Ally waited until Jack had gone for a walk with Charlie to sit down at the kitchen table with her purse and get her cell out. Normally she'd call her own healthcare provider, but for the sake of anonymity she searched online for the name of a pregnancy centre and made the call. The clerk picked up with a cheery North Los Angeles Pregnancy Center, You're through to Carly, How may I help you? and checking all around her to make sure she was alone Ally swallowed the constriction in her throat.
"Hello, hi," she said, speaking quietly into the phone, "I need to see a doctor please."
"Okay, let me—"
"Do you have anything today?" she pre-empted.
"Well," the clerk went on hesitantly, "we got a cancellation—"
"I'll take it."
There was a pause. "Can you be here for eleven?"
She checked the time. It was just after nine thirty. "I'll be there."
"And your name?"
She paused, hesitating, then closed her eyes as she said, "Allison Campana."
As soon as she hung up, she let out a deep breath, then sent Ramon a text. Doc appt today 11am. U free to come with?
His reply was almost instantaneous. Sure
I'll pick you up from yours
She smiled on getting a smiley and hug emoji back and put her phone away. She hoped Jack and Charlie were back before she needed to leave, but if not she'd leave him a note, explaining she'd gone to see her father. Quickly, she finished tidying breakfast away, then she made the bed, got dressed in non-descript clothes and tied her hair back in a ponytail. When she went to open the garage, she found Jackson there, rag in hand as crouched down he tinkered with his motorcycle. Charlie lay on the driveway, bathing in a ray of sunlight.
"Oh," she said, her hand rising to her chest in surprise, "I didn't think you were back."
He looked up and over his shoulder toward her, but didn't meet her gaze fully.
"I told Dad I'd go around this morning," she went on, dropping a hand to his shoulder. "Is it okay if I take the truck? Do you need it?"
Jackson slowly swivelled on his heels, looking over toward the truck parked alongside the bike. "You can take it. It's fine."
"You're not scheduled to see Dr Cummings, are you?"
"Not today."
She nodded, paused. "You okay?"
"Sure," he said, his tone of voice belying his answer, adding as finally he met her gaze dead on, "Why? Shouldn't I be?"
Worried he would read her like an open book, she flashed him a quick, awkward smile. "I won't be long."
He turned back toward the bike. "It's okay. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
His cold demeanour gave her pause. "We could...take a walk down to the creek when I get back if you want," she said, touching her hand to his shoulder uncertainly.
He seemed to relax. "Yeah. Sure."
Smiling, she bent down to kiss his cheek, then opened the pickup door and slung her purse onto the passenger seat. Looking back over her shoulder, she climbed into the cab, pulled the door shut and moved the seat forward. The key was already in the ignition and she turned it, the truck firing up first time. She adjusted the rear view mirror, looked over to Jack who was watching her. His smile was sad, and she returned it a little warily.
"I love you," she mouthed, her smile broadening, and watched as the wary lines on his face softened with affection.
She put the truck in reverse and making sure Charlie had moved out of the way backed out of the open garage. When she turned to wave at Jack, he was gone. With a heavy heart and a deep frown on her face, she changed gear and set off. She'd get this appointment out of the way and then make it up to him when she got back. Ramon must have been looking out for her because he came out of the door of his apartment building before she'd even put the truck in park.
"So where to?" he asked, getting in.
"Some place in North Los Angeles."
He gave a forlorn nod. She could tell he disapproved of the fact that he was going with her and not Jackson, but she was grateful for his support. If he knew the extent of how vulnerable Jack's mental health was right then, he'd probably think like her too. Twenty minutes and a few wrong turns later, she pulled into the busy car lot of the Pregnancy Center and parked a little ways away from the entrance. Cutting the engine, she took a deep breath in. Only then did she think to take her wedding ring off, doing so hesitantly and with a pang of sadness.
"Ready?" Ramon asked.
"As I'll ever be."
Ramon paused. "You know you don't have to do this, right? Not like this. Not with me. It feels…wrong, somehow. Like we're betraying him."
"I know." She reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze, managed a smile. "Thank you for coming with me."
He gave an easy shrug. "Where else would I be?"
Ally checked in, opting to pay cash upfront, and they took a seat in the waiting room. Most of the people – mainly much younger women than her, some with their mothers but all without partners it would seem – didn't look up as she and Ramon walked in, and those who did, did so without a flicker of recognition. As they waited, a knot of anxiety she recognised as fear and guilt formed in the pit of her stomach.
Guilt at being careless enough to fall pregnant in the first place, but also at the fact that she was here now without Jack's knowledge. She'd lied to him this morning when she'd told him she was visiting her father, and the last time she'd done that it had been with catastrophic consequences. Shifting on the hard plastic seat, she wrung her hands together nervously and smiled a little awkwardly when she caught Ramon watching her.
"I don't know why you're so nervous," he said. "It's not like you don't already know what he'll say. Unless of course, you think three pregnancy tests could be wrong?"
"It's a she," Ally replied, and Ramon rolled his eyes.
Ten minutes later, and she and Ramon were sitting opposite Dr Stanislas. Without preamble, Ally unzipped her purse and took out the three home pregnancy tests she'd done, dumping the packages containing the sticks onto the desk.
"They're all positive," she said.
Dr Stanislas looked at the packages over the top of her glasses and laughed. "Then congratulations," she said, her eyes flicking back up to Ally and then to Ramon without a hint of malice, and Ally felt a wave of relief at the fact that her identity was still secret.
"I'm not the father," Ramon said, with an uneasy laugh. "I'm just here for moral support."
"So what do I do?" Ally asked, dispensing with the pleasantries.
Dr Stanislas turned back to her. "Well, normally we'd do a urine test, but as you've already done three…" Smiling broadly, she let her words trail. "How late are you?"
"Five days?"
Dr Stanislas raised a brow. "So almost five weeks' pregnant." She stood up and moved behind a screened area. "Normally I'd check for changes in your cervix and uterus, but it's still a little early for an internal examination to be conclusive."
Ramon pulled a face in disgust and Ally smiled.
"So, what we'll do instead," Dr Stanislas went on, "is have a blood test done. Is this your first pregnancy?"
Ally gave Ramon a long sideways glance. "Yes," she lied.
Ramon frowned, but didn't otherwise comment. The doctor returned, then took Ally's medical history, asking questions about lifestyle choices regarding her eating, drinking and smoking habits as well as physical exercise. Afterwards, they moved behind the screen and she checked Ally's weight, took her blood pressure before setting about taking blood from her.
"The results should be ready by tomorrow morning," she went on, putting an adhesive bandage over the small puncture wound. "Call the office then. But with three positive home tests, I think it's safe to say you are pregnant."
Ally nodded.
"Are you taking a folate supplement?" she then asked, as Ally resumed her seat next to Ramon.
"No."
"Then you should start straightaway."
Ally glanced at Ramon who was nodding his head enthusiastically at the doctor's words.
"You should take folate supplements at least for the first twelve weeks," Dr Stanislas went on, and she refocused. "It helps prevent birth defects of your baby's brain and spinal cord."
Ramon's phone rang, startling Ally. Looking sheepish, he pulled it out of his pocket, then cast a quick, puzzled look toward Ally as he checked the caller's name on the display before swiftly sending the call to voicemail. Without meeting Ally's enquiring eyes, he muted the phone and slipped it back in his pocket.
"Sorry," he said, flashing an uneasy smile at the doctor.
"We can start a babycare plan when we get the definitive results," Dr Stanislas went on, refocusing Ally, "but until then do you have any questions?"
Ally opened her mouth, then stole a glance at Ramon. "What if…what are the options if…" Again, she looked at Ramon, finishing in a small, pained voice, "If I decided not to keep the baby?"
"Wow," Ramon said, his eyes snapping to Ally, wide with shock. "What? Ally, what the hell?"
Ally turned to look at Ramon, her eyes sad and seeking forgiveness, the tears she'd kept at bay all this time finally spilling when she glimpsed disappointment and dismay on her best friend's face.
"Let's wait for the results to come back," Dr Stanislas said in a calm but authoritative voice, and blinking at her tears Ally slowly turned her attention back to her. "Give yourself some time to get used to the idea. We can look at all the possibilities during your next appointment."
Nodding, Ally pushed to her feet, and Ramon belatedly followed suit. "Is that it?" he asked, his eyes flicking between Ally and the doctor uncertainly.
"For the time being, yes," Dr Stanislas replied calmly.
"You're not going to talk her out—"
Ally nudged Ramon's side, stopping him short. "Not now, Ramon," she said. "Please."
Clamping his mouth shut, Ramon looked at the doctor one last time before turning on his heels and storming out of the room, leaving the door open behind him.
"Should I…dispose of these?" the doctor asked, motioning toward the desk.
Lowering her gaze to the pregnancy tests, Ally nodded her head. Then she thanked the doctor and knowing she was in for a rough ride home exited the building rather forlornly. The sun was bright, dazzling, and immediately she slipped her sunglasses and ball cap back on before joining Ramon at the truck where he was restlessly pacing back and forth. She unlocked the truck and they got in.
"You're not a fucking kid anymore," he said, his voice shaking with anger despite how quiet it was, and she knew he was referring back to their conversation at the barbecue when she told him she'd been pregnant before. "You're a thirty-two – almost thirty-three – year-old woman. Your situation's changed now. You got a career. You got money. You're married to a guy that adores you."
Tears sprung to her eyes. "I'm scared, Ramon," she defended heatedly. "I'm terrified, okay?"
"Then all the more fucking reasons to tell Jack. He's going to find out anyway."
"Not if I choose not to have the baby."
"But why the fuck would you want to do that?" he asked again, his disbelief and incomprehension evident. "And please don't say Jack again. Don't pin this down on him when I know it's about you!"
Ramon's voice had been steadily rising, shocking Ally in his intensity. He was usually so laidback, so supportive of her choices. In all the years they'd known each other, she'd never seen him so…incensed, and certainly not at her. "You're right," she said, trying to keep calm and reasonable. "It's not just Jack. It's me too. The album's just out. I'm not even done promoting it yet. It's not a good time for anybody." Even to her ears, her argument sounded feeble, unconvincing, but facing up to the truth at this point was beyond her.
Ramon pointed a shaky finger at her. "That's bullshit and you know it," he spat angrily. "Your album, your career, it's important for sure, but not more important than your marriage and your love for Jackson. How many times have you told me that, huh? How many fucking times?"
Unwilling to answer, Ally turned her face away.
"Ally, you love kids," he tried again, his voice softer now.
Still, she remained silent.
Ramon's head was shaking. "I don't get it, Ally. I know you want kids. Hell, I know you want Jack's kids." He gave a sad laugh. "You were telling me about Jack's musician friend's kids and how sweet they were."
Ally opened her mouth, but she was out of arguments and all that came out was a long sigh and a weak apology.
"Don't apologise to me," he snapped, then he took a breath, checking himself. "Ally, I'm not saying it's going to be easy," he tried again, his tone earnest now. "But you must tell him. Let him get used to the possibility with you. Let him share—"
She gave her head a shake. "I can't take the risk."
She tried to put the key in the ignition but her hands were shaking so much that she couldn't. Ramon's phone vibrated, and she watched as he got it out of his pocket, checking the screen before sending the call to voicemail. "That's the third time Jack's called," he said, turning toward her as finally she started the engine. "He knows something's up, I know it. Why else would he call me?"
With a sigh, she started up the truck and drove away. Ramon stared at his phone, clearly debating with himself whether he should call Jack back or not before he eventually put it away.
"Is it okay if I drop you at my Dad's," she said, as they left North Los Angeles, "I'm not feeling too good."
"Whatever," he said impatiently, his gaze steadfast on the road ahead.
The rest of the ride to her father's house was silent, the atmosphere thick with reproach.
"You got to tell him," he tried again, but more calmly now, when they neared her old neighbourhood. "Whatever you decide, you've got to decide together. It's not fucking fair otherwise." His eyes lowered hesitantly before he brought them back up to her face. "I'm your friend, Ally. Your best friend. I would do anything for you, you know that, and I'll stand by you whatever happens. But if you don't tell him—"
"Then what?" she challenged when he faltered.
He swallowed. "Then I will."
She gave a nod to say that she understood, then made the turn into her street. Immediately her eyes were drawn to her childhood home and Jackson's motorcycle parked up behind her father's car. Oh, God, she thought, her heart sinking at the thought that he'd found out she'd lied to him. What would she tell him? What could she tell him to explain? Another lie?
"Isn't that Jack's Harley?" Ramon asked, frowning with confusion, as she pulled the truck up behind it.
Ally gave a stiff nod. No sooner had she cut the engine than the front door to her father's house burst open and Jackson stormed out. His expression was dark and confrontational, as he strode purposefully over to the truck, her father rushing forlornly behind, vainly calling after him. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest.
"I think that's my cue," Ramon said, looking at her as he opened the truck door.
Before she could reply, Jackson wrenched the door out of Ramon's hand. "I open my house to you," he gritted, grabbing Ramon by the collar with both hands and yanking him out of the cab, "and this is how you repay me?"
A look of terror filled Ramon's face. Holding his hands out to his side, he threw a helpless look at Ally, who was rushing around the hood.
"Jack, please," she said, grabbing him by the shoulders and gently pulling him off Ramon. "Jack," she tried again, more forcefully, when he held on fast. "Please, let him go. It's not his fault."
"Whose fault is it then?" Jackson snarled, keeping a hold on Ramon as he whirled around toward her.
"You've got to tell him, Ally," Ramon said.
Jack froze. "Tell me what?" Wide eyes flicked between Ally and Ramon furiously, then back to Ally. "Tell me what?" he shouted again. "I'm your fucking husband, Ally. Didn't the vows we took mean anything to you?"
"They did, Jack," she said, tears welling. "They mean everything. You mean everything."
"We promised no secrets," he went on in a growl of despair. "We promised for better for worse."
"Jack, please," she tried, pulling on his arms so he would release Ramon. "Let Ramon go."
A dog barked nearby, and Lorenzo came forward. "Jackson, let's not do this here. I'm sure Ally's got a good explanation." She felt her father's dark eyes on her, but ashamed by the affray she was causing she didn't look at him. "Please, let's get inside the house."
"Jack please," she reiterated softly. "People are watching."
"Let them fucking watch," he snapped, still seething with anger and hostility. "You worried about your reputation, is that it?"
"No, Jack," she bit back. "I'm worried about yours."
Her words took the wind out of his sails. He seemed to check himself, finally releasing the hold he had on Ramon. As he stared at her, she saw his gaze turn from fiery and fuming to beseeching and broken. "Ally, please," he said, crying now, "You got to tell me. Not knowing is killing me." He paused to catch his breath. "It's fucking killing me inside."
"Ramon, please, go," she asked pleadingly, her tears falling. "Dad, you too please." She took a step closer to Jack, then another, and when she saw that he wasn't backing away wrapped her arms around him, holding on to him protectively as she would a child. "Please, go inside."
"Are you sick?" Jack asked, pulling himself out of her grasp as soon as the door had shut on her father and Ramon. "Is that it?"
Shock registered on her face. "Sick?" she repeated, staring at him with bafflement. "No, Jack. I'm not sick."
Holding his head in his hands, he began to rock on the spot. "Because I'm thinking the worst, you know—"
"Oh, my God, Jack," she said, talking over him.
"—because that's where my fucking thoughts take me every single time—"
"Jack!" She grabbed his arm, but he yanked it free.
"And I'm thinking cancer, you know," he went on, talking as if in a trance, "or something equally as devastating." He dropped his hands, lifting a tear-filled face to her. "Why else wouldn't you tell me you were going to the doctor's?"
Only now fully realising what she'd put him through, Ally opened her mouth, only to shut it despondently. "I'm not sick," she repeated quietly, managing a trembling smile as she reached for him. "I'm not sick."
"You're not sick?" he repeated with disbelief.
"No," she said, her head shaking softly.
He stared at her at length, then nodding to himself went to sit down at the kerb near his motorcycle. "But this morning—" He gave his head a shake, as if trying to clear the fog in his mind, then rubbed a heavy hand to his face, and placing a comforting hand on his back she sat down beside him. "You've been so distracted lately, almost distant at times, secretive. Sad," he went on glumly, looking pained and uncomprehending. "And when I found out about your appointment today I—"
Her nod was slow and understanding. "You thought the worst." Smiling sadly, she stroked her hand to his face tenderly. "I'm not sick, okay?"
"Okay," he repeated, finally mustering a smile.
"How did you find out?" she ventured after a moment of sitting in companionable silence side by side. "Ramon?"
He shook his head. "I heard you talking on the phone this morning."
She dropped her hand from his back. "But I thought—"
"You thought what? That I was out of the way?"
She averted her eyes shamefully. "I'm sorry."
He scoffed. "Sorry for what? Sorry that I found out?" His haunted look returned, and he gave a pitiful cry. "You couldn't even use your fucking name, Ally. My fucking name."
Her shoulders sagged. "I didn't want people to make the connection," she defended quietly. "And for it to be all over social media."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said, giving a sad snigger. "I get it. You were only trying to protect me. Poor Jackson Maine, the fuckup." Frowning, he stopped dead in his tracks. "For what to be all over social media?" he asked, turning questioning eyes toward her.
"The reason why I went to see a doctor." Knowing she had no choice but to tell him now, she took in a deep steadying breath. She looked over her shoulder, saw her father watching from the window and swallowed. Turning back to Jackson watching her expectantly, she opened her mouth, but no sound came out.
"Even now, you can't trust me with…this. Whatever this is." With a sad laugh and shake of the head, he put his hands on the ground by his sides and pushed himself up to his feet. She watched powerlessly as he turned his back on her and walked away without a backward glance.
"Jack!" she called, scrambling to her feet and going after him. "Jack!" She caught him by the arm, and he stopped in his tracks. "Where are you going?"
"Where's your ring?" he asked suddenly, his eyes flicking from the hand on his arm to her face.
Startling, Ally's gaze dropped to her bare ring finger. "It's in my purse in the truck," she said, looking back up to his face. Seeing the look of disbelief and abject misery in his face broke her heart. "It's not what you think," she defended weakly.
"Then tell me what to fucking think!" he shouted, pushing past her.
He'd explained to her that his head was like a pressure cooker, with thoughts building up inside it like steam until he felt like it would explode. She realised then that this time she was the only one who could release the pressure for him, that he wouldn't – couldn't – win the battle unless she told him the truth.
"I'm pregnant," she called breathlessly.
He stopped dead in his tracks.
She caught up with him, repeating quietly, "I'm pregnant. That's why I went to see the doctor this morning."
"Pregnant?" he echoed, whipping his body around. His eyes had lit up, shining with wonder now, rather than misery.
Registering a look of surprise at his reaction, she gave a soft nod.
The corners of his eyes crinkled up as his smile grew wider. He opened his mouth, only to shut it again. "A baby?"
Smiling now, she gave another nod.
"My baby?" His eyes filled suddenly. "I'm going to be a Daddy?"
She swallowed the constriction in her throat. "Yes," she croaked out.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he exclaimed joyfully. Laughing, he took her in his arms and swept her off her feet, twirling her in the air until his body stiffened and he put her back down abruptly. The look of awe and amazement lingered on his face briefly before the light in his eyes went out completely. Ally looked away, but it was too late. "You weren't going to tell me, were you?" His words came out as a bitter, disbelieving whisper.
"Jack—"
"Didn't you think I'd find out eventually?" The heartbreak in his voice pierced right through her heart. She swallowed, and watched as all the pieces of the puzzle fell in place for him and realisation dawned in his eyes. His expression shifted suddenly, twisting in sorrow as he stared at her with utter disbelief. "Oh, no, Ally, no," he murmured, squeezing his eyes shut as if the pain was too much. "You don't want to keep it, do you?"
She opened her mouth, ready to deny the accusation but found that she couldn't. "Jack, please," she said instead, holding out a trembling hand to him. "This is hard for me too."
He scrunched his eyes tighter shut. "I can't—I can't…" He folded his arms over his head, as if trying to protect himself, as if trying to keep the thoughts in his head from taking over.
"Jack, please, listen to me," she tried again, reaching for his hand, but he pushed her away.
"Why would you want a drunk, fucked-up loser like me as the father of your child, huh?" he then said, the corner of his lip curling up in a snarl. The happy tears that had filled his eyes moments ago fell down miserably. Turning away, he walked off back the way they'd come toward her father's house.
"Jack!" she called after him. "Don't walk away please. Let me explain. We need to talk about this."
"Talk?" he repeated with disbelief, whipping around toward her. "Talk? A bit fucking late for that!"
"Jack—"
He raised an unsteady hand in her direction, cutting short her words. She made to go to him but the look of deep hurt and betrayal in his eyes stopped her. He lowered his eyes to the ground, then turned away and knowing that nothing she could say at that moment in time would make him feel better she let him go. She'd give him a little time and then she'd go after him and explain.
They would talk then.
She'd force herself to face her darkest fears.
She'd make herself tell him the whole truth.
The real reason why she couldn't keep the baby.