What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

10 - The Fappening

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

Fuu stood tall, hands on her hips with her eyes blazing as she glared at Naruto. The blond looked taken aback, his hands held to his chest in fright. The girl's scream attracted the attention of everyone in the house, who looked at the girl with as much surprise as Naruto.

"H-Hey Fuu," Naruto said, feeling slightly nervous, "What's up, buddy?"

Fuu narrowed her eyes, drawing herself up as she inhaled deeply through her nose.

"Don't give me that, you know exactly what's up," she said, her glare not subsiding in the least, "I saw you."

Naruto didn't immediately catch on, his eyebrows furrowing as he tried to recall exactly what the girl might have caught him doing. He looked back at the other residents of the household only to find they were as confused as he was.

Seeing that Naruto wasn't catching on, Fuu decided to elaborate as eloquently as she could.

"I saw you put your ding dong in mommy's yaya!"

As Naruto oh'd in surprise, Azusa put a hand to her cheek in embarrassment.

"Oh dear," she said, a pretty blush adorning her cheeks. Temari and Saya just goggled at her, their faces dancing a fine line between anger at the blond and embarrassment at learning the details about Azusa's love life.

"Ahaha," Naruto chuckled, just the slightest amount of fear in his voice, "Really?"

Fuu walked up to him and punched him in the shoulder, a large grin and twinkling eyes suddenly replacing her anger.

"Way to go man!" she said, "Took you long enough!"

Naruto sighed in relief, laughing at having being tricked.

"Hah, you totally got me dude," he said, grinning back at her as he held out his palm, "Gimme some skin!"

Fuu slapped his hand as hard as she could, wincing as she hurt herself against his palm.

"I didn't know mom could bend like that," she said, flashing Azusa an impish grin, "It was so cool!"

Saya paused as she considered Fuu's words.

"Wait, Fuu, you mean to tell me that you watched?" she asked incredulously.

"Of course!" Fuu said enthusiastically, "I even got popcorn."

Saya stared at her, agape. It was one thing to say this might have been Naruto's influence on her, but this was too much even for her.

"Maybe you can join me next time!" Fuu exclaimed excitedly, clapping her hands together in anticipation. Saya looked at her awkwardly, not sure whether she should try to dissuade her from any further voyeurism or not.

Fuu grinned slyly, giving Naruto a sidelong glance.

"But you know, Naru-nii," she started, her grin expanding, "you aren't the biggest I've seen."

"Whoa," Saya spoke up immediately, everybody looking at Fuu in alarm, "since when have you seen a man's… you-know-what?"

"Yeah!" Naruto spoke up, "What do you mean I'm not the biggest you've seen!?"

Saya whirled around to glare at him, causing him to flinch slightly.

"Well, there's this new kid in my class that I'm bully- I mean, helping out," Fuu said, correcting herself as if it were the most natural thing in the world, "I caught a glimpse of him down there. Seemed bigger to me."

This gave everyone pause.

"So... " Temari said, looking at Naruto mischievously, "You're saying a boy in your class of 10 year olds is bigger… down there… than him?"

Naruto shook his head skeptically.

"No way," he said, "I'm sure up close it might seem bigger than it actually is compared to the monster in my pants."

"No, it really seemed bigger than yours," Fuu replied instantly, a smirk on her face. Azusa couldn't help but cover a smile, knowing well that Fuu was teasing the blond; it seemed her daughter had inherited her mischievous streak.

"Just who is this kid?" Naruto asked, his brow furrowing. Fuu just shrugged.

"I dunno," she said, "Just some new kid that came to Konoha from Kumo."

Naruto looked at her flabbergasted.

"It's odd actually," Fuu said, putting a finger on her chin thoughtfully, "I mean, he's really tall and dark, kinda weird that he's in my class. And I think I saw a tattoo on his butt, kind of looked like your name, Naru-nii."

It suddenly dawned on Naruto who exactly had joined Fuu's class. He palmed his face.

"Okay mom, I'm heading out to school!" Fuu yelled out. Azusa peeked her head out of the kitchen to acknowledge her.

"Are you sure you don't need lunch?" Azusa asked, an amused expression on her face. Fuu shook her head.

"Nah, it's okay," she said, pausing as the front door opened and Naruto walked in.

"Well, have a good day," Saya said, walking up to her and fixing a strap on her backpack. Meanwhile she looked at Naruto in surprise, almost never seeing him up this early. Temari, who was also in the kitchen with Azusa gave Naruto a contemplative look as she walked out, hands resting on her ever-growing stomach.

"Oh, hey Fuu, heading to school?" Naruto said brightly, "Why don't I walk you there?"

Saya rolled her eyes, now understanding exactly why Naruto had been up at this time. Fuu on the other hand looked less than enthused at the prospect of Naruto being there.

"Ugh, will you give it up, Naruto?" she said, frowning at him, "I don't know why you're so hung up on this."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Naruto said, sniffing "I thought that I might just check out her class, make sure there aren't any threats to someone that's living with the one and only police chief of Konoha."

Temari smirked.

"Well, if I recall what Fuu said correctly, Naruto isn't the hung one."

Naruto pointedly ignored her comment, though Saya's frown just deepened.

"Fuu, if he does anything to embarrass you, just tell me and I'll deal with him," she said, and Naruto just stuck his tongue out at her.

"Hey, I have a legitimate cause for concern okay?" he told her, "I think there may be someone infiltrating the class."

"Yeah, and I think you're just an idiot that's being wound up by a 10-year-old," Saya replied, "Do what you like, but if I hear about you harassing this poor new student, I'm going to make you regret it."

Naruto rolled his eyes.

"You got it boss," he said, saluting her sarcastically as he steered a less-than-enthusiastic Fuu to the front door, "Let's go Fuu."

As he and Fuu were walking to school, Naruto couldn't help but remember something Saya had said a few days ago.

"So hey, why haven't you been taking lunch to school lately?" Naruto asked the girl curiously, "If there's a problem with the other kids, you know you can tell any of us, right?"

Fuu just shook her head.

"Nah, I don't need lunch. One of my… friends… always has uhh… extra, so I just take it from him," she said. Naruto looked at her dubiously. He knew Fuu was a bully at heart, just like he was, and it didn't exactly sound like she was getting lunches from a friend. But in the end, he supposed it wasn't his business. Fuu could bully whomever she wanted without his help.

When they finally arrived at the school, Fuu led him to her classroom. He noted with no small amount of amusement the looks of fear and respect the other students seemed to give the girl. She was definitely some sort of mini crime-lord of her own little mob or gang here at the Academy.

Fuu slid open the door and walked into the room in a manner that demanded attention. The classroom suddenly quietened at her presence, two students approaching her immediately.

"Good morning, Fuu-chan!" they said uniformly, standing up straight and bowing their heads. Fuu nodded her head, letting them know to relax their pose. Naruto was almost about to comment on it when he saw something that confirmed his suspicions, something that overwhelmingly stood out.

"What the fuck man!?" Naruto said loudly, walking over the the new 'student', "Bee, what the hell are you doing here?"

When Fuu said that the new student was tall and dark, Naruto didn't think much of it. But then she brought up that she saw what looked like his name tattooed on his ass, and Naruto realized it could only be one person. It had happened during their road trip.

-flashback-

"Hey, are you sure you wanna do this man?" the tattoo artist asked him, "I mean, I understand people like to mess with their friends when they're passed out, but tattooing your name on his ass seems like a bit much."

Naruto shook his head.

"Tch, most people would probably use permanent marker or something, maybe to draw a penis on his face," Naruto said, looking quite shitfaced, "but Uzumaki Naruto doesn't do any half-measures. Uzumaki Naruto goes all or nothing."

-end flashback-

In the end, Bee hadn't ever found out and now it had helped Naruto realize exactly who this new student was.

"Naruto!" Bee said, looking surprised at being caught. He tried to stand, but because his chair was attached to his desk, it rose with him, snug at his waist like an oddly designed tutu. Bee was about to say something to the blond before catching Fuu glaring at him. He coughed.

"I mean, I do not know this Killer Bee to whom you are referring, sir" he said, speaking stiffly, "My name, if you must know... is Killer Butterfly."

The look on Naruto's face was one that was a cross of constipated and flabbergasted, his hands raised to his head.

"What?"

Even Bee couldn't play off the fact that he had been caught, and he tried and failed miserably to look away from Fuu's slowly darkening face. His bottom lip trembled in fright.

"So let me get this straight," Naruto started, leaning against the wall as Killer Bee hung his head, looking downtrodden as Fuu glared at him with her hands on her hips, "You somehow infiltrated the city disguising yourself in… that… and for some reason decided to enroll in the Academy as a second year student to keep your cover."

Bee's disguise wasn't the most brilliant; he was wearing the same clothes he always wore except in opposite colours. Where his headband and vest were normally white, they were now black. His trousers were now a lighter colour with black bandaging on them, and his swords had blue handles instead of the normal red.

"I mean, you're fucking over six feet tall, and you're carrying around seven swords!" Naruto exclaimed, "What the shit kind of disguise is that? You changed your name from Killer Bee to Killer Butterfly! You actually fooled people with this!?"

Bee nodded forlornly.

"Yeah, until I got to my class where Fuu re-"

Fuu cleared her throat pointedly, giving the ninja a look that promised pain.

"I mean, nobody knew what was up until Fuu-senpai recognized me," Bee corrected himself nervously, "and she graciously kept my secret and took me under her wing."

"Speaking of," Fuu spoke up, "Where's my lunch money, nerd?"

"Please," Bee pleaded with her, "I haven't eaten lunch in weeks and I barely have enough saved up."

Fuu raised her fist, making Bee flinch. He immediately reached into his pockets and took out a pathetically small amount of change, maybe enough for a small bowl of ramen. Fuu didn't look pleased as she roughly snatched the money from his hands.

"You've been coming up short lately, Butterballs," Fuu said, sneering at him, "All the others are paying way more. I better see more next time. Or else."

She stomped off, no doubt to collect more payment from some of her other lackeys. Bee watched her go with a sad look on his face.

"My name's Butterfly," he told Naruto sadly, "When is she going to use my real name?"

Naruto just palmed his face in exasperation.

"Just… forget all that," Naruto said, waving his hands in front of him as if to clear away the dust of the most ridiculous conversation he had ever witnessed, "Tell me how you got here. Why are you even in Konoha?"

"Well, it's a bit of a long story," Bee said, "Full of hopes and dreams. It all started after I escaped from Kumo… again."

-flashback-

Bee looked back in the direction of his birthplace, where the Raikage and Samui were no doubt enraged.

"Tch, those fools just can't see that they can't hold the Killer Bee," he rapped. Though Bee couldn't help but feel slightly apprehensive about the next time he would inevitably meet Samui. No doubt his brother was giving her shit about letting her sensei escape yet again, and she could definitely hold grudges.

He wasn't sure where he would go now though. He had seen a lot when he travelled by himself, as well as when he travelled with Naruto. Perhaps he could head towards Konoha to try to spring Naruto? That is of course, if the blond hadn't already escaped.

So Bee just kept wandering aimlessly, hoping that somehow Naruto might show up spontaneously. That was when he ran into someone.

He was an oddly-dressed man, long white hair and a scroll to his back. He was writing something in a book of his, occasionally giggling with a perverted look on his face before he finally noticed Bee in front of him.

"Hmm…" the man looked at Bee speculatively, "You look like someone this hermit might get along with. What are you doing out here by yourself, friend?"

Bee just shrugged.

"Yo, I just ditched those fools back home, now I'm just trying to find something to do," Bee told the man. The hermit just grinned.

"Well then, might I suggest you a magical place to visit?" he said, "A paradise where scores of women rush to me, begging for a chance at my spectacular self."

Bee stroked his chin.

"Hmm… easy women, you say?"

"The loosest of women," the hermit replied, "Why, everytime I visit there, I am practically drowning in the poon tang."

"Hah, you got my interest, where is this place?" Bee asked, deciding to take a page out of Naruto's book and sleep around.

"Why, Konoha of course!" the hermit told him, much to Bee's incredulity. He had a hard time believing it, considering the various women from Konoha he had come across being just as frigid as the one's in Kumo.

"Really?" Bee asked, "You're telling me the you get laid in Konoha all the time?"

"Of course!" the hermit lied, pausing as if remembering something.

-flashback-

"Tsunade, what are you doing!?" he said, looking at her with wide eyes as she crawled under the covers with him. She was quite obviously drunk, absolutely reeking of alcohol.

"Jiraiya, I just can't help it," she slurred, much to his rising glee, "I haven't gotten any in way too long, I need it."

Jiraiya thanked Kami above for drunk Tsunade. He might regret it in the morning when she realized exactly what happened, but for now it was everything he ever dreamed of.

"Will you let me have you, Jiraiya?" Tsunade asked him. Jiraiya, ignoring her odd choice of words, nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course," Jiraiya said. He started to sit up, but Tsunade put her hand on his chest, pushing him down.

"No, no, let me do all the work," Tsunade said, almost purring, "I prefer being in control."

"Oh Tsunade, how dirty!" Jiraiya giggled. Tsunade just chuckled, then draped herself on top of him, putting her mouth by his ear. He could feel her hot breath when he heard her whisper five words that made his heart stop.

"Futanari Release: Tentacles no Jutsu."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

-end flashback-

"Hey, what's up, fool? You dozing off?"

The hermit shook his head, clearing away the memory. Of course, ever since that regretful night, he had swore off women from Konoha. But he did have a reputation to maintain.

"Ah, no, I just remembered something."

"What's that?"

"Oh, nothing. Just that some of the women there prefer… tentacles, I guess," he said, suppressing a shudder, "Anyway, I leave you with such information. Go forward friend, seek glory!"

Bee watched the man leave for a moment, when an idea struck him.

"Yo Killer Eight, did you hear that?" he said, talking to the eight-tails inside him, "The women in Konoha like the tentacle D. You thinking what I'm thinking?"

-end flashback-

"And well, that's why I'm here," Bee finished, "With the help of Killer Ox, there's a huge market for tentacle porn here in Konoha, so I came straight here."

Naruto recognized exactly who Bee had encountered, and he knew exactly how truthful the man had been; that was to say, not at all. He couldn't help but find it quite humourous.

"So when I got here and tried to set up my own studio, I was told that I needed to be a Konoha citizen and an Academy graduate to start an official company in the village," Bee continued to say, "and they said that I was obviously from Kumo and too old to enroll in the Academy. I was still able to apply for citizenship, but wouldn't be able to start my company without the approval of the Hokage's office. Of course, that would reveal who I really was."

"So I changed my clothes and my name to disguise who I was in case people recognized me, and I told them that I was ten years old, and that I had a bloodline limit that turned me into a big black man when I reached a certain age," Bee said, "They let me into the school, and I thought I was going to get away with it, but Fuu-senpai recognized me somehow."

Naruto wasn't sure exactly what to say to the man.

"So what are your immediate plans?" he asked.

"Well, I guess short-term I'm going to try to rise through the ranks, maybe I can get to third-in-command," Bee told him, only confusing Naruto further.

"Rise the… what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Fuu-senpai. She said that if I work hard enough, she might let me into her gang!" Bee said, enthusiastically, "Hey, you live with her, right Kyuuberella? You can put in a good word for me!"

"Bee… or no, sorry, Butterfly," Naruto said, "You're calling a ten-year-old girl 'senpai'. I'm the chief of the entire fucking Konoha police force, not to mention the Lord Uchiha."

"Oh, so it'll be really good coming from you! Just do me this solid man!"

"Dude, you realize that she's never actually going to let you in, right?" Naruto told him.

"Don't say that man! I know that if I just work hard enough, she'll finally acknowledge me!" Bee said desperately. Naruto just shook his head and walked away.

"Good luck Butterballs."

"It's Butterfly, damn it. Butterfly!"

As stupid as his situation was, Naruto knew Bee well enough that he could be left to his own devices. Naruto was certain that it was Jiraiya that Bee had run into, and Jiraiya was definitely not drowning in any poon tang, especially not in Konoha. Tsunade had already banned him from all the brothels, and he doubted any of the women here would even want to get naked in his vicinity.

So Naruto was curious as to how Bee might find a woman to make tentacle porn with him. That is if he was able to graduate from the Academy.

In any case, the blond had other things to focus on. He had met with Tsume a few days ago, and she had told him and Neji that their very first goal would be to create some positive PR for the new police force. The previous police force had been exclusive to the Uchiha clan, creating resentment from other people that might have also been qualified or interested in policing the village.

Naruto's police force accepted almost anyone, shinobi with or without clans as well as some civilians as well. There were even junior volunteers. It was still not the size of the original Uchiha police force, but it was certainly growing.

However, the problem did not lie with policing the population of Konoha, it was with policing the police force. The Uchiha clan was able to handle all matters internally because they all answered to the clan head. Naruto didn't quite hold that power, as much as he wanted to. He could do things like dock pay or fire his employees, but he couldn't really punish them in the way that a clan head could. Tsunade and Tsume had been adamant that he understood this, and even Naruto realized that he couldn't ignore this issue like he normally would.

A police force in quarrel with itself would lose support in the eyes of the general populace, thus Naruto was left with somehow having to be nice to people. It was horrible to say the least.

Naruto looked around, trying to find someone he could help when he spotted an old lady slowly trying to cross the street. Smiling in success, he immediately went over to her.

"Hey there young miss, mind if I accompany you?" he asked her, putting on his best smile. The lady giggled.

"Oh you flatterer," she said, "No thank you, I'm quite alright."

"No no, it won't be a problem," Naruto said, "Here, I'll help you across the street."

"My boy, I've been crossing this street for over 60 years," she told him, "Thank you for the offer, but I can still handle it."

Naruto just grinned.

"Well, you've never crossed it with me," he said, "There should be a first time for everything right?"

"Perhaps next time dearie. I'll be off now."

Naruto kept his grin, but was now gritting his teeth. This old crone. Nobody refused the Lord Uchiha. Fucking nobody.

He stepped forward and lightly put his hand on her arm.

"Come now, I insist," he said, "It's my duty as the chief of police to help citizens like yourself."

"I must insist as well," she replied, suddenly sounding cross, "I won't stand for this any more. Leave me be, boy."

Naruto's eye twitched.

"Lady, I'm helping you across this street."

"No you're not!"

Naruto glared at her. He strode forward, grabbing her from around her legs and picking her up bridal style.

"Put me down you ruffian! Put! Me! Down!" she yelled at him, punctuating each sentence by hitting him in the face with her handbag. Naruto grew more and more annoyed with every hit.

"Put you down? Fine, I can do that!" Naruto said, before rearing back and throwing her across the street, sending her bowling into a group of pedestrians.

"How's that you old crone!?" he yelled across the street, huffing.

"Oh my…"

"Did you see that? He just threw that old lady!"

"Is she dead?"

"Somebody call the police!"

"Wait a minute, isn't that…?"

Naruto realized he had done something incredibly stupid, so he ran away as fast as he could, swearing at the stubborn old lady all the while.

Grabbing the packet of ramen, Naruto exited the convenience store, jostling people as he exited.

"Hey, you're supposed to pay for that!"

"Oh yeah?" Naruto said, whirling around and giving the clerk an amused look, "Who're you going to complain to, the chief of police?"

The clerk could only watch helplessly as Naruto walked away, laughing.

It had been a fruitless endeavor. Naruto was just not cut out to be nice to people. Perhaps when he was still a naive little kid he might have done better, but he doubted even that. There were so many other people better suited for this kind of crap, so why had Tsume put him up to it? It was a stupid idea.

As Naruto trudged along the road, a ball rolled up to his feet. Giving in to his temper, he stepped forward and kicked it hard, sending it sailing into the air. He watch in satisfaction as he shattered the window of a nearby building and landing somewhere inside.

"Oh no, where did our ball go?" a child said, running up. A group of his friends came running up behind him.

"I think I saw it go into that building," another child said, looking at his friends with a worried expression. A girl whimpered when she heard him.

"What are we going to do, Itami-kun?" she asked, tugging on the sleeve of one of the boys, "You know we're not supposed to go in there."

Realizing that a golden opportunity had arisen, and one of his own making, Naruto stepped forward.

"Don't worry kids, I'll go get it," he said, smiling at them, "I'm the chief of police, nobody can stop me. Just make sure to tell your parents I helped you, okay?"

He could practically see the hearts in their eyes as they cheered, so Naruto confidently strode into the building, looking around to see if he could find anyone.

He had gotten all the way inside and there was not a single person to be found.

"What the hell…?" he said, not sure what to make of it, "I wonder what this place is?"

He walked around, still not finding anyone, but he did find the ball next to several crates of what seemed to be packaged flour.

"Huh, maybe this place is owned by some bakery?" Naruto wondered, wandering over and picking up the ball. He ran a finger across the top of one of the packages, picking up some of the flour and stuck it in his mouth.

His eyes widened dramatically at the taste.

Naruto walked down the street, deep in thought. Finding such a large amount of narcotics in Konoha was a precarious situation to be put into. He knew that he should immediately investigate the warehouse with the full force of his police force, but for someone to house this amount of cocaine in such a publicly accessible place meant that if the investigation was not handled delicately, he might not be able to apprehend the right people.

He would definitely need to consult Neji in private, and once they decided on a course of action, then Tsume and Tsunade could be clued in. Of course, he would have to 'discover' it once more before it got to that point, lest Tsume think he wasn't following procedure.

"Naruto!"

The blond looked up to see none other than Iruka walking up to him, an enormous smile on his face.

"It's been such a long time," Iruka said, putting a hand on Naruto's shoulder, "I heard you returned but I've just been so busy that I haven't been able to visit you."

Naruto smiled at him. Iruka did not see the vindictiveness in his smile.

"Hey there, Iruka," he replied, "Yeah, I had a lot on my plate as well, so I guess we're both to blame."

"You know," Iruka said, "I knew that you never really betrayed us. Even when people started to doubt you, I always believed in you. I really missed you, Naruto."

"Thanks Iruka," Naruto said, sounding touched. Iruka did not hear the vindictiveness in his voice.

"Oh yeah, remember that one time before I left you were going to treat me to a bowl of ramen, but then you left and I had to pay for both of them?" Naruto asked him. Iruka frowned, trying to remember the incident, trivial as it was.

"Oh, I think so," Iruka said, thinking back, "Sorry about that. Actually, one of my comrades, Ayumi, had been grievously injured at the time and had asked to see me. She was afraid she was going to die, but Hokage-sama managed to make yet another miracle and save her life."

"Actually," Iruka continued, smiling warmly, "We're sort of an item now. I can't wait for you two to meet, I'm sure you'll get along famously."

"Oh man, I'm so happy for you," Naruto said, "You got yourself a girlfriend, man, congratulations! When I had to pay for the ramen too!"

"Uhh, right," Iruka said, looking at him strangely.

"So what are you doing now?" Naruto asked, "Let's hang out like old times. Maybe go somewhere. Ichiraku's maybe?"

Naruto let out a very fake laugh, lightly elbowing Iruka in the ribs.

"Maybe you can treat me to the ramen you owe me," Naruto said jokingly. Little did Iruka know that it was not a joke in the slightest.

"Ah, actually I'm headed to the Academy right now," Iruka told him apologetically, "I've got a rowdy class this year and they require quite a bit of preparation and attention to deal with. Not to mention the new student. Butterfly-kun is such a sensitive boy, and I think the other children are picking on him."

Naruto hadn't known that Iruka was teaching Fuu, and by extension Bee. It only added to his incredulity that Bee's disguise managed to slip by even Iruka.

"But hey, maybe tomorrow?" Iruka suggested. Naruto's smile became slightly more sinister, but Iruka did not notice in the slightest.

"Nah, don't worry about it," Naruto said, "I'm quite busy nowadays, I'm afraid I'm completely unavailable tomorrow, and for who knows how long after. Right now was the best time for you to pay me back for the ramen that you owe me, but hey, who's keeping track, right?"

"Well," Iruka said, chuckling, "whenever you get some free time, let me know. Heh, maybe it'll be in a year."

"Haha," Naruto said, his tone completely dry, "A year. You'll treat me in a year. That's very funny Iruka. Anyway, I'll let you go to you class, and I guess I'll see you when I see you."

"Take care, Naruto," Iruka said, squeezing his shoulder again, "It was good seeing you again."

Naruto watched Iruka walk away, his face suddenly devoid of any smile. Nearby, a child cried as he sensed an overwhelmingly evil presence from the blond, but Naruto just ignored him.

He knew exactly what he would do.

Iruka walked home after a long day at the Academy. His class was as raucous and difficult as ever, and Iruka was almost certain that Fuu was the real troublemaker behind all the bullying going on, particularly on Butterfly. However, the students were oddly silent on the matter, even the so-called teacher's pet, as much as Iruka hated to label his students like that.

When he approached his apartment complex, he caught sight of a large amount of shinobi congregated outside, all wearing the new Uchiha police force uniform. Nearby, he caught sight of Naruto, who was conversing with one of his new recruits, a pretty young woman who was blushing slightly at whatever the blond was saying.

"Naruto," Iruka called out, walking over to the blond, "What's going on here?"

"Huh, what are you doing here, Iruka?" Naruto asked, dismissing the girl with a wave. She bowed before retreating to her fellow policemen, hands on her cheeks to cover her blush.

"I live here," Iruka told him, "Did something happen?"

"Well, we received an anonymous tip that somebody was storing and dealing a large amount of drugs out of an apartment from this complex, so I organized a bust," Naruto told him, "I had no idea you lived here."

"Hmm… that's odd," Iruka said, "I never noticed anything like that going on around here. Kind of scary if it's true."

They both paused as Neji approached the pair, a serious look on his face.

"Naruto," he said, looking at Iruka hesitantly, "We found…"

"Don't worry," Naruto said, "I'm sure Iruka won't say anything."

Neji nodded.

"Well, it seems your tipster was right. We found a large amount of cocaine in the apartment. Ishida is weighing it in now."

"Oh Kami," Iruka exclaimed, "I can't believe that something like that was happening so close to me."

"Yeah, about that…" Neji said, "Well, we found it in apartment number 203."

Iruka was taken aback.

"But… that's…"

"Your apartment," Neji said, finishing his thoughts, "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put you under arrest, Umino Iruka."

"There has to be some mistake," Iruka said, not believing his ears, "I mean, there's no way- I don't- I- I mean-"

"We found an empty bowl of ramen on top of the drugs, Iruka," Neji said, "And it's quite commonly known that you're indulgent of such fast food."

"But I didn't even have any ramen today," Iruka said, looking faint.

"I find that hard to believe," Neji said, "We found the packaging in the trash and a dirty pot on the stove."

Iruka's eyes immediately sought out Naruto, who had been watching the proceedings silently.

"Naruto… did you… is this because I didn't pay for your ramen!? You set me up!" Iruka said, looking at the blond disbelievingly. Naruto gave him a betrayed look.

"No, how could you even think that!?" Naruto said to him in an outraged tone, "You're like a father to me, Iruka-sensei. How could you think I could ever betray you like that!?"

Iruka paused, looking shocked.

"You're- you're right," Iruka said, slowly shaking his head, "I'm sorry Naruto, I should have trusted you. I'm just- I'm really confused right now. I think I'm being set up."

"Don't worry, I believe you, Iruka," Naruto said solemnly, before turning to Neji, "Let it be known, Neji, that I, the Lord Uchiha, do not believe that this man is guilty."

"Noted," Neji said dryly, and before he could continue, he was interrupted by a very cutesy female voice.

"Hi, is Iruka-sensei here?"

Everyone turned to the voice, finding two scantily-clad blondes standing there. They had on short jackets and shirts, skin-tight mesh pantyhose and bright red stiletto's. Very little was left to the imagination, and it was easy to see exactly what they were.

Neji held a hand out to Iruka, silencing him before he said anything.

"Yes, what exactly do you need with him?" he asked the two hookers, one of which who immediately covered her breasts.

"Hey, you're one of those creepy Huugor's right? With the eyes that can see through clothing?" she asked, giving Neji a dirty look, "Well I don't do free, buddy, so I better not see you using your eyes to peek at me under my clothes."

Neji frowned at the massive misconceptions the girl seemed to have, but Naruto just nodded.

"She's right, Neji," Naruto said quietly, "I'm afraid we can't afford to have any more bad PR right now."

"Any more?" Neji repeated, looking at the blond suspiciously. Naruto just ignored him.

"Now," Naruto said, giving the prostitutes a charming smile, "what exactly do you need with Iruka? You can tell me, there won't be any trouble."

"Well, he offered us a job, said we could work for him for better rates," one the blondes said, looking happy at the thought of extra money. Iruka gaped at her.

"What in the world… I did no such-"

"Iruka, let me handle this," Naruto interrupted him, "Just trust me."

Iruka didn't look happy, but quietened nonetheless.

"Okay, and was there anything else he told you?" Naruto asked. They both shook their heads.

"No," the same girl replied, "He really wanted us to work for him, though I kind of got the feeling that he was desperate to keep us to himself."

"Oh," the other spoke up, "and he told us that we could take a roll in the snow, whatever that means. I mean, when's the last time it snowed in Konoha?"

Neji's eyes widened, looking at Iruka in a new light. Iruka looked disturbed and flustered.

"Soliciting prostitutes outside of legally-mandated brothels is illegal," Neji said, "And taking a roll in the snow… sharing the drugs, I assume."

"Whoa, we had no idea it was illegal," one of the girl's said, backing up slightly, but Naruto quickly raised his hands in a placating gesture.

"Nothing to worry about girls," he told them in a soothing tone, "Now listen, why don't I talk to you about how exactly Iruka supposedly offered you this deal."

He walked up between them, putting his arms around his shoulders and leading them to a nearby alley.

"Come, let's talk in private," he told the girls, waggling his eyebrows causing them to giggle. As Naruto led the girls to the alley to question them in privacy, Neji just looked at Iruka skeptically.

"Neji, you have to believe me," Iruka said, looking like he might cry at any moment, "You have to believe that I didn't do this. I didn't do this."

Neji watched him silently, not sure what to believe.

"Backup!" Naruto's voice came from the alley. He stumbled out of the alley, a thin cut on his forehead and the hookers nowhere in sight. Neji and Iruka immediately ran to him, other policemen also converging on their boss.

"What happened?" Neji asked, immediately activating his Byakugan.

"They caught me by surprise with a kunai," Naruto said, clutching his forehead, "It seemed like they were shinobi, probably foreign ones from the make of their weaponry. I was able to dodge the worst of it, so they took off."

Neji paused as if looking for something.

"Well, they're not in my range," he said, sounding surprised. His Byakugan had one of the highest ranges ever recorded in Hyuuga history; for someone to escape it that fast, they must have been really quick on their feet.

"So…" Iruka said hesitantly, "What now?"

"I'm afraid we're going to have to add treason to your list of charges, Iruka," Naruto told him, looking apologetic.

"What!?" Iruka couldn't believe his ears. This could not be happening. What in the world would Ayumi think when she found out?

"Don't worry, Iruka," Naruto said, "I still believe in you. I'll help you in any way I can."

"What's going to happen to me, Naruto?" Iruka said, grabbing Naruto's arm to steady himself.

"I'm afraid… I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you to prison, Iruka," Naruto said, causing Iruka to wail, "But don't worry, I'll pull some strings and get you a relatively safe cell away from the more dangerous prisoners."

"Oh Kami," Iruka said, whimpering, "Why is this happening?"

Naruto slapped him across the face.

"Get a hold of yourself, Iruka!" he shouted, "Listen, I'm going to try to clear your name, but you need to smarten up and be strong."

"Now, if I recall correctly, there's an extra bed in the Legendary Stupid Brother's cell, right Neji?" Naruto asked. Neji just looked at him weirdly.

"I have no idea. How do you even know this?"

"All part of the job," Naruto said, "Now Iruka, I'm going to put you up with them. I know they're bigger and stronger than you, but you're a chuunin, and I know you're much smarter than them. You can handle it, I believe in you!"

Iruka gulped, but nodded.

"Thank you, Naruto. I… I'll do my best. I won't let you down. Just… just tell Ayumi I love her and that I'll be out soon, okay?"

Naruto put a hand on his shoulder in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. He beckoned over a couple of his subordinates.

"Cuff him and take him away," Naruto told them, "Put him with the Legendary Stupid Brothers."

Naruto and Neji stood in silence as a downtrodden Iruka was led away. Around them, the Konoha police force was busy with work, questioning residents and confiscating the evidence.

"Do you really think he's innocent?" Neji asked quietly, the first of the two to speak up. Naruto took a moment to reply.

"How the fuck should I know?" Naruto eventually said, shrugging, "C'mon, let's go get some food. How does Ichiraku sound?"

"Does it have to be ramen yet again?" Neji said, "I'm tired of paying for ramen."

"Tell you what," Naruto said, "It'll be my treat."

Neji looked taken aback.

"Well, now that's different. Ramen it is."

Naruto smiled.

Naruto and Neji strolled through the lane, receiving retched looks from some of the inmates as they walked past their cells. Neji had told Naruto he had received some information regarding what might possibly be some serious criminal activity, and Naruto had told him to meet up at the prison. It was one of the places where Naruto was able to find his zen (the other being a brothel). There was just something about all these people hating him but unable to do anything to him while he taunted them as much as he wanted that lifted his mood.

"So?" Naruto asked, sighing in contentment, "What is it you wanted to talk about?"

"We just made a discovery," Neji said, speaking softly, "Ever since Iruka was arrested, we've been on the lookout for more criminal activity, especially since we know what kind we are dealing with. It just so happens that one of our men discovered a storehouse of sorts."

"Hmm? I'm assuming you found some more cocaine," Naruto commented idly, smiling pleasantly at a snarling prisoner.

"Not just some," Neji replied seriously, "A lot. However, there seemed to be some missing, and it looks to be just the right amount that Iruka had."

"And what does that tell you?" Naruto asked.

"I can think of three possibilities," Neji said, "Either we found where Iruka's supplier was storing the product, Iruka found it by accident and took off with what he could carry… or he was set up."

"Iruka was interrogated, I assume?"

"Yes. It seems that the latter is most likely," Neji said, "But it isn't so simple. This will have repercussions."

"What kind of repercussions?" Naruto asked sharply, narrowing his eyes.

"Well, you publically gave your support for Iruka's innocence, even though he seems guilty" Neji said, "Not to mention that there have been some complaints about your leadership. If there is a crime syndicate out there, then Iruka was the prime candidate to be set up."

"A crime syndicate, eh?" Naruto said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "Yes, that seems like it would make sense."

"The new police chief suddenly being caught with cocaine seems too obvious," Neji reasoned, "You would be a bad target. Iruka had some distant ties to you, but people know that he was your teacher, and that you were his favourite student. Whoever is in charge knew that framing Iruka would turn suspicions on to you, that it would hurt your rep. Not that you didn't hurt that already."

"So you're saying that there is some sort of crime boss out there that framed Iruka to try to discredit me?" Naruto asked, "I'd have to agree. Somebody else out there framed Iruka."

"Else?" Neji quoted, raising an eyebrow. Naruto just ignored him.

"So what's the next plan of action?"

Neji just shook his head.

"Before we can proceed any further, you have to get your reputation out of the gutter," Neji said, "Tsume's already asked for the both of us to come in, and she doesn't sound happy. And I'll be honest, she scares the shit out of me."

Naruto waved him off.

"Don't worry about her," Naruto said, grinning, "I know how to deal with the cougars."

Tsume was, of course, the last person Naruto would want to fuck with. He had no idea what he was about to get himself into.

"Your funeral," Neji said, shrugging.

"Come on, Neji, let's get out of here," Naruto said, as they walked past the last cell, well away from the others. As they headed towards the exit, Naruto overheard some voices from the inmates.

"Use your teeth and lose your teeth."

"You're gonna make a purty wife for us."

Naruto glanced at the cell number, hearing a third voice whimpering. It looked awfully familiar to him, but he couldn't place where he knew it from. He just shrugged and exited.

AN: Yep.

Man I was tempted to end the author's notes there, but I have some things to say. First of all, the format in which this is written: this fic is meant to be viewed on narrower pages as opposed to stretching to fill your screen. Since I read all my fics on a phone, the paragraphs seem longer to me than it might be to someone reading it on a larger-screened device. Hell, even writing it on Google Docs there is still a narrower margin, so just a fair warning that the paragraphs might seem short and weirdly-lengthed unless you're reading this in a way that allows for narrower pages.

So again, my update speeds aren't the greatest. I wrote most of this chapter in the past few days. I mean, I started this maybe a week after I uploaded my previous chapter. And up until a few days ago, I had maybe a little over 800 words written. Three or four days later, it's a little over 8000 including this AN. As easy as people might think it is to write this fic, it's not. It requires careful planning to write this. Whenever I (and Az and Ageant and not Dream) are brainstorming this fic, we inevitably go too far with some of the jokes. For example, when we came up with the idea that Naruto had his named tattooed onto Bee's ass, it eventually led to Naruto jokingly tricking Bee into forced servitude and doing things like picking cotton. Or perhaps where Naruto secretly prescribes to the Aryan philosophy because of his blond hair and blue eyes. We're the scum of the earth, so we found that hilarious.

And other ideas just pop up from it, like possible fics for us to write, such as one about Naruto having Downs Syndrome and Sasuke being made to take care of him, which is why he defects ("Why you leave me, Sakuse?" "Because I'm tired of cleaning up after your shit! Literally, you shit your pants every fucking day, Naruto, and I'm the one that has to wipe your ass! And will you get my fucking name right!?"). Or another where Naruto is born black, so Minato seals Kyuubi into him to spite Kushina for obviously cheating on him ("I'm sorry Minato, I'm a speed freak. A was just so fast, I couldn't help it!" or "Oh, I know why everybody hates me. It's pretty fucking obvious why. I mean, if you compare me to everyone else, there's one important difference, isn't there? You motherfucking racists." etc...). It's kind of miraculous that I haven't written the word 'nigga' into this story yet. It'll happen eventually.

The very basis of this story is that Naruto is a utter douche. Just a massive scumbag. He still cares about the people important to him, but it doesn't change that he's an asshole. For example, what just happened with Iruka. If you didn't get it, Naruto framed him. He pretty much just ruined Iruka's life because Iruka made him pay for a bowl of ramen that was meant to be a treat. In a serious story, that kind of thing would not fly, it would have very serious repercussions. But this is What's New. Iruka being made to do some rather unpleasant things in a jail cell for the Legendary Stupid Brothers because he didn't pay for Naruto's bowl of ramen? It's fucking perfect. There won't really be any consequences for Naruto, because it's not really meant to be taken seriously. But because of the type of humour this fic employs, believe it or not, there is a balance that must be struck. Some jokes (like the ones I listed before) can't be used, thus it takes time to put out these chapters.

There's tons of shit planned for this story. Of course, the entire history Kishi wrote for the manga has been changed, and for the better I think. Madara's and Hashirama's storyline is now as well as Konoha's history is now absolutely hilarious. Itachi's story as well as Danzo's and Sarutobi's stories are also similarly amazing. Some people might not like what I'm going to do with it though. Just remember that I'm writing these things in because I think they're funny. So in case someone is offended by what you have or will end up reading, just realize that nothing is meant to be offensive, it's all in good fun. And if you can't accept that, then I'll tell you what a good friend (Ageant) told me: nobody has the right to not be offended. He also called me a faggot and told me to eat a dick several times, so there's that too.

Anyway, I hope you had fun, and be sure to review!

knuckz