Author's Note: I thought I might thank TwilightMomofTwo and rameau for going the extra mile with their support and criticism. I owe you both.
CHAPTER 10: LIMITS
I continued to roam the woods until the sky was colored with the barest glimmers of dawn.
For once, I did not attempt to abate my fury with blood. Some childish part of me utterly refused to feed on deer when my brothers would soon be sinking his teeth into more worthwhile game. Instead, after decimating a few trees and frightening off what little wildlife that did not already flee at my presence, I sprawled out on the ground and stared up at the sky, refusing to move as the moon made its slow trek through the break in the trees.
For the second time in less than twenty-four hours, I wished for sleep. I did not have to dream—indeed, I had little interest in dreams—so long as I could have even an hour's reprieve from my own convoluted thoughts.
Perhaps it wasn't that vampires were incapable of sleep, but simply that they were too impatient. I smiled at the thought and slowly closed my eyes. Maybe all it took was staying perfectly still like this for a few years… If I could just find a way to distance myself from the hunger ripping its way through my stomach and clawing at my throat, it would be easy enough to test the theory…
For whatever reason, the ridiculous thought actually comforted me, and my anger slowly cooled into acceptance. There was no need to react to Edward's obvious mental illness with outrage. After all, every male the girl spoke to seemed to be driven insane in some way or another…
I grinned into the darkness and sat up, leisurely picking the dead leaves from my hair in the process. Only days ago I had nearly killed the love of my life's very best friend—the fact that they had yet to speak being entirely irrelevant to the status of their friendship, of course—and now I inexplicably felt the right to criticize the rest of my family's relationships. My grin wilted into a grimace. Perhaps Edward was not the only one in the house who was suffering from sort of crippling mental deficiency. At least he wasn't lying in the middle of the woods, laughing at himself in the dark…
With a low sigh and one last glance at the sky, I walked back home. At least the day would be more bearable with the promise of friends and sunlight in my future.
Esme met me at the door, a peculiar strain of relief accompanying her gentle smile. "Welcome home, Jasper. It's good to see you back."
I hesitated, put off by warmth of Esme's greeting. Running off for a few hours was a common occurrence within the Cullen household. Even Esme, as tenderhearted as she was, did not generally feel the need to greet a returning family member at the door. "I apologize if I was missed. Did you need me my assistance with something?"
I caught Esme studying the dark hue of my eyes and accepted the assault on my pride without comment. It only made sense that she would think I left to hunt. I was the weak link in the family, after all. Why would she expect me to discipline myself without the help of blood?
"No, it was nothing like that," Esme said, all other emotion disappearing in waves of gentleness. "I suppose I was just getting a little sentimental. Carlisle was barely in the house for a full half hour before getting a call about a traffic accident, and it looks like he'll be spending the next couple of days at the hospital. I would never begrudge him his duties anymore than I would Edward and Emmett's hunting excavation, but the house always seems a little colder with you boys away... I think we were all starting to get a little depressed with everyone away."
"I'm very sorry to hear that," I said quietly, staring at the wall beyond her to avoid any unnecessary confrontation.
Esme's eagerness to see me made sense now. She and Rosalie were doubtlessly feeling their mates' absences. Of course they would want me here. At least I could keep their emotional climate at something resembling contentment. Leaving had made them unnecessarily uncomfortable.
A shadow of the anger I had cast into the woods came lingering back, seething quietly in the back of my mind.
Esme, however, was oblivious to the fury that was quickly poisoning my thoughts. She waved away my apology with a quiet chuckle. "There's no need to apologize. You didn't send the rest of the boys away. I'm just very glad to see you back. Did you manage to finish all your schoolwork last night?"
"Not yet. I thought I might glance through it after changing," my words came out a fraction slower than usual as I stared at her sunny smile with a touch of disbelief. I could not believe we were talking about homework. With the exception of Carlisle, I was the oldest member of the household. I had been trusted with the lives of hundreds of men even before I had become a part of this new eternity. The idea of bringing my eighteen year old human façade home with me was beyond loathsome.
"Well, I won't keep you then," Esme said, her every movement soft and gentle. Much to my surprise, she quickly squeezed my hand in both of hers before freeing my way to the staircase. "Just take care of yourself, dear."
Unsure of how to respond, I made my way up to my study to find the door open and ready for me. A fresh set of clothes was draped over my lounge chair, and Alice quietly occupied the seat at my desk.
"Welcome back," she murmured, her head bowed over her work. "I borrowed a few of your graphite pencils. I saw that you wouldn't mind."
I smiled, smoothly changing my clothes and leaning over the desk to observe her handiwork. Her soft, fluid strokes came together to form the loose impression of a blue jay feeding her chicks, their nest lovingly encased in the delicate branches of an oak tree.
"It's beautiful," I said, my eyes following her hands as she easily worked in shadows and manipulated the texture of the oak leaves. "Was it done entirely freehand?"
She wrinkled her nose, "Well, I've been trying my hand at keeping a mental eye on the family of jays living near the north side of the house, but I can only get a few glimpses here and there. We were supposed to do an observational piece, but Mrs. Hart shouldn't notice..."
I nodded and grabbed the math packet from my bag. The sheets took seconds to finish, and I had read for my other classes months ago. It did not take long to put everything away and allow my attention to drift back to Alice's lovely hands.
She tucked her name into the corner with her usual elegant scrawl and turned her face to meet mine, her emotions unreadable. "You had us worried last night."
My smile disappeared. "Yes, I heard. It must be extremely uncomfortable for you all with Rosalie seething and no one to calm her down."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Alice demanded, her wind chime voice barely louder than a whisper. There was a rare spark of anger lacing its way through each word.
"Esme greeted me at the door today complaining that the house was 'cold' without the others here," my voice was frigid. "I suppose it's a good way to put it. After all, I am basically the climate conditioner of the family, correct?"
"Jazz…" she said, her lips threatening to pinch into a pout.
But I was in no mood for Alice's attempts to comfort me. I was tired of weighing down others. "Please, Alice. I don't need your pity."
"Pity…? What are you talking about? I wasn't going to pity you! I was about to talk some sense into you!" Alice exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at the very suggestion.
"Sense...?"
Alice sighed. "Jazz, my love, don't be an idiot. We've been here for fifty years now and it never occurred to you that maybe someone here other than me actually considers you family?"
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "I'm a burden on this family! I'm not like them, Alice. They all notice the way I struggle…"
"They all notice how hard you try, Jasper!" Alice cried, pulling my hands into her lap.
I shook my head, but kept my hands where she put them. Even angry, I craved Alice's touch above all else. "Please, Alice. I'm more like Peter than any of the Cullens, and look how Edward reacted when he found out he and Charlotte were on their way."
"But Jasper, that's just Edward that's being that way! And you know as well as I do that it's only because he goes just the tiniest bit overboard when it comes to Bella's safety. Instead of worrying about that, you should be focusing on is the fact that he's not worried about you! He's not monitoring how much you eat, or trying to keep you out of school, or…or any other wild thing he might come up with if your control was a legitimate threat! And even if he was, for you to turn around and project Edward's feelings onto Esme…" Alice sighed and traced the ridges of my scars with her fingertips. Her voice was incredibly soft when she finally met my gaze again. "Jazz, when you left all I could see was a slew of senseless destruction and then…and then nothing. What was I supposed to think when I saw you laying on the ground with absolutely no intention of ever getting up? What was I supposed to do…?"
"Alice…" I began, moving closer.
"Don't say it," she said quickly, moving her hands from my scars to my lips. "No more apologies from you."
I managed the slightest smile and pulled her fingers off my face. "How do you always manage to do that?"
"Do what?"
"Make me feel like all my bad moods are utterly pointless."
She gave a pleased shrug and stood up, pulling me along with one hand and tucking away her sketch in the other. "I just point out the obvious, love. You do the pointless part all by yourself."
Rosalie was already waiting for us in the garage, her sinuous frame tensed over the steering wheel. She stared hard at my face as I ducked into the backseat, but, oddly enough, kept silent about my absence.
"I didn't think you two would mind if I drove this morning," she said as she backed the car out of the garage. "I thought it might be nice to do something besides argue about Edward endangering the rest of the family."
Alice leaned against me with a light, glittering laugh. "It must be getting pretty bad when you're excited about driving something with a roof."
Rosalie frowned and sped up a fraction, forcing the wheels against the pavement at speeds the poor road was clearly not meant to handle. "That's exactly my problem with this speck of a town. If only L. A. weren't so ridiculously tan. I could drive all the convertibles I wished without the humans so much as batting an eyelash. The sun really is so…inconvenient."
"I thought you liked Forks," I said, my newfound good mood making me a little more social than usual.
"Of course I like it. Who wouldn't? We get to be almost normal here. But it wouldn't hurt them to get a decent mall and a couple of European auto dealerships. I was going to ask you all to pick up a Ferrari as my next wedding gift, you know, but Carlisle is thinking about limiting the number of cars we buy overseas."
I shrugged and wrapped an arm around Alice. The whole thing made very little difference to me. Still, it had been awhile since I had tried to take interest in Rosalie's life. "You're planning another wedding?"
"Not quite yet," Rosalie said as she rolled the Volvo into the school parking lot. For once, she was aglow with smug anticipation. Happiness really did suit her, surprisingly enough. "But I was thinking it might be nice to tie the knot after graduation."
"I've had the gown saved for ages," Alice promised, twirling out of the car with a pleased smile. The subject of fashion always bolstered her mood an extra few notches. "When do you plan to tell Emmett?"
I raised an eyebrow. "You haven't told him yet?"
Rosalie laughed. "We're talking about Emmett, Jasper. If I give him about a month's notice, he'll be just fine."
I shook my head as she strolled off to class with a vague flip of her hair. While Rosalie most certainly had a point—Emmett was as likely to object to another wedding as he was eager to be involved in the planning of one—there was something vaguely disconcerting about her self-assured declarations. I was starting to form the distinct impression that the last thing Rosalie needed was to get her way.
Alice caught my frown and laughed, blowing me a quick kiss before dancing after her sister and clearly pleased that we were all in a civil mood.
"Have a good day," I called, keeping my voice low.
"You too. And make sure you're nice to Cassie!"
Her joking jibe stabbed me deeper than it should. Cassie. She had totally slipped my mind.
Again.
With a low curse, I followed the rest of my family into the building and made my way to class. A deep, totally irrational part of me wanted to blame Edward for this, too. After all, if had not tested my patience with his opposition to my friends' imminent presence, I might have asked to come along. Then I would never have worried Alice, and, more importantly, could have spent my Friday enjoying a good meal miles away from any unnecessary high school drama.
Yes, I wanted to blame Edward very, very much.
"Is everything all right at home, Jasper?"
I looked up from my notes in an instant, surprised to hear the teacher address me now that role call was over. Most of the teachers at Forks High School had long since resolved themselves to the fact that we likely knew more about their subject than they did. The only time any of us were required to participate was if there was a substitute teacher or the rest of the class was at a total loss.
But, not ten minutes into my second period class, Miss Williams was gazing at me with an awkward, slightly exaggerated frown, clearly concerned about…something. I tensed. Could Bella have finally told someone about Edward?
"I…beg your pardon, ma'am?" I asked, my pause passing too quickly for the humans to notice.
Miss Williams was happy to elaborate. "My little one has been in bed the past couple of days with the flu, and I noticed your brother was missing. Is Emmett feeling well?"
The words "Emmett" and "flu" were utterly incompatible, but, to my credit, I did not smile at the woman's unnecessary concern. The rest of the class went silent at the question, apparently as curious about this as they were anything else that concerned the strange family the handsome Dr. Cullen had taken under his wing.
"I don't think you need to worry, Miss Williams," I said, making my voice a touch quieter than usual. "Both of my brothers are suffering from a…stomach virus at the moment, but Car—ah, my…father—says they should be fit as a fiddle in no time at all."
"Well then, I hope they both get better. Remind me to give you an extra copy of today's work before you leave, alright?"
"Yes, ma'am," I murmured, staring down at my notes again. Unfortunately, her unexpected question made it difficult to simply drift off in thought, and the rest of the class's murmurings caught my attention.
"A stomach virus? Yeah, right. The dude's ripped like a tank, and his dad's a doctor." I heard one of my classmates whisper to the student behind him. "No way he's really out sick. Probably off to Seattle to score. The Cullens let their kids leave for nothing."
"No way, man. I hear he's hooked up with Jasper's twin. What in Seattle is better than that?"
"I hear you, Derek," a boy sitting beside me agreed in a low whisper. "I don't know what orphanage Dr. Cullen's using to shop for kids, but he's got great taste. Rosalie, man. Just…damn."
"Watch it," the other boy, Derek, warned in a hiss. "Her brother's right there, you know."
"Whatever," his friend scoffed. "He won't do anything. 'Sides, from what I hear, Jasper's all hot for the other girl, Alice. You know, the weird one…"
I gritted my teeth, but kept staring down at notebook. All I wanted was to lose myself in my work...to silence their pointless babble.
"If you ask me, they're all weird," a girl sitting close to Derek whispered, looking up from her notes with a prudish snicker.
"Well, yeah," the boy nearest to me said. "But the rest of the Cullens are more…I don't know…intimidating. Like they'll bite your head off if you get too close or something. But the other girl...I hear she, like, trances-out randomly. That junior Brian took to prom last year, y'know, Sarah Belmont, said she randomly got all…spacey in the middle of her English lecture and was about to get taken to the nurse when she randomly came out of it, acting like nothing ever happened. And she's already so...freakishly tiny and bouncy, y'know?"
Derek snickered. "Well, Jasper's freakishly quiet and sort of scary-looking. Maybe it's a fetish. Maybe he just likes little—"
And now the idiocy had gone on far enough.
I turned to look at them, a careful smile on my face. "I know this might be a surprise for a few of you, but being 'freakish' doesn't quite make you deaf," I murmured, making my voice just loud enough to silence the chatter around me. My tone was on the verge of a growl. "Now, would any of you like to make these remarks about my family to my face? No…?"
I locked eyes with each of the gossipers, their fear and nervousness perforating the air. As expected, no one said a word, though I watched as one of the boy's tried for a gasping swallow, my eyes falling to his jugular. For the briefest of seconds, I could see absolutely no reason to refrain from killing him right where he sat. But the violent thought passed and I regained control, even managed a wry smile as my eyes returned to the latest speaker.
"I see. Well then, maybe you all could do me a favor and keep your mouths shut for the rest of the day about whatever 'fetishes' or 'oddities' you expect my family of having. I'm sorry to say my patience is wearing a little thin."
"Is there something else you feel a need to share right now, Jasper?" Miss Williams asked, pausing in her discourse to glare at me.
"No, ma'am," I said, my eyes scanning the ashen faces surrounding me once more before turning back to my notebook. "I don't have anything more to say."
I wanted to drain each and every one of them of their blood. They could not understand how fortunate they were that we Cullens were so "freakish." If we acted like normal vampires, their organs would be littered across the room. I was so lost in my own imaginings that I unthinkingly clenched my hands into fists, splintering my pen in the process. The red ink stained my fingers and spotted my paper, causing dark crimson splotches to stain through my notes. I stared at the color, allowing it to penetrate every thought.
Is this what I want? To stain my life with more of this detestable color…? I wondered, my eyes intent. All I could think of was that miserable darkness that haunted me before I resolved to give up humans. Their pain had been too much for my psyche to bear. No. I will not allow these petulant children to tempt me. Their flavor is hardly compensation.
With a determined grimace, I forced back my lust for vengeance and made it through class without incident. Alice was waiting for me outside of her classroom, her very hair follicles charged with a special delight. My anger disappeared in a flash. Let the humans say what they will. So long as I could bask in Alice's smile for even a moment, I would endure.
"What are you smiling about?" my love asked as we walked toward her next class.
"Your happiness. Isn't that enough?"
She gave the same tinkling laugh that always followed such declarations. "Your smiles always seem to have something to do with me. Aren't you ever selfish, Jazz?"
"Of course I am. Perhaps more than you know."
Alice rolled her eyes and twirled into class with a quick squeeze of my fingers. "'Selfish' and 'over-protective' are not the same thing."
I watched her go and reluctantly made my way to my next class. She was wrong. My "over-protectiveness" stemmed completely from my selfishness. I was incapable of finding happiness without Alice safely integrated into the makeup of my existence. And I would do anything to maintain my happiness, be it slaughtering the entirety of this hellish human warehouse, tearing off my own limbs, or even betraying the rest of the Cullens…
It was all selfishness, and I took some sort of twisted pride from its existence.
And yet, it was not my selfishness that I ruminated over while biding my time until lunch. It was what those idiotic little cretins had said in Miss Williams' class… "That junior Brian took to prom last year, y'know, Sarah Belmont, said she randomly got all…spacey in the middle of her English lecture and was about to get taken to the nurse when she randomly came out of it, like nothing ever happened." The words thundered in my head like a curse. Alice had never mentioned that she was having visions so vivid that they were disrupting class. If that was the case, then it was my responsibility to ensure she wasn't alone.
I nearly broke another pen as I realized how helpless I was to assist her. The only person who could sit in on Alice's classes or even monitor her from afar was Edward, and I was in no mood to ask for his assistance. Besides, I had never been very good at trusting others with anything truly dear to me...
I was silent as I escorted Alice to the lunchroom, much to her agitation. We had arrived a little earlier than usual, and the cafeteria was nearly deserted.
"Honestly, Jazz! I was all set to be happy for the both of us, and the next thing I know you're back in another one of your moods…"
"I'm not in a mood," I murmured as I pulled out her chair for her.
Alice did not look at all convinced. "Then what's wrong?"
Our dark eyes locked, and I could not quite keep the hardness from my voice. "Why didn't you tell me that your visions were starting to interrupt class?"
Alice rolled her eyes. "Is that what this is about? It's hardly a frequent occurrence. Edward—"
"We're not talking about Edward right now," I interrupted, doing my best to keep my voice soft. "How many times has it happened?"
"Where someone else noticed?" Alice's eyes moved down to the lunch table. "Once this quarter. Four times if you're counting the entire year. Only one was longer than a few seconds."
I groaned. "And you didn't say a word to me?"
"No, I didn't, and for exactly this reason!" she replied earnestly, gathering up my hands beneath the table. "My visions don't hurt me, and I don't mind what anyone else thinks. It's just one of the harmless side effects of being an exceptionally 'gifted' vampire. I'd say it's tons better than eating people, wouldn't you, Jazz?"
"I wouldn't use the phrase 'tons.'"
Alice's small red tongue chastised me for the poorly formed rebuttal, but her eyes danced. She knew that I could offer no real objection.
"Promise me that you'll at least draw Edward's attention to it next time," I pleaded, effectively erasing any trace of amusement from my love's face. "I'm sure he can make time for you in between stalking the girl."
"Did Alice have another vision about the human?" Rosalie asked, drawing our attention to her presence. My glance paused at the tray of food she placed on our table. In the midst of worrying about Alice, our silly props had completely slipped my mind. She noticed my stare and gave me a would-be innocent smile, "Would you like a bite, Jasper? I hear everyone likes pizza."
I grimaced and turned my attention back to Alice. "Promise me."
"Fine," she said with a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest in a gesture of rebellion. "Is there anything else completely unnecessary we should do to satisfy your overprotective impulses? Are you sure you don't want to lock me in our room and staple bubble wrap to the walls?"
"Don't give him any ideas," Rosalie warned, admiring her nails with a distracted frown. "You know he would if you couldn't smash your way out."
"She'd pick the lock long before resorting to demolition," I muttered, much to Alice's undisguised satisfaction.
"True enough. But I'm not the issue right now," she said, leaning forward and speaking in a conspiratorial whisper. Her eyes darted to the lunchroom entrance, and Rosalie and I both instinctively leaned forward.
Bella walked into the room barely seconds later, her eyes quickly darting to our table and then scanning the rest of the room.
Alice gave a quick, sympathetic tremor at the girl's discouraged expression, but otherwise made no mention of her. "You two must know almost as well as I do that Edward is planning to spend every second he can of Peter and Charlotte's visit with Bella. His plan isn't fully formed yet, but I don't think she'll notice him. It's just, with the sunlight…"
Rosalie scowled. "That's just perfect. So now that Edward's not going to hunt the human, he's decided to glitter at her instead? Hasn't she gotten enough clues to our abnormality yet?"
Alice looked defensive. "Her name is Bella, and Edward wouldn't do that. He's doing his best not to scare her, and he's generally too careful to let it happen by accident. I was just wondering if one of us should watch him strictly as a precaution, that's all…"
"I'm not wasting Peter's visit stalking Edward," I said between clenched teeth.
"Does that mean you trust him following her around in the sunlight?" Rosalie demanded, her flawless features contorted into a frown.
"If it bothers Peter and Charlotte otherwise, I do," I hissed, my voice as icy as the cloud of emotion that surrounded my blond sister.
Alice graced me with a smile that threatened to stretch from ear to ear. "You mean it," she said, her voice dancing with extra warmth. It was not a question.
I was surprised to find that she was right. However rash my words might have been, I did trust Edward to stay out of sight. The girl had interested my brother enough for him to attempt friendship with a human. He would not ruin it by revealing the sort of monster he truly was until it was either too dangerous to be around her or too late to stop himself. In any event, it was highly unlikely Alice would be so cheerful if either occurrence seemed imminent.
Rosalie seemed to be thinking about something along the same lines. "That girl has looked after here at least eight times already. I'm surprised Alice hasn't bounced over to spend time with her new best friend yet."
"Don't remind me," Alice pouted, resting her head on her hands. "I would, but no matter how I plan it Edward always finds out…"
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "I still don't get what everyone sees in her…"
Despite her surly tone, her mood was surprisingly positive. I cocked an eyebrow, but remained silent. Rosalie's sporadic moods were none of my concern.
Alice just played with her fingers, carefully keeping her eyes down to avoid looking at the subject of our conversation. "It's easy to love Bella if you'd just give her a chance. She's just…crystal clear. She might even be able to teach you a thing or two about not judging people based on preconceived notions."
Rosalie scowled at the obvious jibe. "Whatever. She could be purer than the pope for all the good it will do her. You know what happens to any human that gets too close to monsters."
"The chance of her being devoured is exactly the same as her becoming a Cullen," Alice said quietly, her dark eyes flashing up to meet Rosalie's.
"Maybe right now, but that won't last. Edward is only attracted to her because he can't read her thoughts. Once the novelty starts to wear off, she'll be no different from any other human." Rosalie's emotions were a swirl of anger and dark satisfaction. "She will never be one of us!"
"Why do you despise her so much?" I asked, tired of her predictably short-tempered reactions to the girl's future.
"I don't despise her," she said with a spiteful glance at the girl. "It's just even someone who's threatened our existence can't be stupid enough to throw their life away—Hell, their happiness away—like some stray piece of trash…" Her hands went instinctively to her stomach, and I winced away from the sudden waves of devastation that engulfed her.
"Rose…" Alice said gently, forgetting their feud over Bella.
"Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like?" she asked, all the venom drained from her voice. "Don't you ever wish you never had to say your husband was anything but your husband? That you and Jasper could actually grow old together and raise children…? Haven't you ever seen a mother taking her son shopping and thought about how beautiful your own baby boy would be?"
Alice pulled her hand away from mine and gently reached out to her sister. Rosalie just shook her head and jerked to her feet, moving away from Alice's touch almost as though she were frightened of it.
"I'm fine," she said quickly, though her pain still throbbed against my brain. "I…I'm heading to class early."
We watched her go in silence, unsure what to do in the wake of Rosalie's sudden display of vulnerability.
"Do you think she truly cares about the girl's well-being?" I asked when she was well out of earshot.
"Well, I didn't see her reaction to either of Bella's potential futures, but she definitely didn't intervene when you had decided to kill her after the accident." Alice shrugged her small shoulders with a hopeless sigh. "But I think she really does feel that Bella would be worse off if Edward changed her rather than killed her."
I snuck a glance at Bella, her every feature despondent, and wondered at Alice's visions. If I were to simply reason the affair out, Rosalie's theory seemed the most likely. The only thing that separated Bella from the rest of her species was the strange silence of her mind. Once Edward realized her thoughts were no different from any other teenager, his interest would die and, in all likelihood, so would the girl. The only explanation I could find for Edward claiming the girl as his life partner was simply if his curiosity took priority over her taste.
Her taste…
I ran my tongue along my lips, moistening them with a fresh flow of venom. My weakness was all too evident, and I would have to subdue it quickly. "Will it be alright to go for a hunt directly from school?"
"We'll have to put the car in the garage or the police may come to investigate, but it should be fine," Alice assured me.
I nodded, and Alice hopped to my side of the table a split second before the bell rang.
"Walk me to class?" she asked with a smile, offering her small hand.
I bowed to kiss it too quickly for the humans to notice, and led the way out of the lunchroom. "It is always an honor, ma'am."
It was hard to exchange Alice's smiling face for the uncomfortable atmosphere of my Physics class. Rosalie was still drowning the room in icy depression, and Cassie, her heartbeat racing at my presence, immediately pulled her desk next to mine.
"I thought you weren't coming today," she murmured as the last few students shuffled into class. There was a tiny tinge of gratitude amidst her usual coldness.
"Emmett and Edward are having stomach trouble, and I thought it best to give them time to recover," I explained. I was not as practiced at lying to humans as the others, but having a consistent story always seemed to make matters easier.
"Yeah, I think I heard something about that already. Sorry to hear that you missed your trip," Cassie replied in a whisper, turning away from me as Mr. Fowler began his opening lecture.
I am too.
Not that I would say the words. Not that I would speak at all if I could avoid it. No, my goal was simply to do as Alice instructed—to "be nice" to the girl—and I would do what I could to avoid reducing her to tears again. Other than that, I would breath as little as possible.
Rosalie did not so much as look at me for the entire length of the class. Her eyes stayed glued to her desk, and her emotions thundered between desolation and irritation. I attempted to subdue her erratic psyche, but my efforts were stymied by my preoccupation with Cassie.
She broke out of her dark reverie just long enough to present her and Emmett's project to the rest of the class. From what I could gather from her lackluster responses, they had decided to do their project on roller coasters. The class murmured their appreciation as she presented a toothpick model of a simple wooden track and explained the various ways friction and momentum played a part in a rider's experience.
I was not surprised by her knowledgeable explanation. While Rosalie had never been on a rollercoaster herself—most lacked the speed to be truly thrilling to an immortal—she was an incredible mechanic and engineer. It was hard to find something with wheels that she could not understand.
Cassie sighed as Rosalie sat down. "I know she's your sister and all, but couldn't she have gone last? Fowler always grades the rest of us based on the best one he's seen so far…"
"Hm," I managed, unable to open my mouth. She had started to play with her hair, and even the imagined scent was tempting.
"Next is…let me see. Jeez, it's cold in here. Just a minute." Mr. Fowler looked away from his clipboard and moved to fiddle with the heater. "Ah, that should make things more comfortable. Now let me see," he murmured as he consulted his chart once more. "That was Cullen and Hale so next we have…ah. Jasper and Cassie, you're up."
I wanted to slam Mr. Fowler into the wall and choke him with his own intestines. While I understood that my own body temperature was significantly lower than a human's, I could not fathom how to make it from the back of the class, past all my classmates, and suffer the extra punishment of having the heater continually blow their succulent scent into my nostrils without completely losing my mind.
I sat at my desk and looked hopelessly to Rosalie. She did not seem to notice.
Cassie stood up and looked at me to follow. I slowly rose from my seat and took a quick breath of air in the process. It was a horrible mistake.
No sooner had I opened my mouth when Cassie tossed her hair, the scent filling my nose and mouth and completely disarming my senses. Without the ability to stop myself, the entire class's aroma—even Mr. Fowler's—hit me with crippling force. My muscles tensed for the attack, my tendons showed clearly through my alabaster skin, my lips curled back and venom flew from my mouth like spittle. Before I could make a move, something smashed into the back of my legs and threw off my balance just enough to drop me to one knee. With my teeth bared I looked up to see Rosalie standing over me, her condescension only just seconded by her annoyance. In one smooth move she had me sprawled on the ground and carefully obscured from easy view.
The whole affair was over in less than a second.
"What happened? Is he all right?" Cassie exclaimed, making an attempt to move towards me.
Rosalie quickly moved her arm to cut her off. "You fool," she said, her eyes on me but her voice carrying to the rest of the class. "Sorry, Mr. Fowler, but can I take him out to get some air? Jasper has severely low blood sugar, and he was in such a hurry to get to school he forgot to take his insulin."
"S-Sure," my teacher said, clearly shaken by my "episode." "I wasn't aware Jasper had any medical issues. Do you need any help moving him?"
"I'm sure he'll be fine. It runs in the family," she said, pretending to lift me up while restraining me with her arm. "We'll just run by the car and pick up his insulin pen."
Without waiting for a response, Rosalie led me out of the room, loosening her hold on me as we walked into the slightly damp air of the parking lot.
"Are you in your right mind yet, brother dearest?" she sneered. "I guess it was too much to assume you were smart enough to hunt before you freaked out in front of the entire class, huh?"
"I apologize," I said quietly, wiping the venom from my chin and smoothing my disheveled clothes. My voice was much smoother than I expected. In truth, it was an absolute miracle that Rosalie had removed me from the room without incident. Her swift kick had startled me just enough to put me back in my right mind, but I could not help scanning the parking lot for any straggling humans.
Rosalie noticed and rolled her eyes. "I swear, if it's not Edward losing his mind, it's you. Just relax, already. I wouldn't have brought you out here if I could smell any witnesses. Now get in the car. You've gotten Alice all worked up."
"Alice…?" I asked, her name pulling my sanity on more solid ground.
The word was hardly out of my mouth when she was there beside me, her hands pressed against the side of my face. Her lovely scent overpowered the lingering aroma that filled my nose, and her concern replaced my wild hunger with shame.
"Thank you, Rosalie," she whispered. I was so lost in my own self-pity that I had hardly noticed my sister climb into the driver's seat.
"Save it. It wasn't like I really had a choice."
"Alice, I…"
She moved her thumb over my lips. "You didn't try to fight Rose off. You didn't attack anyone. We don't have to tell the others about this."
"Don't have to tell the others?" Rosalie repeated, disbelief clouding every word. "Jasper nearly drained our Physics class!"
"Rosalie..." Alice warned, her fingers falling from my face.
"Yeah, whatever. I won't tell. But you better find me a Ferrari. I mean it."
"Thank you," I murmured, sliding toward the door. "I'm feeling much better now. We should go back."
Rosalie gave a dry chuckle and threw the car into drive. "I don't think so. We're taking you hunting."
"No, it's not right for all of us to leave at once. You both should stay. I'll go by myself."
"Don't worry about it. We can just get Carlisle to tell the school he pulled us all out again."
"Alice…."
"I don't understand, Jazz," Alice said, her eyes wide and her wind chime voice lathered with innocence. "Don't you want to hunt with me?"
"Of course I do, but…"
"But?" she repeated sweetly, her pinky tracing swirling patterns along the back of my hands.
I pulled my hands away from her and tried to maintain hold of my reason. As irresistible as the thought was, I could not let Alice make a puppet of me. Not when I had nearly revealed myself to an entire room of humans. "We can't just pretend this never happened, Alice. I'm not cut out for this lifestyle. I will respect your wishes and stick to the Cullen's diet, but I can't play at normalcy anymore."
Rosalie groaned. "Will just relax already? Believe me, Jasper, I'd be the first one to tell you if you couldn't handle being in public. At least you didn't race through a crowded parking lot lifting up cars like some man-eating superhero. You just need to hunt more regularly. Let go of all the melodrama."
I stared at the back of Rosalie's head in utter disbelief. She was the last person I had expected to defend me in the wake of the monster I had been reduced to. She noticed my stare in the rearview mirror and rolled her eyes.
"Don't get too excited. I'm still thinking of my own interests. You should have seen the house when you were out moping. It was almost enough for me to miss Edward." While her tone was sarcastic, her emotional wavelength was unusually sympathetic.
I looked to Alice for confirmation, and she gave me a confident little wink. Still, I hesitated. It was too much to trust myself. Especially after I had already been proven so weak.
Slowly, I shook my head. "I can't. I cannot tempt fate again."
Alice frowned as the car rolled to a stop and I quickly sprung out to open her car door. "Well, you have a few days to decide before any of us go back. At least wait until after Peter and Charlotte's visit."
"Very well," I said as I took off my shoes and polo. "But you know as well as I do that they won't take your side in the matter."
Alice just smiled and whisked my discarded things upstairs.
"Wow, I knew you'd be happy to hunt, but not that happy. What's with the striptease?" Rosalie asked, distractedly running her hand along the glossy surface of her red convertible. Her face was controlled, but her eyes wandered intently along the scars that littered my chest.
"Alice bought them for me," I explained. While I was not among the fashion forward members of the family, I knew better than to take white shoes and any piece of fabric that said "dry clean only" out into the elements. No matter how clean a hunter I was, I would not risk soiling a gift from Alice. "Does it bother you?"
She laughed at the question, but the air carried no amusement. "Hardly. It just made me wonder about your friends. Last time they were here, they didn't look like they'd been…bitten as much as you."
"That's right. Peter became a member of Maria's group long after me, and Charlotte was barely in the South for a year. The only immortals I've seen with scars like mine are dead, most of them by my hand."
Rosalie could not quite hide the fear that emanated from her as she continued to look at me. After a pause, she opened her mouth as though to say something, but immediately closed it again as Alice and Esme joined us in the garage.
"I heard there was an accident in class today. Are you all right, dear?" Esme asked immediately, gently putting a hand on cheek.
An "accident." That was a pretty way to put it. Esme would probably have felt it inappropriate to begin the conversation with "I heard you nearly murdered an entire room of defenseless children today." That just wasn't done in the Cullen household. Particularly since Edward and myself were so obviously sensitive.
I fought back a grimace as I assured her of my health and general sanity.
Esme gave a gentle, maternal smile and graciously granted me some space. "Well, I don't mean to put any more on your plate, Jasper, but I just noticed that our passports are out of date again. Whenever you have a moment, do you think you might—"
"I will take care of it as soon as Peter and Charlotte are out of town," I promised.
"Yes, of course. I'll put the papers in your study."
"Well, now that that's settled, shall we go?" Alice asked, hopping over to me with an eager grin.
I nodded and, with a brief goodbye to Esme, followed the girls out the garage door and into the woods.
Though we rarely spoke, hunting with Alice was always a very different experience. She would "see" our encounter and chase them toward me, while I would adjust my position to always be within easy distance to the beasts' scent. It was as seamless as dancing an exceptionally macabre waltz.
In this case, she led a herd of deer—three young bucks and four doe—toward my eager teeth. I fought the extinct to take them immediately, waiting until Alice's lithe step joined their hoof beats and, with the subtleness of a kiss, took down her pick of the group.
Then, the massacre began. I motioned to Rosalie, and, in moments, four of the group was left writhing on the ground. I drank wildly, pulling two bucks from the group and feasting with ravenous hunger. The taste was less than satisfactory—while no animal could ever hope to compare to the delicious flavor of human blood, herbivores were by far the worst—but just the feeling of the warm liquid against my tongue was pure ecstasy.
I glutted myself, drinking until the thirst was barely an uncomfortable itch in my throat. Rosalie, who had easily satisfied herself with one small doe, watched me with a disgusted shake of her head.
"And this is what the girl could have instead of death?" she murmured, cleaning the gore from her nails with a disgusted frown. "An eternity of ripping Bambi's throat out…"
I finished off my beast and wiped the blood from my chin. I was glad that I had left Alice's clothes behind. My hunger had made me considerably sloppier than usual. Rosalie just rolled her eyes and ran back toward the house, clearly happy to escape the pile of carcasses I had accumulated.
Shameful as it might be, I was glad to see her go. While Rosalie and I might look the most alike of the group, her vanity and stubbornness were endlessly irritating. Still, there was no denying that she was the only reason I had escaped the class without bloodshed…I owed her for that.
With the hunt complete, I gathered what few dry leaves and branches I could find and started a decent sized fire. Alice waited with me, breaking the animals up and throwing their remains into the flames.
"You want to talk, Jazz?" she asked, watching as the last of the beasts was burned away.
"I was thinking about what Rosalie said this afternoon. About…having children." I was not sure how to continue the thought. It seemed pointless to talk about impossibilities. And yet… "Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever wanted to grow old and raise a family?"
"I've never thought about it before," Alice admitted. "I don't remember what I was like as a human, you know, so I guess I just don't know how to want it. It never felt like an option."
I reached for her hands, keeping some distance to avoid staining her with the grime that still covered my chin and dripped along my chest. She noticed the effort and quickly nuzzled into me, laughing as she cleaned the muck from my face.
"What about you?" she asked.
I considered the question. The human Jasper Whitlock was so different from who I was now that he almost seemed a stranger to me. Yet even then, children had never been a concern. I had wanted a wife, certainly, but what little I knew of adulthood was tinged with war. It was no place to raise a family.
"No," I said at last. "I've never known that particular desire."
"Never?" said Alice, her tone teasing now. "You never wanted a little house on the prairie with your wife in one hand and Jazzy Junior in the other?"
"Jazzy Junior?" I repeated with a smile. "No self-respecting Southern woman would do that to her son."
"Well, maybe she's from the North then."
"Or Mars," I laughed. "No, I think I prefer immortality to children."
"Oh, really? And why is that?"
"Alice," I said seriously, forcing her golden eyes to meet my own. "I have you. How could I ever desire anything else?"
"You paid a lot for the opportunity," she said quietly, tracing my scars with her fingers.
"I would pay it again and again, a hundred times over."
"Thank you, Jazz," Alice whispered, kissing my nose before spinning away from me. "But we should go. I have to get the house ready for our guests."
I caught her fingers before she could escape me. "Not yet."
"Jasper," she said with a frown. "Do you realize how close they are?"
"Quite close, I'd imagine," I answered, closing the space between us.
Alice sighed, "If we do this, there's no way I'll be able to get all the streamers hung in time."
"They don't need them," I assured her, resting my chin in her hair.
Alice giggled and shook her head. "Okay, Jazz. I admit it. You're right."
"About what?" I asked, closing my eyes and taking in her scent.
"You are selfish."
I laughed and took another deep breath, enjoying the soft cloud of contentment that encircled the pair of us. "More than you know."