SILENT HEIST

10 DECEMBER SUNDAY

Way past one and feeling alright.

The chaps were sitting around their massive project, The Map. It was big. Big and packed with runes. Runes and dots with names on them, most of which didn't currently move about so much.

Although it wasn't finished, it was already obeying verbal commands. It was as good as ready to use.

"Mischief Managed."

That was James turning The Map into a blank roll of A4 parchment. Looking at it, even in its blank state, made the chaps feel a bit... solemn.

"Ok who has the nicest handwriting?" Sirius asked.

"That would be me!" said James, whipping out a very fancy looking goose quill. "This is a fancy-writing quill! It makes writing look neat and fancy! Watch!"

James found a bit of scrap paper and wrote: Arse cheese. The quill made it look very neat and joint. This was the writing of a mature adult, and not of a twelve year old chap who still laughed at 'arse cheese'.

"So write something on it!" said Sirius. "Write: Map of Hogwarts."

"Map of Hogwarts? This is not just a map of Hogwarts! This is more than a mere map of Hogwarts!"

" 'Not just a mere map of Hogwarts! A map of Hogwarts- and more!' "

"What about: Magic Map?"

"Lots of maps are called that."

" 'The ORIGINAL Magic Map!' "

The chaps threw some more suggestions out there: More Than a Mere Magical Map of Hogwarts. Mysterious Map. Map of Marvels. None of them clicked, yet they found themselves not only stuck on the allitteration, but also on the letter M. Sirius summoned a dictionary as well as a tin of jammie dodgers.

"Ok stop me if you hear a word you like. Macabre. Macadam. Macaroni. Macaroon. Macaw-"

"Maybe skip the obviously irrelevant ones?" James thought.

"Ok. Oh! Machiavellian! That goes in my mental maybe pile."

"Not in mine."
"Machinate: to plot with evil purpose. I like it! Machismo? We're macho!"

"You must be painting your nails with glitter testosterone!"

"You know it! Mad. Madcap. Made- because it was made, by us. Magic. Magisterial. Magnamininniminity. Magnesia. Magnificent! Magniloqueloquient. Majestic! Malapropism."

"What's that?"

"I think it's when you insert something in the wrong hole. Male. We are male."

"Male Map?"

"Maledictory. Malefactor."

"Our magnet is called The Malefactor's Magnet."

"Malevolent. Malpheasant. Malfeces. Malicious. Malign. Malodorous. Man- what we are going to be one day!"

"We are going to be a man?"

"Maniac. Manual. Manuscript. Many-sided. Map. Maraud. Marble. Mare's nest."

"This is going to take forever! I have gone word-dumb!"

"Marmoset."

James took the dictionary and biscuit tin from Sirius and put the dictionary down.

"I am just going to shut my eyes and see where my finger lands, ok? Hmmmm!" Toc. "Marauder. Like Marauder Max, Captain Meat-Hook's nephew who's a sound engineer and ship's cook."

"I've always liked Marauder Max better than Captain Meat-Hook. One time when he was filling in for Meaty because he had the scurvy, he played American Pie! All 8 minutes of it!"

"And Meaty only ever plays the short version! "I play what I want!" Indeed!"
The Marauder's Map. It was such a thought-provoking name, inviting countless interpretations. Just like true art did! James wrote it on the blank parchment with his fancy quill and it looked so impressive, so elegant, so sophisticated! To think that, only some weeks ago, they had started to lose hope of ever getting to this point.

"Remember when we were still running around with that tapeworm?" Sirius reminisced. "We came up with all these signature names..."

"Oh yeah," James recalled, "So many, too!"

"What names were they?" Remus asked.

"Uhm... Roger. Keith. Like, what would we name our kids..."

"I thought you said signature names."

"It's cockney rhyming slang."

"Coming to think of it, I think I dreamt all that," said Sirius, scratching his head.

"I remember it, too!" said Peter.

"You must have been running around with that tapeworm without me, then," Remus reasoned.

"We never ran around with that tapeworm without you, I don't think," said Sirius.
"Then maybe it was when you counted all that silver."

"Except for that one time we did."

"How did it go anyway?"

"Fine. Now I remember! We were measuring the Divination Tower because we know you don't like things that are round and shimmering."

"I meant, how did it go with the silver? You said you found all this pirate silver and you had to count it all. You must remember. You spent months counting all that silver. The revenant pirate kidnapped your cat and messaged you with newspaper letter cut-outs. You showed it to me and everything. I see you got Antoinette back."

"Marie. That's Netty over there."

"Have you finished counting the silver now?"

"Yeah we've finished counting it now."

"How much was it?"

"It was crazy lots. That's why it took so long to count it."

"I can't even count to a hundred without skipping numbers," said James.

"How come you didn't just weigh all the coins, and divided it by the weight of one coin?" Remus asked.

"Mick. George. All rubbish names. For signatures I mean. Look there simply weren't big enough scales!"

"Barky," Sirius recalled. "Thorny."

Remus lit up. "Tree names!"

"Those were two but we actually had a lot more."

"Tree names! I'm loving that! Because this is vegan parchment, made from free-range trees!"

"Those were our thoughts exactly. Tree names, because it's paper. But now we think trees are too mainstream."

"Shame. Beechy. Leafy. Twiggy."

"Twiggy is good." The turn came for Sirius to light up. "I just came up with the perfect tree name for you!"

"What is it?"

"Fir-y!"

Sirius laughed and Remus lost all interest.

"Maybe not tree names then."

"Why not?"

Because now James and Sirius really were keen on tree names!

But it was way past late, and really time for bed.