10. Farewell
"I'll never see them again. I know that. And they know that. And knowing this, we say farewell." — Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
Just as he and Temari got to their feet, their conversation left unresolved, the door to the apartment swung open. With her head down, Tenten hurried between the two and then down the apartment stairs. She didn't stop. She didn't speak. Her cheeks were aflame and her eyes were downcast, so she must have realized that Shikamaru and Temari had been in the hall for some time, but she wasted no time trying to remedy the situation. Neji stepped up next. He stood in the doorway, fully clothed, and motioned for Temari and Shikamaru to enter into the apartment, as if the two required an invitation. Perhaps he'd heard the conversation; perhaps he understood the delicacy of the situation.
"You sounded like you were having a good time," Temari immediately spoke, launching right into the heart of the matter. Temari was always straightforward and unafraid, and Shikamaru liked that about her. He admired her ability to cut right to the core and maintain some semblance of control. "You know this apartment isn't just yours."
"I wasn't aware you were back," Neji said, addressing Shikamaru rather than Temari. "I wouldn't have been so thoughtless or careless. I," he paused and frowned, "apologize, Shikamaru." Shikamaru had to wonder if the man's apology came from the fact that he'd left Shikamaru to rot in the hallway or if it came from the fact that he'd overhead a private conversation. Shikamaru glanced at Temari and then lifted a shoulder for a shrug.
"No harm done," he dismissed, never really confronting the issue.
Shikamaru was good at skirting around his problems, probably a professional in that sense, and he felt the need to avoid Neji. He didn't want to engage in another argument, not with Temari present. As if sensing the man's discomfort, Temari sighed and made her way toward the stairs. She gave him one final look and then began her descent. Her eyes told him to take care of business, but he wanted to deny such business ever existed in the first place.
"I overheard your conversation," Neji began, "well, I overheard a portion of your conversation. Are you considering moving to Suna?" He looked cool and collected, but Shikamaru had seen the same expression even when the man had been in pain. Shinobi masked their emotions.
"Temari offered me a place to stay," Shikamaru briefly explained. The details made little difference. She'd offered him a place to stay, yes, but she'd offered a lot more than a place to stay. She'd offered him a new beginning, a beginning involving herself. She wanted a relationship with him, something more than he'd ever achieve pining after a man so stubborn and so unwilling to open his heart. "What do you think?" He didn't know why he asked Neji for an opinion, but he did.
"I think you should look at what that means for the village and for yourself. It's a big change," Neji said. He'd moved to close the door behind Shikamaru, but Shikamaru moved to do the same. They ended up standing too close together. Shikamaru still smelled the remains of sweat, but he also smelled the lingering scent of Tenten's perfume, something distinctly feminine in nature. She wouldn't have used it on a mission, certainly nothing requiring stealth, but when she moved around the village, she always smelled of some type of flower, a flower that Shikamaru failed to identify.
"You tried to find a different apartment." Shikamaru finally broached the topic, and Neji visibly winced. Just that reaction fueled the flames. "How long have you been wanting to leave? Am I that difficult of a roommate? Don't bother," Shikamaru huffed.
"With my engagement," he tried, stopping himself. "We can't keep living like this." His voice was low, almost too low, and Shikamaru realized that the words were low so only he would hear them.
"You were 'not going anywhere,' remember? You told me to stop thinking steps ahead. You wanted me to relax. And now you're quick to get rid of me," Shikamaru said, a choked laugh escaping his parted lips. Unknowingly, he'd begun throwing his things into duffel bags. "Maybe Suna is what I need," he pondered, thinking aloud.
Shikamaru stopped throwing his stuff into his bags and looked up at Neji. The man stood there, his arms crossed, just watching Shikamaru throw every personal belonging into unmarked bags. Neji didn't want to see him go, but they both had responsibilities. They had to recover from the war. They had other duties. They weren't kids, had probably never been kids. Genius. Prodigy. Never a child. Never children. They were built up for brighter futures and starved of the present.
"Tell me one thing," Shikamaru finally sighed. He finished depositing his clothes into two bags, never having much of a wardrobe anyway. The clothes had been taken from the clan areas that remained and from donations. He wasn't really attached to much of anything. He was easy to please, in that way. "Why am I not good enough?"
"Excuse me?" Neji seemed confused, his brows knitted to convey the same emotion. "What do you mean?"
"I love you." The silence that followed was answer enough, but he pressed onward. He let the silence bounce off of him until Neji's shocked face contorted into a deep frown. The sincerity with which Shikamaru had shared his declaration was more than enough to let Neji know the seriousness of the conversation.
"Shikamaru-" Neji began, his voice higher and laced with hesitation.
"No. Listen to me." Shikamaru yanked on the zipper for his duffel bag and nearly ran the thing off track. When he stood back up, he closed the distance between them and stared right into Neji's eyes. "I love you. Why am I not good enough? Why am I not enough?" He had a frown on his face then, one of confusion, yes, but also one of pure sadness. What could he fix? What could he change? Was whatever they shared salvageable?
"Don't do this," Neji sighed, shaking his head. "Don't do this to us." He moved to take a step back, and Shikamaru took a step forward. His back to the wall, Neji looked anywhere but into the eyes staring him down. He couldn't look Shikamaru in the face. He wasn't able to explain himself.
"Answer me," Shikamaru practically demanded. "Don't you owe me that much?"
"Owe you? I don't owe you anything," Neji scoffed. Shikamaru placed his hands on the wall then, blocking Neji in even further. Either one of them could have broken the moment, could have sidestepped or moved away, but neither one made the move. "You're good enough. You're enough," Neji finally said, his voice so small and unequipped to handle the passage of thoughts to voice.
"I love you," Shikamaru enunciated.
There was a moment when Neji should have returned the words, but the moment passed in absolute silence. Shaking his head, Shikamaru went back to packing. He let his hands fall from the wall and turned his back on Neji. When he did, Neji wrapped his arms around Shikamaru and held the man. Neji pressed his front tightly against Shikamaru's back and remained that way for several minutes. He missed Shikamaru. He had no real explanation for his actions, other than responsibilities and duties. He did owe Shikamaru. He owed Shikamaru a great deal. But Neji had been stubborn and irritable, unwilling or unable to listen.
"I can't break off my engagement, and I can't make you stay." Neji placed his lips against the side of Shikamaru's neck and left a lingering kiss.
"You can, but you won't," Shikamaru corrected, sighing. "I won't wait for you."
"I'm not asking you to wait for me. It would be selfish and unfair." Neji frowned, his own words eating at his insides. Selfish and unfair, but wanted. Neji wanted Shikamaru to wait, to wait for the inevitable crumbling of the fake marriage, to wait for Tenten to give up and flee from her obviously otherwise entertained husband.
"Come to Suna with me," Shikamaru offered. It was a different kind of solution, one that Neji had never considered, but one he immediately shot down. The Hyuga family would never allow a branch family member to relocate. The branch served to protect the main house, something that had never changed. Neji still wanted to look after Hinata, as silly as it sounded. Sometime during Neji's thought process, Shikamaru had turned around. Neji wasted no time leaning forward to kiss him on the lips.
"Stay in Konoha," Neji countered.
"And watch you move on with her? No," Shikamaru practically snorted, his distaste for Tenten only made more obvious. Releasing a heavy sigh, Shikamaru let his hands wander along the sides of Neji's body. "I want to stay with you tonight."
"Then stay with me tonight," Neji said. He had a subtle upturn of his lips, just the ghost of a smile, but it made Shikamaru question everything all over again.
Shikamaru left his bags resting by the door, and then he excused himself to go and talk with Temari and meet once more with Kakashi, the interim Hokage. Temari fell in step beside him and the two of them talked along the way. Well, Shikamaru answered a lot of unasked questions, and Temari did her best to listen, without interruption. Yes, he still planned on going to Suna. Yes, he still intended to stay with her. Yes, he still had unresolved issues with Neji. No, he and Neji would never work out. It just wasn't in the cards, so to speak. When the two of them got to the Hokage tower, Shikamaru entered first, followed by Temari.
"Denied."
After Kakashi spoke, Shikamaru stared at him, mouth ajar. Shikamaru tried to wrap his head around the fact that he had nowhere to go. The severity of the situation had risen, considering he'd already packed his belongings. Faced with a problem, he brought his hands together and tried to clear his mind and readjust his thought process. Before he had a chance to approach the problem from a new angle, Temari stepped forward.
"What about an extended mission or a new position? Liaison? Representative? You need a connector to Suna, just like Suna needs a connector to Konoha." Temari had her palm resting atop the desk, as if she'd been challenged.
"The deer have returned to Nara land and as the remaining Nara, it's fallen on you to care for them," Kakashi explained, his tone extremely heavy.
"Then find me another place to live," Shikamaru frowned. "I need a place by tomorrow night."
"Have you asked Chouji? What about Naruto?" Kakashi looked disinterested then, and the man didn't try to hide the fact. So desperate to avoid the subject, he started shuffling through papers on his desk. "If this is a matter of finding you a roommate, can't you do that for yourself?"
"Find him another place to live or we're getting Gaara involved," Temari stated, his eyes narrowing.
"So it's come to that," Kakashi said, his eyes also narrowing. He waited a moment, and then he sighed, "I can assign you as a liaison, but you're expected to spend at least one week out of a month in the village. You'll receive a monthly payment for a B-rank level mission, and that's pushing our funds. If you need money outside of your stipend, you'll have to pick up civilian work. And I expect you to continue your family's work, for the sake of medicine."
"Understood. Thank you, Hokage-sama," Shikamaru replied, an automatic and emotionless response.
Nothing compared to the feeling of finality. Except for seven days out of every month, he had full control of his life. He chose to move to Suna, to start over somewhere new, and he'd taken his first steps. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't have relied on Temari, but he felt as if he had no choice. Relying on someone set him up for the same failure. Eventually, they'd have a disagreement and Shikamaru would be thrown onto the streets with only his belongings for company, and a constant reminder of his duty to serve as a liaison. With some reserve, he parted ways with Temari. She went to the apartment she was sharing with her brother, while he went back to spend one final night in the place he'd called home. He'd never been very good with goodbyes.
A/N: So he's leaving to live with Temari. Let's see how that works out. Next up: Chapter 11, Kisses.