Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

It's much easier to make people cry than to make them laugh ~ Vivien Leigh

Drunk/acting/sober

I woke up by something in the middle of the night. With sleepy eyes I saw a light on the nightstand and realized it was Edward's phone making all the noise. I just let it go until the other person hung up. But then it made more noise. Why can't people let each other alone in the middle of the night? I didn't want to open his cell phone and shut it down. I just wouldn't want someone else messing around with my phone and even though it's Edward we are talking about, I still don't want to see what he has in his phone. But it was four a.m. and I really wanted to sleep.

I opened his phone and I quickly shut down his phone. His background photo was a picture of Emmett, Alice and Jasper. That was all I had seen and all that I would see!

I woke up at seven thirty and it was Saturday so I quickly took a shower, took my diary and went downstairs. James had to work until three, but I usually sat there and sometimes I was able to go on the internet. I was the only one there, which didn't surprise me, because most people probably had a hangover. I never had one, but I suppose hangovers really were bad.

24-07-2010

Dear Diary

I just woke up. I have Edward's phone and I really deserve to get to go to heaven. Not only did I not look in his phone, but I also saved him from a police officer and I brought him back to the hotel last night. Why? I still don't know the answer. Maybe he's on some kind of pills, because he had such a strange attitude.
I think he said I was sweet in the second bus. I told him not to say things he didn't mean. Oh yeah, there were these guys in the bus, watching me. He said he should kill them, but I tried to make him believe they might be gay and that they liked him. He didn't buy it... Because they weren't really gay.

Anyway, he was really drunk last night. He tried to smoke in the bus, but I stopped him. Then he said he didn't like me and that I'm mean, but after I said I don't like him either, he said he did like me. What really confused me, was when he said he wanted to ask me out. He said that my boyfriend had said he would be busy with me all night. I suppose he meant James, but he could have meant anyone, right? I've been spending a lot of time with Mike, Tyler and Eric too. He was an idiot, he actually said that I don't look like the drinking type and that the drinking type looks like himself.

He put his arm around me and when I told him that's not necessary, he said that the boys were wondering if Edward was my boyfriend and that putting his arm around me would take away their doubts. Why would he want to delude those guys into something he is not? Isn't that strange?

I suppose I shouldn't tell him I was already attack by a drunken boy and that I had to bite him until I tasted blood so he would let go of me.

He said he could read lips... So I'd better be careful now I knew that fact.

And he has alcohol in his room. Can you believe it? Well, I guess you can…

He said he loves me, that he loves me even more than his car. Then he said again that he loves me, but added my name on it. He said it three times. And I hate it. Nobody has ever said that to me and the first time I heard it, it's a drunken guy that can't even remember. A drunken guy that wants me dead.

He tried some poor attempt of explaining me that he didn't want me dead and that he's not a murderer. He said he walked away when I was in the water and hadn't realized I was still in it. Can that be true? I really hope so. Or else it really was an attempt of murder.

I left him then because we were at the bus stop and I knew the way back to the hotel. But a police officer stopped Edward and I couldn't really leave him. It was in the middle of the night and he probably didn't have any ID. I could have left him there. It would have served him right.

Emmett helped me out a little. I am grateful for that. I had to use Edward's phone to call him. He didn't mind that I had punched Edward, he said it was actually a good thing, because Edward shouldn't be kissing girls that don't want to be kissed. I think Emmett isn't even that bad. I do think it's a bad thing of him to say that he doesn't see Edward as his brother anymore. You can't quit being related to somebody. I had seen them together, laughing the way siblings are supposed to do. Now Edward made a mistake by trying to kiss me and Emmett didn't see him as a brother and it was kind of my fault.

I did tell Emmett about Edward saying he loves me. Was that a mistake? By the way, Emmett let me keep Edward's phone. So now I'm waiting to give it back to him.

I'm sorry I wrote so much, but it's like if I don't write this down, it will all stay in my head and explode.

Bella

Now that I had written everything on paper, one hour had already passed. I went back to my room to put my diary back on the table and to take Edward's phone.

I wanted to give Edward back his phone, but if I do that, he's going to ask how I got it. I could also just give it to Emmett and ask him if he wants to give it back. Emmett was my safe choice. He and Jasper came downstairs early.

'Bella. How did you sleep or were you to busy calling China?' he said, grinning. Jasper laughed too. So he knew I had Edward's phone. 'Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I told Jasper.' I just shook my head, because it was predictable.

It was a weird family. It seems like the one doesn't like the other, but the other one does have his brothers and sister on the background of his phone. Or maybe it's a complicated family.

'Could you give him his phone back?' I handed it to Emmett.

'This fast already? Really, Jasper's and my lips are sealed.'

'I just don't want it.'

'Why don't you give it back. Maybe you could have some fun while you're giving it back,' Emmett said.

'Like what? Tell him I went through his whole phone or that I caused high bills because I called China? I'm not looking out for revenge, Emmett.'

'He's coming,' Jasper said. I was still extending Edward's phone and Emmett and Jasper whispered quickly, 'See ya,' and they ran off.

'Cowards!' I yelled at their backs and they left the hotel.

'Bella!' I turned around and Edward was holding his head with both of his hands. 'Could you keep your voice down?'

'You shouldn't drink so much.'

'How did you know I drank too much?' he asked suspiciously.

'It's pretty obvious you're hangover,' I lied and for the first time he believed my lie. He looked at my hand and saw his phone in it.

'Is that mine?' he asked angrily. 'Because mine is lost.'

'Yes, I found it yesterday.'

'And what? Instead of giving it back to me, you decided to keep it for a while?'

'You don't know what you're talking about!'

He grabbed his phone and looked at it. 'And what the hell have you done to make the battery go empty? Did you have your fun?'

'I didn't do anything. Last night it went off and that's why I shut it down.'

'You are such a liar. You wouldn't know if it was mine unless you watched through it,' I stared at him with an open mouth.

'For real? Seriously! In the plane, you were right every time I lied. But right now I am telling you the truth! How can you not see that? I didn't do anything with your phone!'

He was busy with his phone, probably turning it on. 'The battery is almost empty. How do you explain that?'

'I really have no idea, because I haven't touched the damn thing!'

'You haven't touched it?' he quirked an eyebrow.

'Damn it, you know what I mean!'

'I know what this is. This is your way of seeking attention. Girl, there are other ways to get a guys attention.'

'Fuck you! You don't know what happened last night!'

My eyes were stinging because I was so angry at him. And he had made me curse. He was saying bullshit. I should have let him there last night for the police officer. I was walking fast trying so hard not to cry over something so stupid and I took the stairs to go back to my room. I had helped him and I was kind to him, but I got shit back. When I had to take the turn, someone grabbed my arm and brought me the other way. Why did he follow me?

'Let go of me, Edward!' He was walking so fast, I almost tripped. 'Please walk slower.' He did slow down. At least he listened. He opened a door and we went through it. It was his room and probably Emmett's and Jasper's to. He locked the door and let go of me. He went to the bed to sit on it. I leaned my back against the door.

'And you know?'

'Know what?' I asked confused and angry.

'What happened last night?'

'No,' I lied.

'Who broke my nose?' he asked. My eyes widened and I had I no idea I broke his nose. I turned around and tried to open the door. 'Bella, just tell me.' I slowly turned around and I was slightly panicked.

'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but you didn't listen and it wasn't meant to break. I'm sorry.' I tried to escape again.

'You?' he asked incredulous. He started to laugh. He wasn't mad at me?

'Then I have another question.' He stood up and came to stand in front of me. He wiped away the tears that I didn't know had fallen. 'Should I leave it this way or shall I go to a doctor so it's straight again.' I looked at is his nose and it was slightly bend.

I dropped my eyes. I had done that. He should let it fix. I wouldn't want his nose to be crooked because of me, but he was already talking again.

'So, Bella. What did I do to deserve this?'

'Ask Emmett,' I mumbled.

'Why don't you tell me? You say I didn't listen. I want to know what I did.' He turned to stand next to me. 'Although I can guess.'

'No,' I said. He seemed very troubled about saying something.

'Bella, could you just tell me so I could give you a proper apology?'

'That's why you're doing this? You don't need to apologize. It doesn't matter to me.'

'It matters to me.'

'Why?'

'Bella...' I looked up at his face and it was a mixture of annoyance, irritation and anger.

'Edward,' I just said his name, because he had said mine. He sighed.

'You are such a difficult girl.' Difficult? A few weeks ago I was easy. 'You really are,' he said after seeing my incredulous face.

'Right. Can I go now?'

'No,'

'Why?'

'You still haven't told me what you know.'

'Can't you just apologize and forget about it.'

'I would like to know what I'm apologizing for.'

'I will know.'

'Yes, but I won't!'

'You still haven't told me why it matters to you. Can't we call it even?'

'Alright,' he said.

'Alright?' I smiled. 'Can you open the door now?'

'Alright, I'll tell you why it matters to me,' he said.

Oh.

'You, Bella, you didn't turn out to be who I thought you would be. I had an idea, but you were different. I don't want you to think bad things of me. That's why it matters to me.' I looked at him for a second with an open mouth and when he didn't say anything anymore, I scowled at him.

'That's not good enough. I didn't understand a thing you just said. Did you even understand?'

He sank through his knees until he was sitting on the floor.

'Did I kiss you?'

'No,'

I looked down and I saw he rolled his eyes.

'Did I almost kiss you?'

'Yes,'

'It seems like you are faster than me. My nose really hurt when I woke up. It was worse than the hangover.'

'Are you stupid? You were drunk. Drunken people always are slow.' Oh, why did I have to call him stupid? I was still having some strange idea that he was drunk, and drunken Edward didn't realize every offense I threw at him.

'Bella, what else?'

I started biting me lip. I could tell him about him confessing fake feelings. He probably said those three words to every girl when he was drunk. Maybe he even had had said it to a few boys. So that would do no good to anyone and will probably will only cause harm to me.

'Really nothing of importance.' He was looking at me and he knew that he had done more but that I wouldn't spill it. It was clear on his face expression.

'Alright,' he said again and pulled on my hand. I looked down and he was watching me.

'I'm sorry, Bella. I was drunk and I don't know how I got back to the hotel without making the neighborhood dangerous or being caught by a police officer. Although I can guess this one too. You're not going to tell me, are you? So I can thank you.'

I shook my head.

'Are you scared of me?' he suddenly asked.

'What? No!' I said quickly.

He stood up and was the taller one now.

'Good.' He didn't look convinced at all.

'I'm not,'

He had to laugh at that.

'Because, after all, you are left here all for my mercy.'

'You won't do anything.' Of that I was sure.

'You seem very convincing. Why?'

'You wouldn't attack me after putting so much effort into getting me to say what you did to me last night so you can apologize and thank me.' I was glad I didn't stutter at that tall sentence.

'Clever. Maybe it wasn't so much effort for me.' Oh, he's right. He's an actor of course.

'I'll never know.' Why didn't he let me go already? I could sue him for locking me in a room I didn't want to be in.

'Maybe I just like fooling around with you.'

He came to stand closer to me. He kept watching me and I eyed him carefully. Was there still alcohol in his system? His eyes dropped to my lip and he did that on purpose, because when he looked up, he smiled a little devilishly. Jerk.

'I'll scream,' I said, getting a little scared though.

'Just kidding, Bella. I'm not fooling around with you. You are great...,' he stopped talking. I knew he hadn't ended the sentence, because of the way he said it. What did he want to say? Great what? But instead, he changed it by just saying, 'You are great.' He smiled. 'I'm sorry for last night and thank you for bringing me back. And don't try and pretend you didn't.'

He had his saying but I was still wondering if he thought I lied about him thinking I had watched through his phone.

'I really didn't do anything with your phone, except turning it off.'

'Yes, I know. I'm sorry about saying that too. I know you're not the kind to seek attention.'

'And what does an attention seeker look like?' I asked, almost the same question I asked last night. He smiled again.

'A stupid strawberry slut?' Was he mocking me? 'I really am sorry.'

'Let me guess? You didn't mean it and you shouldn't have said it? You did.'

'Still. I hurt you,' he said. 'All I heard when I got downstairs was that you said revenge and coward to Jasper and Emmett.'

'I said I wasn't looking out for revenge,' I murmured.

'I believe you now, though I should have believed you immediately.'

'Right. Can I go now?' I asked, getting back to the point. Leaving.

He unlocked the door, but didn't open it yet.

'I see it's hard for you to believe me and I don't blame you.'

'I really don't understand you, Edward. I hope you understand yourself.' I opened the door, since he wasn't about to. I looked at his nose one more time. 'And Edward, get your nose fixed.'

He did a crooked smile and it made him look so handsome. Bella! Get that thought out of your head. I was standing in the door way and I only didn't walk because his smile was still on his lips. When I looked at his eyes, of course he had caught me on staring at his smile. Shit, he's a guy. He probably thinks I looked at his lips and that I wanted to kiss him. Shit, shit! How do I straight that up? I was just looking at your charming smile... Ha-ha. I'd rather run naked through New York than say that out loud to him.

I walked out of his room and he followed me.

'What are you doing today?'

'I might go to the city with James, I'm still not sure.'

'What time?'

'After three,'

'Are you doing anything now?'

'No,'

'You now are, come on,'

'What do you mean?' I asked.

We went downstairs with the elevator.

'I just made plans for you,'

'See, there's the problem. I didn't accept the plans. And I don't know about the plans.' He rolled his eyes.

'Come on,' he said, opening the door and letting me go through it first. I didn't go though and he sighed and went through it first. I followed. I have no idea where he was going. I was walking behind him. After five minutes of walking I asked, 'Where are we going?'

He didn't turn around, but called back, 'You're still following me? Stalker.'

I stopped dead in my tracks. Was this guy for real? Edward turned around and he was laughing.

'Joke, Bella. Why don't you laugh more often?'

When I didn't say anything, he walked over to me.

'Maybe you just don't like my jokes.'

'No, it's not that,'

'Then what?' I thought it would be better to just go with the truth. What would it hurt?

'I never know if you're joking or serious. And I don't trust you. I'm going back,' and I made a turn.

'No, you don't.' He took hold of my arm to stop me and turn me around. 'I want to show you something.'

'First tell me what it is.'

'Then it's not a surprise anymore.'

'I don't like surprises. I never know how to act.'

'Act? You can't act. You can't even make a convinced lie.' He was true, but it still sort of hurt to hear him say it like that. Just because he was a great convincer, didn't mean he should rub my bad attempts of lying under my nose.

We were walking again. I was wondering why he wanted to show me something in the first place. We had been walking for twenty minutes now and I suddenly realized there weren't any other people around us. Was this even a part of New York?

'Is this going to end with "And she was found back, dead and bruised, in the woods"?'

'No,' he laughed. 'Though, you just gave me an idea.'

I stopped again, a little shocked. Edward kept on walking.

'Joke, Bella. We're almost there.'

'That's not funny, Edward,' I said, raising my voice so he would hear. He wasn't laughing himself, so why did he call it a joke? He think that if I'm dead and bruised, that that is a joke?

I started walking again, but kept my distance. Maybe I should turn around and run fast. Get away from him and his crazy mind.

'You're still behind me, aren't you?'

I didn't say anything.

'Or am I talking to myself?'

...

'Bellaaaaa! You left me!'

He had stopped walking and I walked past him. He had me doubting his sanity. I watched his face and shook my head. I think he was acting or something.

'Bellaaaaa! You're still here. You didn't leave me!' He grabbed me and lifted me until my feet weren't touching the ground anymore and made a spin.

'Wow, Edward, put me down,' I screamed. He put me down. 'What are you doing, practicing your acting?'

'You like?' he asked.

'No,'

He put his hand on his hearth and pretended to be hurt. 'Bella, how can you say that? I can't believe... you actually... no... my heart... it's breaking...'

He was really good, even though I had to admit it. I think he could actually make it as an actor.

'Do you want to be an actor later?'

'No,' he said, stopping his act. 'I want to be a doctor.' He was serious. I had to laugh at that. A very mean doctor. A murderer as a doctor. Alright, he hadn't really committed a murder, but still. He wouldn't even pass the tests.

'That wasn't a joke. What's so funny?'

'Nothing,' I laughed at my own inside joke.

'But Bella!' He was acting again. He grabbed my shoulders and looked astonished. 'I have to know what made you laugh like that! I've been trying so hard since we got out the hotel!' He was also exaggerating, but that actually made it more fun. 'You. Didn't. Laugh.' At every word he gave me a soft shake. 'Bella, you didn't laugh!' I was laughing again, but this time at him and I couldn't stop. I shouldn't let him know he was making me laugh, though.

'Maybe you shouldn't try so hard,'

'Smart Bella, of course! You are right. Why didn't I think of that? I could kiss you!'

'No you don't,' and I quickly put a step away from him. 'You can stop acting now.'

'You like it now?'

'It's not bad...' I said nonchalantly.

'I made you laugh,' he said satisfied.

'You've made me cry more often,' and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand, but the words had already slipped. It was just that we were talking so fast and the talking was so easy, that I kept forgetting this was Edward next to me and I hadn't forgiven him. I turned around with still my hand covering my mouth, so I didn't have to face him. But Edward ignored what I had just said.

'We have to go up here.'

'Where?' I asked, still feeling stupid at myself.

'This ladder,' and he was already climbing.

'No! Are you mad?'

He looked down and the look on his face confirmed my doubt.

'Come on, Bella.'

'I said no,'

He was almost up now and when he went over the step, he disappeared.

'Edward!'

Nothing.

'Where are you?' I touched the ladder to see if it was stable.

'Edward, where are you!' I yelled.

'Eaten by the clouds.'

'Edward!'

'I'm up here, where do you think I am?'

I tried to go up the stupid ladder. I didn't want to be alone down there. When I was up, Edward looked at me.

'You took your time,'

'Shut up,'

'Glad to have you back,'

'You never had me,'

'Don't take it quite so literally,'

I was up now and looked around. We were on the roof of a building.

'What kind of a dump is this? Can we go?'

'You can. I'm staying,'

'How very kind of you,' I said sarcastically. 'This place freaks me out. How am I supposed to get back?'

'You fly, of course!' he said with a huge smile on his face. I stared at him with an open mouth again. Wasn't that what Peter Pan said?

'Right. I don't know anything about alcohol, but is there any chance that you still have it in you?'

'No,' he said, as if it was obvious. 'You know, it's very quiet here. It reminds me of a village and that while we're in New York city!' That reminded me that he was here because of me.

'At least your car is intact.'

'Oh, I don't mind being here, not anymore. But sometimes I don't mind to be in a quiet place. It gives me a chance to clear my mind. No one knows about this place.' But he just showed me? Why would he show me his quiet place?

'But now I do?' I asked confused. 'Why did you show me?'

'I wanted to show you something that only you will know, besides myself. It's like a big sorry and thank you. If you ever need a quiet place, you know where to go. I must have been awful to you last night when I was drunk.'

'You were less awful.'

'Then when I'm sober?' he laughed.

'I didn't say that.'

'But it's what you meant,' and he winked. I turned my head away from his. 'I know what I've been like since we've met and I hope you didn't let me get to you.'

'I'm tougher than I look,' I said. 'You can't bring me down that fast. I just don't understand you.'

He had had hurt me a lot. And when I think about it, it hurts me again. But I wouldn't tell him. I'm glad he believed the lie.

'No one does,' he replied.

'No one understands you? Maybe an explanation will help.'

'Maybe,'

'There's only one way to find out.' He looked a little troubled.

'How?'

'Give an explanation,' I replied simply. 'But you have to understand the explanation yourself first. You have to understand yourself too.'

'So you're saying I should give an explanation? About myself and my acts?'

'Yes, but only if you understand it and if you understand yourself,' I said, repeating what I just said.

'What if I decide I don't give an explanation?'

'I think it will eventually cause you harm.'

'I'm fine,'

'Not now. Maybe not next year. But some day. I really think you should talk to your brothers and sister. You really wouldn't want to lose your siblings and all of your friends. They will surprise you, when they leave. It will go so fast and that sucks and hurts.'

'Is that what happened to you? You didn't give an explanation and then you were abandoned by your friends?' Why did the conversation turn to me?

'No! It's just common.'

'It seems like you know what you're talking about. And I should follow your advice. But really, Bella, you make it sound so easy.'

'I don't. It's as easy as you want it to be.' All those hours with my psychiatrist made me know what I was talking about.

He didn't say anything anymore after that and I found a place to sit. Edward came to sit next to me. Why did he keep doing that? He put his head in his hands and I had to smile. He was in pain. It's not like I enjoy other people's pain, but he deserved some pain.

He had caught me smiling. 'Don't tell me you like seeing me in pain.' Why did he have to be so smart? It was as if he could read my mind, but he was probably just a great observer.

'Depends. Your nose or your head?'

'My head hurts a lot.' I laughed some more.

'Then yes, I like seeing you in pain.'

'But my nose is killing me,' he said. I stopped laughing and my eyes widened. He laughed a bit devilish. 'Well, she has a conscience!'

'No, it's not what you think,' I mumbled and blushed a little. He laughed again, probably because of my blush. I turned my head around, so he wouldn't see it.

'Strike two,' he whispered in my ear. I turned around and I gave him a punch in his shoulder. He didn't look hurt at all. Stupid ass was counting.

'Well, don't count on a strike three,' I said.

He had to laugh at that and leaned back until he lied on his back.

'Besides, I had a right to punch you last night. Or else you would have kissed me and not remembered. I did you a favor, you know. And I saved myself from a trauma.'

I looked a little surprised when I had said that to him. I actually told him that it would be a trauma if he kissed me.

'You really shouldn't have said that. Now I want to prove you the opposite. Actually all girls I've kissed, asked for more.' He was shaking his head with an incredulous smile on his face.

'I'm glad to be the exception,' I said. 'So you should change it to: "Almost all girls asked for more,"' and this time I gave him a wink because I actually felt great about saying that to this boy that thought he was perfect. Alright, he was very smart, knew what I was thinking, caught me on most of my smiles... alright, shut up, Bella.

Whaaa! My head was working again. Crazy Bella just winked! Don't wink at Edward Cullen, the mean boy that's crazy!

'All girls,' he said and he sat again and leaned closer to me. I narrowed my eyes at him. I leaned back, but he just followed.

'Kiss me and I'll bite off your tongue.' He quickly drew back and looked surprised.

'Not so charming, Bella.'

'Like I said,' I stood up, 'just saving myself from a trauma. Another.'

'I already said sorry about last night. And you're not going anywhere,' he said, getting up himself too.

'Seems like you need this place more than I do. Clear your head.'

'I'll manage. You stay. Enjoy the silence.'

'What? I'm not staying here!'

'Yes, you are. Maybe you'll start liking it here more once I'm gone.' And he walked away and disappeared again.

Silence.

I walked a big circle and inspected everything. The view, the roof, the birds. It was so quiet here. I had never been in the country, but I guess it would be like this. The sun was shining and I took off my vest. I had a top underneath it and I lay in the sun and closed my eyes.

'Bella, wake up,' someone said. My eyes flew open. Two green eyes were watching me and I was lying on the ground. I quickly tried to sit up but Edward's hands prevented me by putting them on my shoulders. 'You've been here so long. I thought you'd be gone by now.'

'Oh yeah, I fell asleep. What time is it?'

'It's... time to kiss you,' and he leaned forward. His lips were touching mine and I screamed.

My eyes flew open again and Edward was gone.

He. Even. Haunted. Me. In. My. Dreams.

Oh my God. I can't even call that a dream. That's a nightmare in its worst form. I put my head in my hands and tried to get rid of the awful images in my head. He even tried to kiss me in my dreams. Why didn't leave me alone? The skumbag.

Wait. How long has it been? Please don't let it be three o'clock. I didn't want to let James wait for me. I took my vest and went to the scary ladder. Once I was down, I started walking fast and at the hotel I saw it was already after four.

'Bella,' I heard many voices call me once I opened the hotel door. I looked around and I realized I had heard Tanya, Emmett, Edward and James. Of course I went to James. Tanya was practically leaning against Edward. Why did she call me? I didn't dare to look at Edward. He had just kiss me in my dream and it was his fault.

'Where have you been?'

'I'm sorry, I was out and I had wandered off. I had lost track of time.'

'That's alright, Bella, no worries.' And he gave me a hug. 'But I have to work now, because my boss needed someone extra and I said yes.'

'Okay, I'll go to my room. I'll see you tomorrow?'

'No, tomorrow I'm busy, but I'll see you next week.'

'Alright then,' I said and I went to my room. I glanced back to see the other people that had called me. Tanya had a blank expression, Emmett just waved and Edward was smiling about something. He gave me a nod and he started to run to the stairs. What was his problem? The elevator came and I stepped in. When the doors opened again, Edward scared me by appearing right in front of me.

'You scared me!' I quickly walked past him. I felt horrible about that dream. It was as if he had done it for real.

'Were you there all time?' he asked.

'No,' and I saw he rolled his eyes.

'I fell asleep and the sun was shining...'

'I'm glad you liked it. Now I actually have to share the place with you,' he said.

'Oh, it's not like I will be going there again.'

'We'll see,' he said. I saw his nose was straight again.

'You're nose is better again,'

'It still hurts, nothing is better,'

'I mean straight.'

'Yeah, I understood you,' he said, smiling. 'I went to a doctor. It's kind of awful to tell a doctor a girl broke your nose.'

'You probably weren't the first. Is that any comfort?'

'No,' and he wanted to say more, but I quickly interrupted.

'I'm going to my room. Bye.'

When I was there, I picked my diary for the second time that day.

24-07-2010

Dear Diary,

Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Today I practically spend the day with Edward! Edward is in my head, Edward is in my dreams and Edward is around me for real. Edward! Edward! I'm sorry, I just can't believe it. And I can't understand. Because I was only supposed to give him back his phone, but he dragged me to his room so he'd know what stupidity he did last night! I don't know why he tried so hard to say sorry. What can it matter to him? Maybe he just thinks I'll tell about him to his dad about not doing his job? I already told him I wouldn't. Maybe I should say it again so he doesn't have to doubt anymore. He's only saving his car.

Then he brought me to a creepy place that turned out to be great. Not as if I'm going to say to him. But then that has to be spoiled by a scary Edward that appeared in my dream and kisses me. I woke up screaming. Although I'm not sure I screamed in my dream or out loud. Maybe both.

I know he doesn't want to spend time with me voluntarily. There isn't any doubt there. He's just an actor. He pretends not hating me. He hates me.

Also, I think I've lost more weight because of all the walking I did today. It would really help to have a scale though, that way I know for sure.

Bella

25-07-2010

Dear Diary,

I've been walking outside for two hours and then I did some more exercises in my room. It makes me feel much better.

I've been thinking about yesterday. Edward said it matters to him. I told him it didn't matter to me. He explained about why it matters to him, though it wasn't a very understandable explanation, but he never asked me why it didn't matter to me. Well... I've made a list:

1. I wouldn't believe him in the first place (no trust).
2. He would only say it for other purposes (such as me not telling about him to his dad and so he wouldn't lose his car).
3. He has done things more worse where he hasn't apologized for (even though I can't see the point, because he had done them with joy).
4. What does an apology do after all? Things have been said. Acts have been done. You can't regret them, because at some point, you wanted to say or do them.
5. He eventually did kiss me, in my dream. And that's his fault. Because he tried once when he was drunk, once when he was acting (well, that was just saying: "I could kiss you" but still) and two times when he was sober. The sober ones were in his room and on the roof. He stopped after my warnings (scream and bite tongue off). Anyway, his almost-kisses were so much in my head, that eventually 'dream Edward' kissed me and I couldn't stop him.

The fifth reason doesn't really count, I know. At least not at that moment, when we had the talk, because I dreamt that after we had the talk in his room. But it counts now, so who gives a shit? Because, in the end... the fifth reason was the worst of all.

I can live with not believing him.
I can live with him just apologizing to make sure I wouldn't say anything.
I can live with the fact he has made my life a misery.
I just can't handle seeing a dream where I'm being kissed by Edward. What's wrong with me? I always thought dreams are like images you see because you want them to see. They're after all images that are in your head. So you've created them. But why the Hell had I done that? I didn't want to see that and I definitely don't believe that anymore. So dreams aren't things you want to see. They appear and you can't control what you see. Yeah, that's what I believe now. Uncontrollable images.

Diary, I would trade that dream to anything.

Bella

25-07-2010
11 p.m.

Dear Diary,

I forgot to add one kiss. I mean almost-kiss. An almost-sober-kiss. On 12-07-2010. The one that caused me to get a panic attack in an airplane.

That one sucked the most.

Bella

A/N: A lot of Edward in this chapter. Do we like him this far or not? Course he's still all mysterious and not a friend of Bella, but a foe.