"I'm on my knees Dont know how
only memories
are left for me to hold
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together
Theres no escape Nothing comes easily I feel the cold Come what may Nothing comes easily Nothing comes easily
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
I wont fade away
But I know I might change
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
I love you..."
Grace - Kate Havnevik
The rain was really coming down now, turning the forest into a muddy swamp. Yet they still sat there with the water pouring down on them, holding each other. Night had fallen, and any number of nasty beasties could have easily gobbled them both up, but they would have died together. Her tears had died off long ago, yet they still clung to each other as if to keep from drowning.
She felt him shake involuntarily beneath her, and realized that the onset of night had brought on a chill. She too was shivering with the cold, and the icy rain was not helping. "You're cold...," she said lightly, breaking the silence between them.
"M-m-me? C-c-c-old? Never-r-r-r..." He said through his shivering and she smiled against him. She lifted her face from his chest, and looked at him. His lips had gone blue, and his teeth where chattering. Edana couldn't help the smile that was quickly widening on her face.
He looked at her, and tried to smile through the chattering. "D'you find-d-d this Fuh-funny?" He asked her, and she burst into a fit of giggles. He mock frowned then, but he felt warmer having seen her smile. She giggled again, shivering as well as she did. "You look like Oghren after a hard night of ale! Lips blue, and nose as red as a strawberry." She spluttered, her laughs moving from giggles to a breathless roaring.
Alistair feigned shock and dismay, which only made her, laugh harder. Soon she was out of breath and snorting uncontrollably. He laughed with her now, the snorting a trait that he used to enjoy. Of course it always led to him torturing her about it relentlessly, her snorting all the while. "I Aw-aw-oughta leave you out here to fuh-freeze" He said though his own laughter.
"Leave me to freeze!" she said breathlessly, "Perish the thought! Surely you couldn't leave me out here all by myself... And with a bum knee!" She laughed, clutching her side in a stitch.
Alistair grumbled then and plopped her down squarely in the mud. This only caused her to go into a fresh fit of snorting and giggles. Ignoring her he picked up his wet plate armor and began strapping it back on. Her giggles began to die, as she watched him from her spot in the mud.
Her eyes trailed over the expanse of his muscled back, locking on to his profile. His arms masterfully pulled on the armor, and she watched with longing as they disappeared beneath the glint of plate mail. Her body gave an involuntary shudder as her memory forced her to recall night in which she spent wrapped in their strong hold. How his heavy clumsy looking fingers could make her heart and body sing like a harp, and how his lips felt when they touched hers...
She felt another wave of sadness wash over her; she realized that she would never again feel him against her. She would never again hear his snores while they slept, or feel him against her back pressed against her, one arm over her side with it's hand cupping one breast as they slept. Most of all she missed the feeling that she was safe. She marveled at how those strong arms made her feel as if they could block out the horrors of the world and keep her warm forever. And the way he looked at her... The way his chocolate eyes could see no wrong in her, and how they made her want to give him everything in the world. She often thought of their life together after the Blight. They could have traveled anywhere, done anything, been together, really and truly... just existed, camp-to-camp, and day-to-day. They would have been childless and so family acting as nomads would not have been frowned upon. And when the nightmares returned, they would go to the Deep Roads together and die fighting. Die loving, and loved. Together in afterlife... eternally in love.
And then reality came up and punched her right in the eye. Alistair turned to face her then, and saw the serious look on her face. The playful light in his eyes died, and he studied her back until her eyes met his face. "Why are you here Alistair?" She asked him simply, the coldness returning to her eyes.
Alistair squirmed a little on the spot, and shook his head. "No, not now. Not after all of that. Edana..." he struggled with his own words, and his want to simply be with her tonight as a friend. He shook his head, and looked at her with desperate eyes. "Please not tonight..."
Edana stood up carefully, mud running down her legs as the rain washed it off of her. He was fumbling with the straps on his armor, trying to get it fastened. She picked up his sword, and began limping away. "Hey!" He called after her, grabbing up his shield and starting off after her. "That's mine!" He said like an impatient child, but she ignored him.
"And I am unarmed Ser Templar." She stated simply. He stopped in his tracks, a strange look on his face as if he were trying to hard to understand her logic. "Yes... You are, but now I am too." She stopped to look at him for a moment. "You have a shield Alistair, and I have nothing. I am not going back to the Peak tonight...I just cant. You are able to use your shield as a weapon; I have seen you do it countless times before. I will return it to you on the morrow, but Maker help us these woods are dangerous at night. I do not feel like getting lost. You can try to go back to the peak if you like, but if I were you I would just consign yourself to follow..."
Alistair thought about it for a moment, and a stupid sort of grin came over his face. Alone, with her for the evening? He tried not to show her the elation on his face. If she saw it, she clearly ignored it. Her limping grew more pronounced as she walked, and he noticed that the gash had begun to bleed again. She topped for a second to grab at a handful of elfroot, before she continued walking. Edana knew the woods well, for she had made small mental landmarks throughout, however she did not lie when she said that the woods seemed to grow larger at night. As if they meant to swallow you up like some kind of ravenous animal. Not to mention the Sylvan's that lingered around. Anger one of them in the night and you could easily end up dead. She stopped for a second at a large rock, Alistair stumbling on behind her. She thought for a few moments before nimbly trotting off to the east. There was a crevice in the rock, a large but shallow chasm that was uninhabited. She had often scouted here, and they would be safe from the rain and the Sylvans.
He watched as she found the hole in the rock, and slipped through it. He followed, trying to be as nimble as she but failing horribly. He crashed to the ground and groaned in pain. She smiled to herself; he never had been any good at navigating through tunnels and forests. The moonlight shone though the cave, illuminating it lightly enough for her to make useful inventory of the brush inside. Water poured in from the opening, and so she walked towards the dark back of the cave with his sword firmly clutched in her hand. She was bleeding, so any beast that dwelled her surely smelled her and would come looking after long. Gathering up a bit of brush and dried roots, she felt around for some rock. After a while, she found two small but usable pieces of flint. Her cold fingers worked fast to start the small fire, and soon the whole cavern was filled with the dim light. The cavern was indeed empty, and for that she was thankful.
Alistair watched as she quickly started a fire, and hurriedly made his way towards the back of the cave. His lips were still blue from the cold, and he sat next to it trying to warm up through the thick armor. She smirked, if he was anything he was eternally modest. "Alistair… You will not get warm and dry in that…" She said pointing to his armor, as she herself began to pull of the Dalish leather she wore. Underneath she wore a simple tunic and skirt, something linen and thin that helped to protect her skin from the rub of the leather. It was drenched too, but at least it could breathe and dry. Depositing her armor near her, so that the warmth of the fire could help to dry the leather. He gulped as he spied her in the thin wet material, and shook his head. He would not gawk… would not gawk… would not gawk… would not-
"Alistair?" She asked suddenly, making him tear his eyes away from her body. "No, I wasn't!" he exclaimed suspiciously. She shot him a look, and then realized what he had been doing. Blushing furiously, she secretly wished she had thought this trek into the woods through properly. A wolf pelt would have been most welcomed. She leaned with her back to the cold cavern wall, her body drinking in the heat as if it were a fine wine. He slowly removed the plate mail breastplate, and greaves. His brown woolen pants were all he usually wore underneath his battle gear, because of how hot the summer had been. Together in silence they sat apart, listening to the hypnotizing sound of the rain as it fell.
He finally broke the silence after some time. "You left," was all he could muster, his heart pounding furiously in his chest with a mix of anger and fear. Edana shook her head in the dim light; her ebony hair had been pulled loose from the leather thong that secured it. It was beginning to dry, and it shone in the dim light of the fire. "No, you left me." She said calmly to him. "When I woke, I was greeted by Zevran and the news that you had married and gone on a royal holiday with your new bride."
Alistair swallowed, that had been the truth, but in reality he felt he hadn't a choice. "I didn't want to marry Anora. I told you that. I would rather have seen her on the throne that taken it up as my own. You were the one who thrust me forth, you said it was my duty."
Edana turned her head to look at him, and he saw the emblazoning anger rising in her features. "It IS your duty Alistair. You are the son-"
"Bastard son, unwanted love child," he interjected.
"-of the King. Wanted or not Alistair, you were the only one in line to rule. You had to do it; you have no choice in that matter. And then the marriage to a human woman, for Kings must have heirs. I picked one that was apt and able, and who could rule for you since you hate politics. It was a good match. I would have been brandished your elfish whore, and would have had to sit by night after night watching you masquerade as the loving and doting husband to someone else. How could I do that?"
He was staring at his hands as if they had sprouted several new fingers. He hadn't thought of this when the news of her departure had been brought to him. Taking it all in the way she described made him hate his lineage even more.
"Grey Warden's are not meant to love. They are meant to sacrifice their self for the good of humanity. They are meant to die alone, and violently. Love only interferes with the task at hand, and leads to selfish decisions." She said heatedly, looking away from him to the wall ahead of her.
"Do you mean Morrigan?" He asked then surprised. His eyes tried to read her features, but only saw coldness and regret. "I regret everyday that I made you do that. I should have not been a coward; I should have run that stupid bitch through. Instead I gave you away for the first time that night, like some common pimp directing his whore's. I used you to feed into my selfish need to have you live and to live in a world where you existed. Only to find that world exists only in my head."
He scoffed at her. "How can you say that? Do you think me some fat lazy lapdog that does whatever you say whenever you tell me to? Do you not think that it was not part of my decision as well? Well it was! You made perfect sense when you said that another blight could start again in five, ten, or even a thousand years… Maybe-"
"Maybe we brought the end of humanity. Maybe the Blight isn't really over?" She interrupted, feeling the hollow beating of her heart in her ribcage. "I don't know. I do know that I will hunt Morrigan to the end of the earth if I have to."
The silence engulfed them again, and he waited to see if she would continue. When she didn't, he cleared his throat softly. "So does that mean you regret… Do you regret- I mean, I don't mean to be rude but do you wish-"
"Do I wish I never loved you Alistair?" She finished for him. She met his eyes again, and felt her heart skip a beat once more. "I could never regret that."
He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath. She smiled a little then, though it quickly faded away. "My wishes do not matter in this life Alistair. And even though we faced certain death you gave to me the greatest gift I could ever have possessed. The ability to feel loved, safe, and whole is something I will never regret, and something I can never thank you enough for."
He couldn't hold it back anymore; with a few quick movements he closed the gap between them. He sat as close to her as he could, and she did not fight him this time. "I am so sorry my love,…" she whispered to him, though she did not cry the sadness in her voice was enough to move a mountain. He stroked her face gently, and kissed her.
"Never be sorry", he said between kisses. "I may not be a hero, or a King. But what I am you make me." She sighed happily at the feel of his body against hers, and tucked herself securely into his arms. There they leaned against one another, holding on for dear life as two lonely shipwrecked sailors lost at sea. They had found peace once again.