-Chapter Ten: Echoes of Darkness-

It hit me hard, right in the solar plexus - the gravity of everything, and I mean everything. His glazed eyes focusing again, meeting mine with those barely detectable trace of panic - it cast everything in bright, harsh light.

It was not a secret any longer, they knew. They knew what we had been doing, what I had done, so soon after what Royce had done to me…Oh God! The shame rose up like nausea, sickly and cold. While it had been a secret, it was a wonderful stabiliser, a steady hand during rough turbulence. Now the stability, reassurance and solace was torn apart, they knew. I felt my skin crawl, the air was suddenly bitingly cold and I wanted, powerfully, to leave before I had to meet Carlisle's eyes, pitying me for what I was.

"Stop it, Rose!" Edward snapped, yanking me from my whirling despair. "Don't think like that! We've done nothing wrong!"

I wanted to believe him, God I wanted to accept that and take his hand so he could lead me to our family and announce that it was happy news; that we were in love and it was wonderful and pure, powerful and good. That we were soul mates, that we were happy.

Happy.

The word sounded foreign. Happiness was for ignorant children who believed in fairies, who knew nothing of the horrifying depths that evil reached; who knew nothing of the cruelties men were capable of, and the catastrophic mistakes all people could make. Happiness belonged to humans, surely. Not us. I was starting to see Edward's point; we were damned, damned by our nature as he had said, because in truth we were little more than beautiful demons, haunted by our pasts and driven by our obsessions.

"I can't do this!" I managed to breathe. "I can't…this is too much I…."

He took my hand and kissed it fiercely. "Listen to me, Rose," he whispered. "Listen and stop thinking what you're thinking. I don't care about what we've done, if it's wrong or not. I don't care what they'll think of us."

He was lying. Carlisle's opinion was second to none in his eyes. "I'm not lying," he counteracted gently. "I refuse to see that we have done anything wrong."

I wished I was as blind as he was, but to some extent his blindness had to be remedied. "We are not married," I stated bluntly. He smiled, unfazed by that.

"So marry me."

The full weight of that actually hurt. The words I wanted to hear at the wrong time, in the wrong life. How could he do this to me? Didn't he understand?

"Understand what?" he asked gently, tilting my chin to make me look at him.

"We deceived them," I reeled off, to detract. "We lied to them."

His golden warm eyes were steady. "I. Don't. Care."

"BUT DON'T YOU SEE THAT IT'S WRONG?"

"All that I see is you have somehow become me in the last month. I believe it was I who said this, to you!"

"When it was a secret, yes of course! But it is no longer a secret, is it? They know! They know, Edward!"

"And why does that mean this is suddenly wrong?"

"Because I'm ashamed!"

Oh God, it had come out wrong. He blinked, hurt by my words. I hadn't meant it like that, please let him read my mind and see how I meant it!

A few aching seconds passed until he looked away. "I know you did not mean to say it thusly, I know you did not mean you are ashamed of me."

Which meant he knew…

"But I see now why you think it must be a secret." He shook his head. "Oh Rose, I don't even know what to say to something as…detrimental as that. You are determined to think the absolute worst of yourself. A paradoxical balance; exterior beauty to compensate for the interior disgrace and iniquity."

He pulled me to him and held me, I hugged him back, pulling so tightly that we could have broken ribs had we not a frame of stone. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry." He held me tighter.

"Don't. None of this is your fault."

"But it is," I went on. "It is all my fault. I didn't have to dress that way, I didn't have to walk home, I should have known. I shouldn't have been so….alluring, it was all my fault and now this. I just…I wanted to feel again…I never…"

"Don't apologise," he said sternly. "I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do."

And he did, it was as simple as that. For all the people that would come and go in the world, he knew me inside and out. He knew everything about me, and he wasn't revolted. He was here.

I drew back from the embrace and kissed him, for once softly. Against his lips, I murmured incoherent words. I was thankful they were incoherent, as was my mind - I hoped.

I hoped he could not see, as we kissed, that this would probably be the last time it ever happened.

It was one of the most difficult things I had ever done, lying to them. Despite Edward's insistence that we were soulless beings, devoid of feeling or redemption; I felt every single nuance of guilt, every trace of fiery emotion that had no name because it was too complex.

Mostly, I could feel what I had sworn would never happen again.

I could feel my heart breaking.

We, all four of us, stood in the room filled with light. One in each corner, Edward leaned against the wall, his head down while Carlisle looked back and forth from the both of us. Esme smiled lovingly, unable to hide the slight worry lurking behind her eyes.

"You understand, of course," Carlisle spoke gently. "That we simply wish to know why you kept it secret."

It. It. I had never been so grateful I could not blush. I was no prude, nor was I squeamish about the matter to which we all knew Carlisle was referring, but that did not mean I was not embarrassed that he knew. The very fact that he knew was the entire problem, of course. It was not a secret anymore.

Now it had to stop, and I already knew I would have to be the one to do it. Edward was looking down, I knew he didn't want to face Carlisle, maybe he didn't want to look at me. Maybe he hated me and was ashamed of what he had done with me. I couldn't blame him if he was.

He glanced up sharply, a small frown between his eyes and shook his head minutely. I turned away, suddenly understanding his desire not to make eye contact. This must have been so much harder for him, having to hear the individual thoughts of everyone as well as dealing with his own feelings.

How on earth could he ever think we were soulless? Surely no human ever felt this much pain and anguish, confusion and passion?

"Why did you?" Esme asked, her velvet voice was kind and loving. "You know we do not object."

Do not object. Present tense. As if it was still ongoing. This would be much harder than I thought. I saw out of the corner of my eye, Edward's lips tighten to a thin line. I had never hated myself or his gift, more than I did now.

I would have to speak, for it was clear Edward couldn't.

"We did not tell you," I began, leaning away from my corner so we no longer represented the four corners of the earth. "Because we were unsure of it ourselves."

Esme looked confused. No doubt she was wondering how anyone could be uncertain of true love, assuming of course that nothing but the deepest love could induce anyone into making love. Carlisle, however, looked much less confused. Edward made a slightly disgusted sound and shook his head. Some interaction of thought had passed through them, displeasing Edward greatly.

"It was not Edward," I said at once. "It was me. I initiated it, out of vanity. He paid me no attention so I…I saw to it that he did."

Everyone was looking at me now, each with exactly the same expression.

"But that cannot be true, dear," Esme insisted, shaking her head.

"It is," I lied. "I have to be honest, because we are a family and I want us to be able to put this behind us. I used Edward and not only for my vanity. I used him to make sure I could still feel something resembling passion. To distract myself from the means of my death, the events before it and those that I executed after. This is all on me, it was my initiation. I made him feel guilty for being a gentleman. I made him question his own sense of right and wrong, so I could gain from it. We are not in love, nor will we ever be."

There was an actual, tangible pain ripping through me. An agony I could not even associate with the process of immortality. It was a freezing cold pain, grey and asphyxiating.

I let them all look at me; Esme with concern and sympathy, Carlisle with slight disbelief and love, Edward with cold, hurt eyes that spoke volumes of the betrayal and wounds I was inflicting.

Carlisle spoke first. "Rosalie, I find that very hard to believe."

"I know you think me incapable of such spite, but you see me through loving eyes. I am the culpable one, this is my doing. I feel intolerably guilty for doing it, but it is done now and I cannot undo it." My voice was going to crack soon, my knees would surely buckle. Could no one else hear the ringing sound that echoed in my ears?

Edward looked at Esme with raised eyebrows, surprise written all over him.

"Carlisle," she said with a meaningful look. "Perhaps we are overlooking a few things."

"Please do not assume that I am blaming anyone, especially not you, Rose," Carlisle said, looking at me. "There is no blame, no wrongdoing."

Edward and I locked eyes briefly, thinking the same thing. If there was no blame, then why the casual interrogation?

Carlisle sighed, looking down. "Rosalie, you have nothing to feel guilty for. Nothing."

I pursed my lips, crossing my arms. "I know."

"But do you? What happened with Royce King…"

"I will not be made to feel remorse for killing that piece of filth!"

"…no, you misunderstand. I do not refer to his death, which no-one regrets nor blames you for; I refer to what was done to you."

My blood, though unmoving and already cold, turned to ice water.

"Meaning?" I managed to grind out. Edward was watching me carefully, his posture had turned extremely protective.

"What he did to you, Rose," Carlisle ploughed on in a tight voice. "Was a terrible thing but I think you need to understand…"

"I do understand," I interrupted blindly. "I understand perfectly. Please, must we linger upon a subject so macabre?"

"I am not saying this to be cruel. I am pointing out that people who go through what you went through have experienced more repercussions than you might think." He paused, clearly wishing he didn't have to go on. When he resumed, his words were heavy and quiet. "There is nothing wrong with you, nor with any feelings you may have for…well…anyone."

"Please do not presuppose that I have taken leave of my senses," I snapped. "I am I well aware that there is nothing wrong with me. I am not the deranged lout who raped and beat his fiancé to death!"

Esme took a step towards me her hand outstretched, but perhaps she thought better of it, for she stepped back and withdrew her hand. Edward had his eyes closed, I could hear his teeth grind together, his jaw muscles working.

"No-one would ever suggest anything of the sort," Esme said soothingly. "But you do not have to darken such emotions to protect yourself from feeling genuine love."

It was too much. Too much to bear. I could see it all happening, all over again and I didn't know why. The bitter taste in my mouth, my own blood, no air because he kicked me in the stomach. I remembered worrying that I would not bear children…it was laughable now to think that I had such a concern at such a time. I could feel the street stones underneath me again, my breathy screams that were silenced by strong, large hands and then suddenly the night air on patches of bare skin and a pain I had never felt before, shooting through me like fire…

"Damn it, Rose!"

Edward's words brought me back to earth with an unpleasant 'snap!'. I reeled from the sudden, terrifyingly real reverie and wonderful vaguely if it was self inflicted. We were staring at each other, not a good idea in front of our family, and the intensity must have crackled in the air. He seemed in pain, his eyes searched mine and I wanted to be able to touch him, because I knew it would make me feel so much better. Just to be able to run my fingertips over his face, trail them down his cheek and to his lips, to be able to do that would be worth whatever would happen next.

"This is not helping her," Esme told Carlisle. "Confronting them like this. They have done nothing wrong."

Her husband nodded in agreement. "Of course they haven't. Right or wrong is not the issue here."

"Then what is?" Edward snapped. Carlisle glanced at him and the away again very quickly. Edward laughed bitterly. "Somewhat overbearing, do you not think?"

"Perhaps. But it's true, nonetheless. Rosalie, we are worried for you. Our concern does not stem from the relationship with Edward, it stems from the fact that you ashamed of it."

I felt like he had slapped me. "How dare you?"

"I do not mean that you are ashamed of Edward," he corrected himself carefully. "I mean that you think it is something to be ashamed of."

I couldn't even formulate a reply to that.

"Rose," Edward muttered. "You know it's true."

Another blow. How could he betray me like that?

My silence seemed to provoke Carlisle into speaking, and I dreaded it for I knew what he would say. He would explain the whole grim matter, in the manner that only doctors could.

"Rosalie," he said bluntly. Why did everyone insist on saying my name? It wasn't as if I could forget who I was. "Your fiancé did a terrible thing to you. I have treated women who have been subject to that and I can see in you, echoes of something I saw in them. Love is nothing to feel ashamed of. Being with that person is not wrong, nor is it unwholesome because of what you endured. I understand the automatic association you make between what they did and what you are doing with Edward, but there isn't one. By the same token, I also understand that you might want to be with Edward to make you feel whole again. It works both ways unfortunately and is very complex. You are not tainted, you are not broken. You are perfectly, wonderfully whole and you have nothing to fear from love or any of it's associations."

I listened to his words, carefully spoken and full of love. I knew that everything he said was completely true.

But it changed nothing. I had to leave, leave the house, leave them.

Edward took a step forward. "Don't," he begged. "Don't leave."

I couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't look at his achingly lovely face. It was too much. Without another word, I turned and left and did not return for many months.

A/N - Sorry for such a delay in updates, stupid block had me in it's throes. Anywho, hope you all enjoy this. Plenty of angst for all. More up ASAP, and Emmett arrives on the scene soon. x x x x x Review? Please? x x x x