Something to live for

by: Jessica -

"It's hopelessly painful
To wait,
To hope and to take
Each morning you wake up
And you wish this nightmare away
And it's just a waste of time
To turn to God
To pray that he'll take you instead
It's useless to pray"
(From "Where were you" by Kristofer Åström)

-

Note: This is Lorelai's POV
I walk the path to the car determined to not look back.
They had send me a car to pick me up as soon as I decided to go.
It wasn't like I ran away.
The choice was made carefully.
All I did was let go. All I did was chosing not to fight.
Maybe I'm weak.
I don't know.
But I'm saving myself this time.

My hands tremble a little as I reach out my hand to open the cardoor."Lorelai"
I stop, with my hand resting on the doorhandle.
It feels like my feet is glued to the ground.
All I have to do is open the door and a new part of my life will start.
"I know that I say the wrong and stupid things but"

"Luke"
I stood with my back turned afraid that if I looked at him now I would surely fall.
"It's just"
"Don't do this"
"I can't just let you leave"
"You have to"
"Please"
"Just go"
"Lorelai"
I turned around.

I don't know why I acted as I did.
Our eyes met.
I needed to distance myself from this man.
I needed to burn my bridges.
"No...You can't fix this. I'm not one of your prodjects"
"What are you talking about"
"You can't just come into my life and think you can fix everything just by telling me that you love me...It doesn't work that way"
"I wasn't"
"Oh, please...You only said does thing because you thought it might help me get over everything"
"No"
"Don't lie"
"I'm not lying! I told you the truth"
"Who do you think you are coming here on your high horse trying to act all nobel?! Saving the poor little Lorelai"
"You need help! All I did was-"
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP"
"Lorelai"
He moved closer.
His eyes were dark
My voice was hoarse as I spoke:
."I know what they all are saying...That I have finally lost it"
Our eyes met.
"Nobody is saying that"
"Why can't she just snapp out of it? It's been almost a year"
"That's not true..Nobody is"
"Oh, give it a rest...I know what they all are thinking....And you to"
"All I want is to help you"
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD"
I backed away from him, afraid that if he touched me now I would surely fall apart.
And I couldn't do that.
I was so tired of falling, of gasping for air, trying to breathe, trying to keep my head above water.
His eyes pierced into me.
"Stop it"
"LEAVE! JUST GO AWAY"
I moved fast and put my hands on his chest and pushed him away from me.
"No, I will not go away...Not this time...I will not stand by and just watch make the biggest mistake in your life"
He stood before me.
Refusing to move.
Fear kept tearing me apart, slowly but surely.
I needed to make him the bad guy.
I needed distance.
"LEAVE! GOD DAMMIT! I don't want you here. Can't you understand that"
I was crying now.
It came suddenly.
"Lorelai.."
He reached for me but I backed away.
"I don't need your charity! I don't want you here. Not again...Not ever!"
His face became cold as he continued to move closer to me.
He was close now.
I refused to back away, not again.
I could feel him.
It always felt like the air around me shifted a little as he was close.
Like his simple prescence could stop the world.
"Charity? Charity? You think I did all I did as an act of charity"
"Yes. You loved it...Saving the poor,little Lorelai.."
"No..It wasn't like that.."
"No? Tell me you didn't enjoy being the person that fixed everything.
The person that was always the one people ran too...You try to fix everything...But you can't fix this. You can't fix me"
"Lorelai..please..I"
"What? What, Luke? Afraid that I'm right...Why can't you just back the fuck off!??"
"For God's sake!"
His face grew cold and his eyes became two dark pools.
"I didn't ask for your help! I never did and I never will!"
"Well..You never asked....Who drove you to the hospital? Who drove you home afterwards? Who held you while you cried? WHO, Lorelai? WHO???"
He made me remember.
He made me see the very part of me that was hurting.
He brought out those memories that I had tucked away deep inside of my heart and brought them out into the light.
And I hated him for it.
For making me crumble.
"GO TO HELL!"
"HA, I'm already there"
His eyes flashed with a fire that lived inside of him and then he kissed me.
It wasn't like before.
This was fire against ice.
This was like lightning on a clear day.
It held no mercy.
I reacted with anger.
I pushed him away from me.
My eyes were on fire as I struck him once across the cheek.
"YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME! I DON'T WANT YOU! EVER"
He stumbled backwards.
His eyes shot fire.
"Lorelai"
"LEAVE ME ALONE"
"You want me to leave you alone"
"YES"
"Really"
"YES"
"Fine"
"Fine"
Then he turned around and walked away from me.

I climbed into the car and I refused to tremble as I did.
The driver turned the key and the monster came alive.
I leaned my head against the car window and took one final look at the house I once called my home.
Then we were off.
One day it would be just another memory.
It was time to erase those memories, put them away and never look at them again.
I wasn't running.
I was saving myself.
-
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