Amanda went to see Nick as much as she could during the next week. The doctors insisted that he stay in the hospital for at least five more days after he left the ICU. According to Dr. Blake it was a speedy recovery considering he sustained other injuries as well.
She was terrified to come back after that first visit. He said so many things. He told her he wanted to be with her not just for a fling. Nick wanted them to be permanent. Amanda tried to make up excuses in the moment. She'd been prepared to give him up when he told her he didn't want to try again with Maria. She freaked out for a few seconds. Nick said so many things. He said he would resign from SVU. Amanda felt the familiar urge to vomit in that moment. Nick couldn't give his job up, and then he stated that even if they didn't work out he would still resign. He couldn't go back to work and not be with her.
Amanda wanted to tell him that they could still be what they were but Nick was clear he wanted more and maybe she wanted more too. The sensible, logical thing to do was to ask him for space. She thought about it when she rode the train home. She decided to tell him that next day when she went to visit him. Amanda was not ready. They were not ready for any of it. She fell for Nick but they were doomed to fail.
The detective went in next day to see him and he smiled at her. She was a sucker for his smiles. She forgot all about her logical reasons and speeches and spent an hour talking to him and taking care of him. She was there when they discharged him. "I'll have to come back for check up next week. He said as he signed a million of forms. He looked happy.
"What about your knee?" She asked.
"I start PT once the cardio surgeon green lights me." Nick grinned even more. "My mom will come and pick me up. I'm staying with her until I can go back to my apartment on my own." Nick continued.
"How many weeks will that be?" She asked suddenly scared that she wouldn't be able to see him every other day.
"Six to eight weeks." He replied; "I understand you're not ready to meet her yet. You can come and visit whenever you feel like it. I'm sure you can come up with an excuse. I'll call you and text you every single day. You'll get tired of me."
Amanda laughed. She kissed him carefully. "They'll fly by." He nuzzled her neck. She wanted to tell them they wouldn't but she was not about to get sappy with him.
He called her everyday and they texted all day. Amanda was busy with cases. Nick begged her to keep his mind occupied. Cesaria drove him insane for seven weeks or so he said. She missed him terribly and managed to visit him after three weeks into his recovery while his mother ran errands. By the time she managed to get to Cesaria's house they only had an hour for their visit. "You can always stay and meet her. She doesn't bite." He kissed her. She kissed him back and kept kissing him.
"Not ready yet." She enjoyed the kissing and asking him questions on how he was doing. She told him about the case. He told her about meeting with his delegate. "I could retire get three quarters of my pension in. I'll start fresh."
"Are you sure Nick? What will you do?" She was worried about him. Amanda didn't want him to do anything that he would regret.
"I'll figure it out as I go." Nick shrugged.
She sighed, "I don't want you to resent me. Nick you would be giving so much up."
"I wouldn't, Amanda I am going nowhere and this knee. I don't know if it would even be possible for me to go back to the squad. They will force me out. I'm due for a change. It's not like I will not listen to you ramble about your cases." He offered with one of his characteristic smiles.
She acquiesced but that feeling of doom stayed with her. Amanda went home and felt woozy. She chalked all that to her conversation with Nick and his news about the delegate.
The seventh week was the easiest and the hardest. Amanda was used to not having him at work and only calling or texting him. They facetimed but she itched to see him face to face. She tried to distract herself by going to the doctor and getting her shot once more. She needed to get it; she had missed her appointment that past week.
Amanda went in and waited for her nurse. She peed in the cup and handed the sample. It was routine, part of her exam. She was surprised when the doctor and the nurse came back. "Hi Amanda."
"Hey Dr. Jung." She smiled. The doctor smiled tightly. "Let's have a seat shall we?"
The detective sat down and grew worried. "Amanda the shot while effective 99% of the time it is not foolproof. This happens to be your case, you're pregnant."
She laughed, "That can't be. I don't have any symptoms." Only she did. She'd been throwing up for weeks. It wasn't stress and her lack of period was not a side effect of the shot but an indication of pregnancy.
"I can't have a baby." Amanda was still in shock. It couldn't be. She was careful; she took the shot without fail.
"Amanda, the likelihood of this happening is 1 in a 100. You are that one woman." Amanda heard the words but she couldn't process them.
"There are options Amanda. I gather this is an unwanted pregnancy. We can perform an ultrasound and estimate how far along you are." The doctor spoke and spoke. The detective couldn't properly think. She couldn't have the baby. She didn't want children. She wasn't maternal. Amanda Rollins did not know how to raise children. She would be a horrible mother just like Beth Anne Rollins had been.
Amanda nodded. The nurse instructed her to lie down. She felt a cold liquid on her lower belly. The room filled with a strange swooshing sound. "That's the heartbeat."
She closed her eyes. Amanda asked what concerned her most, "How far along am I?"
"When was your last period?" The doctor asked and wiped the goo of her belly.
"I can't remember. I'm not regular, remember, side effect from the shot." Amanda did not mean to snap at her doctor.
"I would say two and half maybe three months." The doctor explained. "If you are contemplating options now would be the time to act." The older woman stood up and gathered a few booklets. "These are your options Amanda. I'll be happy to guide you in any way I can. I'll leave you to it."
She was numb. She pulled her pants up and placed the booklets inside her purse. Amanda needed to get out of the doctor's office. She needed to think and breathe.
She rode the subway to Nick's apartment and didn't realize it. She didn't have any keys so she went by a park near his building. He used to take Zara and Gil there from time to time or so he said. She sat on the park bench. Her eyes were watery. She was pregnant; her state explained the puking, her tender breasts and maybe all the crying she did when Nick was in the hospital. Amanda wiped tears. Nick, she couldn't tell Nick. He would think she wanted to trap him.
She couldn't tell him. She cried; she would lose him if she did. Amanda was pregnant; she remembered her mother got pregnant with another baby when her and Kim were girls. Her nice and perfect boyfriend accused her of trapping him. Robert claimed he didn't want children. "I don't even know if it's mine." He had said.
A voice in her head told her that Nick wasn't like that. Nick was responsible; he was catholic. He would never agree with her choices. He would hate her when he learned what she did. She didn't have to tell him, she could have the abortion. Nick would never know. They could go ahead and keep their relationship. She never wanted Nick to resent her. He would grow to resent her. Amanda couldn't be a mother; it was never one of her ambitions. She was extra careful; she had the shot and all her partners always used condoms. That changed when she started sleeping with Nick. That first time was hurried, unplanned and so hot. They started hooking up; he awkwardly asked her what they would do for contraception. She told him she was on the shot and then he attacked her. She trusted him and he trusted her. Nick loved his children, it pained him to not see Zara and he felt so guilty for not being part Gil's life. He didn't want more children. He told her once when they were drunk. "I couldn't, with my track record that relationship wouldn't work and then I would have another kid that I wouldn't be able to be a dad to."
Amanda didn't have anyone. No one to call, no close friend to guide her or help her; Fin was her partner. He cared for her but he wasn't really someone she would like to speak about her unplanned pregnancy. She breathed deeply and thought about the booklets she had on her purse. Amanda needed to go home and read over her options. This park with children all around was not the best place for her to think.
She checked her phone to distract herself, a text from Liv, telling her that she needed to head to Mercy West to interview a vic. Amanda forgot she was on her lunch hour and had to go back to work. She was glad the hospital wasn't that far from Nick's place.
Amanda interviewed the woman and got her statement. She focused on work, her news were in the back of her mind. She felt her phone ring; it was Nick. She couldn't talk to him. She let it ring.
The detective walked out of the squad room and went to her home. She had a text from Nick. "Hey, called you earlier. Call me back." She almost cried when she saw his text.
Amanda couldn't call him yet but he would call her until he spoke with her. Nick was relentless. She decided to have some tea and then make a decision about her state. She needed to make a decision before it was too late. Amanda charged ahead, always.
She drank her tea and placed the booklets. They were glossy and had feminine touches. Amanda zeroed in the abortion clinic number. She pushed the adoption aside. That was not an option. She couldn't leave her job, and Nick would of course notice. What if the kid was not adopted or the adopted family was shitty to him. She couldn't take her chances.
It was either terminate her state or have the baby and confront Nick. She would lose Nick. Amanda drank another cup of tea and decided to go with what was the best option for her. She would have the abortion. Amanda couldn't be a mother. She didn't have the skills to do it. She would screw the kid up for sure.
Nick called her three more times. She picked up, "Hey Cariño, I've been calling you since early afternoon. Are you ok?"
"I'm fine Nick, I was just caught up with work." Amanda lied and listened to him speak about his day. He had to go to the doctor for his last cardiac post op check up later that week. He hoped to stay one more week at his mother's and then he would go home.
She cried a little when he told her that his chest scar was healed and he was looking forward to spending the whole weekend with her. "Amanda, are you there?"
"Yes Nick." She tried for her voice to not break but she sounded shaky to her own ears.
"Have you been crying? Are you sick?" He was concerned about her. She wiped her tears and shook her head.
"I'm fine; allergies I think." She lied through her teeth.
"I miss you very much Cariño. I can't wait to see you." She imagined he was smiling on.
"I miss you a lot too." Amanda told him about work for a bit and then hung up.
She texted Liv the next morning and asked for a personal day. The sergeant called and asked if everything was fine with her. Amanda assured her all was fine and she just needed a couple of days to sort some personal matters.
She called the place and set up and appointment for that same day. Amanda went into the office sure of her decision. She filled out the paperwork and waited for the doctor to go in. She gasped, he looked a lot like Nick. "I'm doctor Carrera. I will be your doctor today. You will need to take it easy for the next few days."
"I can't. I'm sorry." She sat up. He smiled at her. His smile was different; Nick's smile was more beautiful.
"It is perfectly fine for you to have doubts. Why don't I go outside and give you some space." The man left.
Amanda dressed again. Nick deserved to know. She wouldn't be able to look at him in they eye after she had the abortion. Nick had a right to know. She was scared, alone but if she did this. Nick would know he would know something was wrong. Amanda would tell him and then what. Their relationship would be over. They would hurt each other. She was sure Nick would ask for a paternity test and be responsible for his child but then what. He would resent her until their kid was 18 years old. Maybe they could establish custody early on.
She wiped her tears and ran out of the clinic. She breathed deeply and went to work.
"I thought you were using lost hours Manda" Fin said as she entered the squad room. Olivia smiled, "Good, you're back. Take Carisi, go to the Child's Care Center." They worked on a child abuse on a seven-year-old girl.
Amanda went home and slept. She continued with her daily routine and her work. Nick called her everyday and she relished all those talks. "I'm dying to see you."
The detective received a text from him the day he finally went back to his apartment. "Cleared of all injuries. Not the knee, still have to go to PT." She felt sick when she received that text. He was expecting her to be there that night. She would be there; she would tell him about her state that same night. She finished her paperwork and decided to head to his apartment.
"Good night" She was glad it was a Friday, she would have time to cry for those two days.
"Amanda, a word." The sergeant called her in.
"Yes, serge." She said carefully. Olivia Benson did not really like her. She didn't fully trust her yet.
"Noah's adoption will be finalized tomorrow. I hope to see you there." Amanda nodded.
"Of course." She said and then left for Nick's.
She was a mess during the train ride to his home. She knocked on the door to his apartment. She waited for a few minutes, and was about to knock once more when he opened the door.
Nick had his crutches and wore the biggest smile she'd seen him sport. She lost it and cried. She cried, the hardest, she'd cried since Patton raped her. It was over, her thing with Nick was over and it never really began.