Remember Who You Are
Disclaimer: Blah. Blah. Not mine or yours, I think they're ABC's.
Warnings: This fanfic depicts romantic notions between two adult women. If you don't like that, well, I'm sorry for you.
Note: This chapter is a bit longer than usual. I'm really trying hard to find time to write. I love it, I don't want to give it up. So thank you everyone for the encouragement and patience in sticking around to read my work. Thank you!~
And as always, thank you Erin for proof reading!
~~~ Chapter 10 ~~~
Four days.
It's been four days since she saw or heard from either Regina or Henry, Emma fumed as she lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling. Despite how small a town Storybrooke was Regina managed to completely cut Emma off from Henry and somehow avoid the deputy all together herself. Emma found out that the Mayor had given herself flexible work hours, working from home mostly and spending all other time with Henry when he wasn't in school or therapy.
Her mind kept replaying the last time she saw Regina, trying but with no avail to figure out what she actually did to piss the woman off. It frustrated the hell out of her to not at least know what she was being punished for.
She rolled over and buried her face into the pillow. "Argh!" she screamed into it while kicking her feet against the mattress.
The tantrum was short lived because Emma quickly found herself suffocating face down on the pillow. Resting her head on its side instead, Emma released a long-suffering sigh. One minute she was laying there on her bed limp and listless, wallowing in self-pity. The next minute she was bolting up, scrambling off the mattress and began rummaging through the mess under the bed.
"Damn it! Where is it?" she muttered to herself as she sifted through piles of dirty laundry, odd miscellaneous papers and junk food wrappers. "God, I'm such an idiot! Why didn't I think of this earlier?"
After a long string of curses, Emma eventually extracted herself from under the bed.
"Aha!" she yelled triumphantly, holding up a green sock and an old 2-way radio.
She threw the sock onto her dresser, not wanting to lose it again (it was part of her favorite pair of socks). Dusting off the radio, she hoped the battery still held its charge. She and Henry found these relic devices in the lost and found at the Sheriff Station a while back. They played around with them for a bit before the novelty quickly worn off and forgetting all about them.
The radio crackled when she switched it on. "Henry," she spoke into it. Then repeated herself when she didn't get a response.
'Aw, c'mon kid.' Sighing, she crawled over to her bedside table, rooted through its drawer and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper Henry gave her a while back. Code names, he had said.
"Ahem," she cleared her throat before pressing the talk button again. "Ironman, this is SuperBeetle. Come in, over."
"Ironman here, go ahead," Henry's voice came through the radio immediately.
"Hey kid." She smiled at the sound of his voice. "Just wanted to see how you're doing."
"I'm fine," Henry replied. "But what did you do?! Why won't mom let me see you?"
"I don't know," Emma answered frustrated. "I thought things were finally gonna be okay, then out of the blue she's mad at me again. How is she?"
He sighed heavily into the radio. "Well, she's obviously still very crossed with you. And the weird thing is she's kinda sad too."
"Geez, I don't even know what I did to upset her!"
"I hope you'll figure it out and fix this soon," Henry urged. "I miss you, Emma."
"Kid, I miss you too," Emma replied back softly, touched by his admission. God, she really could use some help sorting this mess out. "Did your mom happen to say anything-"
"Oh shit!" Henry's voice whispered harshly into the radio. Then there was only silence.
"Henry?" Emma called out, and called again when she got no answers from him. "Hello? Ironman?"
"Miss Swan."
Emma startled and almost dropped the radio when it was Regina that responded and not Henry. "Uh... hi, Regina," she greeted in return meekly.
"Have I not made myself clear enough that I do not wish for you to be in any contact with my son or myself?"
"Yeah, you made that pretty clear," Emma huffed. "What you didn't make clear was why."
"I cannot help you if your brain isn't capable of figuring that out on your own."
"This is bullshit, Regina. My brain isn't the problem here, it's your unpredictable mood swings. One minute you're inviting me to dinner, the next you're leaving me stranded outside your empty house when I showed up. You tell me why that is."
Regina snorted humorlessly. "You'd want me to do that, wouldn't you? Tell you what I have exactly figured out about you so you can fabricate more lies to cover up your deceptions."
"What are you talking about? I didn't lie to you." Emma was completely baffled by the Mayor's accusation. It was absurd. If anything, Emma had made so much effort letting down her guard and open herself to the woman.
"Save it, Miss Swan. I'm done with all the games you're playing." Regina was determined to not let herself be sucked into Emma's tricks again.
"You're being ridiculous. I'm not playing any damn games! Where the hell are you getting these ideas? This is killing me, Regina. It's been four days. I really miss Henry, and..." Emma bit her lips, then continued on voicing her next thought in as earnest a voice as she could muster. "And believe it or not, I miss you."
There was a soft click over the radio, and Emma hope it wasn't what she think it was.
"Regina?" She tentatively called into the device. "Regina, are you still there?" She called again but was met with nothing but silence. Not even a crackle or static.
'Damn it, she turned the damn thing off!' Emma threw the radio across the room out of pure frustration.
Across town the other radio of the pair was met with a similar demise at the Mayoral mansion. Regina grimly stared at the radio lying on the floor across the study.
She nearly gave in again, she cursed herself. Regina couldn't decide if she was more irritated with herself for her gullibility or with Emma's charming trickery.
The past four days hadn't been easy. To completely avoid the other woman in the town the size of a postage stamp was more arduous than Regina had originally thought. She constantly had to ensure she was one step ahead in order to elude the blonde; working from home so she could be free to be with Henry whenever he's not in school, delegating the task of handling all correspondences between the City Hall and the Sheriff Station to her assistant, and steering clear of places she knew the deputy would frequent (like Granny's). While successful in cutting Emma out of her and Henry's lives, the entire process of it caused her more grief than comfort because she found herself having to actively keep the blonde in her mind at all times in order to stay a step ahead. And every time Henry uttered Emma's name or when a document crosses her desk penned by Emma, there was a sharp tugging in her chest. She loathed facing the truth, but despite knowing it was all a rouse, she did miss the blonde.
"Mom?"
The sound of Henry's soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts. Turning towards it, she found her son leaning against the doorway watching her with a curious expression.
"Henry, why are you out of bed?" she asked.
"I heard a loud bang." He stepped into the room and almost immediately he spotted the new dent on the far wall and the radio on the floor.
"I'm sorry, Henry. I'll buy you a new one tomorrow," Regina offered when she caught where his gaze landed.
"Why are you so angry at Emma?"
"I'm—Miss Swan she—it's complicated, Henry," she finally settled on and was about to send him back to bed when he walked further into the room and took a seat in the chair across from her, looking at her expectantly. God, how could she possibly explain it all to him? Tell him that his birth mother had tricked her into having feelings for her and broke down her defense in order to ultimately steal him away? He'd probably jump at the idea of leaving her for Emma, she scoffed bitterly in her mind.
"Henry, I know that you miss Miss Swan very much," she spoke resignedly. "But I'm going to need you to give me a few more days to work things out. Can I ask that of you?" When Henry nodded, she took a deep breath before continuing, "and I need you to hold off seeing her."
"Okay," he readily agreed, surprising Regina.
"Really? You're okay with this?" She frowned at his quick answer, fully expecting an argument from him.
"Yeah." Henry shrugged his shoulders. He knew it must've sound unlike him to be so agreeable, but he really didn't have it in him to fight his mom on her request. Looking at her now, there was a distinct air of sadness and disappointment about her as it had for the past 4 days. It was unsettling for him to see his usually stoic mother in such a state. He wasn't quite sure what he should do with an Evil Queen that didn't seem so evil, but instead looked broken and vulnerable.
To be fair, the past couple of days of being exclusively kept by his mother's side really weren't all that horrible. She wasn't overbearing like she typically was and she actually kept mostly to herself in the house. As a result, Henry got to play more video games in the last 4 days than he had in the past 6 months!
"Well, I came down just to see what the loud bang was. I guess I'll just go back to bed now." He shrugged in a nonchalant, child-like manner and got out of the chair. "Night, mom," he added before leaving Regina alone in the room again.
She looked at her son's retreating form fondly. His sensitive and caring nature caused a tinge of pride to bloom in her chest. Sure, ever since his head was filled with ideas of her being the Evil Queen their relationship had been strained and tenuous. It was hurtful beyond words. But how could she fault him or be angry with him? He was, after all, just an impressionable 10-year-old boy. Moments like this, however rare they have become, were prove that despite all the wrong she had done in the past, she could always look at Henry to remind her of the one thing she at least did one thing right in this world.
Emma set the tumbler down on the bar counter, grimacing as that last mouthful of whiskey burned a trail down her throat to her gut. Her weary blue eyes squinted at the empty glass, wondering how many she had already tonight. Was that drink number 5? Or was it number 6? And how long had she been sitting here anyway? She turned her head surveying the diner. Clearly the dinning crowd had dissipated. There were only two other persons left in the establishment, sitting in the booth in the far end of the diner sharing a slice of pie.
'A dessert date?' she surmised in her mind bitterly. Ever since the radio conversation she had with Regina yesterday, she had been extra grouchy and bitter, especially with all things sweet and lovely-dovey. Sighing, she averted her eyes from the couple and poured herself another drink. She had a nice buzz going, effectively numbing the heartache in her chest.
The bell above the door signaled an incoming customer. Emma turned to see who had walked in and she felt dread washed over her. 'Shit!'
"Emma," Graham greeted quietly as he sat down on the stool next to the blonde.
She ignored him and continued to sip her drink. This is the first time in days since she had seen him. From the brief glimpse she took of him just now, she gotta say the Sheriff looked like crap. But Emma couldn't find an ounce of care in her.
"Emma," he tried again. "We need to talk."
She gave him an annoyed sideways glance. "About what?"
Graham leaned towards the blonde. "That kiss we shared-"
"Whoa, stop!" Emma cut him off fixing him with a glare. "I don't want to talk about that. You do something like that again I'm gonna punch you in the face. I'm serious."
She was already pissed off that he just basically disappeared on her, leaving her alone to manage the station and deal with all the workload that came with it. And now he also wanted to talk about that stupid kiss?!
Graham studied her as she knocked back another mouthful of the amber liquor. Taking in her bedraggled form, it was clear to him that she was having as much a hard time with this as he had.
"C'mon, just hear me out," he ventured again despite her warning. Immediately, she held up a finger to silence him. He quickly grasped her by the wrist in response, holding on firmly but gently and hoping his touch would sooth her bristled state. "Please." It seemed to have worked when she didn't pull away, looking back at him expectantly.
Relieved, he shifted closer, guiding her arm to rest on the counter. He didn't let go as he started talking. "I'm sorry I've been away. But I... I had to be alone. After we kissed, my mind was bombarded with all these strange visions. I thought I was going crazy. It got so bad I was having trouble telling them apart from reality. But as days went by, the visions began to make more sense to me. I know it sounds really weird, but I think it's trying to tell me something about myself that I don't even know of. I'm still not sure what this all means, but Emma." He moved his hand to cover hers. "What I'm sure about is that you are the key to all this. You are the piece that has been missing in my life. Emma Swan, you are what's going to make sense of my existence."
Emma's heart grew heavier as she listened to him. Here's this guy pouring his heart out to her and she supposed she should be flattered. But all she could think about was how everything Graham had said she wished she was hearing it from a particular someone else. She felt a prickling behind her eyes at the thought of Regina.
'I'm not asking her to profess her undying love for me. All I wanted was a chance. Just a chance to see if there could be... more.' Her chest constricted painfully as she realized grimly that she and Regina might never be more of anything.
Falling for and pursuing Regina had got to be the dumbest thing she's done in her life. How foolish was she to think a woman of Regina's caliber, a town Mayor, would really want someone like her, that if she take a leap of faith and put down some roots her life might finally take a better turn. Hadn't she learned anything from her years growing up in the foster system? Old memories of her case-worker (one of many over the years) pulling her aside for "a talk" played in her mind. She remember the apologetic look in his eyes, the same look all the other ones had. She knew he was going to tell her she's being moved yet again. By the time she was older, she was indifferent to such news, having accepted that stability and the sense of belonging will never be a luxury she's entitled to.
Yet here she was she sitting here nursing a broken heart with a bottle of cheap whiskey. How could she be so stupid? Making that stupid wish on her birthday, and then allowing herself to believe it was a miracle wish come true that she could fit into and belong in Henry's and Regina's lives. Idiot!
Drowning in her drunken haze of disappointment and self-pity, she didn't fight it when Graham raised a hand to her face and tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ear, welcoming any sort of reassurance and validation that she wasn't as unwanted as life had proven her. And when Graham slid his hand to the back of her neck and pulled her to him, she went with it too, desperate to feel better about herself.
It didn't help.
Graham's lips felt awkward against hers, his stubble scratching her face uncomfortably. His touch didn't send her heart racing. It was nothing like when kissing Regina, with her full supple lips and baby smooth skin. The sad truth? Kissing Graham just made her feel even more pathetic than she did before.
The clanging of the doorbell was a grateful distraction to put an end to this laughable facade. Emma pulled away from Graham, avoiding his questioning haze and turned to the door instead, seriously considering buying the person that so helpfully interrupted them a piece of pie or something.
She never expected Regina standing at the doorway with Henry and nearly fell out of her seat at the sight of them. 'Aw crap!'
Regina's face was unreadable. Dark steely eyes shifted between the Sheriff and the deputy. Lips pulled into a tight grim line. While Henry gaped at his birth mother with an expression that was an odd cross between shock and grossed out.
"Henry," Regina said, pleased she was able to keep her voice steady and controlled because inside was a whole other story. "We'll come back for dessert some other day." Grateful that he simply nodded and didn't put up an argument, she guided him out of the diner.
"No," Emma sputtered and scrambled off the bar stool with only one intent to chase after Regina's and Henry's. "No no no no NO!"
Graham grabbed her arm as she passed by him, attempted to pull her back. "Emma!"
"Let go, Graham!" She roughly shrugged off his hand and shoved him away from her. Once freed, she quickly grabbed her jacket and bolted out of the diner. She didn't bother looking back when he tumbled off the stool, didn't see the Sheriff agonizingly grabbed his head as images violently began flashing behind his eyes again.
Emma raced out of the diner. Spinning around frantically in the middle of the street searching for signs of Regina and Henry, she growled in frustration when they were nowhere in sight. Her panic rising, she made a mad dash to her yellow bug she parked halfway down the block. It was only when she reached the car she remembered her keys were with Rudy for safekeeping earlier in the evening. The waitress had insisted on the exchange for the bottle of whiskey.
"Fuck!" she cursed and kicked at the car's tire. She needed to get to Regina, needed to explain what she saw at the diner moments ago. The Mayor was good, as usual, at hiding effortlessly behind that indifferent mask of hers. But she couldn't hide the myriad of emotions in those dark brown eyes. The anger, pain, hurt and disappointment. It was very brief but Emma caught it all.
Locked out of her car and no way to get her keys back from Ruby after the amount of whiskey she drank, Emma saw no other options but to get to Regina's the old fashion way. She let out one final sigh of resignation and started jogging down the street.
It took her longer than expected to get to the Mayoral Mansion. Somehow in her state of inebriation she thought it would be brilliant to take a short cut through town by cutting across people's yards. After scaling multiple fences, dodging the few diligent guard dogs protecting their piece of lawn, and losing her direction a few times after emerging from thick bushes, she finally broke through the hedges surrounding Regina's yard.
Brushing off the errand leaves and dirt off her jacket, she made it up to the front door and pounded in the door. "Regina!" Almost immediately she could hear the heavy thumping of footsteps from inside the house running towards the door.
Henry had his hand on the doorknob, about to pull it open, when his mother called out his name. "Henry!"
He looked over his shoulder at Regina standing by the staircase.
"Don't answer that," she instructed.
Henry cocked his head to the side in a curious manner, furrowing his brows as he contemplated her request. His first instinct was to open the door for Emma. But there was something about the tone of his mother's voice that gave him a pause. Her request didn't have the usual commanding quality to it. Instead, it almost sounded like a plead to his ears. And while he missed did Emma immensely the past few days, he quickly remembered what he saw at the diner earlier and he couldn't help be feel a little bit mad at Emma because, clearly, she hadn't missed him all that much if she was out on a date with Graham.
Making up his mind, Henry let his hand fall from the doorknob and peeked out the window off to the side.
Emma ceased her pounding of the door when she caught a glimpse of movement in her peripheral vision. Taking back a step she found Henry looking out at her from the narrow side window next to the door. She went over to him quickly. "Henry, open the door and let me in."
To her surprise, the boy simply shrugged nonchalantly, seemingly having no intention to be of any help to her.
"Henry," she said in a warning tone.
She saw him turn his head slightly speaking to Regina whom Emma could now see past the boy's head. His voice was muffled, but Emma was pretty sure it sounded like he just asked his mother if he can go play some more video games. With a slight nod from Regina, Henry gave Emma a regretful look and a half-hearted wave, then turned and trotted away from the window.
Emma pressed her face up against the glass and watched in shock as the boy disappeared from her sight, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly. 'I don't believe this!'
Her gaze shifted over to the woman still standing next to the stairs. Regina looked back at her with an inscrutable expression.
"Regina?" Emma pleaded.
A glimmer of hope sparked within her when the Mayor's dark eyes wavered and her jaw visibly clenched, clearly attempting to maintain her resolve. But Regina closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened eyes again, any hope Emma was hanging on to all but vanished. A shiver went down her back as Regina returned her gaze with the coldest and most stone hardened look. Even as Emma whimpered in protest, Regina moved to turn off the lights in the foyer and disappeared up the stairs, leaving the deputy outside on the other side of the front door.
Emma continued to pound on the door and slap at the glass in desperation. "Regina! Henry!" But her cries and all the noise she was making were all unanswered.
Eventually, silence fell over the Mayoral mansion again with the town's deputy sitting slumped against the door, completely dejected. It took a long moment, but Emma finally struggled to her feet, being weighed down by the alcohol still flowing strong in her system, and moved away from the house. She sniffled, wiping her wet nose with the back of her hand, as she walked down the red brick pathway. She was almost at the gate when she happened turned her head and her eyes fell on the garage at the side of the house. An idea began to form in her head as she changed the direction of her trek and went towards the garage.
Emma looked up at the roofline of the huge 3-car garage, noticing how it's attached to the house. It really was a bad idea, she admitted even as she dragged a garbage can over to the side of the garage. But something innate inside her just refused to leave things as is. She was deathly tired of this uncertainty between herself and Regina, so whether the Mayor likes it or not, these mind games are going to end tonight.
Climbing on top the garbage can Emma reached up and pulled herself up onto the roof. She got up on her feet, balancing precariously on the sloped surface and made her way across the roof.
'How convenient,' she thought as she looked up to find an open window just a few feet above her. It was a reach, but she could make it. Taking a few running steps, she kicked off the side of the house to give herself a bit of a boost to latch her fingers onto the window ledge. With a grunt, the deputy powered herself up and through the window.
She tumbled onto the room, landing on plush carpets with a soft oomph. And as soon as she sat up and took in her surroundings Emma almost had to laugh. Of all the rooms for her to stumble in randomly, she ended up right in the master bedroom. Which means, Regina's bedroom. If she had one of those "that was easy" buttons, she would be pushing it now.
The blonde deputy tiptoed further into the room, stopping when she heard faint sounds of water splashing. Cocking her head to the side with her ear towards one of the doors in the bedroom room that was held slightly ajar, she realized behind that door must be the master in-suite.
More splashing sound. And before Emma could stop it, images of Regina naked in a bathtub raced through her mind. Rearing back as her knees suddenly buckled, she stumbled to put some distance between her and the door. The back of her legs hit the chaise lounge in a corner of the room and she dropped heavily onto it. She attempted to school her thoughts about the other woman from becoming entirely inappropriate and lewd, thinking instead of mundane, neutral things like bear claws; how she had really grown fond of them since arriving town and, albeit rather cliché, especially after she had taken the position as deputy. Come to think of it, Emma had completely forgotten about her previous favorite snack, the Twinkie. The golden soft sponge cake with the creamy white filling. She recalled how she always loved licking out all the filling with her tongue. And for reasons she unfortunately was fully aware of why, the image of licking out a Twinkie made her mind trek right back to Regina.
Groaning, Emma buried her face in her hands. She prayed that Regina would come out soon from the bathroom before she gets carried away by her thoughts.
Regina loved her long baths. It was a long-standing habit she fostered even back in Fairytale Land, now made more convenient by the modern plumbing of this land. The warmth of a bath had always comforted and soothed her in a way she imagined a lover would if she had one. She especially needed it given the events of the past few days, but even staying longer than usual in the tub this evening did little to alleviate her heartache.
Standing in front of the sink, she pulled the towel from her wet hair and used it to wipe away the condensation collected on the bathroom mirror. In the haziness of her own reflection, she grimaced when she saw how much it looked her mother staring back at her with disappointment and disgust.
'You are weak.' Regina swore she heard the reflection sneered at her in Cora's voice. 'A pathetic, disgraceful fool!'
Even in death, the cruel woman still manages to haunt her with her criticism. Regina turned her back to the reflection, she squeezed her eyes tight and fought to block out her mother's disapproving opinion of her. Was she weak when she survived the death of Daniel? Or how about when she endured the marriage that was forced upon her? When she banished her mother to another land and then ordered her killed? Or was she weak when sacrificed her own father to enact the curse to end all curses? For all the days that Regina could ever remember, it had always been just her alone against the rest of the world. So if she's still standing where she is right now, to have come this far despite all that was against her, then no, she is not weak! And it will take far more than the games Emma Swan played to break her.
Regina wiped away the wetness on her cheeks and found her composure again. She half-turned back towards the mirror, then hesitated, reluctant to face the trickle of fear her mother permanently cultivated within her. She would not admit it, but there was a small iota of fear within her. So instead, she pushed away from the sink with a indignant lift of her chin and walked out of the bathroom.
She felt the presence of another person in her bedroom immediately. Scanning the room quickly, anger bubbled through her veins when her eyes landed on the hunched over figure sitting uninvited on her chaise in the far corner of the room.
"Swan!" she growled and threw her towel at the blonde.
The wet towel hit Emma squarely in the face, jerking her out of her slumber. She had fallen asleep while waiting for Regina. Blinking groggily for a few seconds as she reoriented herself. Emma glanced up to find the Mayor standing only a few feet from her. The blonde deputy's mind briefly registered the dangerous expression on the Regina's face before her cognitive abilities were rendered useless by the blue silk chemise and matching short robe she was wearing. Emma couldn't stop her eyes from roaming over the curves and the expanse of bare skin of Regina's body.
Realizing what the blonde was looking at, Regina scowled and pulled her robe closed around her body, effectively putting an end to Emma's leer.
"What are you doing here?" she hissed through her teeth in a hushed tone. "And how the hell did you...?" There wasn't a need to finish the question as her eyes drifted over to the window she normally leaves open. Still, it wasn't an invitation for the blonde to break into her house!
Emma stood up and took a tentative step towards the fuming brunette. "We need to talk."
"I think not, Miss Swan." Regina crossed her arms over her chest resolutely and glared at the other woman, finding the nerve she displayed to make such a demand incredulous. "Now, get out of my house."
But Emma wasn't about to relent just like that. "No! Whether you like it or not, Regina, we are talking. First of all, we are having a discussion about these mixed messages you keep sending. I can't take much more of this."
Both of Regina's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "Excuse me? My mixed messages?"
"Well, yeah," Emma drawled. She really hated to point out the obvious but Regina was leaving her no choice. "You let me in past that wall of yours and then you push me out. Let me in, and push me out. All this yo-yoing is driving me insane. I don't know what the hell it is that you want."
Regina could barely contain her outrage at Emma's audacity to turn this around and pin the blame on her. "Don't you dare," she seethed. "Put this back on me when you are the one playing games here, like this is some big joke to you."
"I'm not playing any goddamn games you keep accusing me of! Why do you keep saying that?" Emma asked, wounded. This entire time of dancing around each other, she had been nothing but honest and genuine. All she wanted was to see where these feelings she had never felt before for another person would take her. Any intentions of the deceitful nature never even crossed her mind, and to hear such accusation was, well, really hurtful.
Regina felt her resolve began to crumble at the sight the sad, frowny face Emma was now sporting. But she quickly reminded herself she cannot keep letting the blonde off the hook so easily, not to fall for another one of her ruses and her pretense of having no idea what Regina was talking about.
"You made me think you cared," Regina said and immediately winced the crack in her voice. She had intended her words to be more stern, more accusatory. But evidently it was difficult to hide the hurt caused by Emma's lies and betrayal. "You really don't though. You just pretend that you do."
"I do care!" Emma exclaimed. She really did. Hell, she more than care!
Regina simply scoffed at her, "Yes dear, you really had me convinced as I walked in on you kissing Graham."
"Oh." Emma visibly deflated as that particular detail was brought up. She scratched the back of her neck uneasily. "Well, about that... It was nothing. It didn't mean anything. I wasn't thinking." She paused, frowning. "Actually, no. I was thinking. I was thinking about you."
"Aw, did you?" Regina cooed in an exaggerated manner. "So sweet of you to think of me while kissing another person!"
Emma sighed at the sarcasm dripping from the Mayor's words. "Okay, yes that sounded weird. But listen, I'm not lying when I say you are all I've been thinking of. I couldn't stop trying to figure out why despite all my effort, you pulled away from me again. You shut me out. So I was at the diner drinking, feeling sorry for myself when Graham found me. He was saying all these nice and sweet things. Things that I'd rather hear from you. And I know this sounds really pathetic." She sheepishly ran her a hand through her hair. "But for a moment there, I just needed to feel I was wanted. It's stupid, but I let him kiss me anyway. And it felt wrong instantly. It was nothing like when we..."
Emma let the words trail off, finding it suddenly difficult to continue as memories of kissing Regina brought a powerful surge of feelings over her. Then she thought bitterly and silently to herself, that at this rate she was not likely to get another chance to feel those lips against her own again.
Regina grind her teeth in irritation, as she too remembered how it felt to be kissing the blonde woman and tried to swallow down the lump that suddenly was lodged in her throat.
'Lies! She has to be lying!'' Regina tried to convince herself, but even her inner voice sounded half-hearted in its conviction. She knew she shouldn't believe Emma, but inevitably there was a growing part of her that really wanted to. God, was she truly so deprived to simply take the blonde at her words?
She shook her head clear of the self-pitying thoughts and pulling her what little resolve she had left together. Scrambling in her head, she needed reasons to not let Emma back inside her walls. "You threw my flowers away," Regina admonished, leveling the blonde with a glare.
"What flowers?" Emma asked, confusion etched on her face. "C'mon, I think I would remember if I got flowers from you." She laughed slightly, nervously. Then quickly sobered when Regina's dour expression failed to lessen its intensity. "Seriously, I'm really not a flowers person anyway. Graham sent me some and I tossed them-" And then it hit her. "Oh..." Suddenly realizing what she had done. "Oh, shit." Holding a hand up to her mouth in horror, Emma muttered, "I'm so sorry." The deputy couldn't believe how stupid she was. "I'm so, so sorry," she apologized again. "I honestly didn't know they were from you."
Regina looked away from the rueful eyes, realizing Emma was most likely speaking the truth because she didn't, in fact, leave a note or anything with the flowers. This was beginning to all seem like they both had simply been too quick to jump to conclusions about each other. Her gaze shifted back to the blonde woman, whom had began pacing in a small circle and muttering under her breath to herself. So where do they go from here? Can she really trust Emma?
'There is a reason why you never had or wanted a relationship!' Emma groused to herself. 'Cause you would totally fuck it all up like you are right now! What a complete joke!'
Eventually, she stopped her berating monologue and her pacing. The deputy looked positively defeated with her head hung low, shoulders slumped and her hands shoved into her jeans pockets. She felt terrible about the mess she had created.
"I don't know what to do," Emma whispered shaking her head. "I'm no good at this. Tell me what you need me to do to make it all better."
She looked imploringly at Regina, but then dropped her gaze when all she got back from the woman was a steady blank stare. Emma cursed under her breath. 'What did you expect her to say that she hadn't already said about a million times over? Leave, is what she would like you to do. At least you wouldn't screw that up. Leaving and running is what you do best after all.'
Unbeknownst to Emma, Regina's lack of response wasn't meant to be a snub at her request. On the contrary, the Mayor surprisingly found herself wanting to be able to give the blonde an answer, but her mind was drawing blanks.
'What do you know about making a relationship work anyway?' her inner voice mocked. Absolutely nothing, was the immediate answer. The truth in that thought made her achingly sad.
Emma caught the pained expression crossing the brunette's face and it made her feel like a jerk for putting it there.
'I should stop,' she bided to herself morosely. 'I can't stupidly carry on pushing her for something I'm never meant to have. All I'm doing is making her miserable.'
"I'm sorry," Emma repeated lowering her gaze to avoid Regina's eyes. She didn't think she could get her entire apology out if she had those deep brown orbs bearing down on her. And now her head suddenly began to pound and she shut her eyes in an attempt to hold off onset of an impending headache, a lovely side effect from consuming nearly an entire bottle of whiskey earlier this evening. "It's just that, the more you put up a fight to make me leave, the more I want to stay. I don't know why this is happening but I have never felt a stronger need to fight to be a part of someone's life. And this isn't even just about Henry it's you too." She chanced a fleeting glance at the brunette. "I know I should have listened the first time you told me to leave. But I just couldn't, you know? I had to try. I never meant to cause you all this grief and be such a big pain in the ass. I just wanted a chance to..." She sighed before continuing. "Never mind, I'm giving you my word I will be out of town by the end of the week."
Emma finally looked back up to Regina, fully expecting her surrender would bring triumph, satisfaction and contentment for the other woman. After all, her leaving was what the Mayor had wanted all along, wasn't it? So why was Regina looking at her now with an expression tensed with anxiety and apprehension?
"You do want me to leave, don't you?" Emma asked tentatively, curiously. Stepping closer to the seemingly speechless brunette, she was able to see the internal war waging behind those brown eyes. "Regina?"
It wasn't that long ago the answer to that was a definite and resounding "yes". Regina could still remember that initial (and regrettably short-lived) burn of a desire to wish the woman gone. But that was when things were simple and clear cut. It was before Emma bullheaded her way into her heart. And when it came to the matter of the blonde deputy, her heart's propensity to regress back to its state of youth, naive and full of hope, was something Regina had resigned herself to accept. She was thankful for the bit of sensibility left in her brain to keep her heart in check. Otherwise, if left solely up to the foolish organ in her chest, she would have allowed herself to heedlessly be lure into Emma's web of lies.
But faced now with Emma's declaration to leave left her realizing that she hadn't been sensible. She was insecure. The conclusion she drew on Emma's intentions wasn't based on logic and reasoning, it was doubt and fear. There were no feelings of victory as her mind processed Emma's words. Instead, all she was aware of at the moment was the feeling of her chest was being crushed in.
"Regina?" Emma tried again, starting to feel unsettled by the lack of response from the brunette. "Just say the words, Regina, and I promise I will be out of your hair from here on. No games, I swear." She hoped it was the assurance the Mayor needed.
'I can't!' Regina screamed in her mind, suddenly unable to bring herself to make the demand she had been freely throwing at the blonde in the past. She wanted desperately to give what her heart yearned for, to recklessly take a gamble its fate on Emma. But even if could she really risk losing her heart to this woman, could she live with the risk to losing Henry?
"Don't take Henry from me," she finally spoke, wide-eyed and fearful. Her hands reached forward. Finding purchase on Emma's ratty tank top, she frantically clutched the threadbare fabric in her fingers.
The desperation in the small gesture was not lost on Emma. Closing the remaining distance between the two, she grasped the trembling brunette's face gently in her hand.
"Never," Emma assured. "Regina, no matter what happens I will never take Henry away from you. That was never my intention."
"Promise?"
To hear the small, vulnerable voice coming from the usually stern and powerful woman was gut-wrenching. And Emma hated herself for playing a part in reducing the woman to such a state of desolation. "Yes, I promise," she swore with every ounce of sincerity she could possibly muster.
Regina released a breath she didn't even realize she was holding and nodded in concession. She didn't want to question why Emma's words were suddenly enough to convince her. They... they just were. It was still true that if she were to lose Henry, she wouldn't survive it and that will never change. But at this moment, she also couldn't bear watching this woman walk out of her life.
"So, uh, does this mean I get to stay?" Emma stammered, while trying to keep the hope she felt bubbling inside of her at bay. She was uncertain as to where she stands at this junction. Regina hadn't exactly given her a clear answer whether she wanted Emma to go or not. Even though the look Regina was giving her appeared to indicate the latter, Emma didn't want to assume because her track record in that area had proven to be quite lousy lately. "I'm serious about leaving if that's what you want. I mean, it would suck 'cause I kinda really want to a part of Henry's life. And of course, yours too. But I won't do it at the cost of you being unhappy. I've decided, I—I just can't bear being the source of your grief-"
"Just shut up," Regina ordered softly, putting a stop to Emma's babbling. When the blonde simply blinked back at her cluelessly, Regina suppressed a roll of her eyes before pulling Emma by the jacket and closed the remaining space between them.
Kissing the Mayor back was an automatic and instinctive response, and it took Emma a short moment before her brain caught up to what was happening.
'I guess it's now safe to assume she wants me to stay,' she happily mused and smiled against the soft lips pressing against her own.
Regina could feel the giddiness rolling of the other woman, and it was infectious. This feeling of lighthearted exhilaration hadn't been privileged to her ever since she lost Daniel. It was so long ago she had forgotten such a feeling even existed.
But here she stood in the middle of her bedroom, a lifetime later, being kissed so thoroughly it was making her knees were weak. And when Emma's arm circled around her waist, pulling her flushed against the blonde, Regina swore her heart did a double flip inside her chest. Just like an old memory being coaxed out of her, she started to remember what it was like to be desired, to be treasured.
And so, Regina offered no resistance when Emma nudged her backwards towards the bed.
She was, by no means, innocent and had a good idea where this was leading up to. The act of sex had always been just that; an act. A show of power. A tool of manipulation she wielded with her body to get what she wanted. Never was it for sentiments' sake. So when they finally reached the bed and Emma gently guided her back onto it, the butterflies Regina suddenly felt in her gut was not lost to her. This had nothing to do with power trips and all to do with genuine passion.
Their lips lost contact with each other when Emma pushed herself up on her hands and Regina watched, spellbound, as the blonde settled between her legs, hovering over her and gazing quietly down at her with reverence. She blinked once, then twice, wondering if it was just wishful thinking to see such a look of adoration bestowed upon herself.
As if sensing the Regina's wariness, Emma brought her hand up to the brunette's face, brushing a thumb over the soft skin in a manner so tender that most wouldn't have guessed the gruff town deputy was capable of it. Truth was no one has ever brought that out that side of her before.
Her effort to reassure paid off when Regina responded to her touch with a blushful smile, and once again Emma found herself in awe at how utterly beautiful the woman was.
'I think I'm in love,' Emma swooned dreamily, and took a moment to marvel at the words now ringing in her head.
So what if she knew absolutely nothing about being in love? Or that she had not one remotely similar experience in her past to draw reference from? She didn't need a prerequisite in the subject to know she was, beyond any doubt, losing her heart to Regina. In introspect, the revelation really should be freaking Emma out given she had always been a bit of a drifter, always made a point to never laid down roots and committing herself to any place or person. But here she was, falling head over heels for her son's adoptive mother. How's that for an anchor to end her wandering days?
'All right, enough musing,' Emma said to herself. 'Less thinking, and more kissing.' It was damn good advice, and there were no reasons not to follow it especially with the beckoning look Regina was sending her.
Leaning back down Emma recaptured those irresistible lips, and her pulse quickened when Regina's mouth immediately moved against hers with gusto. She could sense it deep in her bones, that this was the start of something wonderful. She couldn't remember the last time she allowed herself this, but Emma wholeheartedly believed she finally had a real chance here at the things she had always wanted but never had; love, she placed a tender kiss on Regina's chin; a family, she thought of Henry while her lips left a trail across Regina's perfect jawline; and a home, she nuzzled into the croak of Regina's neck, sighing as she drank in the other woman's scent. Emma had never been more sure before this moment that she was right where she belong. Maybe it was the alcohol finally catching up to her plus the tension she had been feeling for days finally ebbed away, for once in her long, lonely existence, Emma felt a sense of peace fall over her.
Meanwhile, Regina was loving the way she was being kissed, loved the way she was touched, she even loved having the blonde's weight settled atop of her, grounding her because she felt like she would float away otherwise. A sharp gasp escaped her when eager lips found a particular sensitive spot on her neck, causing her own hips to instinctively roll and grind up against Emma's.
Regina was on fire.
The need to feel more of the blonde was starting to overwhelm her. In an almost frantic manner, Regina clawed at the back collar of Emma's leather jacket and tried to push the damn thing off her shoulders. She had expected the blonde would get the hint and lift herself up to help, not the wet, gurgly snort right into her ear.
"Miss Swan!" she squawked, whipping her head away from the offending act. She shoved at Emma, but the woman was now snoring lightly, trapping the now indignant Mayor underneath her. Talk about the proverbial bucket of ice water. Whatever heated passion Regina was feeling minutes ago had now been replaced with utter annoyance.
Regina tried to push Emma off of her again, but all she got for her effort was incoherent mumbling from the deputy. She was really starting to get angry now. Never in her life, whether in the old world or this one, had she got someone falling asleep on her. It was preposterous!
"Swan!" she hissed into the blonde's ear. "Get the hell off me or god help me-"
But Emma simply just nuzzled further into Regina's neck, circling her arms around the woman and snuggle even closer. "Nice... Like home," she garbled before letting out a long, contended sigh and returned to her drunken slumber.
The Regina's heart fluttered, momentarily forgetting she was supposed to be mad. Home. Regina replayed the word in her mind. 'Does... does she really feel that way? With me?'
Regina wanted Emma to wake up and explain herself. To explain what she meant. And most importantly, if she meant what she said. But Emma's breathing had evened out now, telling Regina that there would be no point trying to rouse the inebriated woman. Remarkably, it was the soft, rhythmic breath blowing on her skin helped quell some of Regina's anxiety. She let out a tired sigh, drained from having been drag through every emotion there was in just one evening.
'What am I going to do with you?' Regina pondered.
The question was needless, really, since she already knew what the answer would be. She truly did want to let Emma into her heart. And she knew she had only herself to blame for all the pushing and pulling that went on between them. As much as she wanted to let her guard down, it hadn't been easy to just shake off the fear and paranoia that were second nature to her. But if there was anyone that Regina would to take a leap of faith for, it would be Emma Swan.
Regina was scared, but she was also so damn tired of being alone. Her fingers absently ran through the sleeping deputy's blonde tresses and she made up her mind. She was going to be brave for Emma.
Turning her head she pressed her cheek against the mass of blonde hair and sighed, relishing the texture and scent. "Emma," Regina spoke softly and the tremor in her voice immediately made her nose scrunch up with dismay. Indeed, she had used the woman's first name, cursed it even, many times over in her head. But to finally call out to the woman by such just felt unfamiliar rolling off her tongue.
"Emma," she tried out the name again, this time her voice a little more firm, a bit more bold. A tentative smile made its way onto her face. She continued to chant the blonde's name to herself, glad that Emma was unconscious because this would be far too embarrassing for Regina otherwise. It really wasn't all that unpleasant.
'I can do this,' Regina thought to herself happily, and the smile on her face grew wider as she slid her arms around Emma, holding on tight.
As she basked in the warmth between their bodies, Regina decided that she could definitely get used to this. And right then, she also realized how wrong her mother was.
To want the love and affection of another person is not a display of weakness. While she certainly wouldn't call this thing between her and Emma love, it seemed to serve no purpose denying the obvious attraction they have for each other. There just was something about the infuriating blonde that kept reeling Regina in time and time again. It also was the closest thing to happiness she had felt in decades. And to want to hold onto it so much that she was willing to take a chance letting Emma pass the wall she built around herself and into her heart, that took insurmountable amount of strength and courage on Regina's part.
So indeed, her mother had the whole idea wrong. Regina was far from being the love-sick, pathetic fool she was made to believe.
There was a sense of pride bubbling out from her chest. Her new found bravery made her confident in her determination to open herself up to Emma, her usual doubt and worries pushed back to the deepest part of her mind. She had to admit, it felt really good.
With effort, Regina managed to shuffle both herself and the dead weight of her deputy up towards the head of the bed. She pushed Emma off of her and the blonde rolled onto her back. In a gesture born out of being a mother for the past 10 years, Regina tried to wrestle the red leather jacket off Emma thinking the woman would sleep more comfortably out of it. But the task was quickly abandoned since it was impossible to peel an article of clothing (especially when leather don't exactly offer a lot of give when stretched and pulled) off a person completely unresponsive to any verbal cues to help with the process in any way. So Regina moved to remove the knee-high boots instead. By the time she got one boot off and was tediously worked the long laces of the other one loose, she swore to herself that if she ever had to take these awful boots off again she would simply take a pair of scissors to the laces.
When she finally got the both boots off Emma's feet and had the footwear placed on the carpet at the end of bed (she'd be sending the deputy the bill for carpet cleaning), she took stock of the woman sprawled on her bed and decided it would be pointless to try maneuvering her underneath the bed covers. Retrieving a spare blanket from her closet, Regina threw it over the blonde. In a moment of consideration that lasted only mere seconds, she was climbing back onto the bed and settled herself next to Emma, reaching over to tug and adjust the blanket so it covered the both of them.
From her place on her own pillow Regina watched as Emma softly snored away, eyes tracing the outline of her profile and thinking how strange it was for her to fall for, of all the people and in all this time since being in this world, Emma Swan. On one hand the coincident of this woman being her adoptive son's birth mother boggled her mind, but on the other hand, it also all made perfect sense.
Regina let out a sigh as she reached over and brushed away a lock of blonde hair off Emma's forehead. She eventually lost track of how long she looked at Emma. And when sleep finally caught up with her too, her last thought before falling asleep was, 'Please don't break my heart'.