Here and Now

Connor Rhodes struggles with life choices, his career, parenting and broken relationships. But one thing is for sure, he will never be like his father.

I own nothing.

Heads up guys! There's lots of fluff and angst in this chapter. We'll ll know more about Hannah's mom.

CH 10

If you had asked Sarah if she thought her year would have started like this she would have said it was a distant dream.

She had received a text from Connor during her day off. Meghan would have Hannah for the day and he was picking her up.

Sarah smiled as soon as his Jeep parked in front of her building.

She had buzzed him up, realizing this would be the first time he'd be up there.

Sarah suddenly became self conscious of the mess that her apartment as it seemed to reflect on her current life. She'd thought Phycology would be the answer to avoid pathology and quickly became more than she had bargained for.

There was a slight knock on the door as she scrambled the mess away.

It took her a moment to open the door.

"Hi." Connor said with a smile. She had to take a moment to look at him. He wore a navy blue jacket and dark pants. Mostly he looked like a model.

"Hey…sorry it took me..." he kissed her. It was quick but quite surprising.

"I thought you were going to regret having me up here."

"I've barely been here." Sarah said catching her breath as Connor wondered around the main the room. He opened the fridge and peaked inside.

"We have to go shopping I can't have to starve."

"Its fine." Sarah said. "I'm not much of a cook anyway."

"That can be easily fixed. I can teach you."

"Ah, enchiladas?"

"Among other things." Connor said. "Come on, let's go."

"Just like that?" Sarah said groaning. "We could just go somewhere."

"We cloud." Conor moved to kiss her again. "Your wishes are my commands."

"I like that." Sarah admitted. "I could get used to that." She broke the kiss much to Connor's disappointment.

"So... Shall we?" He asked her again. Sarah figured he was excited for some much needed grownup time. She sighed but offered him her hand, walking hand in hand to the nearest store was something Sarah didn't mind at all.

Back in her apartment, Connor, who'd gone overboard with the shopping helped her put the groceries away. "When will I ever eat all of this?"

"It's not just for you." Connor smiled. "Gives me a very good excuse to come over more often."

"What about Hannah?" Sarah found herself asking. It wasn't something they could avoid.

"Sugar." Connor said waving the small box of donuts. "That's the key."

"I'm serious Connor." Sarah said stopping with her task of putting the milk in the fridge. "I want her to like me."

"She loves you Sarah." He said quickly. "Probably more than me."

"Okay, first of all..." Sarah walked over to him. "That's not possible, she adores you, and secondly. I'm not just Dr. Reese, Daddy's friend from work, anymore."

"No, you definitely are not." Connor mused bitting his lip. "You're... my girlfriend?"

"It's like been a week, I'm not sure I want to label it just yet, Specially since we work together." She said. Connor huffed.

"Well, that...Everyone at work, dates each other. That's kind of how the system works." He mused.

"So, now we're part of the system?" She arched an eyebrow. She couldn't really win.

"No. We don't have to be." He admitted. Sarah remained thoughtful for a moment. "Okay, come here, breakfast can wait a little longer."

"Connor... you're avoiding." She said.

"I am not, come here." He said again reaching for her hand. He pulled her over to the couch. "Let's just make things clear for a minute here Sarah, you're too important to me to just be a thing from work, do you understand?"

She nodded as he put a hand between hers. "Right now I want to enjoy that's just us and not my obligations or work looming over. "

"Okay, but they're there Connor, specially Hannah. She's..."

"My biggest challenge but also my biggest fan, really Sarah, you don't have to worry, alright?"

But she did worry... she worried about what people at work might think and what Hannah might think.

"Look at me Reese." She heard him say, ever since that kiss he had not once called her Reese, not like that anyway, at work it was Dr. Reese or Sarah. "Look at me."

She avoided him until he pulled her chin to make her face him. "I want this to work."

"I do too." She admitted as he brushed their noses together and pulled her closer. "But I just feel like if we didn't.."

"So, you're already giving up on this?" Connor asked. He sounded hurt.

"No, of course not but with everything that's going on I just don't want to make anything harder than it needs to be."

By everything she meant his looming battle with his father over Hannah, a few days back he'd received a citation from his father's lawyer and his demeanor had changed.

And Claire, who'd he seemed to have worked his differences with lately hadn't been there to intervene. He had called it routinely or their sibling relationship.

"Don't do this Reese, right now you're the only thing making sense in my life. You and my kid, that's all that matters."

"Yeah but..." And he kissed her again. Ever since that first kiss in the first few seconds of the New Year, Connor had seemed insatiable about kissing her, mostly to shut her up from overthinking everything like she did.

He tried to gain access to her mouth but she kept resisting. "Connor, I thought we were talking."

"We were." He said against her lips. "But right now I can think of better things to do. " Sarah closed her eyes as the battle against his kisses seemed to be losing ground. She felt herself being pushed into the soft fabric of the couch as Connor kept going until oxygen was finally a necessity.

She could feel his weight against her as she ran her fingers trough his dark hair and he moved to her collarbone. "Connor..."

"Hmmm..."

"I'm hating myself for this but..." She cursed herself as he stopped. "I'm hungry..." He looked up at her and smiled, climbing a bit up for a quick kiss, Sarah suddenly felt the shift as he stood up towards the kitchen.

She couldn't believe she just did that.

He made her breakfast and they ate in her unused kitchen island. Sarah made a mental note to make sure to eat more at home if it meant to have Connor Rhodes cook for her.

"So about Hannah," he said as he placed the dishes on the sink. "We can tell her whenever you're ready."

Sarah remained silent, truth be told she had a lot to live up to it seemed as Robin had left a huge hole in her heart by her abrupt departure.

"So, it's not the other way around?" She asked.

"I don't know, you're the expert you tell me." He smiled.

Sarah smiled back but her mind didn't stop drilling into her emotions and insecurities.

"Sarah," Connor told her sweetly. "Please don't worry. Come on, I want to take you somewhere else."

"Oh?"

"Trust me." He said firmly. And so she did.

He took her to the park. The one near his house, in which she knew he spent most of his free time playing with his daughter.

"I love this park. It's just such a peaceful place you know? Back in Mexico my friend Marco and I used to walk his dog down a few blocks to a place just like this one, although he always said he was jealous of my American greens." Connor said as they sat on a bench.

"Where's your friend Marco now?" Sarah asked.

"Saving the world probably. He went on with Doctors without Borders."

Sarah smiled. "You never talk about Mexico or anything before returning to Chicago." Sarah said. Connor turned to look at her, sadness was written in his face.

"Yeah, I… it's not something I'm proud of." He said.

"What?" Sarah blinked. "Leaving Chicago?"

"No, that's something I'm glad I did." Connor admitted. "I lived… I understood a lot of things about life that I wouldn't have had if I had decided to stay. To work for my father."

Sarah expected him to continue. "Something that I'm not proud off is closing off to people. My mother used to do that and it didn't help her at all. She didn't trust people, my father made sure of that."

"It wasn't your fault Connor, what happened to her." Sarah said taking his hand in hers.

"No, maybe not. But I should have done something." He said bitterly.

"You were just a kid." Sarah turned to face him, taking his chin under her finger. "And it might sound cruel but losing your mother made you the amazing doctor you are today. Wanting to save people others said couldn't be saved. That's part of who you are."

Connor smiled. He leaned to kiss her. "And who are you Sarah Reese?"

"Someone that cares about you to much too leave you dwelling on the past." She told him firmly. "Trust me. I know."

"You care?" He asked cheekily. "How much?"

"A lot and that can be quite dangerous." She told him in all seriousness.

"Why?"

"Because I might just be getting myself way over my head." Sarah admitted.

"Are you talking about Hannah? I'm not asking anything from you Sarah. Hannah's dealt with my relationships before, sadly she's used to them not working out." Connor said as he closed his eyes at her touch as he brushed his cheek with her cold hand.

"Look who's talking about giving up now." Sarah told him.

"I don't have the best track record." Connor admitted. "And my kid gets dragged into the drama most times…. Well always."

"It doesn't have to be that way Connor." She told him. "I'm willing to try if you are."

"Of course." He told her. "But if we are trying there's something you should know."

His gaze turned grim. "Hannah's mom, she was the one person who made me my most destructive self." Sarah held her breath. "She and I knew each other growing up. Elite high School and all, she was friends with Claire and would occasionally flirt with me."

"What happened?"

"She went looking for me when I was living in the US temporarily after my residency. " Connor ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I cared about her but she had always been a Daddy's girl and I knew her coming to look for me was just an excuse to get back at her father. Yet I let her in." Connor looked at Sarah. If he wanted this to work he would have to be honest. "We had an on and off relationship for years, whenever I came back and then years ago she showed up and we had this dance we did for a few months and she told she was pregnant."

Sarah didn't dare to speak. "By that time she was way too messed up to take care of herself and I promised her I would but she didn't want anything to do with a baby so she wanted to have an abortion but I told her I would take care of everything if she had the baby and gave it up for adoption."

"But you couldn't?" Sarah said finally. "Go through with it?"

"No, at first I was all for adoption. It would be a mess if I got enrolled in a scandal of that magnitude but I kept my first part of the promise. I took care of her for almost 7 months and she was getting worse by the second. A part of me was still hopeful she was taking care of herself because she cared for that baby and then I finally understood she just cared about the money. The thing that had destroyed her in the first place was the only thing to matter to her. She was 7 and a half months pregnant when she showed up again at my doorstep in labor."

"Hannah was a premie?" Sarah asked in shock. That's probably not what she should be asking but she honestly didn't have the heart to inquire about his ex.

"Yeah. She's always been a fighter,I tried to get her mother to agree and hold her but she still didn't want anything to do with her, not at first. Hannah had to spend a few months in the NICU so I came and went as much as I could, having seconds thoughts about the adoption since the first time I looked at her."

"You don't have to tell me anymore Connor." Sarah said as she could listen to the pain in his voice. "I understand."

"No, I.. I want to." He said with a smile. "So Lily didn't want anything to do with Hannah even though she had her right there. I tried to make her understand that even though she was going trough an adoption she would still need to see her. Get some closure."

Sarah realized this was the first time she'd heard the name of Hannah's mom. "So did she?"

Connor laughed bitterly. "She did, took her from the hospital and forgot all about the adoption. There was something about that baby that just made her want to be better. It did the trick for me too. But we lived together only for a little while. Then she got an apartment." Connor took a deep breath. "How did I end up with Hannah then you ask?" Connor bit his lip. "In the end, Hannah's being there didn't do as well as I hoped. Lily started getting around with the wrong crowds and of course her family as of no help so she came looking for me, I've already been living back in Chicago for almost a year. Ever since I found out about the baby, anyway Lily was kind of a mess after Hannah was born, falling to her old ways and craving for more than she should so she offered to sell me our baby."

Sarah winced. "Of course I refused and instead told her I would get her the help she needed. I tried to get her to a Center and promised to pay for it so her family wouldn't have to be involved."

"Connor…"

"She cleaned me out of everything I had one night but the thing I did find in the crack of dawn was a sleeping baby in a blanket and a note, apparently she'd preferred what my money had to offer instead of trying to get better and making a life with her child." Connor finished as he stood up and watched a kid chase after his dog.

"Where is she now?" Was all Sarah had mustered to say.

"She died about 3 years ago. Before I came back to Chicago." Connor said after a moment as she stood by his side. "She was driving drunk. All of her friends survived but her, I guess what makes it even worse for me is that maybe I didn't push her enough to get help you know?"

"I'm so sorry Connor." Sarah said trying to fighting off the tears. "I don't even know what to say."

"Hey, what are you doing?" He turned to her, his thumb on his cheek. "You don't get to cry for that, I've already done that for the both of us. I've already felt sorry for myself."

"It's not that I just…" Sarah laughed nervously. "Does Hannah know?"

"Yeah, she'd been asking so I had to tell her the truth, that she's an angel just like the one that belonged to my mother and is on the Christmas tree. "

Sarah leaned her mouth over to his cheek. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." He said.

"Why did you tell me all of this?" It was an honest question. Sarah honestly questioned why he'd been so open to her. She'd known him for a while and in the span of a month had found that more about him than she was sure most people would never find out.

"Because I care about you." He said sweetly kissing her hand. "Probably more than I have ever cared about someone in a long time."

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