So it has been like forever since an update. I am really sorry :D please review it helps me get these out quicker

Enjoy :D

We had been walking for a bit. It wasn't necessarily peaceful. There was this underlying tension and I hated that it was there. Once we came to a clearing off the beaten path I heard Spencer say "Here, let's stop now and just rest."

I was glad to have the time to just sit. But I was also nervous…this would be the time that I couldn't escape saying how I was actually feeling. "Sure, sure"

I watch as her eyes slowly focus on what seems like every object around us. She settles on each one giving it a moment of thought. Then before I can process what is happening it is me that those eyes are on. And it is me that she is asking "Ash why were you in that church?"

I give myself a moment to craft a response. And before I say it I know it probably won't satisfy her curiosity. "The windows were pretty and I thought that the inside might look just as nice"

"Please don't do this…not anymore" And as she said this she just sounded tired and disappointed. I was scared that she might be angry with me but this, this is worse than anger.

"Do what" sometimes pretending not to know what is going on is the best possible solution. Because maybe if something isn't acknowledged it isn't real.

She's picking at the grass beneath us and I can practically see the wheels in her head turning. "Try and make jokes, while bottling all your feelings up. It doesn't help me, it doesn't help you at all and I know that it doesn't help our relationship. And don't try to play dumb Ashley it doesn't work for you". The last bit had such an edge that was so unlike Spencer that is was shocking.

"I'm sorry" It's a simple phrase and it's not enough but that's all that weakly comes out from my lips.

Don't be. I should be sorry for pushing you" And that is where she is wrong. She should never ever be sorry for anything that she has done to me…because all of it has helped.

"It's all good"

"Well I'm good. Are you...I don't think so." The last few word were almost a whisper as she looked up to meet my eyes. I don't think that I like those words very much.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know just. How are you?"

"I'm alright I guess…I can deal. Why wouldn't I be fine."

She sighs before responding. She sounds tired, like we say this sort of thing to each other every day "Because you hold everything in and you never show how you actually feel. So I can never be sure."

And even though I like her so much and I know she is right I feel the need to defend myself in some sort of way. "I don't do it with everything. I just have a hard time talking about certain things."

"I know you do, but eventually you will be able to talk about those things to" she takes my hand and gives me a sly grin "hopefully with me."

I chuckle a little at her excited expression loving the way it makes her eyes shine "Maybe. I just feel like there are certain subjects that should never be brought up. They just make things weird."

"Weird is ok"

"Sometimes it is but other times it can cause trouble and tension. I hate when that sort of thing happens."

"You worry too much…you need to relax"

"I can't relax, not right now. Not with everything that is going on."

"It makes me sad when you don't tell me what's bothering you Ash. I hate seeing you upset because it's like there is absolutely nothing I can do." The look on her face is heartbreaking. Her eyes are cast downwards and they are a cloudy blue. She is playing with her hands and a small frown has taken place of the jubilant smile that was there mere seconds before.

So I said the first thing that I thought could make this right. For once I just told her how I felt. "My mom is going to hate me when she finds out"

"She won't hate you Ash I mean it may take some time for her to adjust to the idea but she could never hate you. She is still your mother and you; well you are still her daughter."

"Yeah, but now I would be her gay daughter. Her disgusting gay daughter. Who won't grow up and get married to some great doctor and have tons of grand children for her. I am going to be her gay daughter that she can't believe she ever loved. It's always on my mind you know. I just hate this feeling. Everyday my mom asks about boys and I just lie. I lie right to her face. And she smiles and laughs and I just pretend. I pretend to be someone I'm not. I always have to make sure that I don't slip up and mention something that she can't hear. I'm always afraid around her."

She sort of shrugs and looks around then says so casually "Maybe you should just tell her then."

"Are you crazy?" I believe I have asked her this before but she just gives me so many pieces of evidence to support the idea.

And then it happened. She doesn't reply with her usual sarcastic comment. We don't get into the usual playful banter. Her intense eyes bore right into mine. And her tone takes on an eerie quality "What are you so afraid of?"

"I've already told you." I thought I had explained myself very well actually.

But she doesn't accept my answer, not this time. "Tell me again."

"No I don-"

She sounds angry, no she sounds more than angry and I can tell all this has been brewing for the past few weeks, all these emotions. "Say it; tell me why you are so afraid. Tell me the reason why you go home every day and lie to your mother about who you are and what you do. Tell me Ashley. Tell me what frightens you this much." She just jumped right over a line that should never be crossed.

So I get up and prepare myself for what I'm about to say. I can feel her eyes trained on me as she observes from her spot on the ground. Finally I decide to just let it all out. Because I am tired too…tired of always trying to act like everything is under control. "You don't get it do you? My mother means everything to me. She has always been there for me, every single step of the way. Whenever I would stay up crying all night after Katie left me she was there. She would hug me and comfort me and tell me how much she loved me. I never told her why I was up all those nights crying and she never asked, she never asked once but she was always there. And if I tell her this it would break her heart. It would break her heart and in the end it would break mine too. Because my mother, the one person who was always there for me, wouldn't love me anymore, not like she used to, she wouldn't be there anymore. You should hear what she says about gay people and I laugh along but inside…inside it's like I'm crying all over again. No matter how bad it feels to keep it from her I could never tell her because it would feel worse for her to be gone. Because I need somebody to stand by me and if my mother knew, I would be alone. I can change….at least I can try." I turn my back to her and suddenly I just need space. I need to be away from her because now she knows exactly what's going on in my head and that just can't be good.

I can hear as she slowly gets up and makes her way towards me, but I don't turn around. I can feel her gently lay her hand on my hip but I won't turn around. And as she starts to speak I can feel her warm breath tickling my neck but I can't turn around. "Your mother loves you and no matter what you tell her she will always love you. You're her daughter no matter what sexuality you are you are still her daughter. There are so many more sides to you then just being gay Ashley. You have so many other beautiful qualities and really being gay is just adding to the list. It may take your mother time to get used to it….she might cry, she might scream, she might shout. Imagine how long it took for you to know and accept that you were gay…she needs that time too. But she will always be there."

I let out a frustrated sigh and shake my head "You wouldn't know Spencer. You wouldn't understand. But it doesn't matter. I will find a way to make this right." And maybe she didn't deserve that comment but by that point I really didn't care.

I can feel her hand slowly apply more pressure to my hip and I can almost sense how tense she has gotten. The annoyance in her voice is impossible to look over and her breath is suddenly harsh against the back of my neck. "Make what right Ash? How? News flash you are gay. You are a lesbian, you like girls. And no matter how much you may hate it and want to change it for whatever reason you can't. So stop it. Stop trying to change who you are."

And when I do finally turn around the look in her eyes confuses me. I wanted to sound strong to sound so sure but when something did finally come out of my mouth it only sounded sad, sad and broken. "What if who I am isn't acceptable?"

She took a moment to take in the surroundings, and then gaze into my eyes for what seemed like eternity. She then came in real close. The scent that reminds you of home, and peace, and just laying down and watching the stars, the scent that is Spencer filled my senses. Her breath hit me like a warm breeze. She then laid a light kiss on my cheek, lingering a few moments before slowly pulling away. "That's the thing Ashley, who you are is so much more than acceptable. It's fascinating, shocking, and it's wonderful...you are so wonderful. And god forbid something does happen between you and your mother you won't be alone." Her hands slowly find their way around mine giving them a comforting squeeze as she continues "I'll always be there Ash. I'll be there during all your ups and downs. I'll be there to listen to you laugh and I promise I will be there to hold you when you cry. Because I know that if anything ever happened I could count on you to do the same. So don't worry, you will never be alone. Neither of us will because we will have each other."

Pleas review and tell me what you think. Should I keep the story going? You tell me.