Cas didn't say anything the next day or the day after that. Sam was being pushy with him in an attempt to be kind. He kept asking Cas how he was feeling and if he was hungry. Cas just looked at the window of the Impala or simply answered by shrugging or nodding. Sam frowned every time he was met with the silent treatment.
"Hey Cas," Sam tried again after breakfast.
"Just leave him alone, will you?" Dean barked and ignored how both Sam and Cas flinched. Cas wrapped an arm around his middle and stared out of the window silently.
What did he want? What was he going to do? The djinn had managed to fix his people skills slightly. He could probably go out and live by himself a bit more easily than the last time he was homeless. The only problem was that he was terrified and didn't really want to abandon Sam and Dean.
Cas didn't say anything for the whole ride back to the bunker. Sam and Dean took turns guarding him during the night at the motel rooms while the other brother slept in another room. It was okay when it was Sam, but he couldn't close his eyes when Dean was sleeping peacefully on the next bed. The longing in his heart was unbearable. He kept wanting to stand up and just lay down next to him. He just wanted to look at him and nothing else.
Dean slept like he wanted to hold someone in his arms, like was waiting for someone to fill up the space between his arms. Dean always settled closer to edge of the bed in order to leave enough space for someone else. Cas ached to be what Dean wanted. It was some cruel joke to see Dean at arm's reach while being unable to approach him. It was a sight that tortured him endlessly every night, to know that he could fill that space.
Cas was constantly distant. He expected Dean to just break and shout at him for at least fifteen minutes about how he needed to "snap out it" like the time when he was stuck in the mental hospital. This silent treatment was even worse. Dean never attempted to hold a conversation, only barking out small things that could be answered without words. The djinn would have been all over him by now and asking what was wrong again and again until Cas stopped being stubborn and snapped at him with the truth.
He was glad to be back at the bunker where he could shut himself in his room without anyone bothering him.
Cas was crying in the middle of the night, his body trembling with the effort to contain his sobs. Nobody cared that he was broken, nobody would miss him if he died because he was just useless and a pathetic excuse of a human being who only learned how to finally be human from a freaking djinn.
Cas wanted to scream, but he couldn't because he knew it would worry Sam and Dean and he didn't want to bother them with his issues. He almost felt like laughing, he was crying in the middle of the night and still wanted to please the brothers. All Cas wanted to do was to go away and find a hole to crawl into, but Sam and Dean would somehow see it as an offense to their hospitality.
Why he hated himself so much, he didn't understand. It was horrible, but at the same time the hatred stopped him from actually feeling anything besides the self-loathing that ached in his chest. He didn't have the energy to do anything but cry silently. It was even worse because he did it to keep Sam and Dean from hearing him.
It was ironic how he couldn't be angry with them. He wanted to hate them. It wasn't their fault, but at the same time it was. How could he feel so lonely and worthless when he was surrounded by people that claimed that they needed him? He had his doubts about what the brothers really thought about him. Did they keep really want him in the bunker or did they did they let him stay out of pity?
Cas took a deep breath and held his pillow tightly. The pain wasn't quite "pain", he felt a heaviness in his chest that threatened to burst out. He felt it growing in his abdomen and attempting to burn his eyes. He hated it, and wanted to get rid of it.
He passed out around 2 am from pure exhaustion.
Cas woke up feeling even worse. He took a shower before going out to see Sam and Dean having breakfast. His eyes were still swollen and irritated when he said good morning to them. Sam choked on his coffee when he realized it was the first thing Cas had said in days. Dean smiled and stood up.
"Hey buddy!" He slapped his shoulder affectionately and Cas flinched slightly. "I was about to make some breakfast." A total lie, he wasn't planning on eating anything, but he wanted Cas to be healthy. Cas turned around and looked at him like he always did, with his blue eyes almost eating him alive. "I was planning on making some French toasts and I-" He stopped and frowned when Cas visibly flinched.
The first thing he had learned to cook in the dream had been a French toast, and it also had been the last thing he ate in the dream.
"Cas?" Dean placed a hand on his shoulders and was about to place the other one on his cheek when Cas backed off suddenly.
Cas stared at the floor and was shaking his head and muttering "no, no, no" over and over again. He walked backwards until he hit the kitchen counter.
"Cas... take a deep breath." Dean slowly approached Cas, but he just freaked out even more when Dean placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Shut up Dean!" Cas snapped before he started hyperventilating. His heart was beating hard and he found it difficult to be able to breathe properly.
"Excuse me?" Dean asked harshly. He backed off and raised an eyebrow in shock. Sam took over and held Cas by the shoulders.
"Cas, it's me: Sam." Cas looked up at him, Sam smiled reassuringly "it's okay, Cas. It's okay."
"No, it's not." Cas whispered and started to relax slowly. He was still breathing hard a couple of minutes later, but it no longer could be called hyperventilating.
Dean, feeling powerless, watched them from a safe distance with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Of course he wanted to help Cas, but he didn't want his help. His only job was to take care of those around him and he always sucked it at it. Dean glared, without really realizing that he was doing it, and looked at Sam gently rubbing Cas' arms. He murmured something and Cas just stared back at him. Dean couldn't take it, he wanted to help.
It's pretty clear that Cas doesn't need him at all anymore. If he ever did.
"Cas?" Dean asked gently, unable to stay away. Cas raised his chin and looked at him. He was slightly flustered and his eyes were watery. "Are you okay?" He attempted to keep his tone as non-threatening as possible but perhaps Cas sensed his unease or saw his anxious stance because he ran away clumsily and pushed past Dean until he was in his room.
Cas slammed his door shut and leaned against the door. He took a deep breath and slowly lowered himself to the floor. He wasn't sure about what just happened. His body had just overreacted and entered some sort of panic mode.
"All over some stupid French toast..." Cas muttered self-deprecatingly. "This is so out of character of me." He whispered to himself. "I'm even talking to myself..." He laughed instead of crying because it would serve him no purpose.
He looked up at the ceiling with a grimace and accidentally hit the back of his head with a loud thud against the door. The ceiling was certainly just a dull white, not a bright white, not a shaded white like someone had added some faint gray streaks to add to the mood. He turned his attention to the lamp on his bedside that he had forgotten to turn off in the morning. Its yellow light didn't cascade gently in lazy cords that looked like they were almost palpable. It was funny really, how dull things were outside of dreams, how he could focus on small details and not forget them in a moment. He remembered every step he took since the moment of his awakening.
His mind was clear and the items looked dull.
Despite finding comfort in the normality of simple objects and colors, it took him a week to stop himself from feeling too anxious around Dean Winchester. He started by silently sharing space with him, just sitting in the same room while they ate. Trying his best not to focus on his gorgeous lips and trying not to remember how they felt in his dream.
Dean was constantly angry with him for some reason, but he couldn't seem to be able to ask why. He had asked Sam when they were alone and Sam had just responded with "I think we all need time to adjust." Cas, of course, had frowned in confusion.
He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was some chicken just begging to be cooked. He had left it marinating in the morning and he was itching to do something. During the dream he had received several cooking classes from the djinn, but right now he used cooking books and YouTube to do stuff. Sometimes he failed miserably and sometimes he didn't. His food usually looked ugly, but it tasted great according to the brothers.
Chicken was easy to do, he was making an Asian dish that he had found on YouTube. He heard someone entering the kitchen, but he seriously didn't want to fuck it up and so he didn't turn around. He frowned at the thought of learning to use curse words on a daily basis thanks to the djinn.
Cas yelped when he felt a hand on his lower back and a chin resting on his shoulder. Dean was standing next to him and looking down at the chicken with curiosity.
"Hey what are you making?" Dean asked nonchalantly, "smells good." He took a step back and walked to the fridge to grab himself a beer. Dean failed to notice Cas' discomfort. He raised an eyebrow when saw Cas gripping the handle until his knuckles turned white. "Hey, you okay?" He asked in a soft tone.
Dean slowly approached him with a beer in hand. Cas felt Dean's hand squeeze his shoulder in a reassuring manner. He could feel the heat from his hand. It was a reassuring weight that he had missed. Cas knew it selfish to bask in the feeling and so he jerked his shoulder away from him so hard he almost dropped the food.
"I'm fine! Leave alone!" Cas snapped. Dean took it as a personal insult and glared at Cas.
"FINE!" He shouted before he took off.
Cas took a deep shuddering breath and swallowed his emotions deep within himself. He finished lunch and called Sam who called Dean. Lunch was really quiet with both Dean and Cas glaring at their food.
"Cas, this is great!" Sam complimented him trying to ignore the tense aura in the room. Sam elbowed Dean and gave him a look. Cas knew what that look meant and kept himself from rolling his eyes.
"Hmm..." Dean grumbled, "It's good." He said grumpily.
"Thanks." Cas smiled at them, but they both knew that it was a fake smile. None of them spoke afterwards.
"Depression." Cas whispered to himself. He had Googled his symptoms. Cas was surprised and slightly afraid of such an outcome. He glared at the laptop and shut it off.
Cas was also afraid of Dean. He didn't want to ask him for help, it felt wrong. Dean had taken care of so many people. He had given up parts of himself every time he did so and Cas couldn't do that to Dean.
He couldn't ask for one small part of him, because he wanted everything. He wanted every smile, every frown, and every mood swing Dean could possibly have. He wanted the ugly things too, because he knew they made Dean's soul shine the brightest.
Cas woke up early the next day and made pancakes for the brothers. There was a constant lump in the throat feeling that made him gasp and choke on his words. He was mostly silent because of this.
"Good morning." Sam smiled at Cas and raised his eyebrows at the pancakes sitting on a plate. "You made these?"
"Good morning, Sam." Cas smiled. "Yes, I prepared them myself." He knew he was feeling flustered, but ignored his feelings to flip the pancake on the frying pan.
Sam grinned. "Woah!" Sam immediately helped Cas to set the table and fishing the syrup out of the fridge.
Cas felt so good. He was finally doing something good again. Usefulness outside the dream had seemed so impossible to achieve. Cas decided that today was going to be a good day and nobody would change that. Not even-
"Dean." Sam called his brother who was walking with his eyes closed and yesterday's clothes. He was missing a sock and his hair was wild and spiky. Sam laughed when Dean grunted his response.
"Good morning." Cas was grateful that his throat hadn't decided to swallow his words. It had been a long time since he had seen Dean like this. All hungover and messy. It sent a chill through his spinal cord that he identified as fear mixed with anxiety.
Dean groaned at him and Cas chuckled despite everything else. Dean sighed and moved to the coffee machine. Cas finished with the pancakes and stacked them all up in a tower. He turned to Dean and caught a glimpse of some sort of bruise near his collarbone. It looked like a scratch mark and his brain had instantly panicked with worry.
"Dean, what's that on your collarbone?" Cas asked with innocence.
Cas tilted his head and wanted to take a better look, but Dean reacted by waving his arms around like a martial artist and almost hitting Cas in the process. Cas shrugged and went over to the table where Sam was waiting for him like a kid. Sam had even served him some coffee and orange juice in a gesture of thankfulness. Cas placed the pancakes on the middle of the table and sat down.
"Thanks Sam." Cas thanked him for the help and took a sip from his coffee. Sam smiled and placed a couple of pancakes on his own plate.
"How can you both be so annoying in the morning?" Dean grunted as he sat down next to Sam.
Sam couldn't wait to swallow his food before answering happily. "Cas made pancakes, Dean." It was obvious that Sam was really content with his pancakes. He swallowed his food and moaned. "Cas cooks, Dean!" Sam gave him a look and studied Dean's neck. "Is that a scratch?" He asked with a disgusted tone. Cas stopped smiling all of the sudden and waited for Dean to respond.
"You should see my back, dude." Dean grinned and winked at him. "This chick was really into it, man." Dean grinned at the ceiling and sighed with content. "I probably bled a bit but I can't remember anymore." He shrugged. "Going out tonight to see if I can find her again back at the bar."
"What happened to love 'em and leave 'em?" Sam asked with a frown. He looked at Cas to gauge his reaction. Cas kept eating robotically and seeped on his coffee like it was a task and not something he wanted to be doing.
"Shut up." He shrugged. "Sometimes one go 's not enough, Sammy."
Cas started shoving food into his mouth rapidly.
"You are disgusting." Sam shook his head in disgust and avoided his eyes. He saw how anxious Cas was feeling. How he didn't look proud of himself anymore. Cas looked like he wanted to run away and never come back instead of picking at his food and gulping down his coffee like a man in a dessert.
"Bitch." Dean insulted with his eyes closed.
"Jerk." Sam shoved some food into his mouth
"Bye." Cas stood up as fast as he could and got rid of his plates and leftovers. Dean raised an eyebrow. "I-uhh was planning on taking a hike." Cas shrugged nonchalantly and mentally patted himself in the back for the lie. Sam gave him a sad look. "I read in a book that you can ward an entire forests with just five well placed sigils." He smiled tentatively at them, but his hand was shaking and his smile was tight lipped. Cas ran off before any of them could say anything.
"He is acting weird." Dean grunted out and grabbed a pancake with his bare hand and took a bite.
"Yeah..." Sam looked down at his own pancakes. He wasn't that hungry anymore.
Sam pushed away his food and looked at Dean with a sad look. He knew why he was acting like such a douchebag. The anniversary of their mother's death was next week and Dean always started drinking a week before.
"We gotta do something about him." Sam muttered under his breath.
"And do what, Sam?" Dean snapped, the hangover made his voice sound even more aggressive than ever and Sam would have probably flinched if he wasn't already used to it. "It's not like he is letting me help out."
"You could talk to him, you know? Lord knows I've tried and you barely even acknowledge his presence." Sam's eyes were filled with the sadness he felt for Cas. He just felt like such a damned idiot for being the cause of Cas' suffering. He knew how much Cas hated life. He knew what Cas wanted and why Cas didn't end his existence. The djinn hadn't only given Cas social skills, it had also gifted Sam with an insight about what Cas loved the most.
"So, you think a heart to heart with me is going to solve all his fucking problems!" Dean shouted. "I'm not good for him, Sam. I'm bad news." Dean shook his head and glared at Sam with tired eyes and a sweaty face. He didn't realize what he just said out loud, nor did he see Sam's eyes widening in surprise. "My job is to protect you two. That's the only thing I'm fucking good at and he doesn't want me to help. So why should I try? He likes you best, Sammy."
"Dean, that's not-"
"Whatever Sam." Dean stood up and grabbed his keys from where they sat on the table. He didn't even remember leaving them there last night. "I'm going out."
"Dean..."
"Leave me alone."