A/N: A big thank you to everyone who has reviewed. You are all my heroes. I am so surprised by the number of reviews that I have gotten and all of the people that have put this story on their favotites and alerts. Thank you to everyone. This chapter is a little longer than most of the others. I hope you enjoy it, and please review.
Summary: Dean remembered everything he had forgotten due to the blow to his head. Dean was so angry at Sam for betraying his trust and he proceded to ignore Sam for most of the day. Sam stayed in angiush for most of the day, afraid he had permanently hurt his relationship with his brother/ new lover. Sam fell asleep and had a nightmare that Dean left him forever. Dean woke Sam up, seemingly worried about him. They went to a motel, and Dean fell asleep, leaving Sam to his thoughts. Sam tossed and turned until he heard Dean moan. He was about to wake him up, when Dean revealed that he was dreaming about having sex with Sam. Sam was confused as to why Dean would do that, and became determined to talk to Dean the next day.
Chapter 10
Sam awoke to large amounts of sunshine hitting his face. Shielding his eyes with his hand, he sat up, grumbling that he would never sleep by a window ever again. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he looked at the clock by the bed. It took a moment to focus his eyes, but he finally managed to read the time.
'Eight in the morning?' Sam groaned inwardly. 'My eyes feel like their on fire. Even though I slept while we were in the car, I didn't get much sleep last night.'
Trying to wake up, Sam stood up and began to stretch, popping his back in the process. After undoing some of the kinks in his body, Sam yawned as he turned to look at Dean's bed. To his surprise, it was empty. Sam's blood ran cold as hundreds of different implications ran through his head.
'Oh, god, where did he go? What if he ran away? What if he's hurt? He wouldn't leave without telling me goodbye, would he? God where could he be? He could be injured, or worse, dead, and I would have no idea.'
At this point Sam's mind felt the need to show him every possible way Dean could have gotten hurt. At first it was simple, like a broken ankle, but as time passed by Sam began to pace around the apartment, thinking that what if he had been attacked by a demon or a werewolf. Maybe a vampire got to him. After an hour had passed, Sam was sure something had happened. He dressed, determined to find Dean as soon as he could. He made his way to the door, but right before he got to it, the door swung open, startling Sam. He looked into the doorway and felt relief pour over him. There stood Dean, bags in his left hand, but otherwise unharmed. Before Sam could help himself, he had pulled Dean into a crushing bear hug.
"Thank god, I was worried about you. I didn't know where you were. God, you scared the hell out of me. I was so scared you were hurt or killed"
Dean seemed surprised by the action, but made no move to do anything else. He just stood there, not moving, mot responding. After a moment, Dean spoke up.
"You mind letting me go, Sam?" Dean, said, his voice cold. Sam froze as he realized what he had just done. Moving away from Dean he fumbled for an apology.
"Sorry about that. I was just worried. You left without telling me."
Dean rolled his eyes. "I've done it before. Never seemed to bug you."
Sam pulled away even further, hurt by Dean's tone. He knew his brother was hurting, and that he deserved it, but Dean's cold, emotionless voice hurt him. Sam moved away from the door so Dean could come in. Without a word, Dean got inside the motel room and put the bags down on the kitchen table. Sam watched as Dean began to slowly pull things out of the bag. He realized what Dean had done. He had gone to buy breakfast. Sam would have laughed at some point if this had happened in the past, but right now, nothing seemed funny. Sitting opposite of Dean he grabbed the take out container Dean had handed to him. Sam opened the container and began to eat in silence. Dean sat down and ate in equal silence. Sam kept watching Dean, trying to get up the courage to talk to him. However, now that he was here, Sam realized that he had no idea how to begin. He felt the same uncomfortable feeling he had been feeling all of yesterday settle in the pit of his stomach. Unsure of how to begin, Sam simply continued to eat until Dean broke the silence.
"Is there a reason why you keep staring at me?"
"Wh-what?" Sam managed to stutter out. Dean's sudden speaking caused his throat to tighten.
"Never mind, forget it." Dean replied, eyes cold. Dean pushed away his food and stood up, moving toward the restroom.
Sam shot up from his seat and tried to stop Dean.
"Dean, wait" Sam said, grabbing Dean's right hand, trying to get Dean to stop. As soon as he grabbed Dean's hand, he felt Dean's muscles tighten and his face contort in a small grimace of pain. Immediately, Sam pulled his hand away as if he had been burned. Dean sighed and gently put his right hand into the pocket of his jacket as he turned around. Sam was surprised. What had just happened?
"What is it, Sam?" Dean said, his jaw clenched in what seemed like pain.
"What was that?" Sam asked, wondering what had just occurred.
"What was what? Hurry up; I don't have all day to be talking to you." Dean's voice was expressionless and his eyes cold. Sam pushed down the hurt that was sent flaring through his system and instead chose to focus on Dean's hand.
"What's wrong with your hand?" Sam asked, hoping in vain Dean would just give in.
"Nothing, my hand's fine."
"Fine my ass. Let me see your hand."
Dean hesitated for a moment, before seeming to decide that fighting was just not worth it. Dean slowly pulled his hand out of his pocket and held it out for Sam to see. Dean's hand was covered in bandaging. Slowly undoing the bandage, Sam removed it all so he could get a look at Dean's hand. What he saw made him sick to his stomach. Dean's knuckles were a sickening dark blackish purple, a color flesh should never be. Gently feeling the hand, Sam gingerly touched it, earning another grimace from Dean.
"What happened?" Sam asked still examining the hand.
"Nothing" Dean responded, snatching his hand away from Sam in a child-like gesture.
"Dean, please, just talk to me. That isn't nothing. Did you do that yourself?"
"This isn't any of your business, Sam. Stay out of where you're not welcome."
"Dean, it is my business if you're hurting yourself. I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt." Sam couldn't help but feel hurt that Dean would tell him to stay out. He tried to shake it off while he made another attempt to talk to Dean.
"What happened? To your hand I mean."
"Nothing happened to my hand. It'll heal in a few days. Forget about it"
"Dean, please, just tell me."
"Look, I already told you, it'll be fine. Just let it be."
"Did you do that because of what happened? Your amnesia and all of that?" Sam said in a soft voice. He knew that sounded callous, but he needed a way to begin, and he knew Dean wouldn't speak until Sam pushed him against the wall.
"I'm not talking to you about that. I already told you, I don't feel like it. This is the last time I'm telling you. Drop it." Dean's voice was low, dangerous. Sam couldn't help but feel slightly foolish as he continued.
"Dean, we need to talk about what happened. You can't pretend like nothing's wrong"
Dean turned around and Sam jumped slightly. Dean's face showed so much anger that Sam felt slightly afraid. While he was sure Dean would never hurt him, he remembered that, while Dean had more patience than he did, Dean's temper was far more dangerous.
"Sam, for once in your fucking life, just learn to drop it. You always push and push until I snap. I already told you, forget it. Why won't you just…you know what, screw this"
Dean pushed his way passed Sam, trying to get to the door of the motel room. Sam grabbed Dean's right arm, making sure to stay clear of his hand and tried to stop Dean.
"Dean, I can't just drop it. This is important. Please, I want to apologize and…" but Sam was cut off by Dean.
"Oh, you're sorry? Well fucking great, that fixes everything." Dean said, his tone sarcastic
"Dean…"Sam tried again, but Dean ignored him as he went on.
"Yeah, so long as you're sorry it doesn't matter."
"Dean, please, be serious. You…we need to talk about this."
"You really want to talk about this Sam? You really want to talk about how much of an asshole you were? How you took advantage of me?"
"Dean, it wasn't like…You just need to release everything. You can't keep this bottled up."
"It's worked for me before" Dean snapped, pulling on his arm, but Sam had a firm grip on it.
"Dean. You know as well as I do that it doesn't work. Just talk to me." Sam pleaded, knowing he was pushing his luck.
"God damnit Sam! For once, can't you just understand? Why the fuck do you have to keep pushing?! I don't want to talk about this. I really don't." Dean yelled, causing Sam to flinch and release Dean's arm. To his surprise, Dean didn't pull away, but instead he stayed right where he was, too angry to think.
"Even if you don't, I know it'll help. Just please. I don't want you to hold things in inside anymore. I really do care about you."
To Sam's surprise, Dean began to laugh.
"You're so fucking confusing. You know that Sam? First you win my trust. Then you screw me over. Now you're worried about me. What the fuck is it with you?"
"Dean, listen. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never meant to screw you over. Please, you have to understand. I'm so sorry."
"And now we're back to sorry. Why the hell do you keep saying that? Don't tell me it's because you mean it."
Sam was taken aback by the vehemence in Dean's voice. Trying to recover, Sam began to speak once again.
"Dean, of course I mean it. I'm so sorry I hurt you. What I did was wrong and I deserve anything you say or do."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"It's not bull Dean. I really am sorry"
"Then why did you do it?" Dean's voice lowered an octave, becoming quieter.
"That…well…" Sam stuttered, but before he could continue Dean cut him off.
"Tell me something Sam. What the hell was going through your head when you decided to screw with me?" Dean's voice dropped even more. At this point it was no more than a whisper.
"Dean, I never meant to screw with your head. I never meant for any of this to get so out of hand."
"I…I don't want…" however, before Dean could say what he wanted, Sam cut him off.
"Dean, I heard you. While you were dreaming." Sam said, hoping that Dean might be caught off guard and hoping he could get Dean to talk about what was going on in his head.
"What?" Dean asked, his voice sounding suddenly afraid.
"You were dreaming about me, weren't you?" Sam asked, hoping Dean would give him a straight answer.
"I…I…" unexpectedly tears began to stream down Dean's face. Sam's heart jumped when he saw the tears and moved a hand to wipe them away. However, Den swatted his hand away roughly.
"Don't touch me, Sam"
"Dean…"Sam didn't understand what was going on, but he was certain about one thing. He had broken Dean's mask. Whatever would come after this is what they would have to deal with.
"Yeah, Sam, are you happy? I'm a freak. I'm a sick bastard who's in love with his brother. I can't get you out of my head and I dream about sleeping with you. God, why did you do this to me? I could have kept this hidden. I could have kept ignoring this, but then you came and everything screwed up." The tears were falling fast and hard now, and Dean's eyes were so full of pain. Dean's voice rose in pitch several times, breaking the words into bits, and it sounded raw, like the inside of Dean's throat had been scratched.
"Dean, what do you mean?" Sam closed his eyes for a moment. Seeing his brother look like he was in pain made him feel horrible and the fact that he had caused it just made him feel even worse.
"I could have kept ignoring all of it. I could have kept pretending that what I felt was just what any older brother would feel for his little brother."
"What?" Sam asked confused.
'He didn't know we were brothers. What does he mean?'
"Yeah, Sam, I've liked you ever since we were kids. When we got older and you were in high school I kept getting these weird feelings. I…was falling in love with you, although I kept denying it. We're related. We're brothers. I've watched out for you since we were kids. I've taken care of you since before you can remember and as long as I can remember, but I guess it's normal. I really didn't have a connection with anybody else. Dad was there, but he was so obsessed with hunting. I never spoke to anyone else. Not for real. I…never opened up to anyone before but you. That made you my only friend I guess."
Sam gasped, shocked.
'Since high school? For that long? Same as me?'
"I was going to tell you. I didn't think I could keep denying it for very longer. But…then you left. And I was left. Alone. I was so happy for you. You could have the life you always wanted, away from hunting and monsters, but I was left behind. I…sort of shut down after that. Dad thought I was mad at you, but…I just thought at that point that you should stay away from us and be happy. And I learned to keep things inside. It took me so long, but I managed to suppress what I felt about you."
"Why didn't you come after me?" Sam asked softly
Dean wiped his eyes with his arm before he continued.
"I almost did. I went up there a few times. I would drive up and I was going to tell you. But when I saw you there, happy, I didn't want to take that away from you, so I would leave every time. I watched you laugh with some of your friends and I couldn't help it. I would smile, so happy that you were, but so sad that I couldn't make you happy." Even though Dean had tried to wipe away the tears, it didn't matter. They continued to fall, sliding down his cheeks, trails of sadness and pain.
"You should have talked to me." Sam stated quietly.
"I did, remember? I sent you letters every now and then. You never replied. After a while, Dad just told me to face that you forgot about us and you didn't want to hear from me anymore. That was the day I buried what I had felt about you and I threw myself fully into hunting, to distract myself until I could forget."
Sam felt sadness sweeping through his entire body. Tears began to prick the back of his eyes again, but he forced them down. He could break down later. Right now he had to focus on Dean and trying to fix what he had done.
'I was right. The reason Dean learned to bottle things up is because of me. Although I never expected it was because he was in love with me.'
"Then Dad went missing. I was so nervous when I thought about going up to your college to tell you. At first I thought I couldn't do it, but before I knew it, I was knocking on your door. When I saw you, everything came back in a rush. Everything I had managed to hide and place deep inside of me came out again. I was actually thinking about telling you. That night, while we were talking about dad I almost blurted it out. Then Jess walked in and I realized that I should just keep my mouth shut. I tried to push everything down and instead focused on the mission. When I saw how hesitant you were about leaving your life, I wanted to take it all back and just leave. I could have found Dad on my own and just left you to your happy life. But I wanted to see you and…I thought that at least we could be brothers… or friends like we were before you left. When I saw how you reacted when Jess died I decided that I would force the feelings to disappear. It was hard at first, but I managed to keep everything down. I still dreamt about you, but you never woke up. I was glad for small mercies. I liked to mess with you though, like when we met Margaret. At times like that I could pretend and be happy. Every time I helped you with your nightmares, I convinced myself that even if I couldn't be…with you I could at least help you out. I was happy being able to do that." Dean's eyes had glazed over at this point. Tears still fell, but his eyes seemed far away, as though watching everything he was talking about.
"Dean…" Sam was speechless. Dean was finally opening up to him. And everything he was telling him was just overwhelming. The sheer emotion in Dean's voice, the sadness, the defeated tone, and the false happiness was enough to make Sam want to take Dean away from all of it. Take him away from all of it permanently and make him smile again, laugh again.
"And then I lost my memory. When I woke up, I have to admit, I was kind of scared. I didn't know anything. Where I was, why I was there. But when I saw you all of that went away. Just the sight of you was enough to calm me down. When I called out to you and you hugged me, it made me nervous, and a little flustered. When I didn't know what was going on, you helped me to try to understand, at least at the time I thought you were. I know better now." Sam felt a pang of guilt, but Dean continued to speak.
"You told me things and I just accepted them as the truth. I trusted you without a second thought and I couldn't understand why, but I didn't care. I…I ended up falling in love with you again. And when I acted on it and you pushed me away, I was so scared. I had alienated the only person who knew me and so I ran, angry at you and myself. When you found me I wanted to ignore you, but you saved me from that guy and then you kissed me. When we went back and then we talked, you made me understand, but I didn't know why you were so hesitant. When…when we had sex, it was the best feeling I had ever felt. It felt like fire, like lighting, like flying, and like so much more. It was exciting, it was terrifying, and it was…I still can't describe it. It was so soft and you were so gentle. It made me feel like…I don't know, like I was special. When we woke up, I felt so happy. I had sex with someone I truly loved and that was different than any of the other times I had done it, although I didn't remember at the time that I had had sex. I guess that makes it the equivalent to my first time."
Sam had millions of question swirling through his head, but he knew they would have to wait. He didn't want to interrupt Dean and he still needed to explain how sorry he felt.
"Then I remembered everything. It was so painful. It felt like someone was driving a knife through my head. I just wanted it to go away. Things kept flashing through my head and I kept seeing things I had done. At first I didn't understand, but then it was like everything fell into place. I remembered everything. It was like taking my body back from someone, but at the same time being the person who had stolen my body. When everything fell into place and I remembered what had happened, what we had done…I felt so hurt. At first I couldn't believe you could do something like that, but then everything clicked. Why Sam? Why would you do that to me?"
"Dean, I never meant to hurt you. I…I didn't tell you that we were brothers for a selfish reason. I'm so sorry. The next day, I felt so guilty about it and I tried to tell you, but that flashback seemed like too much for you and you asked me not to say anything new until you felt you were ready."
"You still should have told me Sam. I didn't deserve to be kept in the dark. Why didn't you tell me? What was your important reason? What was so important you lied to me? Told me we were friends? Made me fall in love with you? Why?" Dean's voice began to rise in anger again, his face contorting in anger, even though tears still fell from his eyes.
"Dean, I didn't tell you because…I…" Sam was so nervous about what he was about to say. What if, in anger, Dean just shunned him? However before he could continue Dean interrupted him.
"Well, what was it? Out with it!" Dean demanded
"I…it was because…" Sam felt his throat become dry and closed up. He couldn't form the words, fear overtaking him. Dean began to speak once again, in a voice full of anger.
"That's what I haven't been able to figure it out. Why would you lie to me? Why would you do something like that? What were you thinking? That it would be fun to mess with me? What was going through your head? 'Hey he doesn't know what's going on, and he seems to like me. I could have some fun with this.' Is that what you were thinking? Is that why you turned me into your little fuck toy? To have some fun with me? So that you could get laid whenever you fucking pleased? Was that it?"
"No! Dean it wasn't like that at all!" Sam was shocked Dean could ever think that he would ever do anything like that.
'Although what else could it look like to him considering the way I acted?'
"Really? It wasn't?" Dean's voice was incredulous as if daring Sam to say he was wrong.
"Dean, I would never do anything like that to you."
"Then why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie to me? Why?!" Dean's voice, soft and angry at first, became harsh and demanding at the end.
"Because…Because I thought I might finally have a chance with you." Sam stated, forcing his eyes to stay focused on Dean, even though he would like nothing more than to look away.
'This is it. Whatever he says now will either be the end of our relationship or the beginning of something new. I'm leaving everything in Dean's hands. I deserve whatever he says now. He's in love with me, or at least he was. That makes me so happy. But what if my mistake costs me everything? What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? I love him. I will always be in love with him. I hope that whatever he decides makes him happy. Even if it breaks my heart' Sam braced himself for whatever Dean would say next.
"What?" Dean whispered, all anger gone, instead replaced by confusion. Sam grabbed Dean and led him to one of the beds where they sat down. Luckily, Dean seemed too confused to protest.
"I…I love you Dean. I've…I've always loved you. I fell in love with you in high school. At first it was just admiration, but then it began to change over time. Eventually it changed into love and lust. It terrified me. At first I denied it, but after a while I knew I couldn't just make my feelings disappear. They intensified as soon as I accepted them, so I have to assume that I've always felt this way, and only noticed it when I got into high school. I…I was afraid. I have always wanted a normal life, but I want to be with you even more. But I was afraid you would reject me. I couldn't stand the thought of you being disgusted by me. So I left when I was done with high school."
Tentatively, Sam reached out to touch Dean's shoulder. When he didn't move or flinch, Sam took it as a good sign and moved his hand to wipe the tears that began to flow even faster now. Sam felt tears prick the backs of his eyes as he continued to recall, and this time, he let them fall. Moving so he could rest against the backboard of the bed, Sam gently pulled Dean to his chest, reveling in the fact that Dean let him. Hugging him tight, Sam continued his narrative.
"I almost went back so many times. I had finally gotten the normal life I had always wanted, but it felt so empty without you. After a while I managed to suppress my feelings, although I thought of you almost every day. I did get those letters you sent me."
"Then why didn't you ever respond?" Dean's voice came out soft and broken
"I was scared. I tried, but every time I wrote one, I would toss it out. It was better you thought that I didn't want to remember you than you know that I was in love with you. At least that's what I thought"
"What about Jess?" Dean asked, seemingly afraid. Sam felt a pang of guilt at the sound of her name, but he pushed it down. He had to focus on Dean now. She would have wanted that anyway.
"She and I were…never together. Everyone thought we were, and she pretended that we were, but it was all a lie. When I got there, the both of us bonded really quickly. She and I had a lot of the same interests and it really helped. She became my best friend and my confidant. I told her…everything, except for the demons and such. She didn't deserve to know horrible things like that. When I told her I was in love with you, I was afraid she would reject me, but she just said ok. I thought she was crazy, but she just said 'Who am I to judge how you find love? The world is changing. Who knows what might happen? Something that may seem wrong now may change into something natural later. If you find love, you should tell them what you're feeling, no matter who they are. True love is rare, and when it is found, it should always be cherished. Hold on to it tight, before it escapes forever and you're left with nothing but regret. If you let it escape, or if you never get a chance to say it, then your entire life will be plagued with what ifs. No one should ever live like that.' When I asked why she was doing this for me, she just said that she didn't feel like being with someone during college, and that I would drive anyone away. It was kind of a joke with us. She helped set me up on dates with some guys, but no one ever caught my eye. There were a few nights where I would sleep with them in what was usually drunken sex, but it never became anything. They paled in comparison to you. I was stuck in love with you. And when I saw you, the feelings resurfaced. I've tried to keep them down, but it was getting harder and harder. When I saw a chance I took it. I am so sorry I would ever do something like that to you. You don't deserve to be lied to. Not now, not ever. Please, forgive me. What I did was wrong. I know that now, but I was just so desperate. I'm sorry." Sam kissed the crown of Dean's head, trying to show Dean how much he cared with the simple gesture.
"Sammy…" Dean said, using the nickname for the first time since he had gotten his memory back. His tears had stopped, but here were still tear stains on his face.
"Do you hate me?" Sam asked, tentatively.
"That's what frustrates me the most. No matter what you would do, I would never hate you. I love you too much to hate you."
"So do you forgive me?"
Dean didn't respond.
"Please, Dean, give me another chance. I…if you love me too, then I want to ask for another chance. I know I don't deserve it. Please, I want a chance to do this right. No lies. No deception. Just you and me."
"…No" Dean said, his voice small and sad.
"What?" Sam said, his heart clenching painfully.
"I…can't."
"Dean…" Sam said, his heart beginning to break. Before he could continue, Dean spoke, pulling away from him. Tears began to fall once more from Dean's eyes, but he wiped them away before they could continue.
"Sam, I can't. I love you. I can't stop thinking about you, but…I don't think I can trust you. If you took advantage of me while I didn't know what was going on, what else would you do?"
"Dean, please, just give me another chance." Tears began to stream down Sam's cheeks faster and faster as he felt fear, cold fear that Dean would reject him.
"I…can't. I'm so scared that if I trust you, I'll get hurt again. And I can't stay here with you and not wonder what it would be like… if we were together."
"Dean, please…I love you" Sam said, his voice breaking and his hands trembling.
"I love you too, but…I'm sorry, Sam. I…I think we should go different ways. Hunting isn't right for someone like you. You're too fragile. Everything affects you too much. You should go back to your college life. I'll take care of the Demon and Dad. I know you'll be happier that way."
Sam watched, stunned as Dean made his way to the door, unable to form words. Sam watched as Dean seemed to hesitate, turning around, sorrow and regret filling his eyes before opening the door and walking out, breaking Sam's heart to pieces as he left.