There are going to be a lot of Not-Lessons coming around….Anyway, I was looking for a reason write from a new POV and, well, this is what I came up with. As a warning, this is going to contain total crack and not have a single bit of sanity. You might kill a few brain cells….

Disclaimer: If I owned Vampire Knight I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it. Plus, everything would be like this.

Ichijou Acts Like An Idiot Example Sixteen

an excerpt from "See? Your Life Could Be Worse" a best-seller by Mikazuki Touya

It began as a normal family-and-friends outing (at least like I think a normal one would start because I've never actually had one): my mother and Sara patted their bulging bellies and talked about baby names, my dad and Ichijou glared at Tsu-kun who was skipping along happily with me, holding my hand (squee!).

The all-you-can-eat buffet was incredible. The food was even better than the décor of the place. The best part was that I didn't have to spend the whole meal covering my nose because my mother hadn't been the cook. Ichijou and my dad had learned not to eat pregnant-lady food the hard way, setting a fine example for me.

"I bet I can eat more pudding than you, Mika-chan," Tsubasa said. I could hear the challenge in his voice, just below the surface and I knew that agreeing to this was going to leave me with a huge stomach ache—I never met a boy who could eat more than Tsu-kun—and that I should turn it down, but he made me feel incredibly immature which is a great explanation to why I love him so much.... Regardless of my better judgement, I agreed and we set off to get some pudding.

"I want to play," Ichijou said quickly. I looked and Tsubasa who looked at me. We shrugged at each other, using the nearly-telepathic communication that my parents had when they were kids to decide that Ichijou was going absolutely humiliate himself and that it would be way fun to watch.

"Sure thing," Tsubasa said easily. When our bowls had been filled to the brim with pudding that was an odd shade of purple, we went back everyone else. Said party looked uncertainly at our food.

"That looks pretty good," Sara said. This was a sign to put the food down and just walk away, but I have issues giving up challenges, even if it includes eating food that appeals to a pregnant woman.

The pudding was disgusting, just like I knew it would be. In fact, I'm not really sure if it even was pudding.

But I won and that's really all that mattered.

The freaky stuff didn't start till we got home with me and Tsu-kun slowly dying in pain because of all the food we'd all but inhaled. Ichijou didn't look like he was feeling much better which was pathetic since he surrendered after his third bowl. I pulled off seven. ;)

"OMG!" he yelled suddenly.

"What is it this time?" I asked, sounding just as bored as I felt. Tsu-kun snickered.

"I'm pregnant!"

An awkward silence filled the room.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but guys don't get pregnant," my dad informed him not-so gently. It was like telling a toddler that, "sorry kid, but Santa isn't real." Sorry if I just ruined Christmas for anybody....

"I am though!" Ichijou insisted. He pointed at his stomach which was bulging.

"They call it a food baby," I said. Apparently, he had severe selective hearing because he heard something along the lines of "yeah that's a baby."

"Oh god, we need a doctor," Ichijou wailed.

"Is it legal to be this stupid?" I asked my mother.

"It shouldn't be," she said with a slight smile. Her smile vanished when Ichijou hurled all over her nice floor.

"Uh-oh," I whispered in the same moment as Tsubasa. We knew what was coming next. First came the long stream of profanities that seemed to have no end. Then came the fists.

"Takuma you bastard! I'm gonna tear you limb from limb! Then I'm gonna roast you over a fire! Then—"

My dad covered my ears and Sara covered Tsubasa's so we never did find out what my mother was going to do after tearing Ichijou limb from limb and roasting him. I did get to see my mom swing the first couple of punches. My dad let go of my ears to drag my mom away just in time for me to hear Ichijou begging.

"Don't do it! Don't hit me! You might kill my baby!"

"You aren't—" Dad began but Ichijou cut him off.

"I threw up! Morning sickness!"

"Ichijou, it's eight PM," I pointed out. Tsubasa was clutching his stomach. For a minute, I was afraid he was thinking that he was pregnant and I was going to have to kill him.

"If I laugh any more than this I'm gonna puke. The only thing stopping me now is that I don't want your mom killing me," he wheezed. I grinned.

"Call a doctor, Shiki! The baby's coming!" Ichijou cried.

"I think I'm gonna pee my pants!" my father howled from the floor, all his dignity flushed down the crapper.

"You're pregnant, too?" Ichijou gasped, all need for a doctor forgotten. The house became an orchestra of cries, hysterical laughter, screaming, squawking, etc. I'm half deaf now.

Sara calmed down long enough to call a doctor and explain we had a man in labor and needed a doctor as soon as possible. Naturally, it was the creepy doctor who showed up. Who else would? His presence sobered down Ichijou and it finally got through his head that he wasn't pregnant and never would be. Actually, before that he was under the impression that he had a miscarriage and went into several minutes of extreme depression. Quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Again, very short, but maybe that's somewhat of a favor to you all. See now I told you that it was going to be ridiculous and pointless. Did you believe me? Did you lose some brain cells? Review and tell me ;)