*Door opens, Moolie walks in.*
Moolie: Home, sweet home!
Aggie: Hey, Ginny. Did you remember to clear your breakfast plate before we left?
Ginny: Uh...wait, what was my line here...
Moolie: It appears that my leftover apple core has combined with your 2-month-old yogurt and created a strange crossbreed of plant...
...
Chapter Ten: Merry Never Gets a Lady
"Oh, Aragorn, you're back!" Éowyn said when she first saw him. And she promptly fainted. Aragorn sighed.
"She hasn't shut up about you-" said Théoden, but his response was quickly silenced by a glare from Azimah.
"So, anything new happen while I was on holiday?" Aragorn said suggestively, leaning over Théoden's desk in the great hall. He gave the king an eyebrow wiggle. "Any new gossip?"
"Huh?" Théoden said, confuzzled. But Aragorn jerked his head first in Azimah's direction, using exaggerated eye movements. "Hmm, hmm?" Then he jerked his head in Legolas' direction, repeating his gestures.
"Ahh," said Théoden, catching on. And suddenly he began a silent conversation with Aragorn, which consisted of the same exact gestures and sounds.
"What are you doing?" Azimah asked, eyeing them suspiciously.
"We're talking in a language only kings can understand!" Aragorn blurted out.
Legolas raised his hand hopefully. "I'm next in line. Can I talk like that?"
"Shut up!" Theoden and Aragorn shouted in unison.
Azimah just shook her head.
(Later that day.)
After Aragorn had told Théoden of the awfully big army heading their way, Théoden thought it was high time he get Helm's Deep prepared for the battle of, well, Helm's Deep. So he had every fit man and boy gather in the armory for a meeting.
"I do hope this won't be a waste of time…" Azimah muttered. She, Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn were standing at the back of the room.
"Look alive, ladies, the king is in the house!" Théoden yelled from the doorway.
"Hey! He stole my line!"
"Oh my-"
"Silence!" Théoden said, standing with his hands on his hips at the front of the room. Wearing a WWII army helmet. And tight, short shorts.
Enjoy.
"My eyes!" Legolas cried.
"Listen up!" Théoden shouted, staring everyone down. "We've only five hours 'till the Uruk- Hai arrive. We gotta get prepared-"
"But isn't the Deep already prepared enough?" someone asked.
"Silence! And no, I wasn't talking about Helm's Deep itself, I was talking about you, soldiers. We have to get you in the mindset of winning. 'Cuz that's what Rohanians do- they WIN!"
"I'm outta here." Azimah sighed, "I should have seen this coming."
"Who's with me?" Théoden yelled. Silence.
"I said," he said through clenched teeth. "Who's with me?"
"Aye!" everyone shouted.
"Good enough."
(Even later.)
"Well, that was a complete waste of time," Gimli grumbled after the meeting.
"Told you."
"Shut up, Azimah! I'd like to see you give a better speech than that." Aragorn sniffed. "It was so inspiring."
Legolas stood with an odd expression on his face. He kept muttering, "My eyes, my beautiful eyes," over and over under his breath.
(Eeeeeeven later.)
"I want that support beam over there," Theoden commanded.
"Put your backs into it! Move that support beam!" Aragorn yelled.
"Gamling, I need 25 men guarding the eastern wall!"
"Gamling! 25 men, hop to it!"
Theoden rounded on Aragorn, "Exactly what do you think you're doing?"
Aragorn struck a manly pose, "What do you think you're doing?"
"I am trying to prepare my keep against the hounds of hell that are practically on our doorstep!" Theoden said through gritted teeth.
"No way! I was doing that, too!" Aragorn said.
Theoden grabbed Aragorn by the scruff of his collar, "Just stay out of my way, you poser!"
He then stalked off.
"You still up for cards at seven?" Aragorn called after him.
After a brief silence Theoden called back, "How big is the pot?"
"We're in a war here!" Azimah exclaimed, "I think your card game can wait!"
More silence...
"Are you still mad that you lost last night?" Aragorn asked.
"She did have a pretty good hand," Theoden added.
Azimah threw her hands in the air. "That's it! I'm finished! You men are hopeless!"
She walked off to go help Eowyn.
"I think she's still mad that she lost," Aragorn said
"Totally," Theoden agreed.
"...So if we just move these over here," Eowyn said.
"Right," Azimah said, "I'll go get some."
As she walked to the armory, Legolas caught her arm.
"Azimah, there's something I want to talk to you about," he said.
"I'm kind of busy-" she began.
"No, its serious," Legolas said.
Azimah crossed her arms and gave him a quizzical look.
"Well?" she said, "What is it?"
Legolas took a deep breath. "I think that it would be best if you stayed in the caves with Eowyn tonight," he said.
"What!" she yelled.
"Look I know that-" Legolas began.
"This is the first real battle of the story, and you're asking me to sit it out?" she exclaimed.
"Yes, but-"
"I have worked my butt off for this fellowship and you think I'm weak?"
"No its-"
"Well, what then? What is it?"
"Look," said Legolas, grabbing her shoulders, "I just don't want you to get hurt, okay?"
Azimah just stared at him for a moment and then shook him off and walked away.
"Dude, no worries," said Arargorn, slapping Legolas on the shoulder. "She's just mad that she lost to my full house last night."
Men..." grumbled Eowyn as she went to go find Azimah. She found her sitting in a corner at the top of the battlements.
"Hey Azimah?" Eowyn said as she popped a squat next to her.
"What?" Azimah said coldly.
"You should lighten up a little, seriously, you've been really angsty lately," Eowyn said, patting her on the shoulder.
"Huh?" Azimah looked up at Eowyn.
"Well for instance, you've shouted for the majority of this chapter alone."
"Sorry, " Azimah said, resting her head on her knees, "I've just got a lot on my mind."
"You want to talk about it?" Eowyn asked.
"Nah, its an Elf thing," Azimah said with a small smile. "Its kind of complicated."
"Okay," said Eowyn, "If you need me, I'll be helping my uncle."
As she walked away, Azimah watched Legolas help some men hoist a wooden beam to a higher level of the fortress. She reached in her pocket and took out the little doll, staring at it as it sat in her palm.
"Its complicated."
(Now, let's visit our friends in Fangorn Forest.)
"And so..."
"Yes?"
"And so..."
"...YES?"
"We have...decided..."
"Oh my Tolkien, what!"
"...I forgot."
`Merry fell to his knees. "I can't take this anymore." He fell on his face and lay completely still.
"Merry?" Pippin mumbled as he poked Merry with a stick.
"Drama queen," Nora said.
"I'm not a queen!" Merry yelled into the grass.
"Oh, yes...I remember now..." Treebeard said. "We have decided...you are not...Orcs..."
Merry groaned. Pippin rolled his eyes. "Do you even know what an Orc looks like?"
Treebeard held out a picture drawn with purple crayon. "Like...this..."
Nora and Pippin studied the picture for a moment.
"It looks like Nicolas Cage," Nora said seriously.
"That's a pretty good picture," Pippin observed. "Is that cross-hatching I detect?"
Treebeard smiled. "It's...been a while...since I've found someone...who's appreciated...the arts..."
"What about the war?" Nora yelled at the Ents. "If we lose, I can assure you, there won't be many tree-huggers left!"
"Don't be hasty...young...girl..." Treebeard said.
The Ents went back to talking and Treebeard gave them each a brown bag lunch and shooed them away. Nora and Pippin each took one of Merry's feet and dragged him after them.
"So," said Pippin. "What part of the forest shall we explore today?"
"Hm..." said Nora, surveying the area. "Well, we've already gone over there."
"Yeah, there were bees over there..."
"And we've been to the vegetable garden."
"Yes. That was weird."
"Aaaand, we've already skipped rocks in the creek."
"And I've found the Ents' supply of magical growth water."
Nora glanced at Pippin. "Yes you have."
"What do you think, Merry?"
Merry twitched.
"Hmm..." Nora pointed at a shadowy corner in the distance. "Let's check it out!"
The group began their trek into the shadows. It was cooler in this part of the forest, the dense canopy of trees created a dim environment. Pippin ran ahead to chase fireflies that were starting to appear.
Nora looked around and noted that many of the plants had bioluminescence (vocabulary word of the day!), casting an otherwordly glow on the surroundings.
Pippin ran back to her. "Where are we?" he whispered.
"Why are we whispering?" Nora whispered back.
"I dunno, it just seems like the kind of place to whisper."
"Agreed."
They dragged Merry deeper into the forest. Nora stopped suddenly.
"Do you hear that, Pippin?"
"Yes. It sounds like ominous singing in the distance. Let's go towards it!"
"Yeah!"
"Mmmmmmrphhhmmm!"
"C'mon, Merry!" Pippin said as they continued to drag him. Nora began to notice shifting in the bushes surrounding them.
"Pippin...?"
Pippin began glancing around nervously as well. He was hearing hushed whispers and snapping twigs.
"Pippin, I'm a little scared."
"So am I."
Nora looked at him. "You're not supposed to be scared! Be a man!"
"But I'm not a man! I'm a hobbit!"
"...Touche."
"Should we go back?" he whispered.
Suddenly, a voice came from behind them. "You cannot go back."
Pippin and Nora whipped around. "Haldir?"
"Who's Haldir?" A young hobbit-like girl stood before them. Her curly golden hair fell in a long braid down her back. Her eyes were narrowed in suspicion.
"What's a hobbit doing in Fangorn Forest?" Pippin asked.
"She's not a hobbit," Nora said. "She's wearing shoes!"
"A lady!" Merry sprang to his feet, slicking his hair back. His entire front was covered in grass stains. Nora and Pippin snickered. The lady raised her eyebrows.
"I am Atzi," she said, folding her arms in front of her. "Ambassador of the Fangorn Sprite Colony."
"Oh, a woman with power, eh?" Merry said. "I like that."
Atzi rolled her eyes and began walking away. "Since you've already wandered into our territory, you might as well follow."
Merry looked downtrodden. Nora motioned for the hobbits to follow and she set off after Atzi. Pippin patted Merry on the shoulder.
"Come on Merry," he said. "She's not the first to turn you down."
Merry kicked sadly at the undergrowth. "I know," he muttered. "I just figured I'd get paired with someone, all the blokes in the fellowship have a woman by now."
"That's not true, Legolas is still single," Pippin offered.
"Oh come on," Merry scoffed. "He and Azimah will be making babies any chapter now."
Pippin shot Merry a look.
"Alright so that's an overstatement," Merry sighed, "but we all know that's where they're headed."
"And not everyone has a lady," Pippin cut in. "Sam, Frodo, Boromir, Gandalf..."
"Even Sam has that girl Rosie, she'll marry anyone, she's a saint." Merry groaned. "Frodo and Fado are practically a couple, if he hasn't snogged her by now, I'll kill him. Boromir's freaking dead. And we all know Gandalf's as gay as the Fourth of July."
Pippin had nothing to say. Besides, they were catching up to the girls. As the group rounded the bend, Merry, Pippin, and Nora gasped. The Sprite Village was a sight indeed. Tiny spherical tree houses hung interconnected in the canopy, like an enormous web of colorful lanterns. Bridges led to stores, schools, and other buildings built into the side of a gargantuan tree in the center of the grove. Even Nora had to admit it was huge, five times larger than her father's castle up north.
"The Kia'i'Ola Tree has been the center of or community for centuries," Atzi said, smiling at their reaction.
"What happened there?" Merry asked quietly. He pointed to a large scorch mark in its side. The charred wood stretched for several yards, creating an ugly scar on the base of the magnificent tree. Atzi's face fell.
"One of our own," she whispered. "She was different from the rest of us. She couldn't control herself."
"Fado?" Merry looked bewildered. "Fado did that?"
Atzi looked thunderstruck. "How do you know her?" she asked.
"She's a friend of ours; she was part of our fellowship," Pippin explained. "But we had to split up because we were ambushed."
"Fado's headed to Mordor to help another friend of ours destroy a tacky piece of jewelry," Nora added.
Atzi looked slightly happier. "She has friends now? That's wonderful!" She motioned sadly towards the tree. "The villagers always ignored her. I tried to talk to her when I could."
"That's very nice of you." Merry said, smiling. Atzi gave him a friendly look.
"Who are these intruders?" boomed a voice behind them.
They turned to see a squat Sprite with a squashed-looking face and a purple robe.
"Elder Adolphus," Atzi bowed. "These are friends-"
"We're friends of Fado!" Pippin proclaimed gleefully.
The elder's eye's narrowed. "Wrong answer, Pippin," Nora whispered.
(Five Minutes Later...)
"He was a jerk," Merry said as he, Pippin and Nora ran towards the Entmoot.
(Now onto the Little People Group...)
Private Satchel had been a member of the Merry Men of Gondor for three years now. If there was anything he had learned, it was that nobody actually said what they meant. "Awesomeland" meant Gondor, "The Big Shnoz" meant Captain Faramir, and so on. Currently Creepster Fruitbat (a.k.a. Madril) was walking towards him. Satchel tried to quickly walk in the opposite direction but Creepster, creep that he was, anticipated his intentions and met him around the bend.
"Good Evening, Private," Madril said.
"Oh, good evening sir, I didn't see you there." Satchel snapped reluctantly to attention.
"Walk with me," Madril motioned down a corridor. Translation: "Just because you're off duty doesn't mean I can't find a job for you to do."
Satchel sighed and followed.
Madril cleared his throat. "How's your mother doing?" he asked. Translation: "I'm trying to instigate some form of conversation so I won't look like a total jerkwad."
"She's fine, just got over her pneumonia," Satchel replied in an attempt to sound cheerful.
"That's nice." Translation: "Good, now she can send you more zucchini bread for me to steal."
They paused in front of one of the heavy doors, Creepster Fruitbat turned and grinned at Satchel.
"So I was wondering how we could reward Mister Baggins for the favor he's done us," he said.
Satchel frowned, he didn't understand that one.
"We'll have to make sure we give him some compensation for his services," Creepster continued. Satchel knew that one. If a new recruit messed up a mission he was honeyed and feathered in his sleep, returned to his bed, then carried outside, mattress and all and placed in the forbidden pool to float, only to be awoken by a volley of arrows landing next to him and the entire company shouting "NO ONE GOES IN THE FORBIDDEN POOL!"
"I'll see to it that his mattress is to his liking," Satchel replied.
Fruitbat grinned. "Good, we wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable. He has generously given us a lovely weapon."
He and Satchel paused. There was a little clink from behind the heavy door. Creepster Fruitbat kicked the door sharply. There was a clatter that sounded as if someone was scrambling away from the door, dragging heavy chains with them.
The two men continued walking down the hallway. Satchel turned to Creepster.
"She was listening to us," he said quietly.
"Perfect." Creepster grinned, he looked at Satchel. "That'll be all tonight Private, off with you."
Satchel nodded and walked away, feeling slightly uncomfortable. What had just happened?
...
Ginny: What are we gonna do with this plant?
Aggie: I'll do it!
Ginny: Do what...?
*Aggie tosses plant out window.*
Plant: Ayeeeeeee!
Moolie: Did that plant just scream?
Donald: HarooooO!
Translation: To be continued...