.
Disclaimer: not mine
A/N: Can I just tell you? I'm terrified of the 10th chapter. Double digits…..it seems like such a commitment…
Eep. Anyway. Hope you like this!
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"I bet Bella can beat you," Alice boasted as Emmett took his bows to our awed clapping. He frowned, looking at me smugly.
"Oh really?" he asked, clearly not convinced.
"Ew, Alice, can we not?" Rosalie said, scrunching up her nose, "It was disgusting enough watching Emmett do it."
"Bella can do it," Alice continued.
We were all sitting in Jasper and Emmett's, rather disgusting, room. The pizza had been devoured and the hours had been burned away with laughter and talking and teasing. What homework? Responsibilities? Peer pressure?
Pssssshhhhhhhh.
"What makes you so sure," Emmett said, crossing his arms in a challenging way.
"She's a man," Alice shrugged. I chucked my straw wrapper at her and she giggled.
Emmett just spat his gum from across the room and into the garbage can. He got two dollars from Jasper because Jasper bet he wouldn't be able to. Emmett raised his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes
"You can't have spitting contests with gum," I said, laughing as Rosalie 'ewwwwww'd again at my insinuations.
"Um, we also can't have spitting contests in my room," Jasper added, laying back on his bed and doodling on a napkin.
"It's my room too, dickface," Emmett huffed.
"Besides, it's already filthy enough," Edward added in, "A few wads of spit on the walls won't really make a difference."
Edward and I were sitting on the floor, our backs leaning against the side of Emmett's bed. Rosalie was lying down, her head on my lap as I played with her hair. Alice was sitting cross-legged at the foot of Jasper's bed. Emmett was standing and looking in the mood to challenge me to a spitting contest.
"So, wait, you really think you can beat me?" Emmett said to me.
"Take it outside," Jasper said, flipping his hair out of his face as Alice watched him sneakily out of the corner of her eye. I resisted rolling my eyes at her.
"Ugh, but I don't want to get up," I groaned, involuntarily leaning into Edward's shoulder. He was warm. And comfortable. And he didn't seem to mind, so I stayed there with my shoulder leaning against his.
"Lazy ass," Rosalie murmured.
"Hey, if I get up, you have to get up too."
"Save the showdown for some other day, Emmett," Rosalie said as I smirked. Emmett sighed.
"You all suck," he said, running and jumping onto his bed, making Edward, Rosalie, and I duck as he landed with a 'ka-thump'.
"Well fine, but I'm still betting on Bella," Alice said, crossing her arms.
"That's cool, I like proving people wrong," Emmett said cockily, "Tomorrow after Art, Bella?"
"Can't. I meet with Edward for our Bio project then," I said, remembering the project was due soon.
"Fine, the day after-shit, no, I have soccer," he sighed, "The day after that?"
"That's the day of the dance!" Alice squealed.
"The dance is this Friday?" Edward asked.
"Yes," Alice huffed, "And Bella and Rosalie are both going."
I outright laughed. So did Edward.
"I don't dance," I said the same time Edward said, "Bella doesn't dance."
I glared at him, daring him to tell anyone at all about the 5th grade fiasco, but he just smirked.
"She will," Alice said menacingly, "And besides, how the hell would you know, Edward?"
Flashback
I was tugging on the pink skirt my mom made me wear for the dance. It was the first and only dance for the 5th graders at Forks Elementary. Jimmy was standing next to me with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking amused and mischievous as he took in the dance hall. Crusty was devouring a finger sandwich, Travis was glaring at his shoes and yanking at the tie his mother made him wear.
I was wearing my black Converses, the shoe laces untied. I was also scowling.
The ceiling was decorated with yellow and orange streamers and some loud, obnoxious, pop music was blasting through the speakers as my grade danced on the dance floor, the girls in their short jean skirts and leggings and flip flops and tank tops, the boys in their jeans and t-shirts.
I wanted to go home. I hated my mom for trying to make me more social.
Jimmy and Travis were grabbing balloons and untying them, sucking in the helium so that they sounded like munchkins. Crusty traveled back to the food table and I stood by myself with my arms crossed.
I saw Edward across the room, talking to his friends and laughing. He was wearing a polo and jeans, sipping on the red punch.
I felt someone tap my shoulder a few times. I turned around. Luke, a kind of shy but nice-faced boy with braces was standing there and breathing heavily. I looked around to see if maybe he had gotten the wrong person.
"Hey Bella," he said, his face turning purple, "Do you want to dance?"
I blinked at him. He looked terrified.
"Um," I said, "Sureeee…"
He grinned and led me awkwardly onto the dance floor. We danced for a little, even more awkwardly, but it was more of a hopping around and singing along with music I didn't know. I was just beginning to enjoy myself when Luke accidentally stepped on my shoelace. I lost my balance and fell backwards, and it was like it all happened in slow motion.
Luke's face was in shock, everyone gasped and looked at me, and I was falling backwards straight into the-
Keerrrrrssspplattt!
I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt liquid splash all around me and crunching noises fill my ears.
I had landed on the food table.
The room was dead silent as I stood myself up, the chaperones rushing to see if I was okay. I felt the sticky punch on my arms and chips in my hair, but I was livid and beet red with embarrassment. I stood myself up, pulled my arm away from one of the chaperones, marched over to a very shocked Luke, and punched him straight in the gut.
End Flashback
"Experience," I grumbled, "And painful, painful memories."
"It wasn't that bad," Edward said, smiling down at me. I gave him a look of disbelief.
"What happened?" Rosalie asked, looking up at me.
"You don't want to know," I sighed, pointedly looking at Edward, who just laughed.
"In 5th grade," he began, but I pinched his side with my arm.
"Ouch!" he said, rubbing his side, "Why can't I tell them?"
"Basically," I said, ignoring Edward, "I embarrassed myself at a 5th grade dance and ended up punching a boy in the stomach. I've sworn off dancing ever since."
"You've never been to a dance since 5th grade!?" Alice exclaimed.
Well, when you put it that way…
"I've crashed a dance once…" I said, grinning sheepishly.
"7th grade," Edward sighed, nodding, "Her and Jimmy pelted everyone with balloons filled with paint."
Emmett guffawed as Jasper snickered. Alice had her jaw open wide and Rosalie looked shocked.
"Bella? Really?" Rosalie said, laughing, "Why?"
"Um, I don't actually remember there ever being a reason," I said, trailing off, "We might have just been bored…"
"We had paint in our hair for weeks," Edward said.
"I wish there were pictures of that," Emmett said.
"Doesn't matter. You're going anyway, Bella," Alice said, her voice stern, "I refuse to let you miss out on high school frivolity."
"I don't dance," I insisted, "I'll go, but I don't dance."
"Yeah, well, we'll see about that," Alice said, "I get my way."
"She does," Rosalie said, smirking up at me. I rolled my eyes.
"I don't know, Alice, Bella's pretty hardheaded about the whole not-dancing thing," Edward said cautiously, as if warning her I was going to murder her in her sleep.
"I have a plan," Alice said, looking at me in a all-knowing way. It wouldn't have been so bad. But then she flickered her eyes to Edward and my stomach dropped.
She wouldn't.
I don't like him like that, I told her with my glaring eyes.
We'll see, she responded with hers.
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It was raining and I was ecstatic. Rosalie and Alice were huddled under an umbrella, but I absorbed every bit of rain as possible. I hopped in the muddy puddles in the grass as we made our way to the game. My clothes were soaked through and my sneakers were probably disgusting, but I felt refreshed and clean and free.
The boys had left us about half an hour ago, getting ready to go to their game. By then, I'd ended up with my legs resting on Edward's and my head in Rosalie's lap. Emmett was lying parallel to me, Rosalie's legs on top of his, Alice and Jasper on the bed with Alice snuggled into his side. The conversation has drifted to stupid, random things. Heavy topics about how different we knew things were going to be once this dinner was over. Rosalie had to go back to being a bitch to Emmett. Alice had to go back to being all teeter-tottery with Jasper.
And Edward and I…we went back to our strange little exclusive friendship that confused me and gave me a thrill in my bones at the same time.
And scared me too.
But I couldn't bring myself to let it go.
"Bella Swan, you are going to get so sick and infected and disgusting," Alice called out to me as I skipped across the grass, stopping to raise my arms and stick my tongue out to the rain. In the rain I didn't have to think about any of this shit, and lately, not thinking has been the goal. In the rain, I could pretend I was back in Forks where things made sense.
"One word, Bella," Rosalie called out, "Ringworm!"
I laughed.
We finally go to the bleachers, Rosalie and Alice still nagging me and murmuring their concerns. Alice sat in the middle, glaring at me sternly as she forcefully held the umbrella over both Rosalie and I. Laughing still, we watched as the game started.
Burnswick came out and I was jealous as they ran out into the rain. The opposing team, the Bumblebees from Ratchers, followed, clapping their hands and kicking their soccer balls and swinging their arms. I tried to find Edward through the crowd of jerseys.
I finally saw him juggling a ball on his knees, his hair already soaked and mashed against his face. I smiled involuntarily. Alice nudged me with her elbow and I wiped off the smile immediately.
"Something funny?" Alice asked, smirking.
"Yeah, your face," I deadpanned, my eyes on the field.
"Good one," Rosalie said sarcastically.
I watched other boys, trying to find a cute one amongst the opponents to keep my mind off Edward. No such luck. I was comparing them. You know, to Edward. A sign of the beginnings of infatuation…
No. Stop that. None of them are cute, that's all.
I sighed, aggravated at myself.
After watching them practice for a few minutes, the referee finally blew the whistle to start the game. The bleachers clapped and whooped, Rosalie whistling and Alice screaming, "GO BURNSWICK!"
I decided to try and find Edward again. He was a starter, playing middle field. He was chatting with one of his teammates, slapping his shoulder before getting into position and sending a glance towards the bleachers. My heart pounded. Who was he looking for?
His eyes landed on mine. He grinned and I smiled back, waving.
Rosalie cleared her throat loudly and Alice giggled. I ignored them until Edward's eyes finally left mine. Then I turned to glare at them.
"If I was an assface whenever any of you made goo-goo eyes-" I threatened but Alice shushed me.
"The game is starting, Bella!" she said, laughing because she cut me off.
I mumbled something about not needing to be quiet during a soccer game and crossed my arms like a two year old. The game rumbled on, the bleachers 'awwww'ing whenever Burnswick did something wrong, cursing whenever Burnswick did something really really wrong, and cheering whenever Burnswick did something good.
The cheerleaders bounced around with their pom poms, grinning their cheerleader smiles. Lady Marmalade played during the timeouts, the Raccoon mascot shaking his ass at the crowd, making everyone wolf whistle and crack up. It's sad that our mascot's name was Lady Mimi, short for Lady Marmalade. I was pretty sure it was a boy Raccoon when I first saw it, but I guess there isn't really a way to be sure…
Eventually, Burnswick took the lead and everyone got to their feet, chanting/shouting "voulez vous coucher avec moi," which, you know, probably wasn't entirely appropriate (and I'm pretty sure a quarter of the crowd wasn't sure what they were chanting), but fired us up nonetheless.
Lady Mimi was hip-thrusting down the out-of-bounds line.
We sang, chanted, screamed, and I found myself actually cussing out the other team.
How does that happen?
I laughed at myself, and soon it became border-lining hysterical. Rosalie and Alice gave me queer looks.
"Did you just hear me?" I gasped through my laughter, laughing more at the fact that I was laughing.
"Um, no?" Rosalie said.
"You didn't hear me?" I laughed some more, "I freakin' screamed it."
"What'd you say?" Alice asked, smiling slowly.
"I went, 'FUCK YOU, BUMBLEBEES!'," I laughed, tears almost streaming down my face, "Oh my God, I've fucking lost my mind."
"You said that?" Rosalie laughed.
"At least you've got spirit," Alice said.
"I screamed it," I gasped through my laughter, shaking my head at myself, "Like it was the worst thing in the world to happen to me."
"Oookkayyy," Rosalie said, "Let's take you home."
I shook my head, putting my hand on Alice's shoulder as I doubled over with laughter. I finally got a hold of myself in time to see Emmett head-butt a Bumblebee in the gut.
Maybe we were all going crazy tonight…
Something about chanting crowds and rain and the smell of sweat and mud?
Finally, after a few more 'awwwww's and 'fuck you, Bumblebees', Lady Mimi and her Burnswick Raccoons threw in the towel. We put up a good fight. And after all the school bonding we went through in the past two hours (I high-fived some kid I never spoke to in my life…), I thought maybe there was something more to it than just the game. The wins and losses and all that metaphorical shit.
We walked down the bleachers, Rosalie balancing me as I tried to hop over the slippery metal benches with my soaked sneakers. We were laughing and I was still on my high from the rain, not at all worried about my mood swings because I'd worry about those later when falling asleep tonight. We morphed with the crowd, some people going to the dorms, others to the field, and some other people off to go do unspeakable things behind the trees.
And then I saw Jimmy.
Quil had just patted him on the shoulder, giving me a sad, disappointed look as he walked away. Jacob and Embry were standing a few feet away, gossiping together. Quil met up with them and they all looked at me before turning their backs and walking away.
"I'm…" I said to Alice and Rosalie, whose smiles disappeared when they saw my suddenly solemn face, "I needa talk to Jimmy.."
They looked at Jimmy, giving me worried looks.
"I'll be fine," I said, hugging them before they could protest, "I'll call you later, all right?"
Rosalie kissed me on my cheek and Alice poked me in the ribs, saying their goodbyes and waving as they skipped down the last steps and walked with the scattered crowd towards the dorms.
I made the last steps by myself, careful not to fall. I finally got down to the ground, where Jimmy was staring at his shoes, his hands in his pockets.
"You don't have an umbrella," he mumbled, not looking at me.
"Neither do you," I replied.
He looked up at me, his eyes blank and yet so hurt at the same time. Fuck. I didn't want him hurting, I was just trying to figure this out.
God, Bella, you knew he'd be hurting. You ditched him. And you've avoided this. Take it like a man, at least.
We began walking silently, not really knowing where we were going.
"Where were you the other night?" he asked, not looking at me still.
"With Edward," I said. No use in lying. He didn't look surprised, but he sighed.
"I guessed that…"
I didn't respond.
"He treating you nicely?" he asked. I nodded.
"He's a good guy," I said.
"I know. That's what kills me."
I didn't respond still, knowing the feeling all too well.
"But…I guess I can't keep you from being friends with him just because I'm an insecure bitch with hatred buried inside me for that perfect, pretty boy…"
"If you just-"
"Bella, don't convert me," he sighed. We stopped walking. I looked up at him with a little bit of shock. He looked at his shoes.
"I don't want your knew religion shoved down my throat," he mumbled.
"Edward's not a rel-"
"Group. Posse. Entourage. Whatever."
We were silent. I felt my gut shaking and my jaw trembling. My fingers wanted to punch something but my mind reminded me something about non-violence. Even though I would never direct it towards Jimmy.
I felt the storm coming.
"Is that what this whole thing is about?" I asked in a whisper. Jimmy let out a sharp sigh, hunching his shoulders.
"What have Jacob, Quil, and Embry told you?" I asked louder, "Jimmy, don't listen to that shit. Cliques are cliques and you can't just…just…follow them. Jimmy, please don't…just…please don't…"
I trailed off. Jimmy was looking at his goddamned shoes and I couldn't even put my thoughts into words. My mouth opened and closed, struggling to find words. I felt the storm getting closer.
"I was watching you the other day…" he sighed, "And…I just don't think I could be friends…with your friends…"
"Jimmy, no, don't even say that," I said, shaking my head vehemently, "To hell with them, you don't need to be friends with them to be friends with me. Jimmy…Jimmy, I can't believe this. You're not seriously…fuck. Jimmy…please save the melodramatics."
"Yeah, whatever, I know it's a load of douchebaggery, but you believe it too," Jimmy said, "I know you do somewhere in there."
"Wha-what are you saying?"
"Why else would you have ditched me for them?"
"Because I didn't want to deal with this! This little clique system Jacob and co. have ground into your brain."
"And with them you don't have to deal with it?"
I didn't respond, my mouth trying to find the words.
"That's right, you ignore it, because your new friends are at the top," Jimmy said, his eyes angry in a way that I've never seen because Jimmy hardly got angry at all, "You don't need to talk about how you were going to get past the locker room without having the jocks kick your friends and make fun of them because they can't do sports. You don't need to talk about how this girl you like won't talk to you because you're at the bottom. You don't want to change anything because hey, you've got it made up there."
"Jimmy. I can't believe you think…why would you….don't even…" I was in shock, my fists clenched. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I felt the storm on my back.
"Look, Bella, I hate this too. I do. Really," he sighed, softening, "And…I'm not blocking you out. I'm not making you choose between me and them…I'm just…"
He shook his head and cursed under his breath.
"I don't even know what I needed to say," he huffed, "I wanted…I just wanted to tell you…that there is a difference. Even if you try to ignore it, Bella, hanging out with me will get you beat up by the jocks…hanging out with Edward will get you worshipped."
There was silence. I still can't believe he swallowed this hierarchy shit. I was stunned. And I didn't want to believe any of it. I wanted to believe that he was wrong. Everything was wrong.
But the right idea was there…the idea I've been trying to avoid and I knew I'd avoid in the future.
"Are you done?" I whispered.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I can't believe I was losing a friend to this. My cousin.
"We're not friends, then?" I said, trying not to cry.
"Don't say that, Bella."
"I don't understand."
"I'm saying…." he sighed, looking at me sadly, "You don't need to be weighed down….not anymore. I'm not…"
It didn't sound like he understood either. But something was there. And we both hated it. And I wanted to go back to Forks.
He walked away without a goodbye, leaving me standing there.
The thing that was hilarious was that neither of us could solve anything: I go on ignoring everything, Jimmy goes on freaking out about things he couldn't place a finger on.
The thing that was even more hilarious was that the storm was already here.
It's been here.
It's been raining.
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My mood swings were giving me a headache. One minute I'm on the bleachers laughing my guts out at my own retarded laughter, and the next I'm sitting under the bleachers with my knees tucked to my chest and my self-pity choking me. The patheticness was almost as overwhelming as the strangeness.
Under the bleachers? Really? I was surprised I didn't find any horny teenagers getting hot n' heavy under here.
I sighed. I just needed to clear my mind. Forget everything Jimmy said and move on. Because Jimmy is wrong. He's wrong. Right? Right. Okay. So you can just get up now, Bella.
I couldn't move. But I wouldn't cry. I don't cry over stupid shit like this.
Is it that stupid?
Yes. God.
Then why do you want to cry?
….it's just that stupid.
I could see my internal-conscience-self-thing giving me a disbelieving look.
Sigh. My sanity is slowly slipping away. How much longer until graduation?
"Bella?"
"Nope," I said, sighing, hoping whoever it was would leave me alone. I couldn't hear the voice very well over the pitter-patter of the rain on the metal bleachers, and there was no way I was going to explain myself to some voice I couldn't recognize.
I rubbed my eyes and brushed my muddy hands on my skirt. I'd have to get up soon. Quit moping and take it like a man. Go back to Rosalie and Alice like I just went running in the rain. Maybe I'd be okay enough to make it believable. I hated myself for hiding this….but I've never been one to take the high, compassionate, share-your-feelings road. You never get anywhere on the road.
Nowhere but heartache….or so I've heard. I don't know, I've never been on that road.
Suddenly I felt someone sitting next to me and jumped, turned, and prepared to beat off a rapist.
It was Edward. He was still in his uniform and his face was all worried and damp with rain.
To say I didn't want to talk to him would be true and false at the same time. Half-and-half, maybe? Or, more likely, one of those simultaneous emotions I seem to love to be sporting these days.
"You're sitting under the bleachers," he said, "And you don't have an umbrella."
I didn't answer, picking at my shoelaces.
"I saw you walk off with Jimmy…"
I let my breath come out in sharp sigh, rubbing my eyes again. This I didn't want to talk about. Can we talk about how Lady Mimi is a transsexual raccoon?
"Bella?"
I wanted to say "Nope" again, but he already figured out it was me here all along.
"I ditched him the other day," I grumbled, still not looking at Edward. He didn't say anything.
"Why?" he asked finally.
"To hang out with you."
"Me?"
I nodded mutely. He sighed and I cringed, not wanting to look at him. I was embarrassed for admitting it.
"Is he mad?"
"Good question," I responded blankly.
I felt teary again. I didn't want him to be mad. Edward was silent still.
"Edward, are we friends now?" I asked him, finally looking at him as my voice cracked with the tears welling up. Edward's blank face softened a little.
"I'd say so," he said, perplexed, "Why?"
I let out a quiet laugh without humor. A laugh at my patheticness.
"Because…" I said, letting out a shaky sigh as I held back the tears, "I feel like for the past few weeks….I've been losing all of mine."
I swiped at my eyes but Edward grabbed my hand. He brought our clasped hands to my face, brushing his knuckles across my cheek before looking me in the eyes. I held back the sob.
"What do you want me to say?" he whispered, "Shit, Bella, it's killing me seeing you like this."
I looked at our knees that were touching and tried to calm myself down from this ridiculous mood swing.
"Tell me Lady Mimi is a transsexual," I mumbled and we shared quiet laughter. Then we got serious again.
"Look, Bella, I know everything is…a mess," he said, finding the words with a slight frown on his face, "And hell if I know how to fix any of it. If anyone knows how."
I looked down because his concern was making something churn in my gut. He nudged my knee with his and I looked up at him again. He was going to say something. But he stopped.
I saw it in his eyes. The dependency. We both needed each other, and maybe not in the sexual way. For reasons…well, reasons we didn't get…we needed this strange little unconventional friendship. Didn't we want to kill each other a few days ago? Maybe it had to do with the hormones or the stress or just the spell of Burnswick in general.
I squeezed his hand, he squeezed mine, I resisted the urge to kiss his damp lips and run my hands through his dripping hair, and we stared up at the rain clouds, wondering when it'll pass.
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I hope I captured this enough: everyone is confused. Everyone is moody and on internal, emotional roller coasters. Make sense?
Well, as much as it can, I guess. Anyway, that's just my explanation in case you all review and are like 'what the hell is up with yer freakazoid characters? Are they on crack?'
So anyway, it's my favorite part of teenage angst. It doesn't seem real if it makes sense, you know? Because teenagers are still in that figuring-out-who-I-am thing, and they don't really know yet.
That's my take, at least.
Been a hectic week. Computer crashed and all…sigh…reviews will make my headache go away!