Chapter 10: Golden Goose Eggs

There was a muffled explosion in the distance and everyone looked up.

"Is that from Violet?" Cheryl asked.

Wanker's phone rang and he picked up. "What is it? Yes, i'm aware of that. Wait what? I wasn't aware of THAT, how did that happen? You sent a team to find out the problem? Good. What do you mean you can't find the team? Oh, yeah that's right. Well get everything together. Calm yo tits Lily! You know i'm busy! I'm sure you can handle it. Yes, you can. I don't care HOW you get everything back under control just GET IT DONE!" Wanker hung up and took a deep breath while grooming his eyebrows with his hand. "Shall we?"

Everyone agreed without argument. Several Oompi Loompi's were running up and down the hallway.

"Is everything alright?" Montgomery asked.

"Everything's fine. The factories going through a few problems at the moment, but they'll be solved i'm sure." Another explosion rocked in the distance and the lights flickered.

As they walked, Fili and Kili kept to the back of the group as usual.

"You know, I was thinking about what that clone said to me." Fili began.

"465?"

"Shhh. Yeah. He said 'help us' if we can."

"Do you think he expects us to do something?"

"Well, what can we do?"

The brothers looked at each other and then shrugged hopelessly. They knew Wanker's secret, but at the current time being, there was nothing they could really do about it. Not yet.

They continued walking along the hallway until Wanker led them to a large room that looked like a massive college lecture hall. Only instead of an audience of students, there were geese. Large geese sitting on seats raised above a cushion. Every so often one of these geese would lay a massive golden egg that would land softly on the cushions beneath to be later picked up by one of the handful of Oompi Loompi's that worked in the room.

As they got closer to the geese, Fii and Kili were amazed to realize that these geese were even larger than they had appeared from afar. They were monstrous geese, several times larger than the size of normal ones and the eggs were the size of basketballs.

"This is the Golden Egg Room!" Wanker began

"Eggs aren't candy. Why do you even have this room?" Mike asked.

"These are chocolate golden eggs. They're a real delicacy in the far south. In fact 80% of our profits from these eggs alone come from people in the Harad."

"Where do these geese come from?" Cheryl asked curiously.

"Oh well, I'm not quite sure how to explain it."

"You suck at explaining things." Mike commented.

"Well Radagast offered me a few, then I had Saruman genetically modify their DNA and then I had them placed on a strict diet of chocolate and milk and then-"

"Daddy! I want a golden egg!" Veruca shouted

"Ok darling. Wanker, how much for an e-"

"NO! Not an egg, I want a goose!" Veruca screamed

"Ok. You heard her Wanker, how much for a goose?"

Wanker looked at Montgomery blankly and then at Veruca and then back at Montgomery again. "I'm sorry Mr. Zass, these geese aren't for sale but you can still buy an egg, although to buy an egg you have to go online, put your name on a waiting list since production on these are limited, then wait for-"

"But I don't want a damn golden egg! I want a goose! NOOW!" Veruca whined.

"How much Wanker? I can start the offer at 2 Million. Name your price."

"Did I not just say that they weren't for sale?"

Veruca pouted sourly and crossed her arms, staring at the geese angrily.

Fili and Kili looked over to the front of the room and saw a long table where several Oompi Loompi's were packing the eggs into large gift baskets.

It was hard to believe that under all those helmets were a bunch of identical looking Bilbo's and they were the only ones who knew it.

"You." Fili jumped when Veruca suddenly appeared behind him. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"You have a favor to ask of me?" Fili responded in disbelief.

She whispered just loud enough for only the three of them to hear. "Can you steal a goose for me?"

Kili started laughing out loud at the question. Fili just looked at her with his eyelids drooped halfway down his eyes in annoyance. "Really? Are you serious?"

"Yes! I want one. You can have him help you." And she pointed to Kili.

"Me?" He shook his head "Mmm-mmm. Nope. Sorry. Not being sucked into this."

"C'mon! Pleeeease!" She begged.

Fili rolled his eyes "Those geese can probably rip off an arm. And think for a moment, how am I in any possible way supposed to 'steal' one from this factory? Hide it under my jacket until the tour is over?"

"If you can steal it..." She began while batting her eyelashes. "I'll be your girlfriend!" Kili doubled over laughing.

"Tell me, has that technique ever gotten you an actual boyfriend?" Fili asked.

"Yes."

"HYA-CHOO!" Kili sneezed. "Sorry, i'm allergic to bullsh*t."

"IT HAS!"

Fili rolled his eyes and began seriously. "Veruca... i'm not... stealing... a goose. Get over it. Hasn't your father ever told you to be thankful for what you already have?" And then he walked back over to the group ignoring her.

Veruca turned red and started shaking.

Kili noticed and started tapping his brother's shoulder. "Bro, I think you pissed her off big time." Fili turned and saw Veruca shaking with her fists clenched tightly.

"Are you seriously getting angry because no one here can smuggle out a gigantic goose out of this factory for you?" She didn't answer.

Kili stood in front of her. "You know, normally kids stop the i'm-getting-so-angry-I think-I-can-scare-you technique when they're still in elementary, i'm guessing this technique still works on your dad?"

"JJJYYYEAAAAUUGHH!" Veruca screamed like an undead zombie girl and lunged forward, pushing Kili aside and tackling Fili to the ground where she started punching him furiously.

"Veruca! What the devil are you doing?!" Montgomery rushed over when he saw the commotion. Kili grabbed her from behind and tried lifting her off his brother when she brought a stiff elbow straight into his groin, dropping her straight back down onto Fili.

"I want a damn goose!" She screamed over and over again. Montgomery was now trying to break Veruca off of Fili now that Kili was on the ground wincing in pain with his hands cupped over his family jewels.

"And this is why I don't have children." Wanker commented from the side. Cheryl and Mike were just staring at the commotion helplessly.

"Veruca, stop this nonsense!" Montgomery shouted.

"Give me a goose and I will!"

"Not happening sweetie." Wanker answered.

"Then you will pay!" She screamed with a demonically deep sounding voice.

"I swear this girl is possessed or something!" Fili screamed from beneath Veruca's punches. Montgomery finally lifted her off before she shoved him aside and ran over towards the packing table. Then she went rampaging, flying bag stuffing, ribbons and packing material everywhere. The Oompi Loompi's struggled to make sure she didn't break anything, but it was no use, she was raising Hell and smashing everything in that room to bits.

"If you won't give me a goose, i'll get one myself!" She shrieked.

"Go ahead, i'd like to see you try." Wanker said provokingly.

She then started running towards the geese as fast as she could. Wanker's eyes widened in disbelief.

Kili looked up from the ground. "Why would you say that!? Are you out of your mind!?"

"I didn't think she'd actually do it!"

"I want you!" Veruca pointed at one in the front row and ran straight towards it with arms held out straight in front of her.

"Stop! I wouldn't approach them like that if I were you!" Wanker warned, even though he knew already she would ignore it.

"C'mere you!" She shouted and then all Hell broke loose... again (as if it hadn't already).

If you've ever been in a city square and saw a child run into a group of pigeons that then took off and scattered in every direction, imagine that same scene only increase the size of the birds several dozen times and then confine it all in one room. That is exactly what happened.

The geese were everywhere and the room was suddenly flooded with the sounds of their beaks honking. No one was safe. It was pure chaos. Everyone ran for cover, but the angry geese began attacking everything. Wanker was being held back as he tried to run from two geese that were biting the bottom of his coat while another goose began biting Cheryl's arm as she whacked it on the head with her purse as another gnawed at her ankle. Mike ran and hid under the packing table and Montgomery was lying down on the ground with his hands held over his head as one goose stood on top of him, mercilessly jabbing it's beak at his upper back.

Strangely though, none were attacking Fili or Kili. It was as though they were invisible to the geese.

"Why are none attacking us?" Kili asked.

Fili sniffed himself, then his brother. "We still smell like the soap from that stupid car."

Then Veruca's voice rang out above the chaos. "Help me!" Everyone (well mostly everyone) looked on in horror as they saw Veruca literally being carried away by a horde of geese like a person crowd surfing. Wanker and Mike were smiling.

"Someone help me!" Veruca cried again. Montgomery's fatherly instincts must've kicked in as he sprang up from the ground and ran over to save his daughter. His courageousness was quite inspiring, but unfortunately, he wasn't so successful as he too was captured by the geese and was also carried away in the same manner as his daughter.

Soon after, the massive horde of geese cleared the room and emptied out into the hallway with both Veruca and Montgomery's cries slowly fading in the distance, leaving the Golden Egg Room an utter mess with feathers falling everywhere to the floor like snow in an eerie silence.

"Great just great." Wanker sighed. "Now there's a horde of giant, wild, angry, geese roaming around the factory." He dialed his phone and waited for Lily to pick up. "And now my assistant isn't answering her phone."

"Are they gonna be ok?" Cheryl asked. Fili noticed her rubbing her arm trying to sooth the pain. She's gonna have a huge bruise there tomorrow, guarantee.

Wanker dug his phone back into his pocket and fished for his pill container. "I honestly don't care."

Kili brushed off a few feathers from his shoulder. "So what happens now?"

Everyone gasped quietly as they saw Wanker down the rest of the pills that were in his pill container in a single gulp. He took a few more deep breaths. "We continue on with the tour of course." he fixed his coat and led everyone back out into the hallway and began leading them once more.

Alarms blaring. Fires burning. Sprinklers showering. Lights flickering. Chocolate flooding. Violet wrecking. And now the geese were... rampaging. The factory was falling apart. Literally. There was absolutely no order. Basically everything that shouldn't be happening, was happening. Everything that could go wrong, was going wrong.

Oompi 465 was running down one of the basement levels with a duffle bag full of his belongings, he was getting out, he didn't care how he got out, as long as he did. Oompi Loompi's-Screw it let's just call them what they really are-CLONES were running everywhere, half of them weren't even in their uniforms. With the state the factory was in, he highly doubted anyone would care.

The lights were flickering in the hall when he ran into a group of other clones being lead by 189.

"You can't go that way."

"Why not?" 465 asked.

"The chocolate is rising up stairwell 6. This floor is next to be flooded. You need to go up to a higher level."

"Is there anyone trying to fix that damn river?"

Suddenly the hallway began to shake and rock violently as what sounded like thunder began to approach. It was Violet.

She must've passed several rooms nearby as the thundering sound and shaking began to fade.

"Alot of things are supposed to be getting fixed in this chaos. I doubt any of it is happening. We're heading up to the Licorice Room. 31 wants to hold a meeting with as much of us as he can."

"A meeting? I just came from there! What kind of meeting?" 465 was confused. 31 was among their 'elders' and he was well respected.

"We don't know, but it sounds important. Will you join us?"

"I don't really have a choice in this madness do I?"

Outside, reporters from various news agencies were starting to take notice of the smoke beginning to rise from several windows as well as the chocolate beginning to seep out of the ground in the surrounding areas outside the factory like tar pits

465 clutched onto his bag as he followed the group back towards the Licorice Room. He had woken up that morning with the thought that it would just be another boring and glum working day only with a few guests. He wondered how it all happened so quickly. Then he remembered what he said to the two dwarves he met earlier.

Help us... if you can.

THANKS FOR READING! (follow/fave/review if you want)

This chapter is definitely more crackish and I had a blast writing it. Obviously, with the geese, this is a parody of the classic film than Tim Burton's film.

Veruca's possessed-zombie like behavior is somewhat inspired by the first zombie girl you see in the 2004 film Dawn of the Dead.

Hopefully you're all getting the sense that the factory is totally falling apart because that is EXACTLY what's happening... and it's not over yet. =)