Just a slice of life showing Ashara's state of mind early in Mass Effect 2. Hope you find it interesting. Thanks to AmityN7 for helping out with the chapter.
In spite of its comfort, the new bed doesn't feel right to Shepard. She had been a marine, and that meant she slept on a hard little mattress. It had been nearly 15 years since basic training, and if she hadn't gotten used to that fact by the time she took over command of the Normandy, she wouldn't have been much of a soldier.
For one blissful month though, her old bed had been a problem. The night before Ilos, as lost in each other as they were, she and Liara hadn't even noticed the size issue. After the first few times though, it was hard not to be annoyed at the contortions that were sometimes required when they made love, or the way they'd have to stay bunched up together in order to be able to share it afterwards.
Now, Shepard has a nice big bed, and nothing to do it in but toss and turn. She hasn't been sleeping well since Cerberus brought her back. She's lost almost everything that used to define her life. Her ship, along with twenty members of her crew, were destroyed by the Collectors. She's not an Alliance marine anymore. She's working for a damned terrorist organization. And Liara's gone. Every time Ashara wakes up and the archeologist isn't there next to her, she feels that loss all over again.
Rolling over wearily, she looks into the glowing face of her alarm clock. 0430 Citadel Standard Time. Damn it. If it was earlier, she might try to get back to sleep in spite of her troubled thoughts, but at this point, it's a lost cause. She has to be back on duty in 2 hours anyway.
Dragging herself out of bed, Ashara shrugs out of her pajamas and stumbles into the shower. The spacious facilities feel like another cruel reminder of what she's lost. Back on the ship Shepard still thinks of as the real Normandy, she and Liara had to use the communal showers after their nights together, hoping they didn't smell too much like sex. Here, she's got this lovely private bathroom to go with her big new bed and no one to share it with.
Getting out of the shower, she towels off and dresses, but as she pulls on her pants, she can't keep her eyes off of the picture on Liara on her desk. Cerberus' attitude towards the absent asari is a mystery to her. On the one hand, she can't believe what the Illusive Man told her about Liara working for the Shadow Broker. Two years may have passed for the rest of the galaxy, but could the innocent archeologist she fell in love with really have changed that much? And yet, if Cerberus wants to keep her away from Liara, why did they leave Ashara this picture? She rubs her forehead, trying to set such thoughts aside. If she spends too much time obsessing about it, she'll go crazy.
Of course, in the weeks since coming back, not obsessing hasn't been going particularly well. Half of her free time she spends dreaming about Liara. The way she'd look at Ashara with those big, pretty blue eyes, their little talks behind the med-bay, the way Liara's smooth skin felt under the Spectre's fingers… there's so much that she misses that it hurts sometimes.
At other times, Shepard's mind goes to darker places. She knows her apparent death must have broken Liara's heart. Has the asari gotten over it? Could she have met somebody else? Will she be angry when she finds out that Ashara is alive and working for Cerberus?
Shepard needs some air, or as close to it as she can get under the circumstances. A starship always has people around, but it's quieter during the night-cycle. There's only a skeleton crew on duty right now, so when she gets down to the command deck, she's surprised to see Kelly Chambers at her post.
"Hello, Commander," the yeoman says brightly, her perennially perky disposition unaffected by the hour, "You have new messages at your private terminal."
"Thanks, Kelly." She flips through the extranet mail. Junk, mostly. A few status updates on the ship, but they're the exception. No matter how high-tech the computer system, that crap always seems to find its way through the firewalls. She laughs a little at one message from a dating service that promises to introduce her to the asari maiden of her dreams. Somehow, a mine on Therum probably isn't what they have in mind for a meeting place.
Ashara shakes her head, trying to stay in the present. "So, why exactly are you up so early, yeoman?"
"Just getting a head start on the day, ma'am. There's a lot to do with all the new people joining the crew. I'm still trying to figure out Jack."
The red-head's voice is cheerful, and Shepard smiles back at her. "I think we're all trying to get a grip on that one, Kelly." The commander's still not sure what to make of the tattooed biotic. The woman clearly has no use for Cerberus, which could be helpful, but she also seems dangerously unstable. Wrex or Garrus might have had an angry side, but Shepard didn't worry they were going to punch a hole in the ship because they had a bad day.
"Is that the only thing you're trying to get a grip on, ma'am?" Kelly winks at her and Ashara tries not to blush. The yeoman's attraction has been fairly clear since Shepard first came on board and under other circumstances, the commander might be tempted. Kelly is friendly, pretty, open… all things that she could use right now. She wouldn't be surprised if that's why the Illusive Man picked the woman for this job, but even if that's the case, Ashara doubts Kelly knows she's being used. She's seldom met anyone who seems more guileless than Yeoman Chambers.
Shepard's not interested in dating somebody else though. It may have been two years for the rest of the galaxy since she died, but for Ashara, it was only a few weeks ago that Liara was lying next to her in bed, the two of them imagining what their future might hold. She doesn't know if the asari has moved on, but she hasn't. Not by a long shot.
Laughing off Kelly's comment, Shepard takes her leave of the yeoman. She thinks about going to see if Joker's in the cock-pit; even when he isn't on duty, the pilot frequently sleeps in his chair. She can't bring herself to do it, though. When she first met up with Joker after she came back to life, she'd just been glad to see a familiar face.
Lately, though… He had his orders, he disobeyed them, and she ended up dead. She knows why he was reluctant to abandon the Normandy, but it doesn't change what happened and when she thinks about everything she's lost, it's hard not to blame him for it. Ashara doesn't want the fight, and so for the time being, she's just been avoiding her old pilot.
Instead, she heads back to the elevator, making her way to the starboard observation lounge. There's plenty of bad she could say about Cerberus, but at least they have an aesthetic sense. The room offers a wonderful view of the stars and Ashara plops herself down on one of the couches and tries to clear her head.
When she was a girl, she used to love lying out in the fields on Mindoir, feeling the breeze on her skin and looking up into the night sky. She'd dream about what might be in each of those star systems, the things she would see when she went there, the adventures she'd have. Even though her road to those stars proved to be far darker than anything that naïve farm girl could've imagined, Ashara still loves the view.
"Hello, Commander." Behind her, she hears the sound of footsteps alongside Mordin Solus' voice. "Didn't realize anyone else would be here."
"Neither did I. What's your excuse."
"Data compiling. Had some time."
"Well, take a seat." She pats a cushion and Mordin joins her on the couch.
"Wanted to get out of lab. Been there 14 hours straight."
She nods, impressed at his dedication. "And here I thought I worked hard."
"Only sleep an hour a day. Leaves plenty of time for research."
Ashara shakes her head. "Sadly, I on the other hand need more sleep than this. I've just been having trouble getting it recently."
"What seems to be problem?"
She chuckles wearily. "I thought Kelly was supposed to be the ship's therapist."
"Did study psychiatry in school, but now, just asking as," he pauses, choosing his final word carefully, "Comrade." Ashara appreciates the offer. She hasn't known the salarian long but in spite of his ruthless streak, she likes him. Between the Cerberus operatives, the mercenaries, and the borderline psychotics, he's one of the few people in this new crew aside from Garrus she feels like she can trust and right now, she could use a sympathetic ear.
Ashara takes a deep breath, trying to think of the best way to explain her troubles. "So, you know how you told me you used to be with the Special Tasks Group, your people's best and brightest, doing work you believed in? Does it bother you to be here instead, working for Cerberus? Because it bugs the hell out of me."
Mordin throws up his hands in a non-committal gesture. "Certainly affiliation not ideal. But mission important. Collectors need to be stopped. Cerberus offers best chance to do that right now."
"Why do you think I'm still here?," she agrees. "My first thought was to take this ship and run it back to the Alliance as quickly as I could manage."
"Why not do it?"
"When I talked to Anderson, I found out that neither the Alliance nor the Council was doing anything to prepare for the Reapers. For now Cerberus, is the only group that will give me the resources to do that."
"Choice objectively correct, even if unsavory."
"Even so." She runs her fingers through her still-damp blonde hair. "It just doesn't feel entirely right being here. There's too many people I can't trust. My crew, the ones I fought Saren with, they were my friends. There was even someone… Someone I loved."
"Thought Alliance regulations forbade," he pauses once more, "Fraternization."
She nods. "They do, but she wasn't Alliance. Liara T'Soni was an asari expert on the protheans who helped us to find the Conduit."
"Ah, Doctor T'Soni. Heard name mentioned as part of crew. Read some of her papers after taking on this mission. Interesting work, though some theories on prothean extinction obviously contradicted by recent evidence."
She shrugs. "I don't think many people saw the Reapers coming. But yeah, she was really special and now I don't even know where she is or what she's doing."
"No expert on alien relationships, but if worried about sexual fidelity, might find it comforting to know that asari less promiscuous than commonly believed."
Ashara smiles at his clinical discussion of the situation. "Liara told me that once. She was very insistent about it too. She taught me so much about her people. There was so much I didn't realize before I met her. You know, we were going to visit Thessia together, before I…" She pauses. It feels strange to say "died." If she'd been dead, she couldn't be here. Death was supposed to be a one-way trip.
She settles on, "Before the Normandy was destroyed. Liara's mother had died and she had to go back and settle her estate. I was trying to get some leave so I could go with her. The way she described the planet, it really sounded incredible." She shakes her head at her own maudlin rambling. "Listen at me, going on like this to you. Your people don't even date."
"True," Mordin agrees, "Can't really understand romantic impulse. Am familiar with effect asari can have though. Very unusual feeling for salarian."
In spite of herself Shepard laughs. "That must be one hell of a story."
"Perhaps tell it another time, possibly after consumption of alcohol. Right now, tests should be finishing up. Need to check results. Work must come first."
The salarian gets up to leave and Shepard returns her gaze to the window. Somewhere out there in that vast blackness is Liara, but Mordin is right. However much Ashara may love the archeologist, her work has to take priority. She's not a damn school girl anymore. She's still a Spectre, even if only by the thinnest of threads, and she has to hold it together for the sake of the galaxy. Fighting the Collectors may not warm her bed or help her sleep at night but right now, it's what she has.