Hi guys! Thanks for the lovely reviews that you keep posting! Here is the next chapter, hope you all like it! :)
Dr. Charles stared aimlessly at his notebook, the red and blue lines blurring with the yellow sheets of paper as his eyes tried to focus in on his writing. As his pen stilled and the ink dried against the page. A soft hum left his lips as he sighed and waited patiently for Jay to continue speaking. His finger reached out to push his glasses a little farther back on the bridge of his nose as he brought the pen in his grip up to tap against his lips. He watched with squinted eyes as Jay's chest rose and fell in quick patterns and he sat, staring aimlessly at his hand.
Three weeks into sessions and the most progress that had been made had been during last fifteen minutes. Like most of the previous sessions, Dr. Charles had started them off discussing current events or problems Jay wished to talk about present situations. Unlike prior sessions, the conversation had expanded, Jay quickly engaging into talk about more personal issues. Discussions delving deeper into what brought him to therapy in the first place, and for the first time, they had landed on the events of that night.
The conversation hung heavy in the air between the two of them. Even after minutes of silence, and as the soft ticking of the clock echoed through Jay's mind, the discussion replayed over and over through his head. New words getting stuck on the tip of his tongue as he tried to choke back emotions threatening to spill over the edge. Tears pricking his eyes as his breaths fell heavy in his lungs. As he tried to continue on, to dig further into his nightmares as visions filled his mind.
"Ruzek…he—he was standing right behind me."
Jay let in a shaky breath as he swallowed roughly. Looking up, he met Dr. Charles' encouraging gaze before his eyes fell to his hands. Clasping his fingers tightly together, he breathed through the tightness forming in his chest.
"His gun was on the ground. I...I should have known that. I did know that." He nodded in confirmation, rubbing his fingers across his forehead at his hairline. "He put it there, I watched him set it down. But I was so focused on all of the blood—there was so much of it."
Shaking his head, Jay's chest heaved heavier as his voice became thick and he fought through the memories filling his mind. "That's when I heard it."
Dr. Charles gave a soft nod—silent encouragement as Jay's eyes lifted once again, but they were distant, unfocused and lost in the memory as a large, unsteady breath left his lips. "I guess I should be used to the sound of gunshots. This one...this one sounded so different. It wasn't loud or quick. It just—it sounded far away. It sounded wrong. But I knew it was right behind me. I knew before I even turned my head."
A single tear rolled down Jay's cheek as memories filled his head. As the sound of gunshots invaded his eardrums and a bitter chuckle left his lips. Shaking his head, his eyes shut once more as he bit nervously at the soft skin of his bottom lip.
"I heard him fall. I heard him hit the ground and I still couldn't get myself to turn around. I couldn't make myself move." Running a hand hurriedly through his hair, he desperately tried to slow his breathing before once again dropping his head into his hands. And he tried to speak through the lump forming in his throat, "I didn't make myself move. Not quick enough."
The sharp sound of gunshots cut through the thick air of the room as Jay's mind swam with memories. Filling his thoughts as a heavy breath heaved from his lungs. As his eyes shut tighter and a shaky whimper left his lips.
The loud thud of Ruzek's limp body fell against the wood floor, echoing through his mind. Mouse's body—shaking as he fought for air—just a few feet in front of him. The distant sound of a door slamming open rang through the open space as Jay began to hear rushed voices coming in and out of focus.
More gunshots—this time louder and more recognizable as more of the unit poured in. And Olinsky, in an unusually loud and panicked voice called for an ambo. He reached Ruzek before hurriedly searching for a pulse. Applied pressure to his partner's wounds as Antonio scurried around, clearing the space.
Jay jumped, his feet taking off faster than his brain could comprehend as he stumbled beneath himself. All protocol lost as he scurried forward, eyes glued to the gasping form in front of him. As his knees gave out, his hands fell quickly to the wound at Mouse's neck.
Strangled moans and uneven breaths left Mouse's lips as his panicked gaze met Jay's. "It's okay, buddy. Hang in there. You're gonna be okay." His words came out as rushed breaths as he spoke through the sobs threatening to escape. Spoke through the fear and shock as the large hazel eyes of his friend became bleak and glossy as another strangled breath attempted to leave his lips.
"You're okay, Mouse. It's okay."
Coughing, Mouse tried to nod in reassurance before the pain overtook him. Left him to fight greedily for air as his Jay shook his head. His eyes focused and glossy as he pressed harder down on the wound at Mouse's neck. "Hey—hey! It's okay. It's alright, buddy."
"Jay." Although Dr. Charles' voice was soft and calm, Jay jumped slightly beneath his hands as he registered his surroundings. Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly as he desperately tried to shake the memories away.
"Jay—"
Rubbing his face roughly, Jay's gaze found his hands, staring at them as the color of crimson clouded his vision. Tears fell down his cheeks as he focused in on his shaky hands and memories of blood stained palms filled his mind. "It—it's all my fault."
The hour hand of the clock had moved long past eleven as he let out a hollow breath and tried to stop the hard sobs still threatening to escape him. Running his hands roughly though his hair, Jay's eyes quickly shot to the large clock and he took another deep breath. An apology on the tip of his tongue for running past the designated stop time before Dr. Charles raised his hand, effectively cutting of Jay's words. "Take all the time you need."
Nodding, Jay sighed as his head fell against the plush cushion of the couch. The only sound in the room coming from the soft hum of the hospital heater and small squeak of leather as Dr. Charles adjusted himself in his seat. Neither spoke or made an attempt to move until a loud beeping sounded from the small pager resting against the psychiatrist's hip.
Dr. Charles quickly stood from his seat before turning toward Jay, once again repeating that he could take more time if necessary before he took off out the door. Left Jay to sigh loudly before standing from the couch and following the path out of Dr. Charles' office. His feet moved into the hospital corridor as his gaze met his brothers form—perched against a wall, coat swung loosely over his shoulders and in burgundy hospital scrubs. Giving a small smile, Will pushed himself off the wall as he walked the distance to meet Jay in the middle of the hallway. "You ready?"
Giving a short nod in response, Jay's eyes fell to the floor as concern crept across Will's face. The two silently made their way into the elevator before Will frowned as concern etched across his brows. As he noted Jay's chest rising and falling in unsteady patterns and the red-rim around his eyes. "Are you alright?"
Instead of meeting his brother's worried gaze, Jay pretended to find interest in a piece of lint from deep within his coat pocket as the doors dinged open and the two made their way out of the hospital and towards the parking lot to find Will's car.
The car ride was silent as Will made his way out onto the streets back towards Erin and Jay's apartment. His foot tapped lightly against the break peddle as a light turned red in front of them. Sighing, his eyes traveled to the passenger's side, watching as Jay pressed his head up against the chilled window, breath fogging up the glass and he stared aimlessly into the street. "Look, man—I'm here if you ever wanna talk about—"
"I'm fine." Jay interrupted, voice hard as he watched small snowflakes fall lightly against the window of the car. Nodding, Will gave him one final look before focusing his attention back toward the road. Before quickly switching lanes and turning rapidly down a road that lead them the opposite way of the apartment.
Jay's eyes widened as he registered the squealing of tires and observed Will cut off a large SUV before rounding the corner. "Where the hell are we going?"
"Well I don't know about you, but I'm starving." He stated enthusiastically, turning towards Jay once against as a large grin formed on his lips. Jay shot him a questioningly glance, but Will just shook his head, chuckling lightly as he parked in front of a small restaurant. "Burgers work for you?"
Jay didn't have time to respond before his brother excitedly turned off the car and hopped out. He groaned as he slowly opening the passenger's side door before taking large strides to catch up with Will as a sudden burst of wind picked up around the two of them. As soon as the door the restaurant opened up, the smell of food wafted into Jay's senses, making his stomach growl and mouth begin to water. Deciding that food didn't sound like too bad of an idea, he sighed as he followed Will toward a booth at the back of the building.
Silence etched out once again between the two as they began to read over the menus. Will only occasionally stole worriedly glances towards Jay as he searched through the contents of the menu before landing on a meal of a burger and fries. As their food arrived, Will greedily began eating his burger before his gaze landed on Jay, watching as he stared out the window, eyes focused in the falling snow from the cold December air. Sighing, his chewing slowed as he contemplated how to start a conversation with his brother.
After nearly a month of Jay being back at home and starting therapy, Will had definitely noticed subtle differences in Jay's behavior. Changing from Jay's first day back when he had stormed out of the apartment after realizing that he had been brought home when he had passed out in the car. To searching all night for him just to get into the Emergency Department the next morning and realize Jay had been brought in as a patient the previous night.
Watching Jay struggle to stay grounded was the hardest thing Will had ever done. Not being around much after Jay had gotten back from Afghanistan, he didn't know how far Jay could fall when he blamed himself for events that surrounded him. Unlike what haunted him after he got back overseas, Jay had Mouse to guide him though the nightmares. To reassure him of reality and fight to keep him grounded. And now, Mouse was gone, and Jay felt responsible. He blamed himself.
Sighing, Will turned his attention back towards his brother. Watching as Jay took a small fry and slowly dragged it through some ketchup before examining it. Whatever had happened in his session today had obviously bothered Jay quite a bit. Sure, Jay had pretty much been a closed book for the past month, but today seemed different. Usually if Will was the one to meet up with Jay after sessions, conversation would flow between the pair. They would rarely discuss what had gone on during sessions, but were both quick to start up random conversations to pass the time. Realizing that Jay needed to talk, but also knowing his brother well enough to know now was not the time to push the topic, Will slowly took a bite of food before letting a small smirk form on his lips.
"So," Will started, a glint in his eyes as he popped a few fries into his mouth. A large, toothy grin spread over his face as he watched Jay's eyes lift curiously from his plate. "Erin's pregnant."
Nodding, Jay's brow raised in question as he scanned over Will's face. "Yeah, I know—" His questioning expression quickly changed to one of annoyance as the smirk grew across Will's face, "—and?"
"I just think it's funny that you're gonna be a dad is all." Will shrugged, smiling as he scarfed down a few more fries. "Never thought I'd live to see the day." The smirk on his lips deepened as a small chuckle billowed from his chest.
Scoffing, Jay's eyes widened in surprise and he couldn't help the large laugh that left his lips. "Really? If it wasn't for Nat and Owen, who knows where you'd be right now."
Will chuckled, shaking his head as he thought about the past few years and the change his relationship had taken. "Yeah, it's pretty crazy how things work out, isn't it?"
Jay smiled in agreement before relaxing into his seat and turning his attention towards his food. The familiarity and lightheartedness of the conversation finally lightening the mood from his session with Dr. Charles earlier. Will smirked up at him, just knowing that he could still tease his brother about his relationship brought back memories of brotherly conversations and playful banter.
Conversation died down once again as Will's mind wandered. Replaying the struggles he had watched his brother go through—the demons he knew were still fighting to resurface. Will was well aware that it was a hard road to recovery, and that nothing was going to be easy to talk about. But he was also aware that Jay couldn't bottle things up, not any longer. Sure, sessions seemed to be going well, but if he wasn't willing to talk to the people who mattered most in his life, eventually they'd go looking for answers on their own. Or they'd stop trying.
After a moment, Will cleared his throat before cautiously eyeing his brother. "How're you and Erin doing?"
A long pause made Will's brow lift curiously as he watched Jay's facial expression change. Blowing out a cautious breath, Jay's eyes found solace in his plate as he sighed. As he picked mindlessly at the remaining fries before shaking his head timidly. "I don't know...I guess it's—it's complicated."
Will gave a short nod, "And why's that?"
Chuckling, Jay's gaze met his brothers once again as he rolled his eyes. "A lot has happened, Will. We can't just go back to the way things were."
"But why not?"
Jay scoffed, staring in disbelief at Will's simple question. "You're not serious?"
"I am." Will nodded as he returned Jay's hard stare.
"It's not that simple." Shutting his eyes, Jay blew out a long breath as he thought through his reply. A hollow laugh left his lips and he shrugged, meeting Will's waiting eyes. "It just seems like she's shutting me out. Like...I don't know—like she's putting her walls up. Waiting for me to fuck things up even more somehow."
A sad smile formed on his lips as his shoulders fell dejectedly. "And I know that's on me, I just don't know what to do."
Will stared at his brother as determination filled his eyes and he gave one short nod. "You fix it."
Meeting Will's gaze, Jay nodded as his eyes grew serious and he thought over his relationship with Erin. Everything that she had to go through over the past month because of him. Everything that she was already going through on top of now having to deal with his problems. He hated that, he hated the fact that his problems were affecting her so greatly.
Determination filled his voice as Jay spoke. "I know, I'm gonna fix this."
Will smiled over to his brother as he gave a short nod of approval before motioning for the check. He downed the remainder of his coke before following Jay back out towards his car. They drove back to the apartment in comfortable silence, Will only occasionally stealing glances at the passengers side to watch as his brother fidgeted nervously with his coat zipper, and then the hem of his shirt, before finally focusing his attention toward the road.
The sounds of footsteps filled the hallway as Jay moved forward to unlocked the deadbolt of the apartment. He swung the door open as Will rambled on in annoyance about a new hospital policy that was being put into effect. Only when the two noticed Erin's worried pacing did silence fill the space as she turned her head to face the pair at the door.
Taking a step forward, Erin eyes lingered on Jay for a moment before speaking, "Hey…you guys are home late."
Noting the worry in her voice, Jay locked eyes with Erin. Silent reassurance bouncing between the two before Will shrugged nonchalantly, "Oh yeah, we went out for lunch afterwards."
Erin gave a nod of understanding as she smiled sheepishly between the two of them.
"You're home early." Jay noted, swinging off his coat as he hung it nearly on the hook by the door. Getting home before five was uncommon in any regular line of work—in Intelligence? That was pretty much unheard of.
Erin shrugged, "It was a slow day, we did some paperwork and caught up with a few CI's. Hank was going to meet with someone, so he sent us all home about an hour ago."
Will looked between the two of them as Jay nodded. Turning back toward the door, he said a quick goodbye before leaving to get home and sleep off his twelve-hour shift. Giving Jay one final look, he slipped out the door and headed towards the elevator, leaving Jay and Erin in silence once again.
"So," Jay said as he followed Erin into the kitchen. Watching as she skimmed the contents of the refrigerator before pulling out an old slice of pizza and taking a large bite.
"So." Erin echoed as her eyes met his. Curiosity written all over her face as she watched a slight grin pass over his lips. Conversation had been in short supply for them lately, and it seemed almost impossible to get Jay to discuss anything. None the less be the one to actually start a conversation.
"So…I was thinking maybe we could talk about everything? I know there's a lot going on right now, but we really should talk it through." Jay watched cautiously as Erin's eyes widened in surprise. As her mouth opened to speak, but shut just as quickly before he took a deep breath. "Maybe we could go to dinner?"
A few moments passed by—long enough to make Jay swallow roughly as he rethought his proposal. Maybe Erin wasn't ready to talk about everything just yet. Maybe asking her to dinner was pushing too fast and he should have stuck with a simpler, casual conversation. But Erin was his best friend—his fiancé—and Will was right, he had to fix this now. Had to stop shutting her out and let her help him, even if it was the last thing he wanted to have her go through. He knew what it was like to watch someone you love struggle and not be able to help them at all, and there was no way he would keep doing that to her.
"Erin?" Jay repeated, a nervous grin forming on his lips as he walked towards her. "The Purple Pig sound okay?"
Erin couldn't help the chuckle that left her lips as she met Jay's eyes. Nodding, a large smile formed across her face and she watched as Jay mirrored her actions. As his grin grew into a large, ear-to-ear smile. "Yeah. The Purple Pig sounds great."
Once again, thanks so much for all the reviews and follows on this story! I love getting feedback from it, it helps so much when writing it to just read what people are enjoying from it. Please keep up the reviews! :)