratorially in his ear. "Quick. I'll teach you a spell I learned years ago, which shrinks and softens Hagrid's cakes enough to make them edible."

Snape quirked an eyebrow. "I thought you only came to Hogwarts this year."

"No... Yes... Look, do you value your teeth or not? Just follow my lead with the wand-work. If all else fails, discreetly feed the rock cakes to the dog."

Severus looked around him. "I don't see a dog."

"You'd better learn this spell pronto then."

Hagrid carried in a laden tray, banged it down on the table and collapsed into his armchair. "I dunno if I can go back to the unicorn tonight, 'Mainie. I'm worn out after chasing off Aragog." His jaw cracked as it dropped in a cavernous yawn.

"We managed to stabilise him earlier, Hagrid, but I still have to finish the poisons work."

Picking up a cake from the mountainous pile, the huge man squeezed it between his sturdy fingers and sniffed it suspiciously, muttering, "Something wrong with the mixture today, I reckon."

Severus smirked, then choked on an unexpected lump in his tea.

"I'll have to go back to the unicorn myself," said Charmaine, raising her voice to be heard over the convulsive hacking.

Hagrid slapped Snape on the back, nearly knocking him off his chair. "Ye could take this young whelp to help ye."
"Good idea. Then I can make sure he returns to the castle before curfew, so he doesn't lose any more house points. Au revoir, mon ami." Giving Hagrid a quick hug and a kiss on each cheek, she indicated for Severus to follow her out into the darkening evening.

Snape stuck close behind her as she walked briskly to the edge of the Forbidden Forest before plunging straight into the threatening wood. A shudder ran through him as he stepped into the murk below the forest's canopy. Leading the way, Charmaine wended, seemingly at random, through the trees. Severus blundered in the half-dark at her heels, trying to keep up. When she stopped abruptly, he stumbled into her, knocking her forwards into a silver-lit clearing. She gestured for him to stay where he was.

Kneeling reverently on the soft moss of the forest floor, she whispered to the prostrate animal that Severus could now see over the top of her head. She edged her way closer, creeping forwards on her knees until she could reach out a gentling hand and stroke the quivering muzzle. With her free hand, she beckoned for Severus. He dropped to his knees, following her example and crawled forwards, all the time gazing in awe at the unicorn. Charmaine indicated for him to stop alongside her. Turning slightly and without stopping her gentle caressing of the unicorn with one hand, she crooked a finger at him, drawing him closer to her.

Her lips brushed against his ear as she whispered huskily. "Undo my cloak, Severus."

His eyes widened, his breath caught and his heart lurched. He looked at her questioningly.

She frowned.

"Take off my cloak and spread it on the ground, so I can lay my potions and equipment on it," she murmured.

Snape did as she asked. Then he removed his own cloak and laid it gently around her slim shoulders, protecting her from the encroaching chill. She looked up at him with her beautiful doe-eyes, mouthing a thank you before she turned back to her task.

Charmaine maintained her soothing physical contact with the unicorn, all the while whispering encouragement to the animal and quietly advising Severus.

"This is my real skill, Severus. I am a Poisons mistress, specialising in poisons and venoms, their uses and their cures. When I left school I studied under a Poisons master in Marseilles. We sometimes use poisons to cure, which makes this dangerous work. Please follow my instructions exactly."

Rolling up his shirt sleeves, Snape mixed ingredients, faultlessly, according to her directions. With trembling hands, he applied poultices to long welts on the unicorn's flank. They worked side by side for some time, and his hands steadied as his anxiety subsided.

Gently and confidently, he cleaned deep, silver-stained wounds on the unicorn's neck. The healing potion sizzled and fumed as he applied it. Severus winced as the animal whinnied, flattened its ears and curled its lip. Replying soft whickers echoed around the glade from unseen unicorns.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," whispered Severus. "I only want to help." His chin trembled, and his hands shook again.

Charmaine nodded encouragement and laid a steadying hand over his. "Go round to his head, and talk to him whilst I finish the spell-work."

Crawling to the injured animal's head, Severus laid calming hands on the lustrous neck. Not knowing exactly what to do, he leant in and crooned reassuringly into a twitching, hairy ear.

"I've no idea what to say to a unicorn," he admitted quietly. "I always found the notion of a big horse with a horn on its forehead a bit freaky, but I have never seen such a sublime being, and I will be most aggrieved if you don't get better after all the work Charmaine and I have done tonight. Just look at her wand-work."

Magic swirled and pulsed around the petite witch as her wand wove intricate patterns over the unicorn. Awestruck, Severus kept whispering in the unicorn's ear as he watched the amazing woman working.

"Merlin, she's stunning. I wish she would work that kind of magic with me," he breathed.

An equine snort at close quarters startled him. Glancing at the unicorn, he saw its eye rolling, as a quiet snicker riffled his hair. "Bloody Nora, you can understand me, can't you?" he whispered. The unicorn rolled its eyes again and whuffed a breath through velvety nostrils.

When Charmaine finished, she stood back, nodding to Severus.

"Can you get up?" Severus asked the stallion.

With a curling grimace of its lips, the unicorn staggered to its feet. Shaking its head, a long shudder rippled from its mane, right down its back and through to its tail, which flicked up at the end.

Charmaine ran a hand smoothly from its neck to its rump, checking the sealed wounds and grazes. Stepping back, she bowed to the unicorn, smiling. "It has been a pleasure to help you, sir."

Following her lead, Severus placed his hands on his thighs and bowed to the unicorn. "It has been enlightening, sir. May I suggest you avoid the Acromantula in future?"

The unicorn placed one front hoof in front of the other and bowed his majestic head. Then, with lightning speed, drove his sharp horn deep into the flesh of Snape's left forearm.

A/N: Wee beige jobby = the unflushable poop you always find floating on the surface in a public toilet.