Here's chapter 9. (I realized that the numbers seem off because it says this is chapter 10 but chapter 9). Kyoya comes in next chapter, but I can't post that one until tomorrow because 10-12 all go together. But anyway, enjoy
Disclaimer: I own nothing
What If
My next few months were a blur.
I found relief in two things.
Self harm. The pain distracted me from everything and I could finally punish myself for being me. For being horrible.
I stopped eating. At first people would bother me about it but I learned how to eat a little and make it look like I ate a lot more.
At first I didn't get any results but after a while I see myself becoming skinnier. It wasn't enough. There was still fat there.
I was only happy when I was hungry and alone. Having people around was awful.
Every day was the same, I would walk through everything. I gave up on trying and soon I was failing every class. Teachers tried to help me but I didn't care.
Kyoya tried to force me to come back to the club but I couldn't. Eventually they all gave up on me.
Hikaru still bothers me sometimes but he's happy enough with Tamaki so he doesn't need me.
Because of all of this I can be alone. I can do what I want. No matter how hard people try I can't find the motivation to live. I am alive but am I actually living? No but I don't care. I can't care.
Recently suicide attempts have started taking over my life. How many times have I tried?
Pills quickly disappeared, downing wasn't working and hanging just bruised my neck.
I want to die. I can't keep living like this. I didn't want to but what motivation do I have to try and get better?
One attempt became ten which became twenty. I lost track and my whole life was consumed with the hope of dying.
I know what my problem is. I want to die but for some reason I'm holding back. I chicken out. Not take enough pills, not cut deep enough. Why?
It was week before our birthday when I saw my first little ray of hope.
Hikaru was walking down the hall all dressed up. I guessed the host club had some sort of event.
"Hikaru wait a second!" I heard myself calling before I even knew what I was doing. He turned around in shock. "You can't go out looking like that. Your bow tie is crooked and your hair is a disaster!" I quickly fixed him up.
"Kaoru what are you doing?" he looked beyond confused and tears were sparkling in his eyes.
"I don't know Hikaru. But I love you." I hugged him and turned around crying, running back to my room.