Wow. For a minute there, it was almost like I had a regular posting schedule. Crazy, right?
…Okay, sorry. Here is another glorious chapter for my good friends who I don't know.
And look, it's the tenth chapter! As celebration, I'll…uh…keep writing, I guess.
And there was much rejoicing.
When last we left Harry and Ron, they were trying to find their way in the town of Forks. Meanwhile, something rather baffling is taking place at Hogwarts.
Ginny: You kept the recap surprisingly short this time.
DarkLordKardos: Yeah, I know. I'm pretty proud of myself.
Ginny: You should be.
DarkLordKardos: Really?
Ginny: No. Think up a damn plan already.
DarkLordKardos: I told you, I have no idea! We can't Apparate there; she's put a shit-ton of counterspells and shit around it.
Ginny: You just said "shit" twice in the same sentence.
DarkLordKardos: So? You swear all the time.
Ginny: Yes, but I'm good at it.
DarkLordKardos: …I don't follow.
Ginny: You can't just use the same swear word over and over again. Cussing is an art. It takes skill, finesse…balance.
DarkLordKardos: I'm the one writing you right now, and you're managing to creep me out. That takes skill. Although not really finesse. Or balance. Gotta be a little unbalanced, I suppose…
Ginny: Anyway, you should have said something more like "We can't f---ing Apparate there, the bitch put a shitload of counterspells and other tomf---ery around that hellhole. Shit! "
DarkLordKardos:…Wow. I think you may have just blown out the censors.
Ginny: We have censors?
DarkLordKardos: Hm. You may have a point.
Ginny: …Son of a whore!
DarkLordKardos: Er…wasn't that a little unnecessary?
Ginny: Nah, that one was for me.
DarkLordKardos: Ah.
Ginny: You're the son of a whore.
DarkLordKardos: I got that.
Ginny: Just checking.
DarkLordKardos: Anyway, I am indeed completely out of ideas for what to do.
Ginny: No! You?
DarkLordKardos: Yes. Believe it or not.
Ginny: Oh, I believe it.
DarkLordKardos: Shut up. Do you have a brilliant plan you'd like to share with the class?
Ginny: Er…
DarkLordKardos: Come on, spit it out. We're on a short schedule here. Or maybe you don't actually have a plan!
Ginny: I, uh…
Mysterious Dramatic Voice: No, she doesn't.
Ginny: Oh dear, another Mysterious Dramatic Voice. Whoever could it be this time? Snape, mayhaps?
Snape: Damn it, vile woman! You ruin everything!
Ginny: I try. And who are you calling vile?
Snape: You.
Ginny: Wow, I didn't actually expect you to own up to that. Good job. Your sliminess is decreasing already.
Snape: Really?
Ginny: No.
DarkLordKardos: You love doing that to people.
Ginny: Yes I do.
Snape: Anyway, the reason I dramatically stayed un-revealed until the opportune dramatic moment was because I am in fact able to help you.
Ginny: Really?
Snape: No! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
DarkLordKardos: (claps his hands) Hey. Snape. Over here. As I said before, we're on kind of a tight schedule here. If you can help us at all, now would be a good time to explain how you plan on doing it.
Snape: Fine! To my office!
(Meanwhile, back in Forks…)
Ron: Ooh, look, Harry! Civilization!
Harry: Civilization? Where?
Ron: Over there!
(He points over a hill to a small town)
Harry: Wow! Civilization! I am surprised
Disgruntled Forks Resident: I'm also surprised.
Ron: Really? You can join our surprise party! Celebrating out return…to Civilization!
Disgruntled Forks Resident: Actually, I was surprised that you knew what that word even meant.
Harry: Why are you even here?
Disgruntled Forks Resident: This is Forks. I live here. If I didn't, do you think I would be called Disgruntled Forks Resident?
Ron: I don't know. I thought that was your name.
Disgruntled Forks Resident: Well, it's not.
Ron: What is your name?
Disgruntled Forks Resident: Well I used to have one, before the author deemed it unimportant.
Harry: Good thing he's trapped back at Hogwarts, where he can't hear you.
Ron: But didn't he pop up a few hours ago?
Harry: God damn it, I don't know! I don't write this crap. The author does that. And no, I'm not really sure how that works with him trapped back at Hogwarts.
Ron: Wow, that was just what I was going to ask! You must be psychic, Harry.
Harry: Yes, of course I am.
(Disgruntled Forks Resident sighs wearily)
Disgruntled Forks Resident: Do what you will with the town, just leave my bloody house
alone.
Ron: We'll try!
Disgruntled Forks Resident: I suppose that should be comforting.
Ron: Not really.
Disgruntled Forks Resident: Didn't think so. (starts walking back to civilization)
Ron: Let's follow him in a sneaky and ninja-like manner!
Harry: Good idea.
Disgruntled Forks Resident: I heard that!
Ron: Oh, we know!
Harry: Just humor him.
Disgruntled Forks Resident: No! (runs away)
Ron: Well so much for that idea.
Harry: How about the next time you try to be sneaky and ninja-like, you actually try to be at least somewhat sneaky and ninja-like?
Ron: I…I don't understand the question.
Harry: Screw this. Into Forks we go.
(Forks they into go. No…wait. They go into Forks. Yes. God damn these puppets, I need a new job.)
Stephenie Meyer: Yes…Perfect…In no time at all they will be within my grasp.
Emmett: Didn't we do this already?
Stephenie Meyer: I suppose we did. I mean, NO. Of course not. S—
Emmett: --ilence, simple creation, it is all part of the plan, blah blah blah, yes.
Stephenie Meyer: I think I may have written latent psychic abilities into you on mistake. Perhaps you are less simple of a creation than I first surmised.
Emmett: In a sad existence like mine, I will take that as a compliment.
Stephenie Meyer: Good idea. Simple creation.
Emmett: Gah. Is your mysterious secret weapon, ace-in-the-whole type person at work yet?
Stephenie Meyer: No, but he should be in no time.
Emmett: I thought you said it was a "she" the first time.
Stephenie Meyer: I…er…No, I didn't. Actually, wait, I did…yes you're right, it's a she.
Emmett: You sure? Because I really wouldn't want to misunderstand your grand evil plan.
Stephenie Meyer: No, I'm sure about it this time. It's a he.
Emmett: But you just said…
Stephenie Meyer: Stop blabbering, simple creation! It's unattractive. You'll never win millions of teenage female acolytes that way.
Emmett: I'm not trying to. I believe that's Edward's job.
Stephenie Meyer: Ah, yes. Well, stop blabbering anyway.
Emmett: Is it a he or a she?
Stephenie Meyer: Neither. There are two.
Emmett:…You just made that up to make yourself look better, didn't you.
Stephenie Meyer: Yes. Now leave me alone. I have to go find a second secret weapon.
Emmett: Of course. Talk to you later, I'm guessing.
Stephenie Meyer: Bet on it…
Emmett:…wait for it…
Stephenie Meyer:…simple creation.
Emmett: Yep. Goddammit, I didn't want to be right that time. (leaves)
Stephenie Meyer: MUAHAHAHAHAHA…oh wait, I actually have work to do. Guess I better get on that.
Emmett: Maybe.
Stephenie Meyer: Go away!
Emmett: Gone.
(To be continued…)