A/N: sorry this took so long. Vacation, and then starting a new job where not only are we busy all day, but have stuff at night. It's been intense. The semester starts soon, so new chaps may come slower as I adjust to all of my new responsibilities. Ugh.
This chapter was the first time I've been a little surprised by where the characters led me.
P.S. big reveal happening soon.
Steve pulls Viola and Bucky into his apartment quickly. He turns and locks the door, still clinging to his best friends' hand. He has reached panic as they've made their way through the city. There is too much to do. Make sure Bucky is safe. Forever. Fix everything.
Suddenly the locks on the door aren't even close to strong enough. Hydra likely still wants Bucky, and there is nothing Steve can do about it. He has to call Nat and Sam. He has to fix Bucky. Viola isn't safe here, with them, she's going to get hurt. His chest floods with heat. Or cold. Is he having an asthma attack? There is so much pressure on his heart, and now he feels like he's on the verge of tears. His throat swells closed and he is standing at the door with his phone in his hand, frozen because he doesn't know what the fuck to do to help his best friend in the entire world. There is no SHIELD, no one he trusts, just Steve.
A squeeze on his hand jolts him back to his body. He didn't realize how tightly he was clinging to Bucky, but obviously the man just squeezed back. What does that mean?
He looks up. Bucky looks like shit. If Steve thought that seeing him as the Winter Soldier was bad, this is a thousand times worse. His hair is longer still, brushing his collarbones, greasy, and matted. His face is gaunt, his cheekbones pushing too sharply at the skin underneath. The deep bruises under his eyes are an obvious testament to his lack of sleep.
The rest of his body is no better. Clothes hang loosely on his frame, but even still Steve can see how much weight Bucky has lost. How little muscle is left. His left arm hangs oddly from his shoulder, and Steve surmises that Bucky no longer has the muscle mass to support its weight.
Bucky's eyes stare seemingly at nothing. Then, quickly, they dart from Steve, to Viola, then to where their hands are still joined.
Steve's eyes turn to Viola, and he can't help showing her his panic and worry. His eyes water again as she meets his gaze with love, understanding, and a smile.
That's right. He's not alone. He exhales. Smiles back at his lover. It strikes him that meeting her might be the best thing to happen to him since he woke up.
Viola swings her arms in parody of nonchalance. "Okay, yay, everybody's here. You, my homeless comrade, need a bath like nobody's business." She smiles, leaning forward to catch Bucky's gaze. "I'd like to help you get clean. Do I have your permission to do that?" Her face is the picture of patience, kindness, understanding. And Steve knows that, to an extent, she does understand. He holds his breath waiting to see whether she will get a response.
The three of them stand in an odd triangle without talking for what seems like an eternity. Finally, Bucky nods once. Viola smiles at him before turning to Steve.
"Okay, then. Steve, why don't you call Sam and Nat and see if you can find some clothes for Bucky while we get clean?"
Steve is frozen. He doesn't want to let go of Bucky's hand, but he needs a moment to pull himself together. Most of all, he's worried about Viola. He pulls her close so he can whisper in her ear.
"I don't know about this. He could hurt you badly, by accident. I don't feel comfortable leaving the two of you alone together."
Viola nods. "I get that you're worried, but it's okay. He wouldn't even mean it, but he could lash out if he gets startled. I can take care of myself, and you'll be close. More importantly, he's not sure you're really here, and he seems more able to believe that I'm real. Take the time, pull yourself together, and hopefully by the time we're done he'll be a little more pulled together, too."
Kind brown eyes smile up at him. Steve is so fucking turned around right now, and he needs to process everything that is going on in his head right now. He presses his lips into a quick smile, rubbing his hand along the outside of her arm in thanks. He doesn't want to let go of Bucky's hand (ever again), but he gives it a squeeze before replacing his hand with Viola's.
"Okay, Buck. Viola will take good care of you, and if you need me I'll be right out here." Steve stands stiffly, needing to decompress but needing his friend not to see it. Bucky passively lets himself be led away.
Steve feels as if all of his nerves are on fire. He is crawling out of his skin and feels a sudden urge to scream. Instead he grits his teeth and makes the fastest phone call he has ever made ("Nat? It's Steve. We found Bucky. Pick up Sam and get here now.").
That done, he stands in his living room and flails around for something to ground himself. He talks to himself.
"Bucky is here. In my apartment. He's not dead and no one is trying to kill him..at least for now. He knows who I am. He didn't try to kill us."
He repeats these thoughts or variations of them until it sinks in. This is not even close to the worst case scenario. His breathing slows. This isn't even close to the worst case scenario. Things are going to be okay.
He walks silently to the bathroom door (Viola has wisely left it open), and peeks in. Bucky is sitting, naked and doll-like, in the bath. Viola sits in front of him, clothing soaked. She starts to wash his hair, and Steve sees Bucky's eyes close as she massages his scalp. He can see her whisper; after a moment of concentration, his super hearing picks up a song.
He hears Viola sing a slow, sweet song. She sings softly to Bucky, repeating the words as she gently rinses his hair. Looking up, she spies Steve and nods to him, signaling that everything is okay. He nods in return. Heads to the bedroom, pulls some clothes he thinks will fit Bucky, drops them off on the bathroom sink (Bucky doesn't even look up at the intrusion) makes his way back to the living room.
There's a knock at the door and Steve rushes to let Sam and Nat in. He locks the door behind them.
His friends stand in the entry, eyes on him. Nat looks as high strung as Steve feels.
"What's going on, man? Nat said you found Bucky? What the hell happened?" Sam questions.
Steve nods. "We found him, alright." He presses his hand to his face for a moment. "He was..." shakes his head. "He's the fucking homeless man Viola and I have been taking food to for weeks." He doesn't look up, doesn't want to see their faces. "I've been screwing around all summer and he's been right. There. And I finally showed her a picture of what he looks like now, and...that was that." He sighs. "I've been within feet of him more than once, and I never bothered to LOOK. But. He came with us. He seems to think I'm not real, but he's...cooperating. He knows who I am. That's all I've got." He still doesn't look up.
He hears Natasha's emotionless voice. "Where is he now?"
"In the bathroom. Viola's giving him a bath. I'm sure she could use your help."
He knows that the two of them are having a silent conversation, but he doesn't care. He hears Natasha walk away, and he relaxes enough to sit in a chair, head in his hands. He takes a deep, shuddering breath.
A beat later, Sam's hand squeezes his shoulder as his friend passes him to sit on the couch.
"Hey. Steve. Take a nice breath for me, okay?" Steve complies. "Great." He hears his friend blow out a sigh of his own.
"Okay. First things first, Bucky is here. Nothing else matters. You got Bucky back. He's here, he's okay for now, everything else we can handle. Right?"
Steve huffs a laugh. "That's the thing, Sam. All of my fuck ups aside, that's why I'm freaking out. What the hell do I do now?" As he speaks, he finally meets his friend's kind eyes, and feels the tears that have been threatening all evening break free.
"I have no idea what to do to help him, Sam. What if I fuck him up? Am I the wrong person to do this because I'm so emotionally involved? I just...I want (need, whispers his mind...need, need...) Bucky to be better. But I'm not sure that I'm the person to make that happen. And I don't know what to do." It hurts, a little, to meet his friend's eyes and bare himself. But he needs this. He needs these fears answered.
Sam chuckles. "Oh, Steve. We are all here to help you. Nobody's expecting you to fix the brainwashed ex assassin all by yourself." Steve's head snaps up; his eyes meet the other man's. "Either way, he's gonna need you. He needs a support system, you know that. And you're the best thing he could ever get. You know better than any of us what a lot of his triggers will be, and how to deal with them. Nat can take care of the stuff you don't know."
Sam is smiling earnestly. "Don't tell me you don't know what to do when you're the one who's been researching all of this for however long. Between the four of us, Bucky's gonna get taken care of. I can't guarantee he'll be okay, but we are as prepared as anyone can be for a situation like this."
After a moment, Steve nods. "You're right. God, you're right. Just...having him here, after so long...I guess it really messed with my mind." He breathes a little easier.
Sam cracks a grin. "Hey, this guy means a lot to you, it makes sense that he would put you on your ear a little. But there's one thing I think you might want to get out of the way now..."
Steve looks curiously as his friend. He nods for him to go on.
"I think the arm's gotta go, man. That thing was made by a bunch of fucking crazy people, god knows what it's got in it, or if it's tracking him or some shit...I really think you oughtta call your friend Tony and see what he can do."
"I agree." Viola's voice calls out from the doorway. She has changed into dry clothes, Steve sees as she makes her way toward the men. "You haven't seen him yet, Sam, but that arm is hanging funny. I'd guess that he's lost too much weight and muscle tone to be able to use it properly anyway. It's not gonna be fun, but you're actually right on this one, Sam."
Steve pulls her down to sit on his lap. He needs the contact right now. "Okay. I'll call Tony." He squeezes Viola tighter for a moment, not ready to let go.
"While we're talking next steps, I wanted to bring up some things." Steve gives his attention to Viola as she speaks. "We do need to know what he remembers, but...Steve, I want you to realize that, aside from that, it'd be better if you let him bring up the past first. It might be frustrating or painful for him if you ask him about things from your past. It will also reinforce the idea that you want him to be that person."
Steve nods, wanting to stop her there. She's right, of course. He'll have to tread carefully. He sighs again, more deeply.
"I think it's a good idea for us all to and figure out where he's at. Nat's feeding him now. I'll go call Tony, and we'll get started."
The food girl tells me to call her V. She bathes me gently, working through my hair with a brush. I remember being hosed down like an animal. This is different. I can feel her fingers running through my hair, and it makes me close my eyes. V is careful to let me see the open door no matter what she does. I will try hard not to hurt her.
There is someone else at the door. It is Natasha Romanov, the Black Widow. I let memories flood my head. When they are done I am unsure of whether she is here to kill me or not. V is trying to dry my body, but I make it hard for her, I am so tense. I need to be ready to fight.
But V smiles at Black Widow. Black Widow lets her lips turn up gently. I know enough of her body language to read that as a non threatening smile. Her body is purposely relaxed. Her face turns to me and she does her not smile again.
I take this to mean that she doesn't intend on killing me right now. I let V dress me.
V takes my face in her hands with care. "I need to go get dry. Natasha is here to help. She's going to get you some food. Is that plan okay with you?"
I run the odds. I can't fight past Steve if they do something, and she's not trying to hurt me. I nod. V smiles and touches my shoulder.
I follow Black Widow into the kitchen. She points to a stool. "Sit if you'd like while I cook." I sit. Her movements are slow. She lets me see everything she does as she cooks. I watch to be sure there are no poisons or drugs, but between her and Steve I would not get away if there were. She doesn't turn her back to me. That is for the best.
I eat. She watches me. We are silent. When I am through she directs me to the room with paintings on the walls. Some I recognize. One I do not.
Steve speaks. "Okay. Well, we're really happy you're here, and that you're ok. We all want to help you." He indicates the others one by one. "This is Viola, she brought you food. Then Natasha. Over here is Sam Wilson. Do you remember them?"
His blue eyes stare at me and I remember this look. It is hope. I nod. This makes him smile.
"Great. That's great. You're safe here." His eyes are filled with earnestness. "I know we fought before, but no one will hurt you while you're here. None of us. We hope that you won't hurt us, but we understand that you might accidentally. If you want to leave, you can, and I will help you in any way I am able." He hesitates for a moment. "I'd rather you stay with me, though. Whatever that looks like."
This doesn't seem to require a response from me. I stay still, looking unblinking at him. He is really here, in front of me. V told me in the bath that he had brought me food. I try to readjust to the idea that Steve is here, and he wants me. I can't leave it alone.
"What do you want from me?" Even to my own ears I sound wrong; not human, no emotion in my voice.
His face shows surprise for a moment, quickly covered by thoughtfulness. "I know what you're thinking." He says, a stern expression on his face that I know I have seen many times in the past, "but I'm not going to tell you how much I want my Bucky back, or anything like that. You are my Bucky, just the way you are. You've been changed, and so have I, and we can't go back to before everything. I don't want that." He pauses. "I want you to be happy, however that happens. I want you to be healthy and free from people trying to use you. I want you to figure out what you want to be like now. I want, very badly, to be there to help you through it." He exhales, then looks up at me with a small smile. "But I won't make you."
I try to think of what I should be saying right now. What would Bucky say? He would probably joke. No one in this room would buy that.
I turn my gaze away from Steve for a moment. Sam is quiet and still in his seat, observing but not participating. There may be more to him than I have seen, so I file him away for later. Natasha sits just as still, but I can instinctively see the thoughts running under the surface. She is doing her best to assess me and whatever I say. V smiles warmly when our eyes meet. Her gaze is firm and steady, and I do not have enough prior information to define her emotions.
I turn my eyes to the floor as I finally respond.
"Okay."
I look up in time to see Steve smile brilliantly. "Okay." He says back.
The best thing about the last day for Steve has been talking to Bucky. Okay, asking him questions and getting monosyllabic answers, but still.
The worst thing is that Bucky hasn't slept. He won't sleep. Steve can keep up with him for a few days, but he worries how they will solve this.
The most awkward thing is not knowing what to call him. They ask him what name he would like (Bucky? James? Something different?), but he simply shrugs.
The least awkward thing is Viola, there at Steve's side. Squeezing his hand in reassurance when he starts getting worried about the future. She feels like home.
Then Tony Stark shows up.
Thankfully, Bucky and Viola are in the kitchen when he arrives, so Steve quickly pulls Tony into the spare bedroom (now perfect for Bucky...if he would sleep), shushing him as they go.
"Hey!" The shorter man blusters as he pulls his arms out of Steve's grip. "What the hell? That's no way to treat the genius who flew down from New York to come to you on your top secret whatever mission or something, you know, don't mind me I'm just here because you begged me and all-"
He seems to intend to keep going, so Steve talks over him.
"Yes. Tony, glad you're here, thanks for flying down, now please be quiet." He puts on his best Captain voice. Seeing that the brunet is listening and as quiet as he can be, he continues. "I need your help, but I need you to just listen, ok?" This earns him a nod and an eye roll.
"Great. We really need expertise only you and Bruce can provide." He panders. Unashamedly. Then looks with his best Captain face into Tony's eyes, trying to impress upon him the seriousness of what he's saying.
Ten minutes later Steve has given Tony the breakdown of Bucky, the Winter Soldier, what's happening now, and his concerns about the cybernetic arm. Given the fact that there's no evidence the Winter Soldier was responsible for Howard and Maria Stark's deaths that detail is omitted. Tony has validated his concerns, letting him know there's potentially plenty of deadly traps or locators or self destructs in the thing.
"Just knowing Hydra and their MO, it's definitely gonna have to come off, Cap," the goateed man lectures, "and it's likely to hurt, so probably a good idea to put him out." He chews a handful of whatever snack is currently in his hand. "we can do it tonight if you want, Mr. Freeze."
Steve rolls his eyes at the dig, but a moment of panic rolls through him. "He's never gonna consent to being drugged. He probably won't even want the arm taken off. How am I going to convince him?" He is deeply entrenched in worry now.
Tony looks closely at him for a moment. Then he waves airily. "Don't worry about it, Oh Captain my Captain. Tony's here and he's got it all under control."
This doesn't reassure Steve in the least, but Tony refuses to plot with him, instead saying it will be taken care of. He starts by introducing Tony to the group. Natasha gives him a curt nod, then promptly leaves the room. Sam seems slightly starstruck. Tony eyes Viola up and down for a long moment before she laughs and whispers something in his ear. It makes Tony laugh and kiss her cheek.
It's not Steve's fault he can hear what she says. "Oh honey," she croons in the billionaire's ear, "it'd never work out between you and me. I don't like to top."
Steve is still trying to figure out what she means when Bucky slumps to the side. The super soldier makes to stand and help his friend, only to feel his own knees buckle. Viola's shocked face is the last thing he sees before things go black.
I awaken to a headache and a churning stomach. This isn't so unusual. Neither is the memory loss. I only notice something's really wrong when I go to sit up.
And almost end up on the floor. Because I overbalanced.
I don't want to see, but I still look.
They took my arm.
They took my fucking arm! They took my arm I swear to God I will kill someone they took my arm now I don't have any way of fighting back they took my arm I'm totally helpless and they fucking drugged me!
I hear someone screaming. Footsteps rush into the room, and I realize the person screaming is me.
As always, please read and review!