A/N: Finally, Zoro's thoughts! "Acceptance" by Mary Elizabeth Mcglynn fits his inner turmoil...slightly.
RR: Answered here! And thanks again, for pointing out the typos! I went back and fixed them! Hopefully I caught them all here, in this one.
Naghi-Tan: His secret motives are to be explored XD
Chibinasu: Haha! It's amazing how it can creep up so unexpectedly! I'd stayed away from these types of fics myself until an idea was planted into my head, and I couldn't get rid of it! So this was the result of it…glad to know others are entertained by it. XD Thanks for the comment!
: : 10 : :
When the rest of the crew finally returned to Sunny, all of them in states of exhaustion, Sanji had meals ready for them. He was upset over what happened, hating the terrified fear he'd felt strike through the very pit of him when that metal bar was raised above him. Every time he thought about it, he couldn't help but shudder, hardly able to keep the image of a gruesome death from settling in his thoughts. Sure, he'd live, but the baby wouldn't. To think that these people had intended on killing it so easily had been insane – how could they not have grasped how devastated he'd be if they'd followed through?
And he'd been so helpless – that was the hard part. No matter how that picture had come to be in the first place, the fact that it happened so easily, and rendered such fear in his heart over the safety and protection of his baby –
Oh, it was taking him to weird places.
It was making him feel that Zoro had every right to run him away from the group.
But this was home – Sunny and its crew, this was his home. So was he supposed to abandon his home just because he was changing?
His heart was starting to tug in different directions.
When it was time for dessert, Sanji gave Law an individually made mixed-berry shortcake, made with all his gratitude. Luffy promptly spit out his apple pie and sidled up to the older man while Chopper's eyes melted with envious tears. Since neither of them had said anything about the encounter, Sanji wasn't about to make the first venture into an explanation. Robin had said nothing, either, writing busily into a journal of hers while everyone shouted and relayed the tales of their outing out to everyone else.
Before Luffy could snatch the treat away, Law replaced himself with one of the lounge chairs from outside, causing the teen to collapse underneath it while Franky shouted aloud with the chair's fabric catching onto his elbow.
Zoro frowned at Sanji, drumming his fingers atop of the tabletop, and Brook knew enough to keep it to himself because it, apparently, wasn't something that Sanji wanted revealed just yet.
Later, Zoro approached Sanji as the cook smoked his daily cigarette at the back deck of the ship, watching Sunny's wake as it curled and bubbled under the night sky. With Sanji being as lean as he was, the curvature of his stomach stood out against the slipstream's force, shirt clinging to him as he leaned against the railing. It wasn't something outright visible underneath his baggy clothes, but he definitely couldn't fit into his normal clothes, either. If Zoro thought about it, it looked like the beginnings of a beer gut, and that wasn't uncommon among pirates.
"What?" Sanji grumbled, having recognized his approach.
Zoro took a few moments to rearrange his thoughts – he couldn't just launch into his usual spiel of telling Sanji what a bad idea this was. Because it seemed something had happened to say it for him.
"Doesn't look like anyone's hurt," he finally said, pausing just inches from the railing, to look out at the same thing Sanji was. "But why is no one allowed to talk about it?"
"I just choose not to."
"Then, there's no danger to the rest of the crew?"
"No."
"Were they truly wizards?"
"Living in the same parallel as the concept."
Zoro exhaled shortly. Sanji was closed off to him, now, and it was because of him. He knew it, and he wasn't going to make excuses for it. He knew exactly what he'd done to put them in this position, but it wasn't going to change anything. Whatever it was he'd tried to start with Sanji was long gone, now – because of the thing Sanji insisted on keeping. He didn't know what he was thinking, that night long ago, when it started. He knew it wouldn't end well. He just didn't think it'd end like this.
It had started with a look – sometime after Fishman Island, he'd held a look too long with Sanji. The cook had smacked him for it, because he was still running off the terror he'd cultivated with those Okamas, and Zoro had let it happen, because he didn't know why it happened. But after that, he found himself watching Sanji. There must have been something inside of Sanji that changed his mind, because in the midst of another dumb argument, he was the one holding onto a moment for too long.
After that was a clumsy, exploratory kiss – filled with hot breath, thinned lips that were held too rigidly, and hands in the hair, ready to yank back once a boundary was broken. Whatever it was that started between them wasn't exactly physical – none of it could be. It was Zoro's bane to bear on his path to becoming the world's greatest swordsman. It was a man's shame – erectile dysfunction. He'd never paid it much mind until he realized he couldn't get it up, and he couldn't remember the last time he had the urge, to.
'It happens, get over it,' Mihawk had told Zoro. 'There are other ways to express yourself as a man, would.'
In the back of his thoughts, Zoro had thought that if he did this with Sanji, he could get it back. Sanji was his equal – if he could find this in his equal, maybe it wouldn't be something he could lose again. He'd felt it, at first – he'd found himself responding to Sanji, which was why he'd continued to pursue this venture, until Sanji realized that it wasn't working like his. But it didn't stop Sanji from encouraging him, and, being a man himself, he knew what it meant to Zoro to suddenly lack certain prowess, so it was a silent agreement between both to just…be.
Sanji's dream was much more simple compared to Zoro's – all he wanted to do was find an ocean. So be it, the obstacles in his path. So, of course, Sanji would not suffer the same problem as Zoro, and Zoro had hoped, somehow, that if he and Sanji did this, maybe he wouldn't lose all parts of him in his quest to be the best.
But Sanji thwarted him with this – allowing himself to fall prey to pregnancy, to take on a woman's role so unlike what Zoro could imagine, and it eliminated everything about him from Zoro's mind. Sanji was supposed to be his equal, but he chose to drop out of his destiny without a fight to take on a completely different role; abandoning the crew to his own decision, again. It felt like Sanji's loyalty had been waylaid onto something else other than the crew – near similar to what happened on Totto Land – and it felt like a betrayal. That's what pissed Zoro off the most.
Everything about it pissed him off. He just wasn't sure how to sort it out because he refused to try to understand his own feelings. Was it inadequacy in his dysfunction, or shame because he chose Sanji to mess around with, or… ?
"How long will you stay here?" he asked, glaring at the sea.
Sanji said nothing in response, but Zoro noticed his hands tightening on the rail.
"The crew will understand," he went on. "Things like this could happen more frequently. No enemy will be lenient towards you just because you have a kid in one hand."
"You'll not run me off," Sanji replied slowly. "I'll stay just to spite you."
"And that kid? You'd be willing to keep it in danger? You can't have him on you all the time - !"
"The crew can - !"
"You can't always rely on them!" Zoro hissed. "Why should they do so all for you? You should've gotten rid of it in the first place - !"
"Why didn't you say anything about knowing what happened to me?" Sanji interrupted him, glaring at him.
Zoro stumbled. He'd seen what he'd seen, and after all the reports Chopper and Law passed along to the rest of the crew, what he'd witnessed was the start of this ridiculous pregnancy.
"At the time, I didn't think I saw anything like that," he mumbled. "I only saw the usual, you fucking around, and people accommodating you."
"Are you jealous?" Sanji asked curiously.
"Why would I be jealous?" Zoro snapped.
"Because we're different people. You're so judgmental – "
"You're the exact same with me, don't give me that crap."
"We're not the same - !"
"We're the same towards each other! If that shit happened to me - !"
"You would have taken the easiest route out for you, don't compare me to you!"
"We think the same - !"
"We're not the same!"
"Both of us had the same fucking goals - !"
"I can't believe the idiocy coming out of your mouth! Don't you ever compare me to you, because I am not you, and you are definitely not me!"
"All I'm saying, is that at one time, we were equal," Zoro huffed, glaring at him. "At one time!"
"We can't ever talk about that time, you said - !"
"I know what I said - !"
"Never compare me to you, because I am not like you! I will never be you!"
"I just think it's so stupid that you would, after all this time, allow yourself to be so weak," Zoro said bitterly, glaring at Sunny's wake. "It was bad enough women were your weakness, but to take on the full role of one – "
"Stop saying it like that!" Sanji snarled at him, grabbing his collar and shoving him up against the railing. "I'm not a fucking woman! You know for a fact that I'm not!"
"Don't even go there -!" Zoro snarled back, grabbing his wrists and preparing to shove back. "Don't even go there! Quit bringing it up - !"
"Stop denying it - !"
"Neh, Sanji, when you and Zoro are done talking, can you make me what you made Law?" Luffy asked, pushing himself between them to look at Sanji inquisitively. Zoro released his hold on Sanji and strode off, Sanji releasing breath he hadn't realized he'd held. Or he just felt breathless. He glared after the swordsman, his heart racing thunderously because the friction between them was so strong, and, yet, the more they had these exchanges, the more Sanji felt convinced that Zoro was fighting himself, again. It was easier to take it out on Sanji, to misconstrue what was already there.
Luffy reached up to cup his face with both hands, stretching a little to look directly into his face, pulling his gaze from Zoro's back. "Did you hear me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you," Sanji grumbled, drawing his head back from his hot hands. Luffy then pressed his head up against Sanji's abdomen, hands on his hips. He blew a raspberry against the fabric, Sanji reacting with embarrassment as he pushed out of Luffy's grasp.
"Hi, little guy! Can you hear me? This is your captain speaking!" Luffy called out, following Sanji with his hands cupped around his mouth. As if in response, movement caused Sanji the immense urge to pee, and he eked a sound of distress because of it. Pressing up against him again, Luffy said against his stomach, "Hurry up and get out of there, okay? We're all waiting for you to come out!"
More frantic movement caused Sanji to shove away from him, intending onto making it to the bathroom, but he wasn't going to make it in time. He snarled at Luffy as he poised up against the railing and peed from there. Luffy laughed because he knew what he'd done.
"I hope I pee on you!" Sanji snapped at him, red-faced. "Fuck!"
"That is so funny! And you're surrounded by the ocean, so it's not like you can even ignore it!"
"I'm glad this is so funny to you! It's not to me!"
"Hey, does this mean you have to poo a lot, too? Or…can't you? Is it in your guts, or next to them?"
"Outside of them!"
"And it all fits in one neat package?" Luffy asked, craning his neck to look at Sanji's front, and Sanji kicked him because he didn't want Luffy watching him while he peed.
"Get out of here, shitty kid!" he cried with embarrassment, trying to hold the stream steady.
Luffy laughed again. "Listen, Sanji, I just think it's important for you to know that it's all okay. From me, okay? Far as I'm concerned, if you're having a baby that's like, already you already, there's no problem with it! And the crew is big enough to help you take care of it! So if you run away because Zoro said so, just know, I'm going to interrupt everyone's plans all over again, and come ask you why…"
Finishing, wondering where all this pee came from when he was sure he hadn't drank that much liquid, Sanji sighed heavily.
"That sounds like a threat," he said, fixing his sweats.
"It is," Luffy replied. "I'll do it all over again. I already said it was okay, so I don't want you thinking that it's not. I think Zoro's just…scared. That's why he's so mad all the time. And both of you are the same – "
"We're not the same, idiot!"
"You're the same because no matter what, any subject gets you both riled up…oppositely. So that makes you the same in my eyes. Like…hmm…" Luffy rubbed his chin thoughtfully, eyes directed to the stars above. All of which twinkled brilliantly, coasting through the different colors in the night sky, the moon a sliver of white against the black. Lighting struck at some faraway point in the horizon. "Ussop's magnets. Just automatically drawn together, but with enough force, it keeps you apart."
"Like gravity?" Robin asked, walking up to them from the walkway nearby, Sanji wincing.
"Is that what makes magnets work? Then, I guess so!"
"We'll talk about that, later. I have some books – "
"I guess so…"
"It's not just yours, anymore," Robin told Sanji, smiling secretively, and Sanji wasn't sure what she meant by that. Noticing his expression, she added lightly, "Your urine. It's the baby's, too."
"AGHHH!"
"Because I know you didn't drink that much tea during dinner - !"
"Oh! Remember, I wanted that cake you made for Law, Sanji!" Luffy cried, draping himself against Sanji's back, then remembering he couldn't do that anymore, so he wrapped his arms around one of his legs and fell deadweight to the deck to hold onto him.
"Get off, you octopus!"
"Why did he get one and I didn't? I'm important, too, you know!"
"You sure are! Now, you can help Sanji out if you would just get the recipe from Law, because whatever he doesn't like, you'll like," Robin said. "And I saw him napping in the library, just now."
"But I like it! I saw it and I liked it automatically - !"
"Remember those blueberries?" Robin reminded him ominously, and Luffy let go of Sanji's leg to think about this. Once he did, he held his stomach. "Please go and check to make sure those weren't the same ones."
"Right! I'll be right back, Sanji! Don't go anywhere!" Luffy said hastily, getting up and dashing off for the library.
"After I had a chance to speak with those men myself," Robin said to Sanji, folding her arms underneath her breasts, noticing that Sanji was looking at them with a quiet expression of dismay, his own hand unconsciously going to his left breast, "I learned a few other things. Once the baby is born, he won't age as quickly as he was formed. He'll fall into our normal range of time. Plus, those men were all part of a bigger family – it is true, that the first generations of male breeders were all a single family. Their boys had their children, and so on. That's why they all resemble each other. It was only a family that had been perfected with their breeding purposes."
Sanji looked at her with revulsion.
"The parasitic womb will take your life force to grow, yes, this is true. It is a parasite – but we must not think of it that way. It takes from you to give life to the baby, but the baby itself is definitely all of you – and us. The more contact we have with both of you, the more our influence encourages a sort of individuality to the baby. So it won't be as if you're having another clone of yourself."
"That's…reassuring," Sanji said slowly, reaching back to rub at the small of his back.
"You would still have a boy, I'm sure, but it'll retain most of our characteristics. It already responds to each of us differently, doesn't it?"
"Yes," Sanji admitted. "Like just now? Bouncing on my bladder because Luffy spoke to it. Trying to get away from Nami….settled, now."
"What does it do with Zoro around?"
Sanji had to admit he didn't notice. He was too focused on the other man to notice what the baby was doing. He shrugged a shoulder.
"I also made them apologize for their efforts, and I can assure you, they were very sorry they tried," she told him, reaching out to touch his waist as they began walking back towards the front. "Now that they're aware of whose company you keep, they won't try again. Because of this secret they coveted for so long, they won't try to interfere. They were unaware that you are also a Vinsmoke. They will live in fear for the rest of their lives, waiting for your reappearance. Because of this, I doubt this sort of incident can happen again…I wouldn't worry about it."
Sanji wondered if Robin knew that Law had threatened him with another. It sounded so ridiculous that he shook his head. "I'm not. Only one, I'm sure. This has been traumatic enough."
"But wouldn't it be nice? Your child growing up with another? Nami is selfish, she won't provide, and as for myself, well…it hasn't been decided what I'd do after this adventure has ended," she said with a chuckle.
"It's not happening again, I assure you."
"But I'm assuming it won't be! Who knew you'd walk this path in life?" she chuckled. "Whatever would your real father would say? Zeff?"
Sanji cringed at the thought, of visualizing the old man's reaction to him having a kid. "Geh."
"We should take pictures! Memories to take back with you when you visit with him!"
"Ah, no, that's quite alright. This is already giving me plenty of nightmares!"
"I asked him," luffy said breathlessly, running up to him, looking disheveled. "He was being selfish about it! Hey, did anyone notice how old he's getting? Because I did count all his grey hairs, and they're even in his chin pubes – "
"It's a side effect of his Devil Fruit," Robin said nonchalantly. "He lost years overexerting himself in Dressrosa and Wano, so it aged him significantly. That's what it means to 'lose years'."
Luffy looked horrified, fingers going to his hair.
"It would explain your physique," Robin added.
"I just thought it was added manliness after the years of training I spent with Jinbei! I worked hard to get like this!"
"You're young, it's fine. You've plenty more years ahead of you."
"Explains a lot," Sanji then muttered, making his way back to the kitchen, Luffy following after him, wearing a horrified expression.
Halfway through the night, he moved from his bunk to the couch. Laying on his side, he exhaled slowly, adjusting his blanket over himself. He hoped for at least a half hour's more sleep, but when he woke up, the sun was halfway across the sky, and he felt too tired to move. He supposed all the activity had caught up to him, and since it sounded like no one was dying or begging him for his attention, he was fine.
It didn't feel good, to have to remove himself from his routine, and it bugged him as he groggily registered the activity going on outside. Robin and Nami were laughing over something, Ussop was shouting out for a fire extinguisher, Chopper was screaming in a circle, Luffy laughing maniacally, while Franky tried to carry a conversation with Jinbei that was going no where. Zoro was yelling at Brook, whose jovial laughter assured Sanji that it was nothing serious. But he walked to the bathroom, freshened up, then returned to the couch. It was much more merciful to his back than his bed, and when he fell back asleep, a low boom in the distance told him that the storm he'd seen last night was catching up to them again.
Thinking about that glowing metal bar, he couldn't help but touch his stomach, feeling for the comforting shape laying in there. It – he – must have been napping, because he didn't react to touch or the jump of fear Sanji felt in himself over the remembrance of those things.
When he heard Ussop's bellow that an island was in sight, Nami crying out for a respite to go shopping, he forced himself to get up. Barmaids can do it, I can do it better, he thought to himself, scratching his head. He opened his closet to change when he realized that there were different things hanging in there. He closed his locker, thinking that he'd opened up someone else's, but when he reopened it, it realized it was still his. He pulled out a pair of black trousers and a billowy shirt – much like the one he'd worn on Totto Land, but in a ridiculously bright floral print. Accompanying it was a hooded jacket, longer length ensuring total coverage. At this stage, while wearing it, no one would suspect what was happening with his middle.
He changed out of his sweats, and found that the pants had an elastic panel on it, the stitching telling him that someone had done so by hand. He remembered Robin carrying a white case that night they returned from the island, with a pile of clothes. They must've purchased him some clothes and modified them themselves so that they would fit them. He felt himself sniffle, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands as he prepared to pull on the shirt as well.
"I'd cry, too, if I had to wear that," Law said from behind him, startling Sanji right out of mid-wipe.
"STOP SNEAKING UP ON ME!"
"Listen, there are reports that there are Marines on that island, and while everyone thinks it's okay to draw attention to yourself, I'd stick to the buddy system your male nurse mentioned."
"It's not like I'd draw attention to it – him," Sanji corrected himself, frowning back at him. "For fuck's sake, maybe you and I should trade clothing. What are you wearing?"
"At least it's not floral," Law retorted, looking down at his dark blue sweater, which had a single yellow heart imprint over the left breast, similar to his shoulder tattoo. It had a side zipper just off the collar, animal print at the wristlets, and he'd paired it with black trousers. Those had animal prints lining the stitches up the sides of his legs.
"It's misleading."
"Bepo makes nice things, and I don't mind wearing them."
"Bepo makes those shirts?" Sanji repeated incredulously, thinking of all the things he'd seen the older man wear.
"It makes him feel good!" Law huffed. "He made you a sweater, too, but I'm too embarrassed to give it to you. So when he asks, just thank him."
"He made me one? Give it to me."
"No. Besides, I don't like sharing my designer's specially made items. Anyway, pair off with someone."
"You bastard. I'm going to tell him exactly what you told me. I'd like to see it, please."
With a mighty roll of his eyes, Law performed the switch with the shirt Sanji had been holding. Now he was looking into a paper bag that had been crumpled, twisted and suspiciously wet – like it had been pulled out from the ocean and rescued in the same moment. But it had a plastic bag tied neatly within to protect the product, and he looked in to pull out a bright white sweater with red hearts crocheted into the collar and wristlets, with a felt polar bear's face in front. It was loose and relaxed, and he laughed, shaking it out with delight. It also had a hood – with bear's ears fixed in certain points.
"This is so childish! This is an adult sized Kid's jammy shirt! He did this all by himself?" Sanji slipped it on, then pulled on the hood, feeling the ears. He laughed again. "Tell him to make a set for the baby, too."
"Ugh. You are not a man if you wear that out in public."
Sanji threw the jacket on over it, hiding most details, save for the collar. "That's right, I'm a pregnant man. Hey, if you see him first, tell him I love it!"
He walked out to the others, most of whom greeted him cheerfully. They all liked the sweater he was wearing, and it was fitting with the cool weather that had settled in over the heat. He knew he'd be shedding the jacket, soon, considering how hot he suddenly felt with so many layers, but the sweater would continue to hide the surprise in front.
When they left the ship, he walked alongside Chopper and Ussop, both of whom were rapidly telling him their stories about what they'd been up to while he'd been sleeping. Sanji did notice Zoro frowning at him, but he looked away before Sanji could acknowledge that he did. With a low sigh, he tried not to let it bother him, but he noticed the man following after them with a short distance between them.
Whatever was running through that man's mind, Sanji wasn't sure, but he wished that Zoro would just come to some sort of peace within himself.