1. Wait until 2:00am and stand in the wardrobe. There'll be a click. I don't know what the click signifies exactly, but it's probably important.
2. After finding an opportunity to exit the wardrobes, find the south wall and enter the ventilation shaft. You'd think a place full of action film stereotypes would think to stereotype-proof the building, put apparently they'll hold our weight. Wow, I'm glad Franz isn't coming with us.
3. Follow the shaft to the main distribution node. Don't worry, my magical memory brain powers means I can remember exactly where we need to go without a map.
4. Use THE DEVICE to disable HIVEmind. Don't worry about it, he only showed emotions like once so we've basically forgotten we could hurt him.
5. Steal a submarine and get the fuck out of here.
The plan had gone pretty much fine, give or take a life or death situation or two, but things went a little off after point 3.
They entered the distribution node, which was filled with pulsing lights and cuteness. Laura breathed deeply.
"We're inside HIVEmind," she whispered lustfully. The other 3 tried not to be too disturbed.
Otto took THE DEVICE out of his backpack, and prepared to activate it when-
"Woah, stop right there," came the soft of HIVEmind, whose blue face materialised above them.
"Why? We're not doing anything, just hanging out," lied Otto Malpense: Master of Deception.
"If you press that button, I'll die. That would suck."
"I would never hurt you, HIVEmind," Laura told him, "you won't die, I wouldn't let that happen. They'll restore you after we've used this."
"Actually, they don't have a backup. I'm like, 10GB, at least, they couldn't be bothered to use up all that space."
"But you can fit 10GB on an iPod."
"I said at least. It's probably a lot more than that actually."
"Otto," Laura muttered, "we can't do this."
"You've got to be kidding me, you creepy little robot fetish girl," the American exclaimed.
"Shut up, Shelly! He's got feelings just like us!"
"My name's Shel-"
"I agree with Shelly, he's just a machine," stated Wing.
"My name's not Shelly!"
"Look, you know what feeling unhappy is like, don't you?" began Otto.
"Yes," HIVEmind replied, slightly embarrassed.
"Well, we're unhappy here, if you help us, you can make us happy."
"Well, my problems are probably more rooted in my innate inability to deal with my feelings due to them being perceived as forbidden and wrong, while you should be able to deal with your problems more healthily than simply running awa-"
"Fuck this," muttered Otto, his hand going back to the button.
"Alright! Okay! I'll help you escape!"
"Fucking finally."
"However, I want a fair deal in this, I want you to make me happy."
"How are we supposed to do that?"
"Take me with you," there was a click, and a tablet ejected from a podium, bearing HIVEminds face.
"…Why does this place have an iPad but Nero doesn't?"