Apart from my mother, Will was the only one in Ealdor I could trust. He accepted me, understood me and supported me when I needed that. He was not scared of me. In fact, he thought that my magic was the coolest thing in the world.
From about the age of thirteen, I started to enchant things on purpose to amuse him. I was much more confident with my magic now than a few years ago, and I could always fascinate him by my tricks. Those were probably the best years of my childhood; we often romped around the village or the forest surrounding it, and we laughed a lot. Sometimes, though, it still happened that I lost control and did something unintentionally, and I had no idea yet how to stop myself from that. I learnt that my magic was somehow in connection with my feelings; most of the accidents happened when they were very powerful, especially when I was angry, sad or scared. But how was I supposed to ease those feelings?
No matter how much fun we had, a shadow of guilt was always looming over me. It was the first time of my life when I started to keep secrets from my mother. I never wanted to be disobedient, but she wouldn't have understood what magic meant to me. I knew she was worried about me, and I was grateful for her taking so much care of me, but I wasn't a defenceless small child anymore, and I had my own way of doing things. I used magic, but I was never careless, I did it only when nobody but Will was around. I had to do this for my own good. Magic was a part of me, and I couldn't have lived without it. I still remembered being a seven-year-old kid trying to suppress his powers out of fear and ending up lying weak and ill and suffering from high fever. Sometimes my magic had to be released, otherwise I could have caused much more trouble.
I tried to explain this to her when she first caught me on playing with magic, but just as I had expected, she didn't fully understand me.
"You know how dangerous this is, anybody could've seen you!" she scolded me. We were at home and it was almost nightfall, but neither of us cared about the sky getting darker and darker outside.
"Nobody saw us!" I talked back. "And what if they did? We live far from Camelot. This is not Uther's kingdom, he doesn't even care what's happening here." Of course I knew that wasn't true. I was told long time ago that there were manhunters who earned money from selling sorcerers to Uther, and deep inside I was still a little boy terrified of being captured and taken to the king's castle. I just didn't want her to worry about me so much.
"People with magic are being executed in Camelot right at this moment!" she raised her voice. "Merlin, you're not a baby anymore, you can't be so irresponsible!"
"I'm not irresponsible," I answered angrily. "I always look around before doing anything, and Will pays attention, too. I need magic, mother. I just can't hold it back all the time."
"Listen, son, I know how you feel..."
"No, you don't!" I yelled, almost crying. I felt my own anger rising and growing, and magic was pulsing in my veins. All of the candles in the house suddenly ignited with small flickering noises. I squinted at my mother cautiously, expecting her to get even angrier, but she didn't even look at the candles. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to tame myself down, but I couldn't. We'd never had a fight before, and I was completely shattered, because I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone, and it hurt me so much that she didn't understand what I'd been going through. I felt the first teardrop running down my cheek. "You don't have magic, you can never understand it! Magic is a part of me, just like my limbs. I can't stop using it. It would feel like cutting my arm or leg off."
A dead silence fell over us. She was gazing at me with a painful look, and I wished I'd known what was inside her head. She stared deep into my eyes – she didn't have to lower for that anymore because I was almost as tall as she now.
"I don't have magic," she said, "but I'm your mother, and I can feel your pain. And I need you to understand how scared I am of losing you. You're the only one I have left. Please, Merlin, I'm begging you, don't play with your magic anymore. Promise me that you won't."
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be honest and say no, but that deep sorrow in her eyes absorbed all my willpower. I nodded slowly, and I felt my stomach churn as if I was about to get sick. This was my very first promise I knew I was going to break.