XVI
.
Rachel doesn't immediately get out of her car. She rather just stays seated, her hands gripping the steering wheel tightly in a vain attempt to draw on some courage from... somewhere.
Anywhere, really.
She's not ready for this.
She's not ready for any of it.
Steeling herself, Rachel forces herself to get out of her car. Her movements are slow and laboured as she retrieves her bag from the trunk, and then makes her way towards the front porch. She waits until the last possible moment to look at Quinn, and it takes her exactly zero-point-seven seconds to realise Quinn still doesn't know.
So, what is she doing here?
"Quinn," Rachel's mouth says without her permission. "What are you doing here?" It's so not the question she wants to ask, or even the words she wants to say, but it's too late now. It's out there, and there's no taking it back.
Quinn glides out from the shadows, and Rachel gasps at the sight of her. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy, the creases in her forehead prominent, and her bottom lip is trembling. "I - " she nervously starts. "I didn't know where else to go."
Rachel sucks in a shaky breath, stepping up onto the porch and forcing her legs not to buckle as she moves closer to the front door. She has the scary thought of inviting Quinn inside, but that just seems like a terrible idea. She can barely handle her responses to Quinn in public; why would she handle a private conversation any better?
"And, before you ask me what that means, I really don't know," Quinn mumbles, and Rachel feels her heart constrict at the obvious emotion in her voice. "I just - I've had the worst day, and you - you're the only person I wanted to see." She rubs her face with her hands. "What does that mean?"
Rachel has no response for her because, dammit, what is she supposed to say? Can she just tell her that she's Little Star? Can she just do that, and the two of them can talk it out and deal with it together?
No.
She's not ready for the aftermath of that truth. She doesn't think either of them is ready, and it's the only truth she'll be telling herself tonight, because she too has to protect herself from what the revelation would mean for the both of them.
"Rachel?" Quinn whispers, and the silence that follows is heavy with tension and unexplained emotion. "Are you - " she starts, and stops. "You can't - " Quinn shakes her head. "I would know. I should know." She just looks so lost and confused, and all Rachel wants to do is make it better, but she doesn't know how to do that without making it worse first.
Rachel doesn't know if she's brave enough to face that yet.
Quinn wrings her fingers together, her eyes looking to the right, as if she's searching for something, anything. Whatever she's looking for, she must find it, because she starts moving towards Rachel, her hazel eyes locked on chestnut brown. "I'm supposed to know," she murmurs, and it's all the warning Rachel gets before Quinn is in her space. Even though Quinn hasn't even touched her, Rachel can feel her practically everywhere.
"Can I?" Quinn asks, and neither of them is sure what she's asking.
Regardless, Rachel nods, and then Quinn is wrapping her arms around her, drawing her into the type of hug that speaks volumes and volumes of - what?
Rachel doesn't know. She hears and feels Quinn inhale deeply, and the blonde's body relaxes into hers. It feels as if the world has stopped spinning, and Rachel has never felt so dismantled or settled in her entire life. This is all she's ever wanted, and yet it doesn't feel as if it's hers to take. At this point, it doesn't belong to her. This feeling is supposed to belong to Little Star, and it's the moment Rachel knows she's messed everything up.
By trying to be Quinn's friend first, she's fucked up.
She's confused Quinn.
She's confused them both.
She's -
Oh.
It's soft; barely there, but Rachel feels it.
It's just the slightest press of lips to the skin of her neck, and her sharp intake of breath has Quinn suddenly jerking back, a hand covering her mouth.
"Oh, my God," she says, stumbling back. "Rachel," she squeaks, eyes blinking rapidly. "I'm so sorry. I'm - sorry - just - fuck."
Rachel reaches out to hold onto her; just to keep her here, but Quinn is already backing away, her mask slipping into place. There's just so much pain behind those eyes, and it's heartbreaking. Everything about this is just wrong. This was never how it was supposed to be.
"I'm sorry," Quinn says again. "Please don't - I don't - I'm not - "
"Quinn," Rachel whispers, pleading in her voice.
"I have to go," Quinn says. "I don't - I have no idea what I'm doing. What am I doing? God, what is happening?"
"Stay," Rachel says. "We'll figure it out, okay? Just, stay. We'll figure it out together."
Quinn shakes her head. "There's nothing to figure out, Rachel," she says, sounding surer than she has all night. "I would know. It doesn't make any sense for me to be standing here, right here, with you, and not know."
Rachel's eyes pool with tears, and she wants to scream is it's me; I'm right here, but the words won't come.
"I have to go," Quinn says again and, this time, Rachel doesn't protest.
She does hear Quinn's parting words, which are said so softly that she doubts they're meant for her ears anyway.
You're not her, and she's not you.
One of you would have told me.
.
Rachel calls Kurt the moment she enters the house after Quinn leaves. She can barely make out what she's saying to him because she's crying so much, but he must figure out what she needs because he arrives at the Berry home just fifteen minutes later, having told Juniper that it was a family emergency.
Technically, it is. Rachel is his family, and she obviously needs him.
Kurt finds Rachel pacing the length of the living room, looking almost rabid. "Rachel," he starts, worried. She looks manic, her hands flailing and tears streaming down her cheeks as the reality of what's happening hits her in droves. "Rachel?"
She snaps her head towards him, stopping her pacing. "I did it all wrong, Kurt," she says, obvious strain in her voice. "Quinn was here when I got home. She was here, and she came to see me, and not Little Star."
It takes him a moment to catch onto what she's trying to tell him. "Oh."
"Definitely, oh," she says, laughing humourlessly. "She's so confused by all of this, and I did that. I keep doing that, and I don't know how to make any of this better. I don't know what to say or do to protect her, and to protect myself, and she's going to hate me. She's going to hate me, Kurt, and she's going to want nothing to do with me, and I don't know how I'm supposed to survive any of that.
"I love her. I love her so much, and just the thought of not having her hurts. It physically hurts. But I don't see how I'm supposed to get us both out of this. I don't see how Quinn and I come out of this happy and unscathed." She screams in frustration. "This is all just some complicated mess, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do." She throws him a helpless look. "I did it all wrong, Kurt," she says again, and she resumes her pacing. "I've done everything wrong from the very beginning. I mean, how did I manage to fall in love with the single worst person for me in history? How? How did I manage to do that?
"And fucking Santana!" she hisses. "If this was what Mr Pope wanted from this stupid, damn project, then he got it. That girl is literally ruining my life, and she's attempting to take the love of my life down with me. I mean, what is she thinking? Is she even thinking? What does she expect to happen? We're supposed to be working on the project together. She can't blackmail me into making the changes she wants to.
"Why am I even worried about that? I should be worried about Quinn. What am I going to do about Quinn, Kurt? How do I make it better? Is there even any way of fixing it? Im - I'm terrified of what she'll do if anyone figures out she's Pretty Girl. God, what would her parents do?"
Kurt waits a few moments to ensure she's ended her rant, and he gingerly raises his right hand, getting her attention. "So, I may or may not have an idea," he says.
Rachel's eyes widen. "I'm listening."
He clears his throat. "Just, first, did you mean that?"
"Mean what?"
"Quinn Fabray is the love of your life?"
Rachel gives pause, replaying her own words. "Yes, Kurt," she eventually says. "I do believe she is."
"Good," he says; "because I think you're hers as well."
.
Even though she's sure Quinn won't be there, Rachel still goes online at the scheduled time. There are a few things she needs to reiterate. There are a few things she needs to say repeatedly, before the truth comes out. Quinn needs to know before that happens, and Rachel can only hope and pray that it's enough.
.
GoldStarRBB: I really hope you get this. I have your number memorised, and I know that I could call you or use someone else's phone to message you, but I don't know how much good that'll do. I just have to tell you something, okay? I know you're probably freaking out right now, but you're safe. I'm going to make sure you stay that way.
GoldStarRBB: So, tomorrow, I'm going to do something. Well, first I'm going to talk to you - warn you - and then I'm going to do something. I'm going to prove to you that I never meant for any of this to happen, and you're going to find out who I am in the process. I'll take the heat, okay? Just me. Only me.
GoldStarRBB: I promised I would protect you, and I intend to do that. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
GoldStarRBB: Quinn, I am so sorry.
GoldStarRBB: I love you.
GoldStarRBB: I love you so much.
.
.
.
XVII
.
By the morning, Rachel is calmer than she thought possible. She's not sure how or why that could be when she's been put through the emotional ringer in the past few days - which is bound to get worse - but she has a plan. Well, she and Kurt have a plan. She knows what she's going to do to fix this great big mess she's managed to create for herself - with Santana's unsolicited help, of course - and she's determined to see it through.
So what if the entire school is going to learn that she's Little Star, and that she likes girls?
Hah.
Rachel is quiet at breakfast, and her fathers definitely notice. She can feel their eyes on her, and they keep exchanging significant looks with each other. She knows she should tell them what's happening, but she's unsure how to go about it.
Eventually, her tact falls away, and she blurts it out: "All of Lima is probably going to know that I like girls by the end of the day."
LeRoy's eyes widen and Hiram gasps.
"What?!"
Rachel clears her throat, and proceeds to explain the situation as best she can. She leaves nothing out. Particularly the part where Quinn was here. Quinn was here for Rachel, and that part is probably the most delicate and complicated. The aftermath of this 'Rachel is Little Star' revelation isn't going to bode well for neither Rachel nor Little Star. That doesn't even matter right now, anyway.
"We'll have her expelled," Hiram finally says, indignant and determined. "That Lopez girl has always made your life hell."
Rachel sighs. She and Kurt debated over what to do with Santana for what felt like hours. He was firmly in the Hiram camp when it came to expulsion, but Rachel doesn't want to ruin her life. They're so close to graduation, and this kind of thing could derail her entire career. It just seems like too much for whatever reason. She's too soft and kind and forgiving, apparently.
Rachel didn't say she was going to do nothing. She just said no to expulsion.
"I'm going to take care of it," Rachel says, and there's a finality to her tone of voice that stumps both her fathers. "Speaking of, I have to go," she says. "I have an early meeting with Mr Pope."
Rachel's already run the idea by her teacher, but he wants to discuss the implications with her properly. By choosing not to meet the complete project brief, she's risking a failing grade. Frankly, she doesn't care. She'll make it up in other places. She'll take the penalty if it means she won't have to work with Santana Lopez anymore. And, really, she's looking forward to the look on Santana's face when she realises she's in the same boat. Rachel has already changed the document settings on Google Drive to lock her out, and she's always the one taking the notes for their project.
Just the thought of Santana scrambling to pull something together for their project in such a short time brings a smile to her face.
Which lasts all of two minutes after she walks out of her meeting with Mr Pope. She was forced to explain that she really cannot work with Santana anymore, which prompted her first 'coming out.' To his credit, he was fine with that part, and suitably horrified by the fact that Santana would do such a thing. He offered to add on his own punishment, because it didn't seem fair that Rachel had to suffer as well, and she left it to his discretion. She's beyond caring about that, at this point.
Kurt meets her at her locker, a steaming cup of coffee in each hand. She smiles gratefully when he hands one to her.
"Have you heard from Quinn at all?" she asks him.
"Nothing," he says. "She's too academically minded, though, so it's only a matter of time before she channels her angst into her work. For all I know, she's going to send a text saying the entire thing it done and all I have to do is read through it one final time."
Rachel sighs. "Does that mean you'll help me with mine?"
"Of course, Honey."
Rachel sips at her coffee, just waiting. She's unsure what this day is going to bring from people who aren't her, so she's just going to wait and see.
It happens a few minutes later, when Quinn and Brittany arrive in the corridor, sans Santana. The blondes have their arms linked, neither of them talking, eyes firmly forward. Quinn looks as pristine as ever, but Rachel knows her well enough to tell that her eyes are conflicted. Quinn doesn't even acknowledge Rachel or Kurt as they walk past, and Rachel tries not to feel hurt by it. She knows why it's like this, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
Kurt pats her shoulder. "If it's like this now; just imagine what it's going to be like when she actually knows."
She scowls at him. "You're not helping."
He shrugs. "So, I managed to get Finn to convince some of his teammates to find all those screenshots Santana printed out," he says. "All pages have been recycled, never to be seen again."
She breathes out in some relief. "Thank you for doing that."
"Sure thing."
Rachel is just turning to retrieve the required books from her locker when she feels a presence on her right, and she looks over her shoulder at Santana Lopez, who looks thoroughly put out and deeply annoyed. "What do you want?" Rachel asks, her anger flaring. She doubts it will ever dissipate, so long as she never forgets the look on Quinn's face when Santana was mocking her Pretty Girl.
"An answer," she says.
"About what?"
"The paper."
Rachel shakes her head. "What you do with your paper is up to you," she says. "Keep it in or take it out, it's your decision."
Santana frowns. "What are you talking about?"
Rachel ignores her. "Where's my phone?"
"What?"
"Where is my phone? I want it back."
"You'll get it back when you tell me what the fuck you're talking about."
Rachel sets her coffee down in her locker and folds her arms across her chest. "I made myself perfectly clear, Santana. You are writing your own paper, and so am I. It's what you wanted, right? Not to have to work with me. Well, there you go, you've got your wish. Now, give me back my phone before I call the cops and have them search you for stolen property. I'm sure that would go lovely on your transcript."
Santana glares at her. "I dare you."
"I wouldn't tempt me," Rachel says. "You took something of mine, something very very dear to me, and you perverted it. I am raging inside. Believe me. Calling the police is just one of the things I've toyed with."
"Everyone will know," Santana says, as if it's enough.
"And I've come to accept that," she says primly because, yes, she has. "I've accepted that you are responsible for dragging me out of the closet, but I would rather it be me than my girlfriend."
"Do you even know who she is?"
Rachel doesn't respond. "Give me my phone."
Grumbling, Santana digs in her bag and retrieves Rachel's phone. "Jesus, I don't know what the big fucking deal is," she says. "Nobody knows."
"I know, and she knows," Rachel hisses, letting her rage show. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"
Santana's eyes widen slightly.
"Now, get out of my face," Rachel growls. "We're done here."
.
"Does this mean Quinn doesn't actually have to find out it's you?" Kurt asks as they walk into English.
"I don't know," Rachel confesses as she puts her dead phone away. Stupid phone. "As far as I know, only you, Santana and Mr Pope know for sure, and I'm not sure what that would all mean for me, you know? If people were really interested, which they are, and if they went through all the messages; maybe they would figure it out..."
"I wouldn't put it past Jacob Ben Israel."
Rachel groans. "If he figures out that it's me, then fine, but I shudder to think of what he would have me do to keep Quinn out of it if he figures out that part," she says, actually shuddering.
"It's the talk of school, Rach," he says. "There's bound to be discussion."
"It's only a matter of time, huh?"
"Unfortunately, yes," he says. "There's an entire pool going on who the girls possibly are and, well, both your names have come up. This isn't just going to go away."
She sighs. "I'll - I'll talk to her at lunch."
.
Talking to Quinn about all of this has always been her first priority, but the second Mr Pope offers them the period to work on their projects, everything gets horribly and irreversibly derailed.
Everything.
Because it's the first time Santana realises the true extent of the punishment Rachel has inflicted on them both. The highest they can respectively and possibly get for their papers is 60%, and that's only if they get a full 100%, and then take the 40% penalty for not meeting the brief and working in pairs. Mr Pope has offered Rachel the opportunity to make it up in other areas of the project, but the crux is that she's going to have to work extra hard if she intends not to fail.
Santana isn't offered any extra credit opportunities. She doesn't have access to the document, and she's made no notes. She barely paid attention during the few times she actually met up with Rachel, and now she has to write an entire paper on a topic she hasn't even properly explored, by herself. In five days.
It's safe to say the Latina isn't happy, and she all but blows up in Rachel's face. She takes a page out of Finn's book and kicks a few chairs before she's standing right in front of Rachel, screaming right in her face. Brittany and Quinn are trying to calm her, and she flails an elbow, smacking Quinn in the face. Before Rachel can make a move, Kurt is at Quinn's side, but Santana barely registers it; her focus on Rachel.
"Jesus Christ, all this because I took your phone and printed out a few of your stupid messages?" she shouts in anger, and the world stops.
It comes to a standstill, and Rachel can hear the blood rushing in her ears.
There are gasps all around, and Rachel feels the air get sucked right out of her lungs. She knew it was going to happen today, but it was supposed to happen a different way. She was supposed to tell Quinn first.
Oh, Quinn.
Rachel can barely bring herself to look to her left, but she can't resist. She sneaks a look, and Quinn is staring at her, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. She's in shock, that's clear, but there's something else.
Something severe.
Disbelief, heartbreak, agony.
Rachel's eyes snap back to Santana, who's also staring at her with wide, shocked eyes. Clearly, she's seen Rachel's eyes dart Quinn's way, and she knows.
"No?" Santana asks in disbelief, almost in a whisper.
"I told you," Rachel croaks out, suddenly feeling everything. "I told you that you have no idea what you've done."
.
Santana ends up suspended, and Rachel ends up with an afternoon of detention. Apparently, it's just part of the principle of the entire confrontation, and both parties need to be punished in some capacity, even though Rachel did nothing. It's not as if the entire school now knows that Rachel Berry is Little Star, and she's gay and she has a secret girlfriend. Sure, let's just add insult to injury and tack on an undeserved detention.
Kurt is waiting for her when she gets out, and he wraps an arm around her shoulders as he leads her down the corridor in an attempt to shield her from prying eyes. There are people around, staring and whispering, and Rachel just wants to hide from the world for all of eternity. She just managed to escape their taunts, and now this.
"Anything?" Rachel asks in a whisper when they get to her locker, the endless murmuring practically following her. It's ringing in her head.
"Nothing," he says. "She knows I know, so I doubt she'll be contacting me any time soon."
Rachel leans her head on the open door of her locker. "This is such a mess," she says, just as some random jock calls out: "Yo, Berry, you up for a threesome?"
There's a bout of snickering before a Cheerio says, "She'd have to know who the other girl is first. I bet she doesn't even exist."
"Catfish!" someone else yells, and Rachel closes her eyes against the tears threatening to seep out.
Kurt rubs a slow circle on her back, shooting glares at all the students lingering. "I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted," he says softly, soothingly. "It was a pretty decent plan."
She lets out an exhausted breath. "It was, wasn't it?"
Before he can respond, Finn lumbers up to them, looking, well, confused, and Rachel immediately knows he's bound to say something utterly inappropriate. She really doesn't have the time or patience or heart for this. She just wants to crawl into a little ball and let the world happen without her. "Hey, Rach," he says.
"Hi, Finn," she says tensely.
He scratches the top of his head in thought. "So, you're gay?"
Rachel huffs. "I'm bisexual, Finn."
"So, I didn't turn you gay?"
Rachel glances at Kurt, who looks annoyed on her behalf.
"Go away, Finn," Kurt says briskly. "We have more important things to do than stroke your ego."
He frowns, definitely not appreciating his stepbrother's tone of voice. Still, he ignores it. "If you're looking for Quinn, she's outside by the bleachers," he says.
After a brief moment of shocked silent, Kurt asks, "Why would we be looking for Quinn?"
Finn looks knowingly at Rachel. "Why wouldn't you be, right?"
Rachel isn't sure what to say because she's just so exhausted. This entire day has been exhausting, and all she wants to do is crawl into bed (with Quinn), possibly have a good cry (with Quinn) and go to sleep (with Quinn). "Thank you, Finn," she says.
"Sure thing," he says. "And, don't worry, I won't tell anyone."
"Thank you," she says again and, when Finn walks away, she looks at Kurt.
"Don't worry," he says, drawing her into another hug. "We're going to figure out this entire mess."
"Starting with Quinn."
"Starting with Quinn," he echoes.
.
As much as Rachel wants to see Quinn, she and Kurt know it's too risky to do it while on school grounds. Rachel is definitely being watched, and talking to Quinn now would only draw attention to her and them, and she's vowed to do all she can not to do that.
Plus, she's pretty certain that Quinn hates her.
"What did she say to you?" Rachel asks Kurt for the umpteenth time.
Kurt, to his credit, resists the urge to roll his eyes. "Nothing, Rachel," he says. "She was in shock, obviously, and her nose was bleeding, so Brittany took her to the Nurse. I haven't heard anything from her since then."
Rachel sighs, laying the top half of her body down on the counter in Juniper's. It's technically only Rachel's shift now, but Kurt is keeping her company. He's trying to distract her with anything, but none of it is working. Her mind keeps drifting back to Quinn Fabray, and he suspects she already thinks of little else. He wouldn't even know what he would be doing if he were in her position, and that's terrifying.
In another life, things would be different.
In another life, Rachel Berry wouldn't have fallen in love with Quinn Fabray.
.
Rachel and Kurt are just switching shifts when -
Well, when Quinn arrives.
It's so unexpected and so surprising that neither of the best friends knows what to say or do. The normally smiling Quinn Fabray of Juniper's is no more, and there's something hard in her expression that chills Rachel to the very core.
Quinn makes a beeline straight for Kurt and hands him a wad of paper held together by a butterfly clip. "I've finished it," she says. "If you have edits, make them on this hardcopy, give it back and then I'll change things on the final document," she says, all business and straight edges. "The presentation is almost done. I'll send you your parts when I've written the speech. I expect you to practice thoroughly, and have it memorised. Read through the notes again for when Mr Pope and the rest of the class ask their questions, and you should be fine." She pauses, taking a breath. "That should be everything. I don't expect any more contact from you, nor will I welcome it."
"Quinn," Kurt starts to say, and she shoots him such a pained, pleading look that he shuts up immediately.
"I can't, Kurt," she says, and the tone of her voice says it all. There's so much strain there that it's surprising she hasn't pulled a vocal chord.
"Okay," he whispers.
Quinn turns to go, but her steps falter, and she meets Rachel's gaze. Her eyes are stormy and clouded with more emotion than either girl knows with what to do. "Was it all a game?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
"No, Quinn," Rachel immediately says. "I - "
Quinn raises a hand to silence her. "Have you ever lied to me?"
Rachel can barely breathe, but she's going to tell the truth. Everything from now on will be the truth and nothing less. "Yes," she says.
Quinn breathes out slowly, her eyes staying on Rachel's as she speaks, her voice a monotone. "School is getting hectic now, and I'm falling behind. I really need to focus, and I really can't do any of this right now."
Rachel hears the echo of her own words in Quinn's and it twists her insides painfully.
"I'm sorry," Quinn says. "I thought this - I just wanted - " she stops, sighs, and then shakes her head at her own inability to say the right words. "Just, not now."
And then she's gone.
Rachel can only just watch her leave, her own apology dying on her lips.
.
GoldStarRBB: So, I don't really expect you to read this, but I need to write down what I'm feeling before I lose my mind. It's bound to happen. It's been threatening to happen since I reached puberty.
GoldStarRBB: When we first started talking, I wasn't sure what to make of this new friend I was making. I get too excited sometimes. I invest too much of myself into relationships because I just want people to like me. I live for acceptance and approval and applause. I think it stems from when I was quite young. Having two gay fathers tends to keep certain people away - which, in hindsight, probably isn't the worst thing in the world - and I think I've been trying to make up for it in so many other ways. Don't get me wrong; I love my fathers dearly, but I've come to accept that I jumped at the anonymity of what we initially had because I didn't have to be the proud daughter of Lima's gay couple.
GoldStarRBB: It makes me feel sick when I think about it. It's hard. It's been difficult for me, and I try not to complain. I've been teased about my parents for as long as I remember, and I've been bullied about my general overbearing, insufferable personality for even longer. Though, now that I come to think of it, you've never made any comments about my parents' sexuality.
GoldStarRBB: Huh?
GoldStarRBB: I have dreams, and I'm not ashamed of them. I'm getting out of this stupid town, and I still want you to come with me. My plans for us haven't changed. I want nothing more than to be in New York with you (or just visit you in New Haven, really.) I think it's safe to say I just want to be with you. I want to BE with you, Quinn. In all the ways. Emotionally and physically. I know this whole ordeal has put things in jeopardy or... something, but I need you to know that I still want this and I still want you. Nothing has changed in that regard.
GoldStarRBB: Of course, this is all from my side.
GoldStarRBB: It's never been a game, Quinn. I would never willingly hurt you this way. If I could help it, you would never hurt again. All I've ever wanted was to protect you; to make you feel safe and accepted. I want you to allow yourself to be happy with who you are. As cliche as it is, all I've ever wanted was to help you learn to love yourself and love life. All I can hope now is that I've succeeded even a little bit. I just want you to be happy. Even if you determine that to be without me.
GoldStarRBB: Whatever happens, I don't regret ever meeting you or getting to know you or falling in love with you. We were friends first, and I've always wondered where in our endless texting and messaging that I figured out I wanted MORE. It's probably easier to fall for a 'person' over the internet because their gender remains unimportant. I think, by then, my bisexuality had no bearing on my feelings for you at all. You could have been an alien for all I cared; I would still love you.
GoldStarRBB: And I do, Quinn. I love you in a way I can barely understand because, honestly, we haven't even been on a date yet.
GoldStarRBB: YET. I'm still holding out for you.
GoldStarRBB: The concept of love has always been something foreign to me. I know it exists, and I'm sure I've felt it, but nothing like with you. I felt it for you through my phone, and then I started to feel all these things for the person Quinn, and I'm sorry I made you doubt me. It's your own fault, by the way. Why do you have to be so irresistible in so many different ways?
GoldStarRBB: It just makes me think, you know, about fate and destiny and all that. It also makes me think about souls and soulmates and how we were always going to find each other, in all the different capacities. The fact that we could fall for each other twice. It gives me this odd sense of hope that has no business existing. I'm a bit of a romantic, you see, and I will do the big gesture, Quinn. I will.
GoldStarRBB: In fact, I think I'm going to. Don't be alarmed, though. I promised to keep your secret, and I intend to do that. Just, well, I kind of want the world to know that I'm in love, and I'm in love with a girl. Who is, might I say, BEYOND PRETTY. Your moniker definitely doesn't do you justice. You are beautiful, Quinn, both inside and out, and I want nothing more than to bask in it. In you.
GoldStarRBB: You want time. I get that. I intend to give it to you. I just don't want you to forget about me or anything. 'Rachel' won't contact you, but I hope you won't mind that I keep writing things to you here. It helps me and, if you do read any of this, I hope it helps you too.
GoldStarRBB: By the way, my name is Rachel Berry, and I am ridiculously and dangerously in love with you, Quinn Fabray.
GoldStarRBB: Whenever you're ready, baby. I'm right here. Waiting (im)patiently.