Morbid Humour

Chapter Ten: Apple Pie

Naruto was now extremely anxious after hearing that his babies were due in a few days. He was so nervous he did in excessiveness what he'd learned to find comfort in doing during his stay: he cooked. In two days he'd gone through every recipe the cookbooks of Kazekage Tower had to offer… except for one…

… Apple pie!

The only problem was where he was going to find apples in Sunagakure. There wasn't enough water to grow them commercially in the desert and he was convinced that tinned apples wouldn't do. There were no apples in the kitchen at all so Naruto found that his best bet would probably be an apple tree.

Naruto was suddenly distracted by excited chatter. He might have gone to hide if he wasn't wearing his disguise kimono. He turned to the back door. Someone started to knock on it. Naruto opened the door and was immediately greeted by excited little kids with bright smiles and the occasional missing tooth. Naruto looked confused. "Hey, what are all of you kids doing here?"

"The nice mister told us that you had lots of cookies to give to us."

"Sorry, I couldn't help it." Akai flickered out of nowhere. It made Naruto jump. "I mean, seriously, Naruto, your cooking craze has got us buried in cookies for at least a year." Akai and Naruto turned to the kitchen. There were jars upon jars of cookies, cakes and homemade lollies stacked up on the floor and the table.

Naruto bent down to the first child he saw when he turned back to the kids. The little boy was unusually tall for the age he looked to be and although very young his face was quite square. He had bluish-blond, spiky hair and in one hand he held a popsicle that he hadn't even opened. Naruto only had to bent a little bit to get to his level. "Hey, kid," Naruto said, "you know that popsicle's gonna melt if you don't open it up and eat it soon. Do you need help?"

"I don't want a popsicle, I want a cookie," the child replied. He grinned and his teeth were very white. He had some unusual fangs in amongst the teeth too. Naruto thought it was just creepy.

"Here, take your pick," Akai said, holding out two open jars, each with a different variety of chocolate chip cookie. "They're completely free and you can have as many as you want."

The kids cheered and started to grab for the cookies in the jar. The tall boy took one fairly large cookie and stood by the doorway munching it. When four jars had been depleted and the kids had started to go home the tall boy was staying behind. He was starting on his twentieth cookie just as Naruto had measured and sorted the ingredients for the crust of his apple pie. Akai came to the door to advise the child to go home before it got too late but the boy cut him off before he even started.

"Mister, I was really curious," said the boy, "why doesn't that lady have any boobies?"

Naruto dropped an entire bag of flour into his bowl. It overflowed and the cloud made him sneeze. Akai was left speechless for a while. Naruto was at Akai's side in an instant with a scowl on his face. Akai held his arm over the door as a warning to Naruto.

"Well…" Akai hesitated to begin. He was expecting a simpler question like 'is that lady going to have a baby?' It didn't seem right for a child to ask him that question, especially when the child was looking up with a curious face but his eyes were mocking him. "It's not that she doesn't have any breasts. Some women just don't have very big breasts so they're not noticeable. Why do you want to know about her 'boobies' anyway?"

Akai gave the child a slight glare. The boy grinned back. It looked innocent but it gave Akai the chills. It was telling him something: "You bloody liar! That woman hasn't got any fucking tits and you know it! That woman isn't even female." "I was just curious, that's all," the boy replied sweetly. "My mommy and my sister have bigger boobies than her." He pointed his wrapped popsicle at Naruto. Naruto growled at the kid.

"Oi!" shouted a female. They all looked up. A blonde girl wearing denim shorts and an orange midriff top was standing out on the road. She had a ninja pack and a kunai holder and under her shorts ninja mesh could just be seen. The boy finished off his cookie and walked straight over to her. "Are we ready to go home now? I hope you haven't been eating biscuits here all afternoon. You know mum will get cross."

Akai watched her lips. The words coming out matched the lips she was making until the end of her sentences where her lips moved slightly as if making some sort of hum or grunt but no sound came out.

"Is this your sister?" Akai asked. The little boy nodded.

"I hope he didn't cause too much trouble," the girl said. She took an apple out of her equipment pouch and started to shine it on her shirt.

"None at all," Akai lied.

"That's good then, bye." She took the boy by the hand and led him away while taking a bite out of her apple. Naruto's eyes widened at the sight. She had an apple!

"Akai, I'm going to go out for a bit…"

Naruto ran from the kitchen still covered in flour and tailed the siblings. His ninja skills were only a little bit rusty but they seemed to be civilians so it was easy to follow them. He stopped following them when they reach a tall, wooden fence and went in. It was too tall for Naruto to see over so he listened through the wood. His feet were tickled by something leafy. He looked down and saw green grass growing just outside the fence. It needed a trim but it was grass and it was green which meant there was water nearby, probably over the fence.

"There's a lot more water here than last time," said the girl. "There might be a pipe leaking."

"But lots of water is good, isn't it?"

"Only sometimes. If there's too much water the tree will die."

Naruto was filled with a sense of hope. He listened to more of the conversation and the sounds of the siblings squelching feet in the mud as they left and wandered in.

The space behind the fence was a small, square patch with an apple tree growing in the middle. It wasn't very tall but wasn't short enough that the lowest branch was reachable. Naruto trod in the mud in bare feet. He looked around the apple tree, examining the fruit. As usual, the best were always at the top and since he wasn't tall enough to reach it nor in the proper shape to climb he couldn't get to them. Some apples had fallen but they were either broken or old and rotten. Of the reachable apples on the bottom only a choice few looked like they were in good shape but when Naruto picked them he found bugs or holes eaten out of them. Naruto sighed and glared up at the apple tree. He wouldn't let this foe defeat him, not yet. Gathering chakra at his feet to climb the tree wouldn't work. He needed an alternative mode of leverage—maybe a ladder.

"Gotcha…"

Naruto gasped and turned. He was cornered by two silhouettes in Akatsuki coats and one had a huge sword.

"Now… which leg should I chop off first?"

Itachi was starting to develop a nervous twitch. He now realized why Deidara hated Tobi as a partner so much: Tobi could be extremely hyperactive. He watched and felt the twitch in his eye as Tobi scampered up the steep slope of the mountain to the peak they were standing under and looked around thoroughly.

"Hm… Tobi sees no Hachibi nest. Tobi sees no Hachibi either."

"That's because it's hiding from you," Itachi snapped back. His patience was beginning to wear thin. He should have fought more passionately for the privilege to be partnered with Kisame instead.

"Why is Hachibi hiding from Tobi?"

Itachi had already figured out the main problem. Tobi had the IQ of a two-year-old. "Because you've been a bad boy, Tobi!"

Tobi was taken aback by the confession. Behind the mask he might have been crying but Itachi didn't care; he was already walking back down the mountain path. Tobi scrambled down and followed Itachi. He grabbed onto his senior's coat and wailed. "Itachi-senpai! Tobi has been a good boy! Tobi has been a good boy! Tobi swears it!"

"Tobi can shut up," Itachi said.

"Tobi is a good boy, Tobi can prove it! Um… um… I can do my special technique! If you see my special technique then you'll know how good Tobi is."

"Tobi, I meant what I said."

Tobi immediately quietened. Itachi was glad for the quiet but he knew as that it wouldn't be very long-lived. Tobi was bound to open his mouth again by the time they reached the base of the mountain. In meantime, Itachi had to think. In the period of time that had past he was sure that Deidara and Kisame must have caught up to Naruto at least. And wherever his brother was now he couldn't be doing himself any good. He stroked a red cloud on his coat. His arrangements outside of Akatsuki needed dealing with or the leader would soon be onto something. However, before he got back to work on those plans he had to lose Tobi.

"Itachi-senpai, are you okay? You don't look very happy."

"Go away, Tobi."

Tobi whined. "But if you're sick-"

"I'm not sick. But we're getting nowhere. We'll split up for a little while and meet back here at sunset." Hopefully that was enough time to get away from Tobi.

"Are you sure? Don't you think it would be better if we were together in case we ran into Hachibi?"

"Why? Isn't your special technique good enough to fight it?"

"Of course it is! Tobi will see Itachi here at sunset!"

Tobi turned and disappeared into the jungle. Itachi took off in the opposite direction and headed straight for the boarder.

Naruto awoke tied to a chair in a very dark place. It took a while for his eyes to adjust to the light. It was a very old and dirty room that looked like it had been a nursery. There was a broken crib on the far wall next to a baby table. In the corner was a rocking chair with the legs broken off and an old baby blanket. On the adjacent wall was a dresser and cupboard with a bathing basin. Naruto looked down at the old mat beneath him with musty or broken baby toys lying around. For some reason this seemed familiar to him, he felt like he'd been here before.

With a poof Deidara and Kisame appeared before him. Kisame grinned. "You're lucky, brat. I would have liked to cut off one of those legs, it would have made handling you easier, but this will do nicely. And besides, you need those legs to find what we need."

"Why would I help you creeps find what you need?" Naruto spat back.

"You don't have a choice, un," Deidara replied. "We need to find a special scroll and you're the only person who knows were it is, un."

"I don't know anything about a special scroll," Naruto said.

"Says you, un." Deidara kicked his chair over. "Now don't tell me that this place doesn't trigger your memories, yeah. Somewhere in your head you know what we want: Maboroshi Scroll."

"I have no idea where I am! What this supposed to accomplish?"

"We'll leave you here to think about it," Kisame said. Deidara grinned and they disappeared.

Naruto looked up and saw a bed behind him. The mattress was flat, springs were sprung and the sheets were covered in blood. Naruto felt something strange, like he was time travelling. His mind wasn't in the moment any more. It was silent but he heard crying and screaming. It was still but the ground was shaking. The air was musty and stale but it smelt clean. It was dark but it suddenly transformed to bright light. It was warm but he felt so cold. And he could see the face of someone he only recognized in stone on the Hokage monument. He was blue-eyed and blond and he was smiling but he seemed so sad. He held Naruto close and Naruto clung to his clothes and his warmth.

There was a woman lying on the bed. He stroked her hair and face fondly as tears leaked out of his eyes. As the ground shook once more he turned and left her behind. Naruto cried even harder. Now he was hungry. The man didn't feed him, though, he took him to a cave hidden in the cliff and kissed him on the forehead. He laid him in a soft but cold crib and lit candles around him. Then he bit his finger to draw blood and drew a seal on Naruto's stomach. He lifted his baby again and got him to look at something that looked like a shrine. On the mantle was a scroll that trailed onto the cushion in front of it. Naruto stared in wonder at the intricate drawings and symbols on the scroll.

"See that, Naruto? That's my special scroll. It's the only present I can give to you right now. Hopefully, it's as special to you as it was to me." He cuddled the newborn and sobbed. "I love you. You're my hero, Naruto. Tonight you are going save everybody."

The scroll started to unroll by itself onto the cushion and new symbols and drawings appeared. It stopped and let the man read the new story written on the paper. He nodded at the honesty and laid his baby back in the crib. With his still bleeding finger he lifted his shirt and drew an identical symbol on his stomach. "I'm dying tonight, but you'll live on. I'm sorry for that."

He left quickly as another earthquake shook the ground and Naruto began to cry. For the rest of the night he didn't feel anything but loneliness. He gladly reached for the embrace of an old man when he arrived with ANBU to collect him. To all their eyes the scroll didn't seem to be there, it was just a shrine to a family god. They left everything as it was and took Naruto with them, not noticing the genjutsu start to fade away.

Naruto tried to roll over on the chair and pushed it up, but he ended up on his side. He became content with just staring at the dust motes fluttering through the air in the light shaft. His eyes widened as he suddenly realized that he could see them in the light. It must have been coming from somewhere. He looked up and above the bed was an open window. He screamed for help even though for all he knew he was yelling in vain. He gasped suddenly. Something in his groin had broken and spilled. He groaned when his body tightened uncomfortably. "Not now, please, not now!" he mentally prayed and yelled for help.

Tsubaki watered the shoots and trimmings in her new flower patch. She sighed and looked over to the old one just coming into bloom and remembered how Mizuki used to love her flowers. It was her gardening ability she was most proud of, even more than her chuunin ninja rank. Mizuki used to appreciate that too. No matter what that was all she thought about even though her parents and relatives told her to move on; it would be a long time before she would be able to see him again and he'd changed so much… there was even the likely possibility that he didn't even love her anymore.

While she admired the arrangement of her new garden she heard a distant cry. She stood up and looked around for it. It came from somewhere deep in the forest. Tsubaki ran into the forest in search of the desperate calling. As she got closer she realized that it was a human and in the distance she could see a white-walled house.

She stopped at the clearing the house was built in. It wasn't much of a clearing anymore with overgrown grass, trees growing out of the windows and wild flowers sprouting on the edges of the walls. The house itself was a ghost house. The plaster on the walls was cracked and there were holes that creepers were growing through. The glass in the windows was dirty where it wasn't smashed and on one side of the house the roof had caved in.

"Hello?" Tsubaki called. "Is someone here? Do you need help?"

Naruto heard her and was relieved that there was actually a reply. "Of course I need help! I wasn't calling for nothing!"

Tsubaki walked slowly around the house to where she heard the yelling. There was an open window at the bottom of the wall around the back of the house. Naruto saw the feet approach. She bent down and looked in. It was a wrecked nursery but at first she didn't see anybody.

Naruto recognized the face in the window. "Tsubaki, down here!"

She looked down to where a pregnant blonde tied to a chair was lying on the floor. "Who are you? How do you know me?"

"I'm Naruto! Iruka-sensei's friend, remember?"

"Naruto? Is that you?" Tsubaki blinked and did a double take on the person on the floor. "No… it can't be."

"It is me, okay. Who cares that I look like I'm pregnant; I need you to find something important before someone else does. There's a cave behind Yondaime's head on the Hokage monument but I'll bet it's sealed up. No matter about that, just go in there and there should be a something like a shrine and a scroll. You have to take the scroll."

"Okay, but are you sure you're alright down there? Do you want me to get help on the way?"

"No, get the scroll first and then get help. It has to be from the Hokage, though. Don't tell anybody else!"

Naruto shuddered and screamed as a contraction tore at his body.

"Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want help to come sooner?"

"Yes, I'm sure! Now go and if you see a shark guy or a blond guy wearing black coats with red clouds on them, don't stop, just run away."

Tsubaki nodded and left quickly. Naruto tried not to scream as another contraction hit. The weight of one of the babies was pushing down even further into his pelvis. His chair was picked up from behind.

"So, we're ready to talk now, un?" Deidara sniggered.

"I'll go after the woman," Kisame offered. "You come behind me as fast as you can with that thing." He flickered away, leaving Naruto with Deidara.

Sakura jumped through trees with Haru and Hana in the direction of their country. Suddenly the trees disappeared and they were standing in a barren, dusty clearing. "Gosh, what happened to this place?"

"We got in a fight with Deidara, un," Haru replied. "This mess is all my fault, but I had to save Hana, un."

Sakura nodded. "So what are we doing here? Those Akatsuki members would have obviously moved."

"This'll be the place to start, duh," Hana replied. "They left from here so if we start from here we might be able to track them down, duh-uh."

Sakura sighed. "If you wanted to track why didn't you tell the Hokage? We have tracking specialists in Konoha who are the best anywhere."

Hana looked out onto the plain and blinked. Either her eyes were deceiving her or there were two dark figures in the distance. One came from the north and the other from the south walking towards each other so slowly it seemed surreal. "Hey, look there, duh." She pointed out the two to Sakura and Haru. Sakura suddenly felt her heart skip a beat.

"Could it be…?" she thought. "Sasuke…"