I'm shaking when the doctor dismisses me, shaking when I hurry up the stairs to my bathroom. The man in the mirror looks lost, hopeless. Lifeless gray eyes and those damned slashes across each wrist.
Behind closed eyes, I can see it all like it was yesterday, the crystalline waves against the sand. And Jack, face smeared with dirt and dust and blood. And Ralph, all golden and perfect, everyone's admiration. I can see his eyes, so pale and green and helpless. Begging. He was always begging.
It's hard to explain exactly how thoughts connect. Maybe I'll just blame it on all this therapy I've been doing, making me overly aware of my conscious. But one second I'm having all these flashbacks of the island, like Simon's little body being dragged out to sea, and the next I'm travelling this whole chain of thoughts. The way Jack had smiled at me, so shyly, the first night we met up in London. All those nights he held me. Coming home from the hospital, silent and scared. The doctor passing out the day he arrived. Sleeping in his bed in the guest room, with his golden hair all strewn across the pillow. And those eyes, sitting at the kitchen table watching me. All the fear in those eyes as I brought up the island.
Please, call me Ralph.
It's getting hard to breathe, and in an instant I'm on the floor, clutching my head in my hands. I'm pretty sure I'm crying.
It's Ralph, right here in my house. The boy I tried to kill, who Jack tried to kill. Oh, God. Some rational part of my brain is screaming that this is illogical; Ralph cant hurt me. But I remember all too well the way Jack would obsess over him, every damn second. How infatuated he had been with him, always, always. And I had stood by, always, always, loving him all the while because he was Jack and I just couldn't help myself.
My lips have parted but all the oxygen has been reaped from my lungs. All those feelings of neglect, of not being good enough. I am alone, all alone-
Everything goes black.
XXXI have a dream I am drowning, struggling for the surface, gasping for breath. But I keep slipping under and there's no one there to rescue me. Just when I think I'll give into the darkness, a voice calls out my name. It's low and far away but I can hear it, Roger, wake up, and then hands are grabbing me, shaking me.
With a great jolt my eyes snap open. Frenzied and panicked, I take in the bathroom around me. Jack is at my side, hands holding me, running all down my arms. Brushing my hair away from my face. I don't say anything, just whimper and collapse into him.
For a long time we stay like that, with Jack crushing me against his chest, rubbing little circled over my back. "It's okay." He whispers, breathes into my ear and kisses me on the cheek. "I'm here, Roger. It's okay."
This is just like the last time, I think, except there's no blood and no one's dying and it's actually not okay. "No," I reply hoarsely. Then I'm pushing him away, crawling until my back is pressed up against the wall. Jack stares after me with those bright blue eyes, wide and full of confusion. "No, it's not okay."
"Roger-" Jack reaches out towards me but I turn my head away, shielding my face with my black hair. "Okay. What's wrong?"
"Don't play stupid, Jack," I scowl at my lover. "You…you knew. Didn't you? You've been protecting him."
I can see a thousand emotions in those devil eyes. He's looking anywhere but at me, and yet there's enough tension in the room to choke on. "How did you find out?" He asks after a while.
I stare back at him like I've never seen him before in my life. Because this is Jack, who I love more than anything, and he's been lying to me. "Just realized I already knew," I tell him. Jack looks as if he might speak again, but I don't give him the chance. "I cant believe you. I cant believe you would lie to me for Ralph."
Already I'm rising to my feet, and Jack is doing the same, grabbing at me as I try to push past him. "Roger, please," he begs. I can hear the hysteria in his voice, but I'm not giving in. "Roger, I didn't want to lie to you. Please, just talk to me."
Ripping my arm from his grasp, I turn on him with a feral growl. "Why?" I demand. I'm screaming, and I wonder if Ralph can hear me. "Why are you so obsessed with him, Jack? It's been ten fucking years! Cant you just accept that one thing in the world doesn't belong to you?"
Jack opens and closes his mouth several times, but no words come out. I take a few shaky breaths, waiting for an answer it doesn't seem I'm going to get. "Roger," he tries at last, but it's weak. His conviction is gone.
"Just save it," I grumble, shaking my head a little. "I'm leaving."
And so I do. I leave him standing there, dazed and alone, and I don't stop and he doesn't come after me.