Grace and Reason
Howlynn
Chapter 10: Eyes of Mercy
Summary:
The opening of the heart and the death of despair.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Because of the diverse conditions of humans, it happens that some acts are virtuous to some people, as appropriate and suitable to them, while the same acts are immoral for others, as inappropriate to them.
~Thomas Aquinas
James stubbed out his fag and followed his friend. He stood with his hands shoved in his pockets, watching Lewis finish his whisky, for a few long seconds before speaking, "Put it together yet?"
Lewis punched the buttons on the remote furiously giving up when he couldn't make all the gadgets play well together. He tossed it aside and leaned, elbows on knees, hands massaging his scalp as if he could make all of this go away.
" You would have eventually found me and you would have had to live with the fact that I would have died in despair, waiting for you to come and not understanding why you never did. I wouldn't have blamed you, just so you know. But I was in despair that something similar may have happened to you. I had no other explanations that fit and even that didn't explain why not even a constable was sent round. What would your life have been like? " His tone was gentle and Hathaway's words were said slowly and deliberately as he approached Robbie and settled down in front of him, sitting gingerly on the coffee table.
Robbie's face was blank. He grasped James' hands and squeezed hard. His eyes pressed shut and his head shook as if denying that terrible picture.
" You're not given to hallucinations nor any propensity to supposed visions. Clearly my ghostly spirit did not actually haunt you into rescuing me. Yet, you were called here. My voice, Robert. You can play it down or blame it on all sorts of reasonable things. But here you are. A prideful man humbles himself with an act of perfect faith and contrition is how I chose to see it. Not my life, but my soul. He gave you your loophole. I shall spend my life attempting to be worthy of it," James said sniffling and wiping his eyes.
"Told Laura that I couldn't save you for me, but that I was going to try to save you, for you. She didn't believe me. Thought I meant to top meself. Crossed me mind. Mortal sin, that, yeah? According to your rules?"
"What if you had found no answers? If you felt in your heart I had been condemned for my sins? It is what I deserve, in all honesty."
Robbie's eyes locked on James. "That is not true, lad. I don't care what anyone else on this planet believes. I will never believe that. So if that's the way it works, that mortal sin bit would become a means to an end. If you go, I go."
"Even if my place is in hell and your place is redemption?"
"I think that if you love someone, that sipping Elysian tea and lounging on puffy clouds while the harps are endlessly plucked, knowing what you love is being tortured every second without hope, would be a much worse hell than screaming together." Robbie shoots back in his best present-the-evidence voice.
James dropped his eyes and quoted, "To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."
"I like that." Robbie said, reaching out and gently touching James' face, forcing him to meet his gaze.
"G.K. Chesterton," James volunteered.
"You are not unlovable, soft lad."
"But I do hope in the face of hopeless circumstance. And you, my dearest Robert Lewis, have faith."
Robbie stood up and paced the floor, trying to figure out how to say what he was about to say. He had to make James understand but leave him an easy escape route. "Then it's time to see if the unforgivable can be forgiven. I know I have nothing to offer you and the reality is, I look like a used up copper with the world on me shoulders, have the personality of a county stump, and you'd be a right git to ever take up with a sad old plod, but I also know that the way you look at me sometimes isn't all in me head. You've never said a word, but there are rumors all over the nick. I can't even tell you when it happened. Before the bridge, mind, but that's when I knew that it wasn't just…a temporary little glitch. Would it be unforgivable if I told you that that, oh hell. James, sometimes I think about more. Between us."
James fingers pressed against his own lips. His other hand was clenched to his heart as if in pain. He was breathing far too rapidly and shallow and his skin was quickly losing color. James was shaking all over now and looking up at Robbie with some mix of hurt, horror and hope that made him look about twelve years old.
Robbie takes his body language to mean that his words could not have been more unwelcome. "Aw lad. I should have just kept that to meself. If I read this wrong, then we don't have to—"
"No." James hissed. "Please, don't take it back. Don't."
Robbie stood still, mouth open in midsentence, trying to collate what was just said. He gave a deep sigh and then a multitude of wrinkles appearing on his forehead. The expression showed that at this point his gearbox was spinning but the tachometer was red-lining. He sat down next to James and folded his hands between his knees, unsure of what to do or say.
James concentrated hard to calm his breathing and finally he spoke, casting side-glances at his companion. "I didn't know that I meant so much to anyone until the time in hospital. I was overwhelmed by the cards and words of kindness. I don't think most people can stand me, if they notice me at all. My Sergeant, I thought she hated me, actually. Some people seem to think I am attractive, but if I let them in, give them a glimpse of me, they seem to discover their error. Most often it happens just as I begin to trust them a little. It is easier to simply remain detached."
"Some detective. There were a lot of people who don't think you are a complete and utter tosser ," Robbie added.
James scoffed, recalling their first case and how he'd requested that he be allowed to keep working with the 'crusty old bastard' as Lewis had been known when he'd been away on his tropical excursion. Compared to his last headmaster, DI Lewis was nearly a cheerful Lothario. His instructional skills and puzzle solving were far superior to his last DI. " I didn't know much about you at first. But I did trust you. How I felt for you stemmed from that rare state of affairs. I blocked it out and hid it away most of the time. But you quite often amaze me and the task becomes difficult. Impossible, evidently. An altogether unfitting kind of trust finally bloomed, following the hearts light across the unreachable sky."
"But if you trusted me, why do you keep your past so close? I don't even know who to call if you die, James." Lewis asked, blushing at Hathaway's poetic nonsense.
"There actually is nobody to call. That's part of it, I suppose. What few genetic relatives that I have left wouldn't wish to be called. I felt the church was my family once, but I made myself the shunned blacksheep of that family as well. I have never had much luck in the dating pool. Then I became a policeman and I meet criminals and other policemen with schedules as mad as my own. Not much time for bonding there, when most have families waiting for their precious off hours. I find being in this profession puts people off a bit. They either fear that their little cannabis stash will be discovered or they find my constant need to break engagements too frustrating to put up with. The members of my band tolerate me because I am useful to their own goals, but again, they lead normal lives that don't involve arsenic and gunfire."
"Well that isn't your fault, that they don't know how to have fun."
"It does embarrass me, Robbie. A man of my age with nothing but burnt bridges in my past and corpses in my future. What does that say about me that anyone could look upon in a favorable way? It makes me the creepy loaner, prone to cat husbandry and criminal sexual deviance. If I kick off tomorrow, the extensive list of mourners would have, perhaps, three names."
"Not true. Innocent would see to the turnout. Mr. Innocent alone would be sorry to see his best stand-in gone," Lewis said with deadpan solemnity.
"He'd cry. Definitely. Assuming he exists," Hathaway conceded with a small smirk and a shrug.
"No proof of him either, far as I know. Quantity doesn't mean love. Me old Guv had a huge turnout, but once the big show was over, only about four of us ever went back because we wanted too. Maybe needed to. He requested no service of any kind. I think he was afraid of people showing up just for obligation. He didn't know. We just got together and raised a pint to him, just a farewell, and people came from all over. "
"My vanity is restored," James said with a cocky snicker.
"Cheeky yob. Get back to what I asked you."
" Alright, if you are sure you want to hear it?" He paused, looking over at Robbie for a final affirmation. "I was dying, and I truly didn't mind so much. I was in a great deal of pain at that point and so thirsty. I couldn't seem to stay awake and I had both vomited and soiled myself. I prayed that if I did expire that you not be the one to find me, partially because I didn't want to cause you pain but mostly due to my own pride, especially when it has to do with you. Unsurprisingly, I was content to find I would need no more long walks to hold my soul together. I did the best I could with my own last rights and I heard someone in the flat, but because there was no siren or flashing lights or call outs indicating a police presence, I simply closed my eyes and accepted that I didn't deserve mercy and would have to endure the end I was meant to have. I believe I wept silently for a moment or two, realizing how foolish I had been about many things. It is strange to know it is all over and see all the things you didn't do. I must have slipped away again."
"I knew someone had been here. It just never crossed my mind that it wasn't some early bird, here to pick through your things."
"I don't really have much of value." James admitted with a shrug.
Robbie snorted then shook his head, "Most of us carry around far too much clutter. When Val died, that was almost as overwhelming as all the rest of it combined. Sorting all these ridiculous things we'd acquired. Not wanting to keep it and feeling guilt for letting it go. Simple is better. Is that all then?"
James dropped his head and closed his eyes as if stealing himself for confession. He nodded with an inner resolve, born of disappointment. He knelt down in front of Robbie, taking his hands and holding them in a near death-grip. James bowed his head, touching his forehead to their joined hands before speaking, "I asked for the chance to tell you something. Guess I had better not back out now. I have been in love with you for a very long time, Robert. Obsessed and besotted. What small measures of love I found in this world, I destroyed in ignorance. No matter if you want it or not, my heart will forever be truly and utterly yours to command. If you have to some extent found reason to partially return those feelings in any extent you feel appropriate, then my prayers were more than answered too," James admitted shyly.
Robbie waited for James to look at him, pulling one of his hands away and smiling with awkwardness, he scratched his ear and shook his head as he said. "I don't know exactly what to do next here."
"I have waited a long time. I can wait until you figure it out," James answered.
Robbie gave James one of his appraising detectives looks and asked gruffly, "If I already have it figured out? You going to run or have some crisis with your existential flu?"
James shrugged.
Robbie reached into his pocket and pulled out the crime scene photo, unfolding it and holding it up for James to see. "I wondered if you meant this or if it was just because you thought you were dying. Worried it was head trauma and not real. I was not flying blind here, lad, but I wanted to know before I took it for granted. Thanks for trusting me."
"You knew? All this time?" James seemed to wilt a little.
"Doesn't matter. All the evidence in the world. Didn't convince me. You did that, just now."
Robbie leaned closer and his eyes dropped to Hathaway's lips. James swallowed then took a deep breath and closed his lips to Robbie's. It was tentative and gentle at first but Robbie let slip a growl of desire and the sound seemed to energize James. They were soon panting and touching as if lost in a fog of sensation.
They finally parted and James whispered. "This is not what I expected from my day."
"How's the flu?"
James took a deep breath and held it, then looked up at Robert shaking his head in wonder. "Oh, Robert. I have the utmost faith that I have found a cure for my existential flu."
"That's nice. Oh and you will be taking the promotion over at Aylesbury," Robbie ordered.
"Will I, now? You command my heart, not my career. Robert," James stated with umbrage.
Robbie chuckled and mocked, "Call it an act of contrition."
"For what?"
Robbie gave him one of those hard meaningful looks. "To say sorry for making me hear that you love me from Jean Innocent first and making me have to face that note in front of her, canny lad."
James looked mortified, "Oh. Letting me off easy, then, in fact."
"Pushover, me," He said with a chummy hug.
They were quiet for a moment, then James pointedly mentioned, "If I take it, it means I will outrank you."
Robbie grinned skeptically, "Don't be too prideful about that. Morse found that to be more chaos than ecstasy."
"I have heard rumors. I guess where there is fire, there is sometimes a little light as well."
"I love you too, bonny lad."
camera fade, cue music, roll credits
Author notes:
I thank you kindly for reading and I hope I have meddled with these characters within the parameters of believability. I dabbled in the unexplained and though I am not Catholic, hope I managed to work within the views of DI Hathaway and what his perspective would attribute to events. If I have erred, please understand, I have not been to Mass since I was small and had the privilege of regular invitation by my Doctor's wife. She taught me a great respect and love for the basic ideas and Christmas has never been right without attending Midnight Mass ever since. The chapter heads, of course, came from the prayers of the rosary with the exception of Chapter four.
Hathaway often quotes Thomas Aquinas and he was a great teacher of both religion and philosophy. He is considered the model teacher to be studied for those intending to go into the priesthood so I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes that this man had attributed to him. Remember, that he died 7 March 1274. It was not a time of fairytales, but of failed crusades (8th & 9th) and Kublai Khan and the mongrel hordes. The church tried to address the east-west schism at the second council of Lyons the very year he passed away. There is famine and epidemic disease across Europe. He saw Pope Innocent IV authorize torture to be used on heretics and the beginning of the inquisition, yet he still taught. I think that it says something about Hathaway that this Friar of jokes and deep thought and gentle spirit in the face of daily horror would be who the almost priest turned policeman would identify with.
I am not terribly concerned with the physical aspect of Lewis and Hathaway. They will find their way. (The silly actors have given us multiple kissy shots to feed our adoration of these character's couple moments.) I mostly wanted to address the emotional side which is far more complex, in its devastation and its glory: Loss and redemption, sorrow and kindness, faith and disbelief, experience vs teachings, Love and guilt. Those are the things that make or break our lives. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you all for your kind reviews.