"You know what happens if I'm gay Frank? Or bi?" Gerard asked, sounding angry, and I didn't know if he was angry at me or himself or just the situation. I shook my head no.

"My dad loses his job," Gerard said, clenching his fists and dropping into the desk chair.

I was a little shocked, but I swallowed it. "Why didn't you tell me your dad was the pastor?" I asked, squeezing my hands together and then rubbing them on school pants. Then squeezing them together again.

"Figured you already knew… didn't think it was really important," Gerard said with a shrug.

"That's a bull shit answer," I said bluntly and he looked somewhat startled.

"Fine! Maybe I wanted to make a friend with someone without them thinking I was some kind of goodie two shoes pastor's kid, okay?" Gerard said.

"Says the kid with the red hair," I heaved a sigh as Gerard narrowed his eyes at me. "I didn't even know that Pastors could have families! Priests can't…"

"Pastors aren't fucking Catholic, Frank," Gerard suddenly snapped. I rolled my eyes, pretending that his shortness didn't hurt, and leaned back against the wall.

"Was Mikey right?" I asked, and Gerard eyed me carefully. "Do you still like me? …I don't know what I did wrong…" I admitted, staring down at the carpet.

"When you said 'what if we are gay?' all those losers heard was 'we're gay!' I've been denying since last year because I can't do that to my dad… If I keep denying then it isn't an issue," Gerard leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling.

"What would the church think if they knew you had the antichrist in your closet?" I asked.

"There's a reason he's in my closet," Gerard said, scowling. It was too perfect. I had to say it.

"There's a reason we are too," I said and it actually made Gerard grin. He grinned and then he started to laugh. I walked across his uber clean room and straddled him on his desk chair. I kissed him, because it felt right, and smiled when he kissed me back, wrapping his arms around my waist so I wouldn't fall off of the chair. We stayed like that for quite a while, until one of us pulled back for need oxygen. I don't remember which one of us it was. I stayed there and rested my forehead against Gerard's. He frowned before saying,

"I have a girlfriend now,"

And then I was gone. I don't mean simply mentally, I mean that I literally got off of Gerard and walked out of his house. In the closet I could deal with. But I couldn't deal with being Gerard's secret fuck buddy while he led on an innocent girl to save his reputation. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I don't condone cheating.

"Everything alright, Frank?" Pastor Don asked me on my way out.

I nodded, staring blankly and not making eye contact.

"You don't look so good, kiddo. You want me to call your grandma?" he asked, holding the back of his hand up to my forehead. I stepped away from him.

"I feel fine," I reassured him. "It's a short walk,"

I was finally out the door, this time not staring at the side walk but instead at the sky. It didn't look like rain the way it would have if my life were a movie. It was nice and sunny, laughing at me and telling me I had hours to deal with being conscious before I could sleep. Mocking me by telling me that my emotional agony meant nothing to the world. God couldn't have even blessed me with a rain cloud. As if I didn't deserve to be miserable.

Maybe I don't. After all, in a rational way of thinking I understand why Gerard has a girlfriend. If he's feigning straight then it would certainly help to have a cover. Maybe I should have asked who she was… no doubt one of the school girls. Whenever I heard some of the younger grade girls talking about their infatuation with the pastor's son, I never realized that they were talking about Gerard or Mikey… it bothered me that no one had told me over the past five weeks that Pastor Don was their dad. Pastor Don hadn't even told me when I asked him to look after Gerard. No wonder he laughed. He probably thought I was pathetic.

He was too nice to me.

I realized on my walk home that I probably hurt Gerard by walking out like that, and that only made me feel more and more like scum. I slinked into the house and found myself in the living room. Tiffany was playing with little pony toys, and I stood in the doorway watching her for a while.

She noticed me eventually.

"Can I play?" I asked. Fuck, why did I just ask that? Did I really want to spend my afternoon of emotional torture playing ponies with a seven year old?

"Daddy won't like it," she said, staring up at me with big eyes, but her face told me that she really wanted me to play. Seven year olds are easy to read. Maybe that's why Gerard likes teaching Sunday school so much. Kids aren't fake.

"I don't give a fuck," I said, kneeling down on the floor next to her.

"You said a bad word," she said, frowning slightly. "If Meme hears she'll wash your mouth out with soap, and if daddy hears…."

"You gonna tell on me?" I asked, not really giving a flying fuck whether I had my mouth washed out with soap or not. I was too numb to really care about anything. She shook her head no, that she wouldn't tell on me, and handed me the green pony, telling me it was a boy's color. I asked her if she liked the green one and she hesitated before saying that she was supposed to like girl colors. I sighed in defeat, slightly scared that Tiffany was going to be brainwashed past repair. She didn't really understand me when I told her she could like whatever kind of colors she wanted.

!

Bathroom stalls aren't a very good place for hyperventilating. Just saying.

Gerard has a girlfriend. I had kind of forgotten about it overnight, but when I got to school, there they were, a giant slap in the face. Gerard didn't look at me. He didn't make eye contact. He just sat there, holding Melanie's hand, and continued talking to her.

Then she kissed him on the cheek, and I thought I was going to be sick. That's why I'm in the bathroom stall, struggling to breathe horrible smelling air and losing my mind.

Lunch was awkward, because Gerard, Mikey, Melanie, and I all sat at our table. Mikey didn't say anything because he was Mikey and he was too busy with his iPod full of spongebob porn and his green jello cup. Call me crazy, but I think that he seemed even more distant that usual. He shot me a single glance that looked sympathetic and I faked a smile for him. We both knew what we were trying to say without words.

Gerard is an asshole.

Melanie talked the entire time. About everything. About lip gloss and her mom's insurance business and her Chihuahua puppy. I accidently smiled when she talked about the puppy, but come on. It's a fucking puppy. Who doesn't like puppies!? I don't think Gerard was particularly interested in what she was saying, but he did his best to act like it. He slipped a few times though. I don't think Melanie caught it. She was too busy sucking the oxygen out of the room.

She asked me if I was actually a queer like everyone said.

I responded by asking her if unicorns used their horns for butt sex.

…Gerard and Melanie didn't sit with us the next day at lunch.

I still have Gerard for art class, and he's trying his best to make it fun but I'm still mad at him. Technically I'm the one who's being an asshole now for not getting over it yet, but I can't. I just can't do it. Maybe I'm the most pissed about the time he decided to tell me that he had a girlfriend. Right in the fucking middle of our make out session. Just… DUDE! COME ON!

So Mikey listened to his iPod and didn't draw, I failed miserably at drawing a rabbit while ignoring Gerard, and Gerard finally gave up at trying to talk to me and started drawing in silence. I hate it. I hate everything.

!

Three days have passed since I've last spoken to Gerard. Fuck my life, we're signed up for acolyting together. I had the decency to say 'hey' today, and he said it back. He didn't make faces at me from across the altar this time. In fact, he looked really sad.

"What's wrong with Gerard?" I asked Mikey after church.

"Did you ask him?" he actually took out an ear phone to talk to me. Wow, I feel special.

"We aren't exactly on speaking terms," I said, and Mikey rolled his eyes.

"He doesn't teach Sunday school anymore. They gave his class to Mrs. Candreva," Mikey said, frowning, but then gave a shrug as if to say 'who give a fuck.'

"They replaced him!? But he-,"

"I know…"

"That's not fair,"

"Is anything?"

!

Announcing the high school dance! Semi-formal. Next weekend.

Gerard's going with his girlfriend, and I'm going with Mikey. Not like a date, just like dudes. Just to have someone to hang out with. It was his idea. I didn't want to go, but he said that if he had to I had to. Fair enough. Wasn't going to let him suffer alone.

I told Grandma about it and she's making me wear Uncle Clark's old suit jacket. It's baby blue…

Pardon me while I barf!

Heaven help me.