I am sorry for taking so long to update! This story will be finished eventually!
Roxanne Coons was anything but orthodox. From her beat up sneakers to her bubblegum-pink hair, she didn't exactly look the part of a doctor. Or act like one.
"Hey everybody, how we doin' today?" her accent, one that could only be described as "Fran Fine-esque" seemed to pierce his ear drum like a needle with each syllable. Without giving either of them a chance to respond, Roxanne continued on. "That's nice. So, accordin' to my notes, someone here is pregnant?"
"That's what we think, anyways." Luke muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "I took a few tests based on...a friend's advice." Roxanne looked up from her clipboard and frowned disapprovingly at Luke before cocking her head to the side.
"You? You're a boy. Boys don't get pregnant. Simple as that." and then, she turned on her heel and headed for the door. "Stop wastin' my time. Stupid faggots."
"No! Wait!" Luke cried, a bit indignant about what she had called him, but not really caring at this point. "I-I took eleven tests! All of them came back positive! Even if I'm not having a baby, there's got to be an explanation as to why those tests told me I was!" Roxanne huffed as if she were annoyed, and then whirled back around to face the two.
"Look. Those things ain't always acc-u-rate." she separated the syllables of accurate as if to add emphasis. "You know how many times those things have given me a fuckin' scare?"
"Yes, I know they could be wrong, but still! Eleven tests—"
"—that don't prove nothin'! You can't have a baby if you're a boy." she said stubbornly, crossing her arms and leaning back against the door. "Didn't you learn anythin' in health class kid?" a second passed, and then she cocked her head again. "How old are you, anyway?"
"That's irrelevant." Luke muttered through clenched teeth. "All I know is that I need a doctor's opinion, and you're the closest thing to a doctor I've got." Roxanne roared with laughter for a good five minutes before catching her breath and beaming at him.
"He's cute, ain't he? C'mon kid, listen to what you're sayin'! You're a kid, a male kid, and you think you're havin' your boyfriend's kid! Even if it were true, where would this baby grow? Where would it come out? Just think about it!"
Luke had to admit, even though he didn't want to, that she did have a point. Roxanne was right; boys didn't have uteruses, or periods, or even a birth canal. And even if he was pregnant, there was always...that alternative.
"I don't care. I just...can you please do something? Give me some closure or something! Give me a professional test, do an ultrasound—" again, Roxanne cut him off with laughter, doubling over and holding her stomach as if Luke was the funniest thing since the interrupting cow joke.
"Listen to 'im! He thinks I have an ultrasound machine!" she roared, tears running down her cheeks. Luke didn't like this woman very much, and each laugh felt like it was directed towards him as an insult. Wiping her eyes, Roxanne approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder, grinning widely. "Kid, I don't even know what an ultrasound machine is. What I do know is that there are certain ways of tellin' whether or not someone is pregnant."
"Such as?" she sucked in her cheeks and then let out a sigh in a big whoosh of air. Her breath smelled like grape candy and coffee.
"You've been throwin' up, right? And tired all the time? If so, that probably means you've been knocked up." Luke felt as if the air in his lungs had been sucked out.
"Shit." he muttered, and Roxanne smiled gently, a little furrow in her brows.
"Don't worry about it, kid. There's lots of ways to handle this." she turned and opened a drawer near the door, pulling out another pregnancy test and handing it to him. "These are the best around. Give it a shot, and if it comes out positive, well...we can discuss it from there. Okay?" Luke nodded, taking it gingerly from her and moving towards the bathroom, feeling rather like a hollow shell.
This was it. His life was over. He was a freak of nature, and his boyfriend would probably dump him, he would forever be known as "that boy who got knocked up", and the Professor. God, the Professor! What would he say?
And soon enough, all of this was clenched by the results of the test. The little pink plus sign was the most unholy cross he had ever seen.
"So, you're pregnant." Roxanne said, staring in disbelief at the test and squinting at it repeatedly, as if she were afraid she had missed something. "It's impossible and pretty much the freakiest thing I've ever heard of, but you're pregnant." Luke hated her accent; no one said "hooid" instead of "heard".
"Jesus, how is this even possible?" Clive muttered, staring at his folded hands with the blankest expression Luke had ever seen. "What're we going to do, Luke?"
"I don't know. How should I know? I'm fourteen!" he fumed, gripping his head in his hands and letting out a frustrated noise. "This isn't supposed to happen! Maybe if I was a female, but..." another frustrated noise. And then... "I can't do it."
"You can't do what?" Clive asked, shooting him a look of confusion.
"I can't do it. I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anyone or anything about this." Luke muttered, his eyes growing wide. "Holy shit. Clive!"
"What?" a look was exchanged between the two, and before Luke even knew what he was saying, it had popped out of his mouth.
"We...we have to run away."
AH-HA! I bet the title makes more sense now! And speaking of the whole "guys can't get pregnant" thing, there will be hilarious antics about that further on in the story.
So, I finally updated! That's good! And there will be more soon! Stay tuned!
Hasta la Pasta,
SausageMahoney98