Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs are All Broken!
Isabella (The December Project)

On the Writing of this Chapter: Okay, I could have done much worse to poor Renji with a partner like Tatsuki, but I have a huge soft spot for him. I think it's because he reminds me of a teddy bear I used to have. No kidding.

This pairing is seriously hard to write, but after reading a few fantastically written stories which managed to keep everyone in character, I got a touch of inspiration. Forgive me, please, for any OOCness (that goes for every chapter). Comedy truly is tricky.

This chapter is extra-long for your reading enjoyment! I had enough ideas to gag a horse, figuratively speaking. I'm finally getting somewhat more committed to the fluff, so prepare yourselves.

On an almost unrelated note, yesterday was my birthday! Yay! I am 19. So here's a present for everyone: more Chicken!

On dedication: This chapter to non-conventional writers: darlings out in non-canon land, valiantly slaving over hot keyboards to bring you new, completely out-of-left-field pairings; the AU folks who have made our favorite characters even more interesting; and even the lemon-heads- we still respect you. And as always, to the regulars who often remind me that fanfiction is very much a legitimate writing form. Keep it up, all.

On you pressing the review button: Seventy-two reviews! People, your mind-numbing niceness makes me melt all over my chair. For the love of all that is good and holy, please stop. My roommate is seriously getting sick of mopping me up. But really, the confidence boosting is soooooo much appreciated. You are wonderful (especially my well-loved repeat reviewers). And now, as predicted, my pretties, I give you (the completely not-for-profit, belonging to Kubo Tite):

Chapter X: Tatsuki and Renji - Learning to Love a Menstrual Tasmanian Devil
or
Kung-Fu and the Modern Shinigami

Arisawa Tatsuki was on the second floor of her home nearby, holding her carton off eggs out the window threateningly. Renji was on the sidewalk, screaming up at her. "Don't blame me that you're a psycho bitch with no maternal instincts!"

"Me? I'm psycho? You know what? If you think you're so good at it-" Tatsuki carelessly tossed the entire carton toward the sidewalk. Renji made a dive that only managed to crack one rib. When she'd sent the carton flying the night before, he was pretty sure that he'd damaged some internal organs. Including one that he didn't think he had.

When he got back up there, he was going... um... there weren't many options past "hit a girl," but Tatsuki wasn't so much a girl as she was a tank. A tank with hope-destroying lasers and joy-seeking sadism bombs. A tank that had forced him to purchase a new gigai because she had really, actually been trying to murder, kill, maim, and / or destroy him. For real.

So he took the mostly undamaged eggs back up and prepared to something violent. He had to prepare because he could only assume that Arisawa was made of cement. How the hell else could she do so much damage with so little effort?

She opened the door after he pounded for a minute. Before he could think, she grabbed the carton and glared at him.

Then she launched into a tirade. Renji felt his jaw collide with her welcome mat within three seconds of her opening her mouth. "What were you thinking? You almost didn't catch them! What would we have done if you hadn't actually caught them? You are the most irresponsible, selfish, stupid fake husband ever and you're not fit to- are you listening to me?"

In his mind, Renji pulled a trigger. He wasn't sure which one of them he was aiming at, but it sure as hell felt good.

...

"Ugh. I just don't even know what to do about him." Tatsuki rubbed the bridge of her nose. The entire thing was an enormous headache. Orihime nodded sympathetically and offered her another chocolate-dipped three-cheese shrimp.

"Don't worry, Tatsuki, it'll work out," Orihime chirped as she popped another diamond-encrusted sea-monkey surprise.

"How's it going with your partner?"

"Oh! We're having the best time!" She giggled. Inoue Orihime was obscenely excited by "Seafood Surprise Fridays."

...

Renji sighed and downed another soda from the fridge. "She's just so damn brutal. I mean, not an ounce of decency. Those kids are impressionable and if she's violent in front of them-"

"Um. I don't mean to interrupt, Abarai, but..."

"And what kind of wife won't cook dinner? I thought Rukia was nasty, but I was so wrong..." He gnawed on a chicken leg... or at least it looked like a chicken. It had apparently been basted in something... purple. On a related note, Saturdays were "Rainbow Surprise Saturdays." Had the 'surprise' ever actually been unveiled, it would have been "Arrested for Attempted Murder by Poisoning Saturdays." Renji trucked on, eating and complaining. "You know when you look at a girl and you just want to grab her and-"

"Abarai!"

"What?"

"One- no. I have no idea what you are talking about and I'm sure Arisawa-san would not appreciate if you 'grabbed' her. Two... What are you doing here?" Ishida cocked his head at the strange red-head before Tatsuki and Orihime reentered the room.

"I didn't trust him enough to leave him at my place," Tatsuki replied simply. "Hope you didn't mind, Ishida."

"I don't mind, except... Inoue, you're out of soda... and all the other liquids... and food. Also, that thing in the back of your refrigerator that looked like a mold-covered kitten."

"Mr. Snuggly-Buns?!?!" Orihime's face blanked for a second. Then she frowned. "He wasn't going to be ready for three more weeks!"

Renji was like a vacuum. A vacuum with a hose large enough to suck down a turkey without chewing and a bag big enough to store the contents of Inoue Orihime's giganto-refridg-O-master-of-the-Universe-eratorTM. With room to spare.

Ishida was hard at work making sure that he still had all his fingers and toes.

"Oh look, Ishida!" Orihime exclaimed suddenly, forgetting her prior shock at the loss of Mr. Snuggly-Buns, "I think I hear the babies crying. They must be hungry." She flitted off to the living room like a magical fairy princess on crack, giggling and cooing all the way.

"Ishida?" Tatsuki was breathing down his neck. "You are aware that the eggs Orihime is obsessing over aren't the ones for the project, right?"

Ishida pushed up his glasses. Contrary to his former belief, he wasn't completely surrounded by idiots. He was completely surrounded by idiots and a menstrual Tasmanian Devil with anger management issues.

"Very much aware, Arisawa-san."

"How many dozens has she gone through?"

"Since yesterday? Six."

And Renji was eating the mold out of the back of the fridge. Perfect. They could only hope that he found the deadly antifreeze and downed that, too.

Unfortunately, before he reached the fatal stuff, Tatsuki grabbed him and drug him out. She muttered a goodbye to Ishida, who either had a nervous twitch or was trying to sew back the invisible pieces of his lost dignity. Then she hollered to Orihime in the kitchen who chirped back something unintelligible. Tatsuki presumed she was holding the eggs in her mouth.

Well, she'd likely do that with her own human children too. It was probably fine.

Crunch. "Umm... Ishida-kun?" Or not.

She shut the front door behind her, dragging Renji behind her. He'd obviously glued his mouth shut with some strange amalgamation of super glue and peanut butter. She thanked heaven for Orihime's cooking talents.

"Mmmmmm... Mmmm-mmmm. Mph!"

"Can you breathe in that, Abarai?"

"Mmm-mmm."

"Good." She clamped a finger over his nose and watched him struggle for a minute. Then he went entirely limp. "Umm... Abarai?" No movement. "Abarai."

She stopped for a minute. Renji mused that doing this would be an awesome party trick. "Abarai, quit it!"

He unhinged his jaw and freed himself. "Sucker."

"Bastard."

Tatsuki shoved the key into the lock and let herself in. She slammed the door in Renji's face, but luckily his skull was hard enough to withstand the force of a fifteen pound chunk of wood hurdling into his face at a hundred miles an hour. The concussion kicked in as he stepped through the doorway, which was why when a flaming dagger narrowly missed his special place and embedded itself into the wall, it took him an extra twenty seconds to go completely ballistic.

"What the hell was that?!? Are you trying to kill me?"

Tatsuki didn't answer, just blew it out and pulled it out of the wall. "A battle to the death." She barely read it before she tossed it into the trash and headed for the stairs.

Renji stood, his melted brain sloshing around in his toes for a second before he stopped her. "What? How many of these have you gotten?"

"Two hundred fourteen."

Renji did the math. "You've killed two hundred fourteen people?"

"You can't prove that. But just in case you were wondering, I'm saving you for number three hundred." She turned around and walked upstairs.

"Where are you going?"

She looked at him mercilessly. "Do you have brain damage?"

"I can't remember."

"...I've got to go fight some bitch to the death. Try not to be a total failure and watch the kids, would'ya?"

"Fine. Whatever."

...

Tatsuki arrived at the place, ready to send some heads rolling. She waited just five minutes before the opponent appeared, some girl from homeroom D-1 at school.

"Arisawa Tatsuki, I will have my revenge!"

"For what?"

"You dishonor me with your forgetfulness! Let me refresh your memory! I am Sato Shiori. Last winter, before the regional championships, you bumped into my hairdresser on the street. She fell into a puddle and caught a cold. I arrived to the hair salon so I would look respectable when I won the competition. Do you know what happened, Arisawa?"

Tatsuki pointed at Shiori's head. "Other than that horrible wreck on your head you're calling hair?"

"No! I got sick! And you won!"

"Oh. Right. Plus, you look like a poodle who lost a fight with a lawnmower."

"Righ- No! Fight me!"

"You're obviously at a disadvantage because you can't see past those hacked-up poofs in front of your eyes."

"Quit it! This is about the championship that was rightfully mine!"

"What happened to the hair that was rightfully yours? Did you trade it with a stray mutt?"

When Shiori charged, Tatsuki shrugged and beat the crap out of her. Thirty six seconds. A new world record.

Renji peeked out from behind the tree he'd been using for reconnaissance purposes. Tatsuki was completely unharmed, wiping her hands on her pants. She frowned at him, marched right up and stuck her nose in his face. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching the kids."

He held the box out in front of him. At that moment, the vengeful fighter from D-1 attacked, grabbing the eggs. She picked one out of the box and tossed it at Tatsuki.

Using his training from days of catching, Renji performed an amazing leap and intercepted the egg. It cracked into a yolky mess on his shirt.

"ABARAIIIIIII!" Tatsuki grabbed her babies, nearly kicked the girl's head off and ran to Renji's side. "Abarai?"

"What?" He was trying to push the sticky mess off.

"You got our baby all over you! You are so completely hopeless, I don't even know how we are going to pass! You fail as a human being! And... and... and... moron." She sighed and helped him to his feet.

"You're welcome, you psycho bitch."

"You realize you've only got 85 bodies until I have to kill you?"

He wiped off more egg and grinned at her. "Yeah, but maybe you'll get rusty around 80."

She smirked at him. "Don't count on it."

/.end chapter

Endnotes: A touch of sweet for you in a hard kung-fu parody shell. Like an Izzi MnM. That's just how I roll. Send a review if you liked it, please be gentle on my fragile psyche if you hated it.