Spam Cabinet of Spamfics Chapter 10: Nabiki still has her Scrooge face on, a ranma fanfic

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

Warning: if you're easily offended by fan made things, then how did you get this far? Seriously. How? Are you a masochist? O_o

Spam: is sold by the can. Or 4cans in one. Although it is small, it isn't really -chan. Except maybe in Japan.

You have been warned.

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On the 10th day of spammas my spam spam spam spam: Nabiki still got her Scrooge face on

'I know that sound! I know that sound!' Nabiki's thoughts raced. 'But that's… If he…'

The sounds stopped.

Nabiki ran outside and her jaw dropped. "It's… It can't…"

Out there on the white snow was a box. Made for police. Blue in color, or was it colour?

Out stepped a man, dressed quite fancy. Alone was he. All bitter and… Sweary.

"Fu£kity hi," The Doctor greeted, arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

Nabiki blinked and glanced up at the words that froze in the air, for it was that cold. "'£'? And what is with that narration…? Never mind, you can't really be him. Nope. Nuh uh. No way they'd let YOU past the censors."

"Shows what you know, bloody fu£king Japanese dog," The Doctor snarled.

Nabiki sweatdropped and that sweat froze in a flash. "What. The. Hell? I finally meet you and not only are you crazy old, you're swearing! The Doctor can't swear!"

"In a way I'm not. But in this universe I can do it all I like! Bah!" The Doctor stepped forward. "Come on, let's get this over with."

"Wait, so you're… Christmas Present?" Nabiki's eye twitched.

"For the year of 2014 anyway, my lost '80s teenage girl." The Doctor shuddered as he glanced around. "Fu£king universe and its no-good, slimy floating timeline. Can't get its bloody act in order."

"Wait, wait, wait. Timeline floating?" Nabiki blinked, a giant question mark appearing over her head.

"We fu£king time traveled, yes!" The Doctor answered.

"Stop swearing! You're always getting this… Thing!" Nabiki pointed to the £ sign. "You get censored here! So stop it! It's driving my head crazy and you… YOU are not the real Doctor. You can't be!"

The Doctor sighed. "At times like this I miss Amy…"

"Well, I miss growing up!" Nabiki yelled. "So if you really are who you say you are, screw the rules because duh, Doctor, fix it!"

"Can't. Won't." The Doctor shook his head. "Never mind it and let's get this bloody thing over with."

"No. Nuh uh." Nabiki shook her head. "I don't care who you are or what species you didn't destroy by cheating, you fix this universe now! NOW! I ORDER YOU TO-"

*Slap*

Nabiki spun and fell to the snow, dazed.

"Fu£kity bye." The Doctor walked off.

Nabiki shook her head clear and sat up. "Hey! Wait up!"

She caught up to him as he was halfway down the street.

"Why are you… But you're… I… THE FUC-" Nabiki was cut off.

"Kill the additude or I'll be sending you to hell personally," The Doctor warned. "Now, look in here and tell me what you see."

Nabiki growled but looked in the window. "Nothing. It's dark."

"Exactly! It's Christmas Day, early morning. The sun hasn't come up yet. Did you expect little children frolicking and laughing?" The Doctor snorted.

"Actually…" Nabiki frowned.

"Well, it ain't happening here. Learn a lesson? No? Too bad! The universe doesn't revolve around you," The Doctor sneered.

"Hey!" Nabiki screamed. "You can't treat me like this! I DESERVE -"

*Whack*

Nabiki found herself on the snowy ground again, giant welt on the back of her head.

The Doctor shook his head. "Oh, have I not treated you well enough? Want special treatment, human?"

"Just because you Lord over Time doesn't mean you have to be such a jerk about it," Nabiki growled as she got back up. "Now apologize! Apologize for the swearing and the hitting and the being a terrible person!"

"Oh, is that right?" The Doctor smirked. "Call the kettle black one more time. I dare you. You've been treating others far worse than I have treated you today."

"YOU HIT ME!" Nabiki yelled.

"Aw, let me get out my smallest violin so I may play you a tune, that was so sad. If you were a nicer person I might actually feel sorry for you. But I don't. I honestly don't." The Doctor turned to leave. "Now excuse me. I have a Clara to save. Maybe. I'm a bit confused. Time is a wibbly wobbly fu£kity wuckity thing."

"Like you're any better. Killer of his own species." Nabiki glared at his back.

"Time loophole," The Doctor replied.

"Oh, that's just cheating!" Nabiki complained. "Now fix this time nonsense so I can age and not have to still be in high school! Did you get that? Huh?! Or are you too damn old with your old… Oldness?!"

*Wham*

Nabiki was in the snow again as The Doctor walked back to the blue police box.

"Stop hitting me! You can't hit me! I'm a girl!" Nabiki screamed.

"No. You're sexist." The Doctor opened up the door to his TARDIS.

"You're a worse Doctor than the Sixth," Nabiki insulted, crossing her arms and grumbling in the snow.

"Oh, that's it. You've pushed it too far!" The Doctor turned to face Nabiki. "No one insults The Doctor besides ME! The DOCTOR!"

{DOC-TOR!} a robotic voice cried out in the darkness.

"Oh, shit on me, life." The Doctor facepalmed.

Nabiki's eyes widened. "Is that…?"

{DOC-TOR! IT IS THE DOC-TOR IT IS! IT IS! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!} The Dalek came into view, screaming like mad.

"Oh, fu£k, it's a fu£king Dalek," The Doctor muttered.

{WHAT?!} the Dalek screamed.

"Doctor?!" Nabiki was shaking in fear.

"Oi! Get out of this universe!" The Doctor ordered. "This is supposed to be… This human's intervention on why she sucks so much. Shoo!"

"Hey!" Nabiki growled.

{BUT YOU ARE THE DOC-TOR! YOU MUST BE EXTERMINATED!} the Dalek screamed, shaking back and forth.

"Then bloody well do it already, you bucket of bolts!" The Doctor growled. "All these centuries of just yelling! Oi, the yelling! Just get on with it already! My ears, you hurt my ears with your no-good, fu£king yelling! What do you want me to do? Wave my screwdriver around? Scream like a little girl? Huh? Huh?!"

{EXTERMINATE!} the Dalek fired at Nabiki.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Nabiki screamed like she'd never screamed before in her life.

*ZAP*

Nabiki glowed and fell over. Dead.

"Oh, look what you've done now! The fu£k! Kiss my balls, you fat, slimy fu£k! How is she supposed to learn about the future and the all-important life lessons…? You ruined a lot, didn't you?" The Doctor ranted and got in the TARDIS.

And so, to the sound of piano wire, he was gone.

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Nabiki vaulted awake in a cold sweat, panting like mad.

"I… I'm alive. And watching TV? What…?" Nabiki shivered and got up, turning off the television. "What a messed-up dream."

She shook her head and went to bed.

"Who left my curtain open?" Nabiki grumbled and went to close it when she happened to look outside. "AHHHHH!"

Outside her window was a Dalek, and an imprint in the snow from where a big blue box had sat.

"NO, NO, NO!" Nabiki fell on her butt, eyes wide open in terror.

Suddenly her door flew open and The Doctor stood in the doorway.

"Oh, there you are." The Doctor frowned. "Run."

Before Nabiki could respond, he was gone.

"Wait for me!" Nabiki screamed and ran after him.

She chased after him, so terrified she risked peeing her pants. He led her out of the main house and into the dojo.

"WHAT?!" Nabiki's jaw dropped at seeing the TARDIS inside the dojo.

"Just get in and -" The Doctor was cut off.

{EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!} the Dalek demanded.

The Doctor smirked. "Want a bedtime story with your biscuts and tea? Or is being in this universe too complicated for your pathetic brain in a box? I'm a Time Lord, Dalek. I don't have to explain."

"Wait, so how am I alive?" Nabiki frowned. "You… And the swearing…"

"I'd never swear in front of a lady. An evil lady, yes, but still." The Doctor frowned again. "Memory is still not in order…"

Nabiki's eye twitched. "So that means… You didn't smack me? At all? Or… WHAT?!"

"Must have been some false memories. Or alternate memories. Time travel and all." The Doctor shrugged.

"Whoa…" Nabiki fell down again, dazed and confused.

{BUT WHY AM I IN 2D!?} the Dalek demanded. {EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!}

"No." The Doctor grabbed Nabiki and dragged her inside the TARDIS.

"Eeehhh?!" Nabiki sat there confused. "Is this still a dream? What about the past?! WHY IS THERE A DALEK HERE?!"

"Because this is the present," The Doctor replied, as if that explained everything.

"And won't that not hold or…?" Nabiki grabbed her head.

"Ah, I see. Universe jumping and time overlapping…" The Doctor nodded. "Well, good luck with that whole 'becoming a better person' thing."

"EHHHH?!" Nabiki's eyes went blank.

Nabiki blinked and found herself looking out her window. Outside was nothing. No imprints. Nor Daleks. Nothing.

'That was just stupid.' Nabiki rubbed her head.

*Tap tap*

'Who dares tap me?!' Nabiki growled and turned around. "Oh, come ON!"

The Doctor was there, dressed as well as before, smiling. "Come. And know me better, woman."

"Oh, no. No. No. Nuh uh. Not after all that. Nope." Nabiki shook her head.

"What? Scared? Skittish? And miss out on Christmas?" The Doctor shook his head. "I don't bite. Just a new face. That's all."

Nabiki glanced back outside. "It's daytime already. This isn't a joke, right?"

"Christmas? A joke? I take my work very seriously." The Doctor frowned. "Twelfth Doctor, thirteenth new face! Well, fourteenth regeneration. I was a bit vain when I was younger. To be fair, I had that face for a decade at most, really."

"Screw this. I'm outta here." Nabiki left her room and went down the stairs to find everyone sitting around the table, laughing and cheering.

"Remember, you can't touch them," The Doctor reminded her.

"Hey!" Nabiki snapped. "What gives?!"

"See how happy they are without you?" The Doctor pointed out.

"This is supposed to be 'A Christmas Carol,' not 'It's a Wonderful Life'!" Nabiki yelled.

"Oh, but it's a fantastic plot." The Doctor nodded. "Besides, there isn't much singing, hmm?"

Nabiki shook her head. "No. Just felt like I lost a year of my life. Look! It's… It's 2014 now! I missed a whole year!"

"Yes, you have. Indeed." The Doctor nodded. "Most troubling. Well, you aren't aging, so that's a plus. Living forever is awesome, Nabiki. You and all the people you know have eternal life. Eternal youth. Most of them, anyway. And you can see me… Which is always a good thing, I'd say."

"But a whole year. Gone." Nabiki fell to her knees. "Fix it. Please!"

"Nope. Time's up. Come on." The Doctor grabbed Nabiki and left.

"Hey! Hey, wait!" Nabiki complained.

"Nope, out of time," The Doctor said.

"You can't be out of time! You're a Time Lord!" Nabiki growled.

"So I am. Ah, here we are. Right on time." The Doctor shoved Nabiki straight through the door of a house.

"What the-?!" Nabiki shivered as she passed through the door without damaging it. "Don't do that!"

"Shh!" The Doctor pointed over Nabiki's shoulder.

Nabiki turned around and saw a classmate of hers, depressed. "Oh. So this is…"

The Doctor put a finger to his lips.

"Why?" the student asked seemingly no one, tears forming in his eyes.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "It's your own damn fault for falling for me. Do you believe this guy? There's a sucker born every minute…"

*Whack*

Nabiki found herself on the floor.

"HEY! You can't do that!" Nabiki yelled.

"Oh, shut up, you twit," The Doctor snarled. "Don't you care about this poor sap? At all?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Not even a little."

The Doctor frowned.

"What? Like I said, it's his fault for falling for me! Idiots. Everyone knows I bleed anyone who's that stupid dry," Nabiki grumbled and stood up.

"But don't you see?" The Doctor flailed his arms. "Look around!"

Nabiki blinked and glanced around the room. "What's your point?"

"Nothing. No lights or tree. Nothing. Nothing at all." The Doctor scowled.

"So what? Not everyone celebrates Christmas here. It's Japan, not London," Nabiki noted.

"You really are a wicked soul." The Doctor shook his head in disgust.

"Thanks. I try," Nabiki replied sarcastically.

"He doesn't even have heating! You cheapskate!" The Doctor complained.

"And this is my problem how?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.

*Whack*

Nabiki fell to the floor again and The Doctor walked out of the house.

"Hey! You can't leave me in there!" Nabiki ran after the Doctor, complaining.

"I can do whatever I want." The Doctor didn't look back at her. "Now if you are going to follow me around like a sad puppy, I want you to see this!"

"What'd you say?!" Nabiki gritted her teeth.

The Doctor pointed to the new people in front of them.

Nabiki turned her head and saw the Kuno siblings. On a yacht.

"Brother dear, this is much too small," Kodachi complained.

"Ah, sister of mine, thou hath thyself to blame. The countless images of that pesky sorcerer Ranma Saotome have cut into our yacht fund. Now we can only afford a slight smaller yacht," Tatewaki answered, speaking like he was reading poetry. As usual.

Nabiki blinked. "How are we…? WE'RE FLOATING?!" She started to panic.

"Of all the things to panic over…" The Doctor mumbled. "Are you concerned at all with the misery of others?!"

"MISERY?!" Nabiki screamed. "This. THIS is misery?!"

The Doctor pointed at them again. "Yes. If only you'd watch."

"Oh hoh hoh hoh! My innocently naive brother, it is your obsession with that redheaded witch that is causing us finacial strain. That and your disgusting pursuit of the no-good Tendo girl," Kodachi said mockingly.

"Take that back!" Tatewaki pointed his bokken at his sister.

"Never! You cannot choose, foolish brother! You simply cannot! It has grown tiresome!" Kodachi took out her ribbon.

"But I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, MUST have them both! I'll do whatever it takes!" Tatewaki vowed. "Rest is for the weak!"

The Doctor lounged in midair. "Looks like you got them obsessed with your family."

"Eh, pays the bills," Nabiki said with a shrug.

"You don't pay the bills," The Doctor pointed out, catching Nabiki in a lie.

Like she cared. "Whoops. Sounds good though, doesn't it? Are we done yet?"

The Doctor sighed in disappointment.

*Snap*

They were back in the snowy streets of Nerima.

"You are a pathetic child, and I don't say that lightly," The Doctor stated as he walked away.

"Hey! Wait! There's something I need to know!" Nabiki ran after him. "So what happened in that year? The year I lost?"

"Might as well tell you. Perhaps you'll learn from it: Nothing. Everything. All in between. Depends on your point of view, girl." The Doctor shrugged. "For instance, you've spent a year daydreaming staring out that window. Yet you also have not. Time is relative and all that."

"So… I dreamed I died." Nabiki frowned.

"Yes, precisely. Yet you also experienced no time at all. Fascinating, really. Floating timelines are weird like that. But that's what happens in a nested universe," The Doctor explained.

"Nested?" Nabiki was dumbfounded.

"Ah, yes. A universe within a universe. Which we are in right now. Outside it took a year. In here? No time at all. But also a year because reasons. Peculiar, isn't it?" The Doctor smiled. "You ventured into a universe within this universe when I arrived and in that universe my arriaval sent you into another universe where you died."

"How am I not dead?" Nabiki muttered. "And how do I get one universe up?"

"Oh, you did. Just not you, you. Think of it as a simulation within a simulation within a dream." The Doctor shrugged. "Or it could be your alternate selves. Perhaps your 2013 self? Who knows for certain?"

"So this isn't real?" Nabiki nearly collapsed.

The Doctor sighed. "Well, it is. It's real to you. That's all that matters. Right? Even the universe above us may not be real. Maybe there is no real realness. But that doesn't mean we should destroy those who are in this one. Is everything I did for nothing? I choose to not think that, for it doesn't matter how real this is. Do what you must here. Whether it's really real or just some giant computer, it's all we have."

Nabiki looked up at The Doctor and saw that she was in a cemetery. "I don't think I can do that…"

"Well, whatever it means, it does mean my successor gets paid." The Doctor gave a small smile, tears forming in his eyes. "Hope I'm finally ginger."

"Huh… Oh, WHAT?!" Nabiki's eyes widened as The Doctor glowed brightly, nearly blinding her.

That is, until he disappeared.

Leaving her all alone.

At night.

Author's notes: dun dun dun dun! Woo wee oooo! Whee ooo! Marry Christmas everyone! Its legal! In more places than other types of Marriages anyway. Untkil next Hawaiian lunch, its me, the Text!