Fred was going out of his damn mind. It was the day of Tadashi's date with Booster Gold, and Fred had decided to deal with all the pent up emotions he had about that by throwing himself into work. He'd opened the bar six hours ago and hadn't stopped working since. He even called Ellie to insist that he take her shift that night.
Booster Gold hadn't given Tadashi a specific time to be ready, so his friend had just been hanging around the bar all day and sending occasional glances to the door. The rest of their friends were there as well. They were very invested in making sure that things went smoothly.
Well, sort of.
Honey was there to make sure Tadashi was alright and didn't get stood up or anything, Hiro was making sure Booster Gold didn't do anything he didn't approve of, and Gogo and Wasabi were there to do damage control. Wasabi was supposed to make sure that Hiro behaved, and Gogo was supposed to make sure that Booster Gold did. You know, normal friend stuff.
They were also there to make sure that Fred didn't drown himself in alcohol, although that was more of an assumption on his part.
God, he wished Wade were there. Wade would let him get blackout drunk. He was a terrible influence.
He sighed, shuffling around to wipe down the bar for the umpteenth time that day. He snuck a quick look at Tadashi to see how he was doing and had to hold back another sigh.
The guy was practically radiating excitement, and Booster Gold hadn't even shown up yet. He was just too damn cute for his own good.
That morning Fred had listened to his friend fret about everything from his hair to his clothes to his mannerisms. And Fred had assured him that he was going to do great through all of it. He even helped pick out what Tadashi should wear.
Booster Gold had said to dress casual, so Fred had suggested Tadashi go with one of his trademark cardigans. He told him to wear the brown one because it matched his eyes. Fred of course, hadn't been able to meet the aforementioned eyes when he said that because that would have been too much. If he'd looked Tadashi in the eye at that moment he was sure the other would have figured out how bad he had it for him.
That would have been incredibly embarrassing.
He was snapped out of his ruminations when a blur of red and black came tumbling through the door.
"Weasel! Sweet cakes, you have got to tell me something- and this is very important- so answer me truthfully. Does this suit make me look fat?" Wade asked, twisting around to look coyly at him.
Fred heaved another sigh and pressed his forehead into his palm. "For the millionth time, no, your suit does not make you look fat. It's literally impossible for anything that skintight to make you look fat. You don't even have an ounce of fat on your body, dude. You're like ripped. You were before you got fucked over by cancer and Francis, and you were after you turned into the world's most overcooked human marshmallow."
Wade pulled up the bottom of his mask to make his pout visible and crossed his arms over his chest. "No fat on my body? You saying I don't have an ass? Because that's discriminatory. I should sue you for that. I happen to have a great ass. Not as great as, say, a certain spandex wearing web slinger, but a great ass nonetheless."
"Ugh, Wade, can we please not have this conversation again? I kind of want to, you know, not talk about your ass for once."
"Should we talk about other people's asses then? Because I've got to say, your San Fransokyo friends make a great lineup-"
"For fuck's sake no, we are not talking about anyone's asses, and please never talk about my friends' asses ever again," he cut Wade off. Would it kill the guy to just have a normal conversation for once? Obviously not with the whole immortal thing, but Fred could dream.
He was about to insist on Wade shutting up forever, but he got distracted by a pair of attractive, but entirely out of place strangers showing up.
One of them had annoyingly familiar gold hair and an annoyingly white smile to match. He wasn't wearing his costume of course, but it was still undeniably Booster Gold. And of course, the man just had to look like a supermodel in his civilian clothes. Fred wanted to drown himself in a lake of whiskey.
Hiro was bristling visibly at the arm that the superhero had thrown around his brother's waist, and Wasabi was holding him back with an arm slung across his chest.
"Tadashi! I'm glad you're still in one piece. When I saw where you were I thought you might be in trouble. What's a cute guy like you doing in a dump like this?" Booster Gold asked, tossing an unimpressed look at some of Fred's customers.
Fred would have launched himself over the bar to punch him, but he remembered at the last second that he was supposed to be supportive and held back instead. Still, what a dick.
He cleared his throat loudly to catch the group's attention and did his best not to glare at Booster Gold. "This dump actually belongs to me, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't badmouth it so loudly. Thanks," he said a bit curtly.
Tadashi threw him an apologetic look before turning to address his date. "It's really not a dump. Fred works hard to keep it in good shape, and everyone here is really nice."
Booster Gold raised his eyebrows in disbelief at that last part, and Fred couldn't blame him. Sure, his clients were on their best behavior when it came to Tadashi, but calling them nice was a stretch. They were hardened criminals after all. Although most of them weren't exactly big fry or anything- with the exception of Wade. But he was a special case.
As if the universe was trying to make his life more difficult, Booster Gold's eyes shot over to rest on his masked friend. Fred saw his eyes narrow at Wade behind his sunglasses and prayed silently that he wouldn't recognize him.
No such luck.
"Is that Deadpool?" he growled, pushing Tadashi behind him as if to protect him. Fred almost approved of the act, if only because he also thought Tadashi's safety was of paramount importance. On the other hand, this idiot seriously needed to chill.
Wade didn't help things- as was the natural order of the world- and didn't even try to pretend like he wasn't a well known mercenary. "I sure am! Do you want an autograph? I'm always happy to meet a fan- especially when they look like they just popped out of one of those antidepressant commercials. You know, those ones with the really long list of side effects that make you question if they'd ever be worth it, like diarrhea, and heart failure, and death-"
Fred didn't bother opening his mouth. He opted for smacking his friend upside the head instead.
Thankfully it worked, and Wade stopped his ridiculous rambling. Booster Gold was looking increasingly incensed though, and Fred began to wonder if he should have made Tadashi wait for his date at a different location.
Just when it looked like Booster Gold was going to start a fight, however, the man he walked in with stopped him.
Fred wasn't as sure about this guy's identity, but judging by the fact that he was hanging around Booster Gold he had a feeling he was Blue Beetle. The guy was even wearing a blue shirt. There was like a 90% chance it was him.
The two shared a quiet but heated exchange that ended with Booster Gold turning back to Tadashi in a huff. He smiled winningly at his date as if he hadn't just been arguing with his friend. "Shall we?" he asked, gesturing at the door.
Tadashi just smiled genially, ignoring the weirdness of the whole situation and followed his lead.
Thank God for Blue Beetle keeping their date from being ruined. Or so he thought.
"Hey, whoa! Is commercial dude going on a date with the hottie you've been hiding from me all these years?" Wade exclaimed, jumping up and sprinting to the doors to examine the couple more closely. "Because as your bestest BFF in the whole wide universe, I cannot let that stand!"
You know that feeling you get when you realize that something extremely bad is about to happen and if you don't do something soon to stop it you'll be screwed forever? That's how Fred felt when Wade started talking.
"Wade," he tried to cut him off, the sinking feeling in his gut growing exponentially.
Naturally, Wade didn't hear him.
"AS A MAN OF DUBIOUS HONOR, I CAN'T LET YOU GO ON A DATE WITH THIS WEIRDLY BEAUTIFUL MAN- EVEN IF THE TWO OF YOU WOULD MAKE EXTREMELY HOT SUPER BABIES-"
OhgodohgodohgodohgodohgodOHGOD! Fred thought to himself.
He had to do something. He had to keep Wade from saying anything else that would give away his huge crush on Tadashi. Oh God, what was he going to do?!
He was not proud of what happened next.
"-AS SELF PROCLAIMED BESTIE OF THE CENTURY I MUST LET LOVE BLOSSOM AND FLOURISH BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FUTURE GROOM, WHO'S DEFINITELY NOT THIS GUY, BUT WHO IS RIGHT OVER-" he began to swivel around, arm raising to point in Fred's direction, bellowing at the top of his lungs.
Fred snatched the shotgun from underneath the counter and shot Wade in the head.
There was a sickening thud as Wade's body crashed to the floor, and all the non-regulars were freaking out. Tadashi- poor soul- was staring wide eyed at the rapidly growing pool of blood not a foot away while Booster Gold snatched him back as if they were going to be burned. Even Blue Beetle was looking shocked at the turn of events, eyes snapping over to Fred in betrayal.
"What the hell?!" Booster Gold shouted, whipping around to glare at Fred. He was poised to attack, Blue Beetle mimicking his posture.
Fred shoved the gun back into its usual spot and held up his hands in surrender. "Whoa! Okay, don't attack or anything, I swear it's not what you think! It's just, uh, a thing we do!" he scrambled to explain. He actually wasn't lying either.
Unfortunately, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle didn't believe him.
"Just a thing you do?! Killing people in cold blood is a crime! I'm taking you in to the police station- friend of Tadashi's or not, you're going to jail," Booster Gold snarled.
Luckily for Fred, his friends intervened.
"Don't get your panties in such a twist, Shiny Man. Deadpool's not even dead. That's like, his special talent," Gogo snapped, shoving herself between Fred and his aggressors. Blue Beetle began to look a little unsure, but Booster Gold still wasn't convinced.
Which was, you know, fair considering that he just saw Wade take a bullet between the eyes.
Extra luckily for Fred, Wade chose that moment to groan loudly and pull himself to his feet. Blue Beetle and Booster Gold both whipped around to stare at him in shock.
"Ugh, gross! You're lucky Al told me to get a red suit or all this blood would never get out!" Wade whined. "I don't know what I was thinking when we made that agreement."
"Agreement?" Blue Beetle asked incredulously.
Fred slapped his hands on the counter to steal their attention from Wade. "Uh, yeah! The agreement we have...where I shoot Wade once a month! Just like, randomly. To keep him on his toes. He doesn't want to get to rusty even when he's relaxing," he blurted out, laughing nervously.
That wasn't the actual agreement. The real agreement was that Fred could shoot Wade in the head if Wade was doing something that Fred felt was an emergency. For example, if Fred was in serious danger but wasn't allowed to tell Wade about it then Fred could shoot him and Wade would know that something was seriously wrong. In this case, he really didn't want Wade to tell Tadashi about his crush.
The shot would be a signal to get Wade to stop. Fred only hoped that Wade understood why it was that he'd shot him.
He tried to send Wade the message with his eyes, but it was hard to tell if the masked man understood or not. If only he didn't have the damn mask on.
Booster Gold looked like he was going to blow a gasket, but at least Blue Beetle was starting to calm down. And most importantly, Tadashi was no longer as white as a sheet. He looked a lot more at peace with what had happened now that he knew Wade was ok.
He cleared his throat again, trying to dislodge the knot that had formed there- he swore his stomach had almost crawled out of his mouth- and waved towards the door. "Anyways...you guys should go on your date now. Everything's cool here, so uh...yep. Have fun," he said, doing his best to sound sincere. Never mind the fact that he still kind of wanted to knock Booster Gold's perfectly white teeth out.
Tadashi's grateful look made it worth it though, so he plastered a fake smile on his face for encouragement.
He waved them off again, and watched silently as his friend went gallivanting off into the night on his date. At the same time, he wondered if it would be more unprofessional to call Ellie back in for the night after giving her the evening off or to stay for the rest of the shift and get hammered.
"Fred, don't even think about opening that bottle of whiskey," Hiro ordered, snatching it out of his reach. Fred absolutely did not whine at that. He was an adult, and adults did not whine when their stuff got taken from them.
His friends all looked mildly exasperated at him, but they were a lot less high strung since Booster Gold left. Well, except maybe Hiro, who looked angrier than ever. Seriously, they might need to find one of those kiddy leashes to keep Hiro from stalking his brother on his date.
Wade was annoying one of Fred's regulars, and the rest of the bar went back to their meanderings.
The only one that looked as upset as Fred at this point was Blue Beetle. Fred wasn't even sure why they guy was still there. He just figured he came to drop of his douche friend and would skedaddle afterwards.
Instead the man had seated himself at the bar, slouching over on his stool like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.
Fred imagined he looked a lot like Fred in that moment. Which was kind of weird.
After all, what did Blue Beetle have to be upset about? It's not like the love of his life had just gone traipsing off with- oh. Oh. Maybe he and Blue Beetle had more in common than he originally thought.
"So...anything I can get for you?" Fred asked, sidling up to the other. "Also, is there something you want me to call you by when you're not all decked out like a colorful insect?"
Blue Beetle sighed and sunk further into his seat. "Call me Jaime. And just give me whatever's strong enough to make me forget about that idiot who just left."
"Alrighty then," he replied, looking for another bottle of whiskey that Hiro hadn't confiscated.
"Weasel, why don't you just give this slender piece of hot Hispanic ass a blowjob?" Wade asked, sliding onto the stool next to Jaime.
Jaime looked suitably horrified at Wade's words, and Fred resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands.
He jabbed a finger in Wade's direction and sternly said, "Wade, quit trying to make blow jobs happen. Nobody likes them because they taste like shit. You only order them to start fights." He took a moment to turn and explain to Jaime. "A blowjob is a drink that this asshole made me put them on the menu. He's not actually telling me to give you head."
"Au contraire, I think you could both benefit from letting off a little steam."
"Wade, I swear to God, if you don't cut it out I'm going to sew your mouth shut," he threatened half heartedly.
This made Wade spew out a long, arduous speech about what would happen if he tried it, and Fred resigned himself to a long night.
"-and besides, I don't see why you're getting your panties in a twist. I mean you two both just got shoved to the sidelines by the men you're in love with. Since they're going on a date with each other you might as well give it a go," he heard Wade say in his peripherals.
He shot a panicked look at Jaime, who mirrored his expression.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not- I'm not in love with Mike!" Jaime sputtered. He was as red as a tomato though, and sounded as convincing as a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Fred briefly wondered if that was what he looked like.
It was interesting to find out that Booster Gold's name was Mike though. It didn't sound very futuristic, but some things didn't change he supposed.
He slapped a conciliatory hand on Jaime's shoulder from across the counter. "No use pretending anymore, pal. You and I are in the same boat here. And if I have to suffer through everyone knowing about my pathetic love life, then so do you."
Jaime dropped his forehead to the counter and groaned.