Wizards, Penguins, and Downtime
"It's... Um... What is it?" Asked Wally.
In his hands he held my gift to him. The weapon... um... Is it a weapon? Well what ever it was he was holding it.
"It's a snotgun. I took it from the Trickster after I sneezed him to the side of the Flash Museum."
"Wait, this doesn't shoot acid does it?" Asked Wally.
"I think it's more like a super adhesive."
Sticky snot is sick and slimy. However I doubted it was armed with acid. Otherwise that whole thing would have ended... very differently. And I liked the Trickster, I'd hate if I accidentally melted him to a puddle. That would have been a horrible start to a beautiful friendship... I should visit him.
"You know, I never did get souvenirs from my Central City days. Evidence and all that... But... You sure you don't want to keep it?"
"Nah, figured you'd like it and the story behind it."
"Oh! There's a story. Well don't keep me waiting."
So I did. Didn't leave out a single detail... At least I don't think I did. I mean it was kinda hard to forget when a madman with air walking shoes decides that since you're after him, even though you aren't, he might as well attack first. I get it though, it's the kind of plan I would be happy to come up with... I did lie a bit and told Wally that I actually said "Blow this" when I shot him to the side of the museum. He would never know... not if I had anything to say about it.
"Should have snatched those air walking shoes."
"See the feet?" I asked while pointing to my clawed three toed feet.
"I sometimes forget shoes are a thing to be honest with you."
Wally nodded sympathetically, but otherwise had an air of 'not caring' around him... which kinda made him come across as a dick, but he wasn't a dick. That was Robin who was Dick, he was Wally. duh!
"Must make walks uncomfortable."
"Depends on how enthusiastic the walk is."
"What makes a walk enthusiastic?" Asked a confused Wally.
Ah, an age old question to be sure. One asked by many a people who seek their own walks of enthusiasm.
"Normal walks are pleasant affairs where you relax, enthusiastic walks end in battles with chaos lords in a tower whose inside is another dimension owned by a century's old wizard."
"Wizard? You talking magic? There ain't no such thing as magic."
"I find your lack of faith... Disturbing."
"What, you're telling me you think magic is real?"
"I never claimed to know anything. You can't prove it!"
Wally shrugged in defiance of my textbook perfect argument.
"Whatever Cell."
There was something… Odd about all this. I mean… Wasn't the Flash formula technically magical super alchemy? I'm not 100% sure about that but I think it might be Magical Super Alchemy. Dammit, I can't Wikipedia to check if it was Magical Super Alchemy. Curse being on this side of the fourth wall. Curse it with all of my... curses...Whatever. Just... fuck you wall... I wonder if Wall Man had power over the 4th Wall... I'll have to test this theory later, but for now I needed to figure out what was going on with the... really odd skepticism.
"So, you don't believe in Magic right? You don't find your skepticism a little bit… arbitrary?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean… You can just run faster than any human should. With a bipedal leg structure no less. You literally invalidate all kinds of mathematical models of top human speed based on very careful analysis of the human leg. You out run cars."
"Man, that's not the same thing. Speedsters get our speed from science, not magic. It may look like magic, but that does not mean it is."
"Ah, I see. So you subscribe to the philosophy that any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science?"
"...Are you trying to trick me into admitting magic is real?"
Shit, he's on to me. Must use a carefully laid sentence to throw off suspicion.
"No!"
Nailed it.
"Uh huh, whatever bro. I get that you have a fancy super guitar and went into a pocket dimension but that is all it is, a fancy guitar and a pocket dimension, nothing magical about it. It's smoke and mirrors."
...Am I being Punk'd? I thought that show was cancelled….
Ok adding check television, movies, and other media. Things might be different here… Maybe they have movies that didn't exist back home… I could make a killing if I found one that didn't exist in this universe and was a financially successful back home.
However I had much more pressing matters to deal to like skeptical scarlet speedsters.
"...You literally live in a universe where Atlantis is a real and documented place filled with FISH PEOPLE!"
"Evolution is weird sometimes."
"THEY GREW GILLS? What did the first ones there just have super not drowning skills. Was Guybrush Threepwood from Atlantis? What exact conditions would cause evolution to staple a pair of gills on humans? How long would that even take?"
"Don't know, but it happened."
"Kaldur does not hide the blatant wizardry that shoots out of his hands and… swordy... handle thingys. He can shape water into blades and really kinky whips I've been told."
"Bio-electricity and Aquakinesis… What what about the whips?"
"How is Aquakinesis not magic?" I asked ignoring his question.
"The Kinesis part. Psychics, ergo not Magic."
"Amazonians."
"An all female human subspecies."
…
"...Friction."
"Pardon?"
"You heard me, how is it you don't catch fire when you run?"
"Secondary benefit of Super Speed."
"So it just came with the required secondary power of Fuck Friction? You can just ignore a SCIENTIFIC principle just because? It Just… doesn't apply to you because if it did, Super speed would be a lame power."
"I wouldn't put it like that."
"I would, and I just did. In your Face Wall Man, I win!"
Wally rolled his eyes as he leaned back, looking at his snotgun. Then a smile grew across his face as he shot me a mischievous side glance.
"You say you got a Magical Helmet right?"
I blinked at the abrupt changing of the subject… That was usually my shtick.
"Yeah."
"Alright, go get it. I'm going to prove it to you."
"You're not going to put it on are you?"
That… probably wasn't a very good idea. I mean... I'm irresponsible... a lot... A whole lot... But still... I was learning... eventually... probably... Jury's out on it to be honest.
"Well if you want to admit defeat then…."
Wally was caught off guard as I tossed the Helmet of Fate into his hands. Teleportation is a wonderful thing. No way I was going to lose an argument I knew I could win. I am not losing an argument to a 15 year old. I refuse to lose an argument about the existence of magic inside of a universe BASED ON A COMIC BOOK.
Wally smirked as he set the Helmet on the table and began inspecting it. Not quite sure why really.
"Hmm, the metal is thick enough to have some kind of circuitry running through it. Don't see any seams though."
"Magical circuitry maybe." I said in defiance.
Ignoring me Wally continued his inspection, and I started to notice that as he did, his face became… Confused… Then he started talking to himself.
"No, the power source would need more room than that… Unless it doesn't really… where would the hardware to hold an AI even fit? Maybe… Alien in nature...Hmmm."
He was looking at the Helmet very...very...VERY closely.
"You done inspecting it yet?"
"Just… give me a minute."
He turned it over again and again in his hands. Still looking a bit confused by it all. Then he shrugged and held it in both hands.
"Just a decoration. No way you could fit an AI capable of overriding a human mind and the power source in something so small. At least not without ruining its structural integrity." he said as he gave the Helmet a few hard knocks.
"Would provide a lot of head and facial protection though. Can't really identify the metal, but It's strong whatever it is."
Then Wally lifted the Helmet and put it on…
"Wait I don't..."
…
He turned to me, eyes glowing gold.
"YOU!"
…
Oh… this was bad wasn't it?
"Ow!"
Mountain Wall.
"Ow!"
Tree.
"Ow!"
Building. Judging by the moss growing on the inside it was at least abandoned. Thank goodness for small miracles.
"Ow!"
Pretty sure that was a bear... Used to be a bear anyway.
*gurgling*
Ocean...
Lots and lots of ocean.
So I got to meet Nabu... He apparently decided immediately that the best possible greeting for me was a nice trip around the world. Sure, I mean how would you feel of you were at the epicenter of the magical equivalent of a Matter/Antimatter explosion with a bit of an LSD mindfuck on the side.
...
"Ow!"
Beach.
Well at least I'm back on land. So that was interesting. That said, apparently I can breathe underwater. Did not know I can do that, but this opens up a world of possibilities against Aquaman villains.
Silver lining, always look on the bright side of everything. Even a violent round the world trip given by a Body Snatching Sorcerer Supreme.
"Ow!"
Mountain... Oh hey I was back. That's nice.
... Did I circle the planet? If so AWESOME!
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! BEINGS INFINITELY YOUR GREATER NOW GAZE UPON YOU."
Upon regrowing... Quite a bit of myself actually, I nodded along.
"So... Is that bad?"
"Imbecile. Are you truly that foolish. You Summoned a Greater Chaos Lord into this universe of which I defend, and nearly destroy me in the process. Who would protect this universe if Order were to die?"
I think that was supposed to be, as TV Tropes would say, an Armor Piercing Question... Buuuut I don't claim to know if that was really what I thought it was... It could be laundry for all I know. In fact maybe it was. I'm gonna pretend his question was laundry because it amuses me.
"The Justice League, Green Lantern Corps. Along with The Guardians of the Universe. I mean there are groups who handle this sort of thing."
I was puddled and pasted.
Made a Mess.
I am Become Chunky Salsa. Provider of Meaty Giblets.
But you know how that goes. I just emerged from the puddle no worse for ware. Like a really... REALLY gross phoenix.
Damn Regeneration is awesome.
"Soooo, I take it you vehemently disagree?"
"Correct."
"I don't get what's the big deal, Mister Myxy is Chaotic Neutral at worse."
"Chaos is Chaos."
"Well someone obviously never played D&D. I'm starting to question your alignment. But if there is one thing table top has taught me, you never talk about alignments. Always grids the game to a halt."
"Are you... always this idiotic?"
His voice dropped a few decibels. Which was good. Namekian hearing is not fun sometimes.
"Nah, sometimes I'm worse. Say what happened to Klarion the Punchable anyway?"
I'll admit after the utter mind fuck that was that bullshit... I was curious.
"He has been banished. His connection to his familiar, and thus his anchor to this world has been severed. He will return, as Chaos always does."
"Oh... So Jerry Jr. Was his cat... I wondered why he said I smelled of his cat... And the void apparently."
"Void?"
Fate used his PHENOMENAL POWERS to drag me closer to him. I felt like this was an egregious waste of his talents as he could have just... You know... Walked forward… then again the best advice where wizards are concerned is do not meddle in their affairs, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
"Yes, there is the taint of the Void upon you."
"Cool... What is the void?"
"Non-Existence. It has many names. Most call It the Bleed. It is not a universe itself, merely the space between them."
"Very cool. So what's that mean?"
"It means you were traveling through it... And for an excessive period of time for it to linger for as long as it has."
"Well, I already knew that. I'm not exactly from around here, but like… do I have… void powers now? Can I shoot Black Holes is what I'm asking."
Fate ignored me, but he did sigh at my question. I guess I'll take that as a No then. He crossed his arms as he released his magical hold on me.
"So…. Can I have my Wall Man back?"
"With a Greater Lord of Chaos here, Fate must remain to restore Order."
"Riiiight, see that's gonna be a problem. I kicked Klarions ass, now either give me back the Wall Man, or I shall embarrass you to the pain."
"YOU DARE ORDER FATE!"
OW! LOUD wizard is LOUD with a capital L.O.U.D. Still, I knew how to handle this situation with grace and maturity... I just chose to ignore that in favor of blatant childishness.
"Blah Blah Blah, I'm Fate, I'm the Avatar of Order, I'm just so fancy with my bucket helmet and my ability to summon ankh's from my ass, but I don't call it an ass I call it my sorcerous sweet super sphincter. What does an Ankh have to do with order anyway? Last I checked it stood for life. And you CANNOT get more chaotic than life itself. Have ya seen us? We poop. Well I don't but I am told life usually poops."
"...You… are a very strange character."
"And don't you forget it. Now, give me back the Wall Man, his wall powers are too much for you."
"You really aren't in a position to make demands."
Oh really? You are obviously new here.
"Wanna bet, I will follow you around forever. I am immortal. I'll come back no matter what. Try getting anything done when I'm there to talk your goddamn ear off and thwarting your plans in the most asinine and inexplicable ways I can think of at the time, and I can be VERY asinine and inexplicable. Cause I'm gonna bet you might just be stronger than me, maybe, but I'll also bet you have absolutely nothing in your arsenal that can permanently kill a teleporting, immortal, infinitely regenerating, Ki shooting, possibly insane Cicada Man from another universe who tears off his own head for giggles. So you a betting man Nabu?"
"...You cannot be serious."
"Bitch, I literally don't know what that word means."
"Well in…"
"Also I know where you live." I interrupted like the big boy grown up I was.
"As I was Saying! In that case we have reached an impasse. However the world needs Fate. I will release young Wallace, however you will seek out a new host so that I may once again bring Order to the Cosmos."
"Yeah, you've actually done very little to convince me you aren't an example of Lawful Stupid."
"Your view is small, you are ill equipped to understand my necessity."
"Vague answer is vague."
"...You are… insufferable."
"Well then why are you suffering me then?"
"DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT!?"
Woah! Glow-y boy is extra glow-y when he's mad. But it's so pretty to watch.
…
Gah! Stupid pretty lights. Messing with my inner moth brain. No wonder those guys bump repeatedly into light bulbs. It's... enticing to just slam head first into the pretty pretty lights. However I couldn't afford to be distracted right now. I put a bug claw to my bug chin, tapping it ever so slowly. I could feel the irritation coming off Fate in waves of… well irritation I guess. Irritation waves... Dumbest power ever.
"Alright. You got a deal."
Fate nodded, and lifted the helmet off Wally's head…
Who immediately collapsed on the ground unconscious…
I'm sure he'll be fine, but first.
"YOINK!" I said as I snatched up the Helmet of Fate.
I'll put Wally in his room to. Probably could use the rest.
"Lapis, It is your time to shine. Use the power within. Be the you that I know you can be. You must rock the fuck out!"
And rock the fuck out he did. The delicious riffs and tasty power-cording of Lordi's Biomechanic Man blared from the unholy amp. Summoning bio-mechanical dancing demons as he played.
It was learned that the power of The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus transcends talent. By playing it, it gifted a basic understanding of Metal theory, and bestowed the ability to play guitars of all kinds. I learned this fact when I accidentally shredded a normal Cello into splinters with the power of Metallica's Enter Sandman. However when I attempted to use the bow, it exploded in my hands.
There wasn't even any real reason for it to explode either. There was no fuel, no fire, and everyone told me it was a normal cello bow that should have no desire to explode. But it burned like fuel was pumping in it or something. Burning hard, loose, and clean. The fire even turned in my direction, and somehow asked me to quench its thirst with gasoline… I dumped water on it instead.
Never trust sentient talking fire.
Lapis immediately requested the opportunity to be blessed Metallic Wisdom. And who was I to say no to a young acolyte of rock. Especially when said acolyte is family.
As soon as Lapis was done, he carefully handed me The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus and I graciously accepted it.
"It's been an honor." Said Lapis.
I nodded and put my hand on his shoulder.
"You are ready padawan. C'mon let's go shopping, I'm buying you your own ax of rockin'."
"Has anyone ever told you you're the best brother ever."
"No, but they should."
"Here you go." I said as I slid Lazuli the papers.
She took a look at them before looking back at me with a confused stare.
"Lazuli… McSplice?"
"Yep, it's official now."
She stared at me with a look of contempt but also... something else not quite as negative. It was kinda sweet, but I couldn't be sure. Lazuli was a master of the deadpan.
"Please tell me you're joking on the last name."
"Nope. My full legal name is Cell Genome McSplice III. Since we're family, that makes you Lazuli McSplice."
"...Why?"
"I was here first. First come first serve. Lapis seemed to like it."
"Of course he did, he's Lapis."
"True… He is just so precious, but that isn't all I got you. Here."
Lazuli looked at the card of plastic I slid before her, before turning to me with a queer look of mild confusion.
"Is that...credit cards?"
"Yep, well this one is a debit card, but this one is a credit card. I set up a joint account between you, me, and Lapis."
She snatched them up and pocketed them quick as a flash.
"I guess that's nice, but am I going to be paying with real money or monopoly money."
She then looked down at my attire.
"Cause I'm pretty sure you stole that. What are you, broke, got a bit, or do you just call it pre-rich?"
"You know I hear money doesn't buy happiness."
"I'll be sure to let the cashier know that."
"Do you just… exhale sarcasm?"
She shrugged.
"It's a gift. I'm witty, I have wit. I've heard its better than a murder charge, but I wouldn't really know. Prison orange is not my color though so no one is in danger of finding out."
"Well I wouldn't worry about cash, I'm actually currently a multi-millionaire."
…
…
Where did she go?
Having a surprise Brother and Sister was a new experience. If I was going to be a good brother who was the absolute best influ... most Cell of influence... Yeah that works. If I was to be the most Cell of Influences, I needed to make sure everything was taken care of. Investment offices were a fun place, I've visited a couple already, but this one had a very good reputation. Hopefully someone here will be willing to take my money to invest it in a few things I want. One grand thing about waking up in 2010 is the power I now have to use my glorious future knowledge to my advantage.
Plus I know of a few companies besides Lexcorp who's gonna probably be around for just about... forever really. So long as Lex Luthor and Bruce Wayne are alive, investing in them is the way to go. I think, I'm not sure how investments work, but I had enough cash to classify as rich, but not very rich, or stupidly rich. I know dividends were a thing... and that is the exact extent of my knowledge on how it works... but that is why I pay people to invest for me.
I was offered shares with S.T.A.R. Labs though as my bank account soared. Snatched that up like it was gold, cause it probably was.
I think my next order of business after getting into the 1% club would be buying myself a failing music studio. I can think of a few artists who made it big by 2019. They should be newcomers by now.
Yes, It would only be a matter of time before those kiddies had their wigs and I had my very own full size fully functional Gundam... with a retractable groin chainsaw.
I was about to head in, when my eyes drifted over to another building not too far away….
"The Iceberg Lounge."
I can put this off.
Oswald Cobblepot's, also known as the Penguin was old money. His family had always been rich to his knowledge. Sure there was a minor hiccup that forced him into a less than reputable profession, but his life was back on track. That wasn't to say he didn't dip his toe into the Supervillain community, especially those that had lucrative ideas, but required a certain loan to pull off. Robbing a bank for example was difficult without certain tools that he was more than happy to lend out… for the right price of course.
He was also an individual that kept his ear to the ground and made sure to know what new was going on in Gotham. He kept up with the villains plans and reputation. Even those who had fallen so far, like the Woman before him. Oswald did not care for socializing with his fellow rouges, but she was an exception. Catwoman was a thief, and a damn good one. Always useful to have them on your side when you need it.
"One bad job and suddenly I'm the laughing stock of Gotham. How did it come to this?"
"Any reason you can think this Cell character may have targeted you?"
"None I can think of. But word has been spreading. I hear the League of Shadows, or at least some of its members have been asking about him. Even Luthor has supposedly been asking for mercenaries who hit very hard."
"What like Deadshot?"
"A lot harder than that. Metahuman levels minimum."
"Must have been quite the slight against our colleague in Metropolis."
"I hope someone takes Lex up on it." said Catwoman.
To her disappointment, Penguin shook his head.
"Nothing will come from it, the maniac tears off his own head for fun. No one with half a working brain will take on someone whose only goal is to ruin their reputation. In this business sometimes reputation is all you have. Even the whole thing with the Trickster didn't really do anything to him but give him some good will with the public. Some people are saying he's the one who painted the Batmobile pink."
Catwoman sighed.
"I could believe it."
"So what exactly are you going to do now?" asked Oswald.
"Build up my reputation once again and stay away from anyone green. Which is actually why I'm here. I need some...Toys."
"You got a list?"
Before anyone could say anything, the Lounge outside Oswalds office grew quiet as the piano started up.
This wasn't unusual in and of itself, but the unfamiliar voice was, at least for Oswald it was. Catwoman could never forget that voice.
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified."
Looking to his security screens, Oswald was floored to see the very bug they spoke of before on the main stage. What really made him pause was the creatures Outfit.
A backless sequin dress, blonde wig, and a feather boa.
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong And I learned how to get along.
With a simple Jump off the iceberg shaped stage, I landed in between the many tables where the crowds were either laughing their asses off or staring at me in bewildered confusion. Must have been the dress. Not my fault I could pull it off.
"And so you're back From outer space I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.
I flaunted through the crowds with the sass of a thousand sassy lassies.
"I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.
I was fabulous.
Seeing the subject of her ire before her, Catwoman could only glare, she was not so amused even as Penguin was on the floor holding his sides in laughter.
"He's an idiot!"
She agreed.
"Go on now, go, walk out the door Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore.
Catwoman looked and noticed something that caused her to ease her way to the window. Penguin didn't realize it yet, but Cell was making his way ever so slowly towards this office.
"Sorry Ozzy let's put this on hold, Good luck." Said Catwoman as she leapt out the window like her ass was on fire.
"Wha…?
"Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye Do you think I'd crumble Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Suddenly and without warning, a giant Bug man entered the room, snatched up the Penguin, and flew back to the stage in the blink of an eye.
By the time it was over the Penguin had noticed something. Cell was no longer wearing the Dress, Wig, or Feather Boa. Instead it was an impeccable three piece suit specifically designed for his unusual physiology.
Then Penguin noticed a lock of blonde hair in his vision, and looked to see a feather boa around his neck and the sequins dress.
Before that could fully register in his brain however a microphone was shoved into his hands, and the crowds were cheering and laughing all at once. Maybe it was the situation, maybe it was the suddenness of it all, maybe it was because he was a big fan of Gloria Gaynor. He was not sure what made him do it, but he did.
"Oh no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.
Then Cell snatched the microphone from him. The Penguin just stared at his now empty hand.
"I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive.
Then it hit Penguin exactly what happened.
"I will survive, hey, hey!"
Before Oswald could do anything, the music stopped, Cell flew out the door as fast as the Flash, and the room was drowning in laughter. The only saving grace was the dress was placed over his suit. He didn't think he could take it if it wasn't. He did prove to the world however that he could run a lot faster than he looked.
As I was leaving the Iceberg Lounge I tossed a bit of wing that snapped off during my daring escape. I haphazardly tossed it over my shoulder.
You know… if someone wanted to make their own Cell they could probably just follow me around and clone me… but I doubt they'd get far. Even S.T.A.R. Labs had absolutely no idea how I worked.
I'm sure no one would he that stupid.
+++
Meanwhile, in a secret underground Cadmus Lab
"Cellbomination wan'z ah hug!"
"IT'S ESCAPED!"
"DAVID! NOOOOOO! YOU WE'RE THE BEST OF US! WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE!"
"OH GOD! WHY DIDN'T WE SEE THIS COMING!"
"NO, NOT TENTACLES! ANYTHING BUT TENTACLES!"
"MY EYE'S! ITS HUGGING MY EYES!"
"Huuuuuugzzz!"
"IT'S HUGGING HIM, AND THEN IT'S GOING TO HUG ME! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"
The laser defenses blasted at the boneless pseudo-amorphous abomination as it hugged the hapless scientists.
"Cellbomination w'll a've HUGS!"
"OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!"
"WE DON'T HAVE FIRE!"
"WELL WHY NOT! OH GOD MY EVERYTHING!"
"Friiiiend!"
Soon there were no survivors save one.
Dr. Gregory Salas starred in abject horror as the beast creeped and leaped around. It gleefully gargled. It glides and slides across the floor and out the door through its new lair. Demanding hugs. Always Hugs. Already many others were trapped within the beasts amorphous flab as it moved around the walls with a splotch and a blotch.
Truly they had created a monster.
"Cellbomination wan' frien who nah go pop."
A monster of their own creation. One who could not be stopped without… drastic means. Dr. Salas knew what had to be done
Emergency Self Destruct System Initiated!
"God Help us all."
"Celbomination wan' all hugz!... Giv Cellbomination hugz."
+++
Well whatever, not like it was my problem is someone decided to take a crack at Dr. Gero's most mad of science.
I wonder what I should do tomorrow?