So I'm afraid I might upset some of you guys, so I'm going to try to make everything fit into one chapter….unless it proves to much which I'll split it. I'm aiming for this to be my longest chapter, and after this updates may take a little longer because I want to try to slow down and make my chapters top shape for you all, and longer for you all too. So just beware of that.
Oh and this song is inspired by This Love by The Veronicas
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BPOV
Edward had finally told me everything I wanted, yet here I was standing in the shower, feeling as if my dog had just been hit by a car. What was wrong with me?
"This is everything you want Bella, snap out of it," I whispered to myself, not even realizing my body was being saturated in ice cold water.
All I could think of was Edward as we had made love. It had felt so right, so good, but than he had said he would change me. I thought my heart was going to explode right out of my chest, but as soon as I turned over on my side to sleep all I felt was knots in my stomach. Wasn't this what I wanted?
"Bella?" Edwards voice brought me back to reality, and I quickly shut off the water, wrapping a towel around me before opening the door. "You alright in there, you've been in there for an hour and a half." he asked, slightly cocking his head and giving me that crooked smile I saw loved. But today when I saw it, it twisted the knot in my stomach tighter, and I brushed past him to my room.
"Sorry," I said, trying to sound like I had just simply lost track of time. "I'm gonna get dressed okay?" Being the gentleman he was, Edward said nothing but told me he would come by later, he desperately needed to go hunting. I plopped on the bed , knowing he was gone now, cradling my head in my hands. Why couldn't I shake this stupid feeling already? I sighed as I quickly dressed, and hurried downstairs to feed my grumbling stomach. After last night had been such a perfect night, I wished I could be in a better mood.
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It had been almost a week since Edward and I had been intimate. Neither one of us had tried again, and Edward didn't bring up what he had told me again, probably waiting for me to be ready. The feeling from that next day hadn't disappeared, and I'd been trying to hide it all week, weakly convincing Edward I must be coming down with a cold or something.
It was Friday, and I was dreading the weekend when Edward would be able to scrutinize me from every angle all day. He would surely know that something was wrong with me. I stared lazily at the clock in my English room when he walked in.
He had jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. They weren't as stunning as I was sure my Edwards green eyes had been, but in a competition they would've came in a close second I was positive. He wasn't exactly pale, but had a healthy hue to his skin tone. I realized I was ogling him, as he approached the empty seat next to me and chastised myself for even looking at him, I had Edward.
"I'm Ian," he grinned, hand extended willing me to take it.
"Bella," I mumbled before blushing bright red and turning my attention towards the teacher.
"I moved here from Florida," he whispered, pretending to be paying attention as well, "my mom grew up here, and when dad died she wanted to desperately to come back. I'm not sure about all this rain though."
I rolled my eyes, and never acknowledged that he had even spoken to me. He might be attractive, but his personality was already grating on my nerves. I took that as a positive, trying to remain focused on remembering every line in Edwards face as a means to keep out this stranger.
The bell rang, and I shot up out of my seat before Ian could even try to say goodbye to me. I felt horrible. I was being silly, he was just a new boy looking to make a friend, and here I was trying to turn it into something bigger. My face broke into a smile when I saw Edward, and he seemed to look relieved. It was my first genuine smile that week.
Somehow I managed to avoid the new guy, and thinking about him until my last period. I was sitting in my Trig class trying to figure out what my teacher was saying. She had to be speaking in gibberish. I couldn't understand a word she was saying. Ten minutes after class had started to my horror Ian walked through the door.
"Sorry I'm late, got lost," he grinned before plopping next to me.
Internally I groaned. I had been so glad to be seated by myself in almost all of my classes but biology so I didn't have to socialize with anyone. It had been a blessing than I had been able to, successfully avoiding everyone but the people I wanted to see. Now it seemed like a curse as it seemed Ian took it as an invitation.
"You know you're very pretty," he stated bluntly, something that normally would've warranted a blush from me. Instead I turned towards him, and he grinned widely proud that he had finally gained my attention.
"I have a boyfriend, and I'm not interested," I stated gruffly before turning my attention back to the gibberish going on at the front of the room, trying to decipher whatever I could.
Of course that didn't stop him though, "Who said I wanted to be your boyfriend?" he responded, and I turned to him again as he winked playfully at me and looked ahead. Was he implying what I thought he was implying? I felt disgusted he had even suggested it and snapped my head towards the front again.
What an arrogant sick pig. How dare he think I would be that kind of girl. The kind that would let him touch my hair: Edwards hair. That I would let him put his hands on me, or kiss me. I felt a shiver go down my spine at that thought. Chastising my body for it's lame reaction I tried to think of Edward. His hands on me like last night. Expressing his love for me. I closed my eyes remembering. Watching Edwards hands trace the curves of my body, and I felt his lips press against mine, but when I pulled back it was Ian's piercing blue eyes I saw, not the eyes of Edward Cullen. I covered my face with my hands and knotted my hair in my fingers. What was wrong with me today? After what felt like an eternity the bell finally rang, and I sprang from my seat, rushing to Edwards car, eager to get home.
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That night I seduced Edward.
We were laying as usual my hands slowly began roaming his body. His skin feeling so good against my fingers. I began kissing my way up his chest, crushing my lips to his as I met his face. He responded weakly, wondering I'm sure what the change was that had come over me. Edward never asked though, he simply accepted it.
I wasn't gentle like Edward. I had nearly ripped his and my clothes off, and he had chuckled, amused with my eagerness. I wasted no time on foreplay as I straddled him. His eyes shone with confusion, but he was letting me do my thing as I quickly impaled myself on him.
This sensation of being filled with him was entirely new, and I moaned loudly as his hands slowly grasped my hips. I began moving now, finding a rhythm that would suit me. His grip tightened and I knew he was trying to slow me down, trying to silently tell me to savor the moment, but I couldn't.
My head rolled back as I refused to look into Edwards curious eyes, as I continued my assault of him. Quickly I had reached my peak, and soon after he followed. I rolled quickly off him, shoving my face into the crook of his neck, still not wanting to look at him.
"Well that was different," he whispered emotionless.
Guilt engulfed me. I was such a horrible person. Edward wanted to love me, to make love to me. And here I was trying to fuck away the memory of some guy I'd talked to for five minutes. I was trying to engrave Edward into my body, and my mind, but even as I snuggled into Edwards chest all I could see were piercing blue eyes as I fell into a fitful sleep.
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I had dreamed about Ian that night. Even if I had spoken in my sleep though, Edward mentioned nothing of it. His demeanor didn't change either. He was just as loving and perfect as always which only made me feel worse. Thankfully Edward had left to hunt again with Emmett and Jasper, so the rest of the weekend I was left to myself.
I spent most of it crying, praying that come Monday I would be fine and Edward would be the center of my universe again.
But now it was Monday, and I sat anxiously waiting for Ian to arrive. I knew what I had to do, I felt bile threatening to rise in my throat but I quickly swallowed it down trying to gain my courage. I wrung my hands as I stared at the door, willing him to walk through at any moment.
Finally he did, glancing at me and smiling. Our English teacher began droning on and I quickly ripped a sheet of paper from my notebook and scribbled on it quickly before pushing it towards his arm.
How do we do this.
I swallowed anxiously waiting for him to respond. He stared at the paper for a moment before smirking at it.
Meet me after school
I stared at that short sentence. Anxiety filled me than, what was I going to tell Edward? Would he be able to read the new boys thoughts? I panicked than, had he already read the new boys mind? What the hell was I doing? I mentally beat myself up the rest of the day. Before the final bell I quickly grabbed the cell phone Edward insist I carry now, out of my jacket pocket.
Have to work on an English project with a kid from class, call you when I'm done.
Now I knew something must be wrong with me. I was going to go through with this than call Edward when I was done? Ugh this was all so entirely screwed up, but as I looked up I saw Ian smiling at me, and I felt heat pulse through my entire body.
The bell rang too soon today and we both bolted from the classroom. Ian's must've been in anticipation but I was hoping to outrun Edward. As if that were even possible, but I was trying still and I was vaguely aware of that as we hopped into Ian's car, speeding off just as I saw Edward saunter out to his car. He looked unsuspecting and I felt the bile in my throat again.
"I'm n-n-not sure ab-b-out this," I stuttered. Ian only smiled at me.
"It's okay, I won't make you uncomfortable," he tried to soothe me, but his words only added to my stress.
What the hell was I doing here? But I couldn't stop this, and Ian parked in a place even I was unaware of, and I vaguely realized if I wanted to get away I would have no clue as to where to go. But just as the thought entered my mind Ian's fingers slowly traced down my neck, and I felt the heat in my body again.
"I won't hurt you," he whispered, as his lips crashed into mine unexpectedly. I knew I should be feeling guilty. This was my bodys cue to stop and run for Edward, but instead I groaned into his mouth as my body craved more. I grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him closer, refusing to touch his hair, not wanting to trigger any thoughts of Edward.
He nodded with his head that we go outside, and I followed shyly, as he gently picked me up and placed me on the hood of his car. He took me right there. Our clothes were off in record time, and soon he was pumping in and out of me, as I panted recklessly on the hood. His hands roamed my body, and I tried to mentally silence the alarms that were going off in my head screaming at me this wasn't right. This wasn't Edward. I felt close to my release than and I moaned, "Edward," softly escaped my lips, an image of his eyes, his face, the feel of his hair in my hands and my eyes shot open.
What the fuck was I doing?
Mid-stroke, I pushed against Ian with all of my strength before jumping up grabbing my clothes.
"Jesus Bella, what the fuck? You couldn't wait for me too?" he said, sounding annoyed that he hadn't gotten off.
"Fuck off, don't ever talk to me or touch me again." I said before attempting to saunter off, but I heard him snicker at me, "I swear to God, I'll have my boyfriend kill you," I whispered, which only insighted more laughter from him.
"You came to me. Remember that. I didn't make you do anything," he snickered as he climbed back into his car before speeding away.
And he was right. I had set this up. I had met him. I had followed through. I was a screw up.
I began heading in the direction I saw Ian speed off, but just as I had predicted earlier I had no idea where I was, and every step made me feel as if I was actually traveling further away from home. The darkness began to envelope me and I felt the vibration in my pocket. Edward was calling.
But I couldn't answer now. I wanted to be in the darkness. I wanted it to swallow me whole. I had been given this precious second chance and now I had screwed it up. I quickly moved to the nearest tree as vomit finally consumed me. I puked until all that came up was dry heaves, and even than my body continued that for a few minutes after, trying to purge myself of all the filth of myself.
My fingers moved to run through my hair, and I felt it matted. Sex hair, and I gripped it tightly pulling, wanting to rip every piece from my scalp. I felt like I wanted to scrub my skin off. Even my clothes I wanted to burn.
Tears consumed me as I sat next to my own vomit. I couldn't breathe. No, not that I couldn't, I didn't want to. How could I do this to Edward?
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I don't know how long I sat there before Edward showed up. I wasn't the least bit surprised he had come looking for me. One look at me and I could tell he was angry, although I wasn't completely sure, I refused to allow myself to look into his eyes.
"Bella what happened? Who did this to you?" he said through clenched teeth, and I realized I must have the appearance of being raped. I covered my face with my hands once more.
"Okay, it's okay," he whispered, gently picking me up off the ground, "lets just get you home."
It took no time to get to my house. Leading me to the bathroom Edward gently stripped my clothes off of me, examining every part of me, I was vaguely aware. I turned towards the tub turning the knob all the way to hot. As soon as the steam began rising, Edward reached towards it, to turn it towards a cooler setting, but I grabbed his wrist. Sitting in the bathtub as it filled with scalding water around me. I rested my head on my knees with my face towards the wall.
"Oh Bella," he whispered, as he reached for my matted hair, but I shook his hand off, "It's not your fault," he murmured. Sobs began wracking me now, as he tried to console me.
"Edward stop!" I nearly screamed, holding onto my legs now for support. He froze, worry etched into his face.
"It is my fault," I sobbed, and he tried to quiet me but I pushed him away again, "I wanted it." I barely breathed.
Edward sat stone still than. My heart broke even more with every second that ticked away without him moving, or breathing.
"I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry," I whispered. We sat like that for what felt like eternity.
"Bella," I breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of my name, it wasn't filled with venom or hatred like I had presumed. "I don't know how, or when, but we'll work through this," his lips barely moved and I felt new pieces of my heart shatter at the sound of anguish in his voice.
But still there was my ray of hope: we would work through this.
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Please please please don't hate me!!!