Okay, I'm totally breaking down my comfort zone. I have never written such an angst filled fanfic! I don't know where it came from! Eli would be proud. Anyways, I don't feel like ranting about tomorrow's episode. I'm anticipating it so much! Anyways, Crawling by Superchick is awesome and you should listen to it. It was part of the music set list for this piece.

Enjoy!

"Clare?"

I can see her reflection in the mirror. She is wearing a black dress that falls a little below her knee. Funny, I've never seen her willingly wear a dress that is that long. Her hair is pulled up in a bun, and she is wearing very little make-up. Her grim expression is enough to know.

It is time.

But I'm not ready.

I shake my head. She sighs. It's a sad sound. I've never heard her sigh before. She walks over to me, her heels clicking is the only sound in the room. It was nice of her to come. She didn't have to. She had insisted that she did. She was my best friend. It's what they do.

"Everyone's ready. We can't leave without you." My eyes lock with hers through the mirror. I look back at my own reflection.

The girl who reflects back at me is staring at me. She's pale. Her lips are dry. Her eyes are a steely blue. She is not smiling. She looks more mature, like she has seen more than enough hate and pain for one life time. She is wearing all black.

I want to smile, remembering. He used to say black wasn't my style.

"Clare?" Her voice is careful, tentative. She takes a hesitant step forward. She puts a hand on my shoulder. I stiffen. I resist the urge to shrug it off. She seems to understand and pulls her hand away.

"I'm not going." My voice sounds forlorn. She looks shocked. I pick up my hair brush and pull it through my auburn locks.

"What do you mean?" She sounds like she is talking to a crazy person. I shrug, nonchalant.

"If I go, then that means I've given up. It means he's gone and he's not coming back." I respond, as though it is the simplest thing in the world.

Her expression changes to one of sympathy. She believes I've gone mad with grief.

"Honey, I know you're hurting, but he's not coming back. He's gone." Her voice cracks. She brings the tissue she was holding to her eyes and dabs.

I put the brush down and turn around. She's staring at me. She puts her arms around me and pulls me forward. She runs her palm down my head. She's trying to comfort me. I hate to admit that her holding me is helping.

Tears are streaming down my face. I pull myself away from her and wipe my eyes with my forearm.

"I'll be down in a second." I respond, my voice thick with emotion. She nods and turns to go. As soon as she's gone, the room seems too big. Too spacious. And at the same time, it seems to suffocate me.

I put on some lip balm. Screw make-up. He told me I was pretty without it. I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes lock on my necklaces. One was a crucifix. The other a locket. One my mother gave me. The other he gave me.

Reaching over, I yank the crucifix off. It comes off easily. Clutching it in my palm tightly, I feel the cross make an impress on my palm. With a cry, I throw it against the wall. Anger and hatred burns through me.

I look down at my hand. A cross is printed on my palm. I rub my skin hard, desperate to make the indentation go away.

God has forsaken me. That or I have greatly sinned. Only one or the other could've made Him make the decision to take away one of the most important people in my life. Tears have started their stream again. I'm panting. I wipe my tears away. Returning to the mirror, I look into the eyes of my reflection.

I can only see one side of her. The side that has lost her faith.

How could God take him away from me? My own father? Yes, he divorced my mother. Yes, he started drinking. But he was still a good man. He was still a good father. And he had been a good husband. So why take him away?

I sigh deeply, my head pounding. I open my door and take a deep breath. I walk as slowly as I can down the stairs. My mom and Alli are standing by the door. I walk past them and straight to the awaiting taxi.

The ride was too quick, in my opinion. We were already here. We took a seat in the very front. A half hour early. Alli didn't speak. She just held my hand. The whole church was full by the time the ceremony started.

And then someone sat right beside me. I didn't have to turn my head to know it was Eli. He had told me he did not know if he could make it. I'm surprised he is here. The service passed by all too soon.

Everyone files out and into their own cars. My mother is silent, only answering when Alli asked her a question. Alli decided to ride to the gravesite with Connor and Principal Simpson. I didn't know why they were going. Mr. Simpson had told me that my father was a kind, good-natured man and he respected them. Connor was only going for my sake.

My mother stares out the window while Eli takes a seat beside me.

"What are you doing here?" I murmur when the car starts. My mother only turned to us briefly to see who I am talking to before turning back to stare out the window.

"I cancelled." He shrugs. I nod slowly before staring down at my hands. He grabs one of them. His hand is warm. Normally, I would be affected by his actions. But not today.

Finally, to my dismay, we arrive. Everyone steps out of the cars and follows the people who are carrying the coffin. My heart jumps to my throat. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to bury my father. Not when he is-no was- only forty-five years old.

I stop. Eli, who was walking beside me, stops and turns. He holds out his hand. I shake my head. I can't.

"Clare." His voice is soft, pleading. I look into his eyes. All of his emotions are showing. He knows I'm not ready. But he thinks it is best for me to go. I have to say goodbye, whether I'm ready or not.

I take his hand as he drags me to my seat. The ceremony begins.

The priest is talking about something I can't focus on. At some point, my mother burst into tears. My father's sister came to kneel before her. I should be worse than her. But all I can feel is numbness. The priest looks at me. That's my cue.

My legs are wobbly as I stand. I'm afraid I'll trip and fall over, that's how bad my legs are shaking. I'm nervous. Having everyone looking at me is nerve wracking.

I begin.

I start talking about my dad as I knew him. People start crying. More than once I have to stop and clear my throat. It feels tight, like I can't breathe.

My voice portrays no emotion. As soon as I finish, I grab a white rose. I have to start everyone else off. My hand is shaking violently as I set it down on my dad's casket.

I move as others repeat my action. Eventually, they start the lowering of the casket. I can't breathe. Alli starts to cry. Connor rubs her back.

I gasp. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating.

"Daddy! No! You can't bury him! Not yet!" I cry, dropping down to my knees. I'm desperate. I hear my mother wailing. "You don't understand!" I scream. I'm pulled back by someone. They start hugging me.

I thrash in their arms.

No! I'm not ready to say goodbye!

"Clare." Eli has his lips against my ears. "Calm down. Relax." He soothes me. I slump against him. I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm gasping, trying to steady my crying. He's rubbing my back. I feel a drop on my cheek. It starts raining. People open umbrellas. It starts to pour in a matter of seconds.

I want to scream. When I was little, my father used to say 'When it rains, God is crying for the person He had to bring home up in heaven.'

He's mocking me. At least, it seems that way. They finish. People start to leave. They stop to give their condolences to my mom, who has calmed down. I pull away from Eli and kneel down on the dirt ground.

I crawl over to my dad's gravestone. I trace my finger over the letters. I turn and lean against the tombstone.

I open my eyes. Alli, Connor, and Mr. Simpson are staring at me with empathetic eyes. Alli covers her mouth as she sobs. They turn away from me and start to walk away.

Alli turns back. She runs towards me and hugs me.

"Call me." That being said, she leaves. I turn to Eli. He's walking towards me. He sits down next to me. He pulls me into a hug.

I feel stupid. I'm sitting on my dad's grave because this is the only way to feel like he is still here, with me.

I start to cry, loud, uncontrollable sobs. Eli pulls me tighter against him. My mother doesn't try to get us to leave with her.

Three hours have passed. The rain is still beating hard. I don't think I've ever seen it rain this hard, this long. I've stopped crying. But I haven't stopped the occasional hiccup.

I look up to see Eli is staring at me. His hair is sticking to his face. I reach up and brush it away from his face. He looks like he might've been crying too, but I can't be sure.

I stand and he does to. I start shivering. He pulls off his jacket and props it over my shoulder.

"Let's go. I don't wanna be here anymore." I say in my hoarse voice. He nods and pulls me in the direction of the exit.

"Bye, daddy." I whisper and turn away from his grave. Lightning cracks overhead. Like God was screaming.

My faith was buried with my father.

Can you believe this was originally supposed to be ELI's funeral? But I couldn't kill him off. I just couldn't!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Leave it in a review!

~S.S.