I'm not sure how long we've been in this room, or how long I've stood here staring at this empty crib until Elena's words finally pull me out of my own world
"Sarah, that's a pretty name"
"I didn't like it at first, I guess it eventually grew on me though" I run my fingers over the wooden letters hanging above the white crib
"What name did you originally want?" she asks
"I liked Elizabeth" I smile wistfully
"That's pretty too"
"You know the night of the accident I came back here" I add
"You did?"
I nod "I tried to act tough; like I could get through anything" I scoff "I couldn't even put the damn key in the door"
"I think that's to be expected" she shrugs "I know what it's like to want to be hard on yourself all the time because you feel like it's what you deserve but at some point it has to stop and you have to realize that it's not your fault"
"This is different…"
"It's not" she shakes her head "Damon, you're not the only one who wasn't up front about their past"
I nod "Caroline said something kind of like that too"
"What'd she tell you?"
"Not much" I shrug "It's your story to tell"
"Damon, my parents died in a car accident when I was sixteen" she admits, "it was supposed to be family night, but I begged them to let me spend the night at Caroline's house. Of course I wasn't really at Caroline's, I went to party at the lake instead, I had too much to drink and was in no shape to drive, so I called my parents and asked them to come get me"
Understanding begins to dawn over me
"On the way home in the middle of one of my dad's famous lectures, a deer ran in front of our car, we swerved and drove off the bridge into the lake"
"Elena…"
"I've played that night over and over in my head Damon and there's no other way to spin it, they wouldn't have been on that bridge if it wasn't for me, so I know what it's like to feel the guilt of being the only survivor"
On some level I always knew that there was a reason I felt like Elena was the only one who understood me, but I never expected this
"I'm not trying to compare my story to yours; I just want you to know that it gets better. For the longest time I was dead set on denying myself any form of happiness, because I truly felt like I didn't deserve it, not after what I had done, but eventually something inside of me healed, and I realized that that's not what my parents would have wanted, they never would have wanted me to be miserable. No matter what" She smiles at me sadly, and places her hand on my shoulder "and I know I didn't know Andie but I'd be willing to bet she'd feel the same way"
"You're probably right" I nod
"Of course I am" she smirks
"You've been spending too much time with me Gilbert" I tease "Elena, I am so sorry that that happened to you" I add in a more serious tone
"It was awhile ago" she shrugs "Don't get me wrong, there's not a day that goes by where I don't miss them, but it eventually feels less crappy"
I nod, understanding exactly what she means; when my mom died I was devastated, I couldn't think about her without falling apart, now eighteen years later I still miss her like crazy but I can look back on our time together and smile, only the fond memories resurfacing, I yearn for the day that I can look back at my time with Andie and not feel a stabbing pain in my chest.
"That's not the only thing I'm sorry for" I continue
"I know" she nods
"I never should have kept all this from you, you didn't know what you were getting yourself into, and that wasn't fair"
"No, it wasn't" she says matter-of-factly before adding "but I've been in your shoes before so I won't hold it against you"
"Really?" I ask
"Yeah, but it won't ever happen again" she adds
"OK" I nod "Thank you Elena"
"Anytime, that's what friends are for" she smiles
"I think it's time to get out of here" I glance around the pink room
She nods, and follows me back into the living room
"You hungry?" I ask
"Yeah"
"I can cook us up some pasta if you want" I offer
"You cook?"
"Yeah, pretty damn well if I say so myself" I smirk
"Bring it Salvatore; show me what you've got"
"Mmm" she moans as she takes another bite "This is seriously delicious"
I can't help but chuckle at her reaction "I think this is the real reason Stefan let me stay with him so long" I point to the pasta on my plate
She laughs "Where did you learn to cook like this?"
"My mom"
"Really? Can I take a page from Stefan's book and have her come live with me so I can eat like this every day" she laughs
"She would have taken you up on that offer in a heartbeat; there was nothing she loved more than cooking for people" I smile
"Was?" she asks
"Unfortunately she passed away quite awhile ago" I answer
"Oh Damon, I'm sorry"
I shake my head "That's a story for another time"
"Ok" she doesn't argue, Elena has always done this, accept an answer for what it is, and now I finally understand why
"Besides, my last name is Salvatore, which by definition means I should be a great Italian chef" I smirk
"Oh no, his ego rears its ugly head" she jokes
"Seriously, everyone knows Italians make the best food"
"Unless you don't like Italian food" she challenges
"Who doesn't like Italian food? A crazy person, that's who…"
"You got me there" She laughs "you know, by definition your last name actually means Savior" she adds
"Really?" I ask "How do you know that?"
She nods "I used to have a thing about surnames and their origins when I was younger"
"And you said I was the nerd for liking Star Wars" I laugh
"Fine" she giggles "maybe I have a little bit of nerd in me too"
"We're quite the pair Gilbert" I laugh, her smile falters for a second at my words before returning to normal, I have to remind myself that just because she forgave me doesn't make what happened hurt any less, she liked me, and decided to let me in, and I still hurt her. "Speaking of which, what does Gilbert stand for?" I change the subject
"oh , uh, lots of things" she seems to be thinking about them "lets see there's, pledge, hostage, noble, famous, and bright, so I guess I have my pick of meanings but my favorite has always been bright, I think it's the perfect definition of my mother" she smiles
I want to tell her that it's the perfect definition of her as well, that all she has to do is smile and it would brighten anyone's day but I know that would definitely be crossing the line and I won't put her through that again.
So instead I stick with good old sarcasm "for you I would go with hostage, because of that terrible movie you made me sit through" I tease
"Such an ass" she laughs and shakes her head
"Yeah well at least I feed you" I laugh "Would you like some more?" I point the empty plate in front of her
"No thank you" she shakes her head
I gather our empty plates and place them into the kitchen sink
"Thank you" I turn to her
"For what?" she asks
"For being here" I shrug "Stefan offered, but I told him no because I thought this was something I wanted to do on my own, it wasn't until I actually walked through the front door that I realized how wrong I had been. So, thank you" I smile
"Anytime" she smiles back "I better get going though, I have work in about an hour"
"Ok" I nod
She grabs her purse and coat from the table in the foyer before turning back to me "don't be a stranger Damon"
"I won't"
"I mean it" she points at me "my week is less boring when you drop in for your weekly coffee"
"I will" I chuckle
"Ok" she nods "see you next week" she turns and walks out the door
As soon as I hear it click behind her I glance around the kitchen, it seems much bigger without her in it.
I rinse off our dishes from dinner and place them into the dishwasher one by one before turning to the coffee mugs on the counter, I place the first one in the sink, I start to do the same with the second but I stop when I notice the red lip mark on the edge of the cup, Andie's lipstick.
I loved when she would wear red lipstick; I remember telling her that it made me want to bite her bottom lip like a juicy strawberry.
Our last morning in this kitchen was a busy one. She was in a hurry to get to the office so she could come home early and get ready.
I sat in a stool at the kitchen bar top sipping my coffee watching her run around like a crazy person, she came up to me and said "Bye honey, have a good day" she placed a quick peck on my lips before pulling away. I grabbed her wrist and pulled me back to me. When she tried to protest I silenced her by pressing my lips to hers, I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth and nibbled on it "What did I tell you about that lipstick" I said when I finally pulled away
"Maybe that's why I always wear it?" she smirked
"No protesting here" I held my hands up in surrender
She picked up her coffee cup, took a sip and placed it back on the counter "I really do need to go though, I'll see you tonight" she said before blowing me a kiss and running out the front door.
I remember it all like it was yesterday.
The way her red dress hugged her in all the right place, showcasing her adorable baby bump
How she had straightened her hair that day instead of curling it
The way she tasted like mint toothpaste when I kissed her
Suddenly a wave of anger washes over me; I grab the mug, throw it against the wall and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces,
And it feels good. It feels good to break something, so I reach over and grab a plate off the counter and throw it against the same wall, again and again until there are little pieces of glass everywhere.
It feels good. I feel relieved.
For the first time in months I don't feel like I could punch a hole through the wall at any given second.
My cell phone starts vibrating in my pocket, I pull it out and see Stefan's name flashing on the screen
"Hello?" I answer
"On a scale of one to ten how pissed are you at Caroline and I? Because I know you said you wanted to do this on your own but I just thought that you guys needed to talk"
"Relax" I laugh "I'm not pissed"
"You're not?"
"No, the opposite actually, and you were right we really did need to talk, and I think we both know that it would have been awhile before I went to her, thankfully she's a better person then I am" I laugh
"Well, you're welcome then" he teases "So how are things over there, do you need any help unpacking?"
"Not really, most of my stuff stayed here so I'm set"
"Well let me know if you think of anything" he offers
"Actually, I could use some help picking some new dishware" I glance around the room at the mess I made "Mine is uh, broken" I laugh
"What happened?" he asks
"I broke them"
"You what?" he blurts out
"It's a long story; I'll tell you about when I see you" I smile
"Ok" he says "just let me know when"
"I will"
We say our goodbye and hang up the phone, I'm about to put my phone back in my pocket, but I stop and look around the room again.
I've made a mess, both literally and metaphorically. I can fix the literally with a broom and a dust pan, no problem. It's the metaphorically that I need some help with.
So instead of putting my phone away, I scroll through my contacts until I get to Dr. Jackson's name and press dial, a receptionist picks up after two short rings
"Hi, this is Damon Salvatore and I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Jackson"
A/N: Hi guys! Sorry for the long delay. I had a really hard time with this chapter, it just did not want to be written, I've been over and over it and I'm still not sure I'm 100% happy with it, but I think I've made you guys wait long enough. I hope you enjoyed it, please review and let me know what you think. Thanks!